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  1. #1
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Memoirs of the Incredibly Stupid

    Ahhh, sitting in meetings and reminiscing about more innocent days when I was a shy, quiet kid who kept to

    himself...well, as opposed to a friendly, dorky man who keeps to himself after 5:30...I remember the one time when

    my dream of actually having a girl come up to me came true...

    I was sitting in the cafeteria at lunch with my

    best friend when these two girls...two very attractive girls...ask me to come over and talk for a minute. So I

    follow them to their table, completely bewildered by the fact that women were actually talking to me, and I sit down

    and listen to what they have to say. There I am, sitting with two attractive girls who have the assertiveness to

    say, \"Pancho, we just wanted to tell you that we thought you were cute.\" Now, the younger Pancho was the young,

    quiet, shy, awkward type who was too amazed by what was happening to him...so taken by the whole new experience that

    had never even crossed his mind, and so bad at thinking of anything relatively interesting to say...that he did not

    really say anything at all. Now, the Pancho of today would never even think of passing up such an opportunity, but

    shyness truly is a paralyzing quality. Alas, nothing was ever mentioned about this situation until today. No other

    real conversations, and no \"Man, I should\'ve...\" with my friends afterwards. Just a missed

    opportunity.

    One could say it was my lack of transportation, \"coolness\", or self-esteem that got in the

    way...we were from different crowds, we were totally different people with different lives...one could ponder many

    different reasons for keeping someone like young Pancho from living it up in ol\' HS. Nobody can say for certain,

    but one can only imagine that some things aren\'t meant to be and some people take much longer to realize things

    than others. Maybe one day old Pancho will get hit in the face again with such a great compliment that he does

    something about it. Maybe that day will never come. All I know is that you live and learn, and then get

    love...

    ...hopefully...

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    Yeah, don't take IM too serious..


  3. #3
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default McWhat?

    McWhat?

    By Pancho

    Rivera


    I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.

    To give a little background on my story, I

    eat relatively healthy, although I need to eat more than most people to keep my weight up for the amount of exercise

    I do. I have cereal for breakfast, many times Total for the 100% of vitamins and minerals. I pack my lunch

    with a sandwich, salad, fruit cup, and small but adequate dessert of cookies or wafers. I balance my dinner with

    grains, meat and veggies to go with the dairy, fruit, and other things I had throughout the day. I eat well. I

    exercise 5 days per week.

    This might mean absolutely nothing to people watching a possible documentary.

    I

    didn't pack my lunch for the week on Sunday, so I usually get lazy and just buy for most of the week. I was

    feeling a little guilty about the $$$ I was spending, so I decided to try to think of the best deal. Subway? ABP?

    Chipotle? Hmmm...McDonald's? I haven't been there in a couple of months...I can buy off the dollar menu and save

    some money. It's a few blocks, so I can take a walk in the balmy 90+ degree weather we're having. Sounds good.



    I walk over. I don't like this McDonald's because there's always a guy workin' the door like a bouncer...only

    trying to get money. Do I need this kind of stuff when I'm walking into McDonald's? Why does this guy think I'm

    going into McDonald's...because the food's great? Hell, no. It's cheap. I'm trying to save money...if

    I were to go to McDonald's and give the difference up, I'd be defeating the purpose of even going here. I don't

    mean to sound frustrated with beggars, I'm just frustrated in general.

    I check my order to find the cheapest

    possible option. The Dollar Menu. What do they have? I want to feel full, so let's mix it up. Double

    cheeseburger. McChicken. McValue Fries ("McValue Fries"??? What the---I mean, why don't you just call it,

    "You're a cheap bastard, so here's the smallest possible size we offer"). Side Salad. Good combo. I'll go with

    that.

    $4.40 is my total bill. That's not bad...my usual bill buying lunch is ~$6-$7...and these are all

    without buying beverages because I drink water...and seriously, I'm not paying $2 for ice...but my frugle nature

    isn't the point of this story...sad as it is... Packing my lunch probably comes to around $3.00 or so, so if you

    count the time it takes to make it and buy the stuff and everything, it's almost even.

    (Per meal: lunch

    meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or

    $.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers, etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or

    take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)

    Yeah, I'm a little crazy about prices. I'm the guy who

    goes 60% generic brand and 40% "whatever's on sale".

    But I digress...

    I walk out with my meal. I was going

    to give the guy at the door a dime, but two girls were walking by and his attention was on them...so I keep walking.

    Then, a camera crew accosts me about a 30-second interview regarding nutrition. Awesome! I'm so excited because

    I'm all about nutrition and health and exercise. I can actually give intelligent feedback on the subject.



    Unfortunately, I realize that they are there to catch people walking out of McDonald's. They don't give a crap

    about me, they want to show how dumb people are to go and eat all of that fattening crap without regard to their

    health. I am suddenly remembering every street quiz I've ever seen trying to make people look stupid.

    I hate

    when people try to make me look like a tool.

    They ask me if I know anything about the food pyramid. I give an

    answer like I was reading a textbook. I know about the "little fats", the 2-3 milk and meat, the 4-6 fruit and

    veggies, the 9-11 grains (yeah, they might've changed it since I was in HS, but that's the way it was "back in the

    day"). They ask me about my nutritional values. I try to express what I wrote in the first paragraph, but I am

    very disoriented by the camera and the on-the-spot feeling I have...and then it happens. As I'm talking, the

    camera man moves from my face, down to the McDonald's bag, and back to my face. I'm in a trap. F*ck.

    I

    suddenly have a vision of the end result of this. I see myself through the camera. I see the documentary now.

    American's don't know jack or don't care about what they're eating, by some guy trying to spite fast food

    chains. Not that I disagree with their stance, but I am becoming a pawn in the war on unhealthy food. I see them

    talking about how Americans eat unhealthy...I see them talking about people who say they eat healthy and know about

    health but eat bad food anyway. I see my face reciting the food pyramid and how I eat healthy while the camera

    "innocently" moves just to show that I'm preaching health with a McDonald's bag in my hand. Yes, it is a

    beautiful documentary piece...and I look like a dumb, ignorant American. I'm in a catch-22. I either look like an

    unhealthy, ignorant freak or an intelligent person who doesn't practice what he preaches. They have me. Damn them

    all to hell. I switch from realistic vision to the unrealistic one of me taking out the camera man by punching him

    so hard that he doesn't know what his name is...

