We International Men of Mystery
In reality, the project of knowing yourself completely would be
lifetimes of work. And there is no possibility of others ever thoroughly knowing you. Yet Sue
tells it like it is. How could that be?
Fundamentally, a desire for "mysteriousness," per se, could be
based in a woman's own fear of being superficial, boring, empty, or even unlikeable. This fear would be
projected toward genuine men, whose transparency would feel threatening. After all, her own "cover might be
blown" if she has to reciprocate in that level of sharing.
If this were the only reason for the mystery
phenomenon, I'd have little constructive use for women who were turned off by knowing a lot in a short period of
time about the "real me."
But there are other reasons for finding a sense of mystery attractive. Women seemingly
like to discover a man; to tell their very own story about him. This brings a sense of control, choice; and
reciprocity in situations where men are the initiators. Women don't seem to want to be merely passive consumers of
pre-packaged stories told by others. Just as we learn things best on our own rather than by reading them, or hearing
them; discovery leads to a deeper intimacy. And women tend to be intimacy connoisseurs.
For our part as men,
when people have to earn the priviledge of knowing us intimately and personally, we are demonstrating good
boundaries, social skills, and self esteem. We are keeping our sense of privacy intact; and protecting ourselves
from masses of idiots who'd as soon judge us harshly as look at us.
When we share too much, it is often out of
narcissism or neediness; or perhaps insecurity about the adequacy of what we've already shown. These
are not favorable mating qualities for "providers, protectors, and/or sperm donors".
On the other hand,
once you get into a relationship further with someone, things usually change. Projecting an air of mystery might
become annoying to any woman with a sense of wonderment and self esteem.
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