    ...but I must remain focused. It's time for "Damage

    Control". I won't only look like an idiot, but I'll try to paint a better picture of myself and hope they don't

    edit it out to the only one part where I say I eat healthy and know the food pyramid off by heart but am holding a

    McDonald's bag in my hand. I should just pull out the side salad I ordered and show them what I actually bought.

    Anyone who sees those bags...yes, bags, I needed two because side salads always get their own bags...will see

    a Big Mac and Super-Sized Fries with enough calories to replace Jared's hundreds of pounds from the Subway diet.



    I list what I can about what I eat. I notice I say, "ummm..." a lot because I can't think of the right words.

    Damn my introverted self that I lose my verbal prowess on-the-spot compared to when I write or have time to

    think...I talk about my Total and a banana for breakfast...my balanced dinner...the fact that I came here

    because it's cheap. I should've made a stand by saying that if they came out with "Healthy Fast Food" where you

    could get a fruit cup, veggies and fat-free dip, and a sandwich for $4, I'd eat that every day.

    The interview

    ended by asking me how important a healthy diet was. I am smarter than they're trying to make me look with my

    McDonald's bag in my hand. Who is this guy to try to get people to judge me, anyway? This guy has me by about 60

    lbs. of...well, we'll just say that it wasn't muscle. I can tell he hasn't seen the gym in a while. That's

    it...

    "Well, a healthy diet isn't the only part you should be focusing on. You need to mix diet and exercise

    to really be a healthy person. I work out 5 days a week."

    Yeah, stick it to the man, b!tch. If any part that

    makes me look intelligent stays in that interview, I can guarantee you that it will be that. I may be proving their

    point that people need diet and exercise in their lives while avoiding crap like McDonald's. Well, at least this

    wasn't a total hit to my pride.

    The interview is over. The lady there thanks me a lot for a great interview.

    They all thought it was good, apparently.

    "You had to catch me the one day I go to McDonald's," I

    said...

    "Oh, that's okay..." she said.

    Yeah, it's okay so you'll make me look like an idiot. I walk

    away, running the slug in the face again through my mind to get my mind off of the potential bad ways they could

    edit that to make me look dumb. I noticed that I never even asked them what it was for or anything...

    I hate

    when people try to make me look like a tool.

    I just hope I'm wrong...but I still want to break that camera

    man's face.

    Look for me in the upcoming documentary, The Stupid People who Think They Know about Health but

    Eat at McDonald's
    ...

    PR

  4. #4
    Phero Enthusiast nonscents's Avatar
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    The McD's piece was too good!

    It's so far out it must be true.
    The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

  5. #5
    Newbie KittyClair's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Pancho1188
    McWhat?



    By Pancho Rivera

    I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.

    To give a little

    background on my story, I eat relatively healthy, although I need to eat more than most people to keep my weight up

    for the amount of exercise I do. I have cereal for breakfast, many times Total for the 100% of vitamins and

    minerals. I pack my lunch with a sandwich, salad, fruit cup, and small but adequate dessert of cookies or wafers.

    I balance my dinner with grains, meat and veggies to go with the dairy, fruit, and other things I had throughout the

    day. I eat well. I exercise 5 days per week.

    This might mean absolutely nothing to people watching a

    possible documentary.

    I didn't pack my lunch for the week on Sunday, so I usually get lazy and just buy for

    most of the week. I was feeling a little guilty about the $$$ I was spending, so I decided to try to think of the

    best deal. Subway? ABP? Chipotle? Hmmm...McDonald's? I haven't been there in a couple of months...I can buy

    off the dollar menu and save some money. It's a few blocks, so I can take a walk in the balmy 90+ degree weather

    we're having. Sounds good.

    I walk over. I don't like this McDonald's because there's always a guy

    workin' the door like a bouncer...only trying to get money. Do I need this kind of stuff when I'm walking into

    McDonald's? Why does this guy think I'm going into McDonald's...because the food's great? Hell, no. It's

    cheap. I'm trying to save money...if I were to go to McDonald's and give the difference up, I'd be

    defeating the purpose of even going here. I don't mean to sound frustrated with beggars, I'm just frustrated in

    general.

    I check my order to find the cheapest possible option. The Dollar Menu. What do they have? I

    want to feel full, so let's mix it up. Double cheeseburger. McChicken. McValue Fries ("McValue Fries"??? What

    the---I mean, why don't you just call it, "You're a cheap bastard, so here's the smallest possible size we

    offer"). Side Salad. Good combo. I'll go with that.

    $4.40 is my total bill. That's not bad...my usual

    bill buying lunch is ~$6-$7...and these are all without buying beverages because I drink water...and seriously, I'm

    not paying $2 for ice...but my frugle nature isn't the point of this story...sad as it is... Packing my lunch

    probably comes to around $3.00 or so, so if you count the time it takes to make it and buy the stuff and everything,

    it's almost even.

    (Per meal: lunch meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not

    sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or $.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers,

    etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)

    Yeah, I'm a

    little crazy about prices. I'm the guy who goes 60% generic brand and 40% "whatever's on sale".

    But I

    digress...

    I walk out with my meal. I was going to give the guy at the door a dime, but two girls were

    walking by and his attention was on them...so I keep walking. Then, a camera crew accosts me about a 30-second

    interview regarding nutrition. Awesome! I'm so excited because I'm all about nutrition and health and exercise.

    I can actually give intelligent feedback on the subject.

    Unfortunately, I realize that they are there to

    catch people walking out of McDonald's. They don't give a crap about me, they want to show how dumb people are to

    go and eat all of that fattening crap without regard to their health. I am suddenly remembering every street quiz

    I've ever seen trying to make people look stupid.

    I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.



    They ask me if I know anything about the food pyramid. I give an answer like I was reading a textbook. I know

    about the "little fats", the 2-3 milk and meat, the 4-6 fruit and veggies, the 9-11 grains (yeah, they might've

    changed it since I was in HS, but that's the way it was "back in the day"). They ask me about my nutritional

    values. I try to express what I wrote in the first paragraph, but I am very disoriented by the camera and the

    on-the-spot feeling I have...and then it happens. As I'm talking, the camera man moves from my face, down to the

    McDonald's bag, and back to my face. I'm in a trap. F*ck.

    I suddenly have a vision of the end result of

    this. I see myself through the camera. I see the documentary now. American's don't know jack or don't care

    about what they're eating
    , by some guy trying to spite fast food chains. Not that I disagree with their

    stance, but I am becoming a pawn in the war on unhealthy food. I see them talking about how Americans eat

    unhealthy...I see them talking about people who say they eat healthy and know about health but eat bad food anyway.

    I see my face reciting the food pyramid and how I eat healthy while the camera "innocently" moves just to show that

    I'm preaching health with a McDonald's bag in my hand. Yes, it is a beautiful documentary piece...and I look like

    a dumb, ignorant American. I'm in a catch-22. I either look like an unhealthy, ignorant freak or an intelligent

    person who doesn't practice what he preaches. They have me. Damn them all to hell. I switch from realistic

    vision to the unrealistic one of me taking out the camera man by punching him so hard that he doesn't know what his

    name is...

    ...but I must remain focused. It's time for "Damage Control". I won't only look like an

    idiot, but I'll try to paint a better picture of myself and hope they don't edit it out to the only one part where

    I say I eat healthy and know the food pyramid off by heart but am holding a McDonald's bag in my hand. I should

    just pull out the side salad I ordered and show them what I actually bought. Anyone who sees those bags...yes,

    bags, I needed two because side salads always get their own bags...will see a Big Mac and Super-Sized Fries

    with enough calories to replace Jared's hundreds of pounds from the Subway diet.

    I list what I can about

    what I eat. I notice I say, "ummm..." a lot because I can't think of the right words. Damn my introverted self

    that I lose my verbal prowess on-the-spot compared to when I write or have time to think...I talk about my

    Total and a banana for breakfast...my balanced dinner...the fact that I came here because it's cheap. I

    should've made a stand by saying that if they came out with "Healthy Fast Food" where you could get a fruit cup,

    veggies and fat-free dip, and a sandwich for $4, I'd eat that every day.

    The interview ended by asking me

    how important a healthy diet was. I am smarter than they're trying to make me look with my McDonald's bag in my

    hand. Who is this guy to try to get people to judge me, anyway? This guy has me by about 60 lbs. of...well, we'll

    just say that it wasn't muscle. I can tell he hasn't seen the gym in a while. That's it...

    "Well, a

    healthy diet isn't the only part you should be focusing on. You need to mix diet and exercise to really be a

    healthy person. I work out 5 days a week."

    Yeah, stick it to the man, b!tch. If any part that makes me

    look intelligent stays in that interview, I can guarantee you that it will be that. I may be proving their point

    that people need diet and exercise in their lives while avoiding crap like McDonald's. Well, at least this wasn't

    a total hit to my pride.

    The interview is over. The lady there thanks me a lot for a great interview. They

    all thought it was good, apparently.

    "You had to catch me the one day I go to McDonald's," I

    said...

    "Oh, that's okay..." she said.

    Yeah, it's okay so you'll make me look like an idiot. I

    walk away, running the slug in the face again through my mind to get my mind off of the potential bad ways they

    could edit that to make me look dumb. I noticed that I never even asked them what it was for or anything...



    I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.

    I just hope I'm wrong...but I still want to break

    that camera man's face.

    Look for me in the upcoming documentary, The Stupid People who Think They Know

    about Health but Eat at McDonald's
    ...

    PR
    ohh Pancho, you are so cute.


    a big

    strapping lad like you with his lil' fruity Cupy....arrrr weeee weeee cutie pie....let me give you a big huggy

    woOoOo

  6. #6
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default A Little Bit of Subtlety...

    A

    Little Bit of Subtlety
    A Pheromone Post

    By Pancho Rivera

    I have been constantly reminded of

    my lack of pheromone-related posts, so here we go:

    I've been using ~4 drops of TE and ~4" of SOE (more or less

    on both, I think I use less than that because I may not be using full drops or full inches due to how I apply) for a

    while now, and it seems to get me more "presence". If you're looking to improve your status in society, this is a

    decent combo.

    Now, I can't account for the fact that I've been trying to wear clothes that accentuate my

    figure, but I've gotten the occasional look and receive smiles from people at work. I've noticed that my boss will

    stop by just to say hi and mention something and then have an awkward goodbye because there's nothing else to say.

    Now, maybe I'm just awkward, I don't know. I don't really use cover scents because the SOE has a nice fragrance

    to it, and I spread the TE to a point where it's too subtle to even notice. When I do cover, I usually use one

    spray of cologne (don't ask me what kind because I really don't know and don't care...although one is Tommy

    Hilfiger, the other is "NFL Cologne" with the 49ers on it I got like 7 years ago or so as a gift...). I personally

    don't like too much if any cologne because it's just powerful stuff and eminates around you. I don't want to be a

    walking perfume department...maybe I should change my tune. I don't know.

    That all being said, I have noticed

    people looking my way here and there. I notice that when I don't wear it, I can become almost invisible and left

    out of conversations. That can happen, anyway, if I'm tired and have nothing to provide in way of interesting

    banter, but what an old friend called the "sidewalk effect", where three people will always lead to two people and a

    third doing a dance to keep up with the group, I was always that third guy until I wore -mones. I remember the last

    time this gorgeous girl was talking to me and there was a third guy, someone she seemed to know better than me...I

    was thinking, "Oh, no...now with this third guy here, I'm screwed..." Somehow, though, we came out of that

    elevator, and I was the #1 man next to her carrying on the conversation. I remember a split attention as I was

    talking to her and thinking about how I was the man by actually being the guy to keep the conversation going

    with her while the #2 guy was falling behind and leaving the conversation.

    Yeah, bitch.

    In conclusion, TE

    and SOE make a good combination.

    PR

  7. #7
    Man of La Pancha
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    Cool The Birth of the Mack

    The Birth

    of the Mack
    A little bit of everything...

    By Pancho Rivera


    Dear Tallmacky,

    Hey, big

    guy! So, I was surfing the forum and heard it through the grapevine (or the long thread dedicated to

    you...and a post before that...and the Love-Scent announcement...you get what I mean ) that it was...of all

    things...your birthday. I thought,

    "Wow...Welcome[img]http://66.45.239.2

    27/forum/images/smilies/ls/welcome.gif[/img]
    to the world of being 19. It's a trip. Cheers. "

    I

    was thinking, "Good post. " I was all proud of myself...but no! That's not good

    enough for Tallmacky!!! What was I thinking?!?!? I had to think of the post beyond posts... One that

    could top everything... What could that possibly be?!?!? Think, Pancho, think!!!

    [img]http://66.45.239.227/forum/image

    s/smilies/ls/frustrated.gif[/img]


    What do you get for the man who worships the star female of this

    forum? Who's absolutely infatuated...

    [img]http://66.45.239.227/forum/image

    s/smilies/ls/lovestruck.gif[/img]
    You'd be totally whipped if they were actually together... ...but

    I'm sure that sounds perfectly fine to both of you...

    I'm thinking so hard, it's making me sick...

    [img]http://66.45.239.227/forum/image

    s/smilies/ls/sick.gif[/img]
    I can't do what everyone else has done... Elana probably gave you a kiss...

    Aww, how sweet for the Big Mack...

    I thought of something...it's at the tip of my tongue...it's

    poking at me... I know! 19 konks on the head! ...and one to grow on!!!

    ...and then we

    throw him off a 19-story building into a pool filled with jello! Then the members of the forum will get dead drunk

    and dance around the pool singing, "I'm Henry VIII, I am" over and over again...with the words changed like

    this:

    I'm Macky the Great, I am
    Macky the Great, I am, I am
    I got married to Elana last night
    She didn't

    even try to run or fight
    And everyone yells, "Macky!" ("Macky!")
    Macky the Great, I am, I am
    Macky

    the Great, I am...

    Second verse...same as the first!!!

    Wait a second... I'm not mean enough

    to throw Tallmacky off of a 19-story building... He's been nothing but good to me. What kind of friend

    would I be???

    Wait a second...by debating my thoughts, I just gave Tallmacky one nice present. I dedicated

    an entire posting to him using all of the new smilies. Alright! Happy birthday, buddy!

    PR
    Last edited by Pancho1188; 06-23-2004 at 07:29 AM.

  8. #8
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    See it like this: slim people can

    afford to go to McD's.

  9. #9
    Banned User Elana's Avatar
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    (Per meal: lunch

    meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or

    $.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers, etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or

    take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)
    What are you, six years old?
    Wafer cookies

    and a fruit cup?

  10. #10
    Newbie KittyClair's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elana
    What are you, six

    years old?
    Wafer cookies and a fruit cup?

    WTF is a fruit cup, ...is that like

    for lazy people who cant peel their own fruit? I dont even notice stuff like that when I shop, my mind dosnt

    register useless things.

  11. #11
    Banned User Elana's Avatar
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    It's a little treat for kids


    Fruit salad in a cute little plastic cup

  12. #12
    Pheromaniac Sexyredhead's Avatar
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    I happen to like fruit cups!

    Especially the little pineapple tidbit ones.


    (Pineapple is another thing that doesn't mix well with

    latex paint. )
    "I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!"

    --Calvin & Hobbes

  13. #13
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    Smile

    *Waitng on

    UpDate
    *
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Last edited by SweetBrenda; 08-09-2004 at 11:54 AM.

  14. #14
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Gilbert

    Godfrey
    The whiney little black guy in those 7-uP commercials?
    If a guy's a cocksucker in his life, when he dies, he don't become a saint. - Morris Levy, Hitmen

    Holmes' Theme Song

  15. #15
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Hmmm.

    Karma? Blizzard,

    perhaps?

    Either way, I know what you mean.
    If a guy's a cocksucker in his life, when he dies, he don't become a saint. - Morris Levy, Hitmen

    Holmes' Theme Song

  16. #16
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default The Crush (Part 2)

    The Crush

    (Part 2)


    By Pancho Rivera

    -The Secret Admirer
    -The Perfect Girl
    -The 'Hit It Off' Girl



    The Perfect Girl

    I have to admit that this is the hardest crush to describe. Unlike the Secret Admirer

    crush and the Hit It Off crush, the Perfect Girl crush is more subtle. I've only had one major instance of this

    type, and any others I may have had probably didn't have the time to develop like this one did.

    The Perfect

    Girl describes someone who truly captures everything a person could want in someone. It's interesting how your

    brain and your heart interact in this situation. Your logic calculates what you know of this person and realizes

    that this person has every trait you could find desirable. However, your heart is kind in the fact that you don't

    necessarily become infatuated faster than you can pick your jaw up off of the floor. I think the best way to

    describe this crush is to differentiate it from the others. The Perfect Girl crush is less intense than the Secret

    Admirer crush and not conversationally-based as the Hit It Off crush.

    You know someone at a place you frequent

    such as school, work, or extracurricular activities. Because you're around them a lot, you get a good feel for who

    they are as a person and decide that they would be the perfect girl. The strange thing is that you may not be

    compatible, but you could tell that the person has all of the traits you'd like in someone. You may be able to

    become friends with that person, or you may never really have a chance to meet her or get to know her personally.

    Either way, whenever you see her, you think, "I would really love to have someone like that as my wife." It gets

    interesting because you don't fall head over heels right away. Even though they are attractive and wonderful, you

    seem to be able to remain calm around the person. You will, however, always feel something subtle because you know

    that you would like to have someone like that.


    Unfortunately, I don't have much to say in my personal

    experience with this crush. I met this girl somewhere between 7th and 9th grade. Notice how I don't remember

    everything because it took a while to become familiar with the person before I actually realized she had the traits

    I liked in someone. Anyway, once I thought about it for a while, I realized that she had everything I could ask for:

    she was intelligent, athletic, healthy, funny, happy, successful, sweet, ambitious, kind, and attractive. I thought,

    "Wow, I would love to do out with someone like that." I knew from that moment on that I would one day like to be

    with someone like that.

    Notice how strange this crush can be. Unlike the Secret Admirer crush where I became

    fixated on one person, I found my ideal type of person. She was the basis of what I'd like to find in someone, and

    something I could strive for. I wanted to become a better person to be able to get someone like that. To this day, I

    still have no idea why I didn't develop a major crush on her...but she was almost like a dream I would like to

    realize eventually.

    I talked to her every once in a while, but you know how different crowds in high school can

    keep you from developing friendships. The interesting thing about my high school was that there wasn't a "most

    popular" crowd in my school. There were different groups, but if we would have a popularity contest, I couldn't

    tell you who would have won...it was that diverse (you'll see later why I mention this fact).

    I went through

    high school, trying to get through those brutal times (I didn't like high school). Whenever I saw her, though,

    something always warmed up inside because of how great of a person she was. I'll never forget, though, what

    happened my senior year.

    It's Homecoming, and I run out on to the football field with the team to practice.

    They're doing all of the Homecoming events while we're getting ready for the game. All of the sudden, they bring

    out an archway, and a bunch of women in dresses and their parents line up on the field. I didn't care about any of

    these festivities, so I forgot that just the other day we voted for Homecoming King and Queen. As I mentioned

    before, we had many different groups of equal popularity, so the competition was fierce. Their were about six or so

    people for each title, and they were all equally capable of winning. I'm not even sure if I remembered who was

    running, so I went along with my drills with the team. Anyway, you should've seen the surprise on my face when she

    was named Homecoming Queen. Boy, I can sure pick them, can't I? After four years, I guess everyone saw what I saw

    after a short time. Go figure.


    In summary, the Perfect Girl crush can be the most interesting and yet the

    least intense. The key to this crush is to learn all you can about why you like the person because it may help you

    in the future when you have an actual opportunity to meet someone like this again in the future and make it work for

    you. I have no secrets to getting rid of this one because there's no need to when it's controllable. You should

    learn a lot from this crush so maybe one day you will be prepared to get the perfect girl.

    PR
    Last edited by Pancho1188; 03-26-2005 at 11:45 PM.

  17. #17
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    Default Introverts and the People who (Don't) Love Them

    Introverts and the People who (Don't) Love Them
    By Pancho Rivera



    (Readers: Please note the dual storyline - a story and commentary. If not, the writing will seem to jump

    off topic too frequently. The font colors are different, but in the event that you cannot see the different colors,

    dividers have been provided.)


    I'm exhausted. I spent all day with a large group of people

    and then entered into a large social gathering and didn't even have
    the energy to carry on a

    conversation.


    I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the

    beginning.


    *****************

    I'm an introvert. Introversion is very misunderstood

    concept, as many mistake it for shyness or social anxiety disorder. Both are inaccurate descriptions. It's about

    time that I define it for the misinformed, as I am tired of people telling me that my behavior is somehow wrong or

    curable.

    There are two types of people: Introverts and Extroverts. Although they differ greatly in many

    respects, there is one fundamental difference in the way the body charges its psychological/emotional battery. You

    either charge your battery by being alone and taking time to think or mentally rest (Introvert) or become energized

    through large gatherings and feed off of the life of a crowd (Extrovert). What does this mean? Well, it means that

    an extrovert can only spend so much time by himself before he goes crazy, while an introvert can only spend so much

    time in a large group or crowd before he goes crazy.

    Another example is how one becomes stimulated. Introverts

    are stimulated internally through thoughts, feelings, and ideas, so too much external activity/chaose will

    overstimulate them and create the need for time alone. Extroverts can only receive stimulation externally, so they

    must attend social functions and large gatherings in order to gain a satisfactory amount of stimulation.

    An

    extreme extrovert is a person who is on the phone 24/7 because they can never spend a quiet moment by themselves,

    and an extreme introvert is someone you will never see at a party because they cannot take the chaotic, crowded

    environment. If you have ever seen a wallflower at a party who just wants to go home, you have seen an introvert

    (or someone being introverted) who does not have the energy to be social at that party. If you see someone at a

    bus/subway station or airport not able to sit for more than 5 seconds before they have to talk to a stranger or call

    500 people, you have seen an extrovert (or someone being extroverted).

    Once you understand this concept, you can

    understand the following situation...

    *****************
    I'm walking into a

    restaurant where almost 40 of my colleagues are getting drinks and making small talk. As I look through the window

    and see the socializing, I feel the culmination of my dread. Why would I be dreading this moment? Well, I just

    spent all day in a [corporate] classroom with these people, and I have a sinking feeling that I'm not going to be

    able to do this.


    *****************

    Why wouldn't I be able to do this? I am asking

    several questions...but I already know the answers. The questions are the result of over two decades of

    brainwashing that going out and socializing with a bunch of people is the greatest thing in the world and what every

    person should love to do. From that perspective, this is a great opportunity to meet new people, make small talk,

    network with colleagues, and maybe even learn a thing or two about something or someone. That would be true if that

    sort of thing excited me...if somehow holding a dozen or so conversations over the course of the night with twenty

    different people would get my spirit up and energize me...but id doesn't. Instead, it sucks the life out of me.



    Don't get me wrong...I can handle large social gatherings if the need arises. With proper preparation (and,

    for my sake, a buffer in the form of a friend that I can lean on to get me started), I can mingle and carry a

    conversation as long as it needs to go. It is just an exhausting task. If I do not conserve energy as best as

    possible, I will be miserable and speechless in a shorter time than it takes to decide to tear apart an envelope

    that says "Important Information Enclosed" (Nothing sent via mail that was actually important has ever had that on

    the front).

    *****************

    I look back at the week so far. Two complete days

    engaged in a large discussion with a group of 50 people. A swarm of conversations ensue between presentations. I

    know I used to do this for school a lot, but even in high school it was mostly lectures you could space out during

    and college was only 3-4 classes per day. I have been around a lot of people for a long period of time, and all I

    can think about is how I just want to go home. Now, as I walk to the door, I know this is just not going to happen.

    I enter the restaurant to accept my fate. As I walk in, I pull classic introvert moves. I move to where I can do

    something other than talk: the food and drink tables (Note: The bathroom is usually the sanctuary for introverts

    trying to escape a crowd). I swear I ate like there was no tomorrow, and I kept my mouth chewing at all times. I

    realized that I was just going to be here to say I was here and get out as soon as

    possible.


    For the first time in my life, I did not even try to pretend

    that I was anything other than an introvert who had no energy for a social gathering. I made no attempt to engage

    other people or do anything. I came, I ate, I departed [well, I at least hoped to leave ASAP]. Then, of course, as

    I stick a large piece of food in my mouth and try to make my way over to the beverages, I am intercepted and brought

    into a conversation. Dammit...


    Then, I thought: wait a second.

    This is the perfect time for a social experiment on introversion. I just made a huge connection today. My

    interactions have been less than fulfilling all day, and I wonder if this has something to do with it.



    *****************



    I have been in a slump recently. Just as most people's lives ebb and flow, my social

    life/ability/interactions fluctuate greatly, containing trends of weeks to months in duration and quick jumps within

    a day (conversations in the morning could be fantastic, another two later in the day could be horrid, and the tone

    of my interactions will return and maintain that relatively great level).




    In the mid to late summer, things were going great. I had a crew from work to have lunch with and go

    out with after work if the mood struck us, and I found myself being a key part of this group. I had the witty

    comments, the Seinfeld references, the interesting facts and stories all flowing perfectly. I haven't been

    part of a solid group like this for almost a year now, and the time before that was the end of my college career. I

    thought maybe the tide had turned in my favor, and I was looking to keep it that way.


    Things change,

    however, and I had found myself losing my important role in the group. I felt like I was quickly becoming an

    outcast, whether is was because I missed a few gatherings or because I was running out of material.

    "Running out

    of material"...it is funny how change can make you think that maybe you're just putting on a facade and it suddenly

    went away. I don't believe that for a second, but you know things are starting to get bad when every other thing

    that comes out of your mouth is either not understood by anyone or practically ignored when the subject is changed

    immediately. It comes to the point where you think you are either boring or having nothing interesting to say to

    people.

    I don't claim to understand it, but I go from conversational guru to socially disfunctional from one

    time period to the next. Go figure.

    *****************
    I look back at my

    day. For the past 36 hours, I have felt either ignored or socially ineffective. It has been a part of a recent

    stretch of relatively frequent social debacles, and both cases have involved high people engagement. Things like

    body language, attitude, appearance, and pheromones could all be factors in this, but I have just realized that

    there might be more. When I am socially exhausted, people become completely turned off by conversations with me. I

    can do anything, but my efforts would be as futile as trying to stop making Rocky movies or bad reality TV shows.

    Here is my chance to test it.


    After chewing the enormous bite I

    took, I make my attempt at solving this riddle that has puzzled me for my whole life. I make sure that my body

    language and conversation content is practically identical to any other time or situation. I take my best shot at

    salvaging this potential disaster. This conversation lasts a couple of minutes before it dissolves. Fortunately,

    they put some new food on the table for me to go sample. When I return, I get one more shot at this. A person I

    have not met before walks by, and I introduce myself and my colleague. After a few minutes, my colleague goes away,

    and I am left alone to battle the inevitable boredom and tedious conversation that would typically arise in my

    state. I pay attention to body language, and I can see that this guy is looking for an out. Granted, he decided to

    leave the event, but I think I can just tell that this was not one of my best

    moments.


    I leave the party feeling miserable. I hit the gym and

    start running. For the first few minutes, I listen to the music while cursing in my head and venting overall

    aggrevation. Then, I realize, that this was all caused by my energy being drained. I realize the irony of

    understanding that my energy was drained and running helped recharge it (charging one battery while draining

    another, I guess), but it all makes sense now. When my battery is dead, people do not respond to me at all, and I

    begin to feel miserable. Just as pheromones cause people to act differently, my body's psychological energy level

    can affect how people react to me and even how I feel. What a fascinating

    realization.

    *****************
    I

    am introverted. I interact with the world on a much different level that 75% of the United States. For the first

    time in my life, I do not represent the majority. While the single, white, male, 20's demographic (alias John Q.

    Public, alias Joe Schmoe, alias will fit the basic profile of most serial killers when he reaches an older age

    group) was my previous locale, I now fit in a minority of people that have a difficult time assimilating to the

    culture because I am different.



    They say the hardest part of life is finding out who you are. What about

    the part where you have to accept the difference between who you are and who you have to be to fit in? I've spent

    my whole life making excuses, and when I first told the truth, people think I am shy/reserved/quiet or I have an

    anxiety disorder.



    I would continue this pondering, but I have another class soon and have to recover so as

    to be prepared for my next social marathon. It could be worse...I could require partying hard, taking drugs, and

    seeking cheap thrills to get the external stimulation I would need as an extrovert.

    I think that for once in my

    life I'm content being alone with nothing to do but relax. Apparently, I need it to retain my sanity.



    PR

  18. #18
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    Excellent stuff Pancho I

    learned something from that!
    I am an introvert too and proud of it. I think there are a lot of

    intoverted-type of people on this forum looking to improve their lives and who need the 'edge' that mones

    provide.

    Visionary

  19. #19
    Phero Enthusiast einstein's Avatar
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    I'd love to see another chapter

    too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks.

  20. #20
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by einstein
    I'd love to

    see another chapter too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks.
    am with you einstein

    I'd love to read an update. Pancho come out come out where ever you are. Hope you're doing

    fine.

    Brenda
    Last edited by SweetBrenda; 08-09-2004 at 11:54 AM.

  21. #21
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    What you wear can completely

    change you, i agree. You've seen movie stars without theyre makeup, movie crews can take the worst of people and,

    quite literally, make them movies stars

  22. #22
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    Hello

    *~Pancho~*

    Is nice to have you back from time to time. I really enjoy reading your long

    & nice posts. Definately someone I would love to get to know a lot more...You are very interesting & not forgetting

    lovable & pretty sincere from what I read.. Were you using phermones while you were writting this?


  23. #23
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    Default Back in the Game

    Back in the

    Game

    By Pancho Rivera

    "I'm back, baby!" --- George Costanza

    It's been a long time. A long time.

    I remember the last time I flirted with my ex. We met for the first time at a party. I was a little tipsy, and that

    was not the norm for me. I remember watching her play beer pong, and she was on a roll. I walked up like I was all

    cool and complimented her on her shot.

    "What a good shot. Look at that arc! What a release!"

    I mimic her

    hand motion as I pretend to take a shot. I'm not sure what the hell I was doing, but apparently, she liked it. I

    had her Instant Messenger screenname by the end of the night, and I was super excited. I had no idea what would

    become of this, but like G-Unit, "I wanna get to know you." Those were some good times. I couldn't wait until the

    next time we hung out together.

    It's been 22 months since then. It's also one year since I made love to her

    and almost ten months since I could call her my girlfriend (the last two months I was away, and then she broke up

    with me a few days after I returned). I have had a girl that really liked me since then, but I didn't really want

    her in that way. It's been a long time since I've been in the game. That time may be coming to an end.

    This

    girl walks by my cubicle. She just started working here recently, and I ask her how she's doing. She tells me that

    she needs me to help her with something, and I do so. Her desk is being moved close to mine, and I welcome her as a

    future neighbor.

    She moves in today, and I help her configure her monitor settings to fit her computer. I

    receive an e-mail shortly after thanking me for helping her twice. I'm very glad this nice person moved close to me

    because my friend was moving to another place shortly. My friend mentions to her to find an 'e-mail buddy' to

    exchange witty banter with to keep spirits high. I don't know if he was doing me a favor, but it crossed my mind

    that he was hooking me up. We e-mail each other...I e-mail her with witty comments such as my changing popular song

    lyrics to fit random events and quoting movies, and she replies with something cheerful here and there.

    We talk

    occasionally, and I find myself trying too hard as always. I finally just lay back and let things happen. I see a

    person or two pass by and talk to her. She tells me she likes it over where I am because people are actually social.

    I know, I have the cool area...designated as such ever since my friend and I started here.

    This one guy starts

    talking to her frequently...I find myself getting jealous once or twice. I'm not sure why, but you can guess. I get

    over it, however, and go about my business.

    The talking continues, and I offer such things as to help her move

    her things and go take a walk sometime. She smiles and says she might take me up on my offers. Is this a good sign?

    I hope so...

    It has been a good day today...productive and social. I have my SOE on, and I have no doubt that

    this is contributing to the well-being around me. I ask her what she's doing this weekend. We talk about the game

    I'm going to Saturday, my relaxing Sunday, and her plans. She has to finish something, so I retreat back to my

    desk.

    I'm sitting here trying to finish something before I leave for the weekend. I think about helping her

    next weekend. I was going to ask about this weekend, but she sounded busy. Suddenly, she gets up and looks at me. I

    smile and look at her. The next thing suprises me to no end:

    "If I have free time this weekend, I might be going

    to a museum if you want to go."

    What?!?!?!? I can't believe my ears. It only took two seconds for my

    whole world to change. Then again, nothing really changed. It's all perspective, I guess. This whole process feels

    very familiar...

    "Sure, that sounds fun. Do you want me to give you my number?"

    She has a piece of paper in

    her hands. I guess that answers my question.

    "No, here's mine. Just give me a call, and I'll figure out if I

    have time to go do something."
    "Okay, and then you can applaud me."
    "Why's that?"
    "Well, I told you before that

    my philosophy is, 'Well, if they want to talk to me, they'll call me.'"

    She tells me just to call her and we

    can see what's up. I'm looking at the paper with her number on it. Wow, this is a big development. It suddenly

    becomes a whole lot hotter in this office. That fuzzy feeling overcomes me.

    I realize the office 'dance' that

    one has to undergo when in these situations. I take this as a signal that office = subtle, but outside of this I

    have to be a man and take action. I can live with that.

    Now, I can't promise anything. I'd like to just hang

    out and have a work and activity buddy...but I guess that feeling I get is like a signal of what stuff like this

    does to me...

    Wow, I am suddenly back in the game. When the hell did that happen?

    PR
    Last edited by Pancho1188; 04-16-2005 at 11:04 AM.

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    "A Temporary

    Inconvenience"

    Pancho, to me, this is your greatest story yet. I'm 19 and ravaged by pimples. Since highschool,

    I used to lock myself up at home and get depressed often because of my acne. I even thought about suicide. But after

    years of missing out, I realized that there were some things that were just out of my control, and that I had to

    live with. Now, I try my best to grab every opportunity I can. I admit, I still have my ups and downs, but they

    aren't nearly as severe as before. Reading that story has only strengthened my confidence. Thank you!!

  25. #25
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    Question Deja Vu

    Deja Vu

    By Pancho

    Rivera


    Deja Vu

    By Pancho Rivera

    Rita: Have you ever had deja

    vu?

    Phil Connors: Didn't you just ask me that?

    --- Groundhog Day




    My whole life has come full circle. I have made many mistakes in my day, and they seem to have come back to haunt

    me again. In fact, my very reason for being here...for writing this...it's all found a way to repeat itself. What

    is going on here?

    There are three people of interest to me between the past year and the year before that...a

    big brother of sorts, a serious girlfriend, and another girl that played a major role yet didn't have the

    importance she should have due to one reason or another...ironically, the last person's importance is in that

    mixture of importance and lack of importance...or something like that.

    My 'big brother'/best friend was the

    closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from then on we grew apart despite the fact that we

    were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we did before. I guess life is funny like that

    sometimes.

    My girlfriend was part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we made a connection, and

    we really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we were in

    at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same organization.

    Something happened, and we

    hooked up. She went home and talked to her friends, and from then on we were strictly friends and she completely

    avoided anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We were friends for a while, and I eventually grew

    tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just

    afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she had been cheated on before and didn't want to

    get hurt. I pushed and pushed. I even stopped talking to her for a while when she went out with this other guy

    when I thought she'd finally go out with me. Almost six months of best friendship, and I somehow convinced her she

    did actually like me and it was worth a shot.

    We went out for six months, but when graduation approached, she

    bolted. I was crushed, but I eventually got over it. Shortly after this, she developed an eating disorder, and I

    gave whatever support I could to help her get better...I swallowed every ounce of pain and anger to help my best

    friend...

    During my horrible breakup, I met someone who was very much like myself and on the opposite side of

    the spectrum as my ex. She had some of the same personal problems I had (not including this recent breakup thing).

    She was there for me more than anyone could've asked for...and we were close occasionally (as in we hooked up), but

    I continually apologized for my inability to get emotionally attached because of my recent breakup and approaching

    graduation. She didn't trust or get emotionally attached to men, so it actually kind of worked out in some twisted

    way. On a side note, I wished I could've helped her trust people but ironically was just another one of those

    people who come and go in her life since I had to graduate and move on...

    My TV broke. My bed (futon) broke,

    but fortunately I was able to fix that. I had a slow start in my major, but eventually I came on strong and moved

    up to the top of the class...straight A's after the disasterous first semester in Finance. I was lonely for a

    period, but then activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...

    Fast forward to job...



    My start group partner/best friend was the closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from

    then on we grew apart despite the fact that we were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we

    did before. I guess life is funny like that sometimes.

    Two weeks after I started, a new person moves into the

    desk close to me. She has 75% resemblance to my friend who I left just months before...like a haunting memory of

    things past...

    My good friend is part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we were new neighbors

    at work and really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we

    were in at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same office...same area even.

    Something

    happened, and there was a moment of awkwardness...even sexual tension. I went home and she talked to her friends,

    and from then on we were strictly friends, from a 'preemptive rejection', if you will, and she completely avoided

    anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We have been friends for a while, and I eventually grew

    tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just

    afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she has other issues I am not aware of at the

    moment. I stopped talking to her for a while when she tried to get me to go out with this other girl when I thought

    she liked me.

    My bed broke. My TV broke, but I can get that fixed. I'm having a slow start in my career, but

    eventually I hope that I'll figure out where I should really be and flourish. I was lonely for a period, but then

    activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...

    My whole life is repeating itself. I'm

    watching it before my very eyes. I don't know what to do. I'm looking at this girl, I know that this is the same

    situation I was before, but I don't know how to handle it differently. Should I handle it differently? Will I

    repeat the same mistakes I've made before? Am I a better man now or is this just another bump in the road of life?

    What will happen?

    I didn't kiss her when I had the chance this time. The same thing still happened. At least

    last time I saw a little action before the girl freaked out. As always, I'm going to tell the truth about the

    whole thing and lay it flat out for her. This time, I know the game. I've been there. I know exactly what

    happened...even with the parts I wasn't there to witness. I'm going to call her on it. Am I right? Can I trust

    myself that I know all that I know? What will happen? Will it even change anything? Am I going to really get to

    liking this girl like before? I've been holding back because I noticed the same pattern.

    All I know is that

    this is really freaking me out. I don't know how to change things. I almost feel helpless, but at the same time I

    feel like I have the chance to make different choices this time around...to learn, to grow. What would you do with

    a second chance?

    I sit staring at the wall. I ponder my place in life. I think about the psychological

    significance of all of this information. This is too much for a mortal to process at once. What does it mean?

    I'm not sure, but I guess I'm about to find out in due time...

    You only live once...or do you?

    PR

  26. #26
    Man of La Pancha
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    Red face Memoirs of a Shaky Relationship

    Memoirs of a Shaky Relationship

    By Pancho Rivera

    I'm sitting at my desk at the end of the day
    I'm

    staring at my e-mail and the words on display
    I don't know the way, don't know what to say
    I just keep thinking

    maybe she's just quiet today

    I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do
    I read the message three

    times and still don't have a clue
    Is she mad? Is she sad? Is it bad?
    I keep on hoping maybe she would tell me

    she's glad

    To hear from me about my plans for the weekend
    And that I'd like to do something with her as a

    friend
    I don't think she gets it...I don't think she'd let it
    Get to the point where we don't talk and then

    just forget it

    I think about how she's over it now I think and I frown
    Don't see a way out I'm truly in

    doubt
    I wish I could think of a way to get me out of this pout

    I think of my ex...I wonder what's next
    I keep

    on thinking how long it's been since I've had sex
    I'm over it now...We've been through this now
    I push it to

    the back of my mind just for now

    And then I stop and I wonder just how this whole blunder
    Could shock through

    my heart, bolt of lightning and thunder
    I only had it for a second and I got the wrong signal
    But the words chant

    in my mind like on Christmas Eve vigil

    I've seen it dwindle...been back in the game
    Only to rekindle...what

    used to be an old flame
    Could you relight it...try to fight it...but despite it
    You try to move on, get through

    the day undecided

    Your head is cloudy, eyes are pouty, smile's lousy
    You can't go to sleep even though you

    are drowsy
    And then you get it, it comes to you in dreamland
    You won't regret it, your decision is at hand



    You make the final choice and you take a deep breath
    You hope your resolution will hold 'til your death
    Swallow

    your pride, don't try to hide what you will find
    Is that your will to do the right thing is lying deep inside



    I wake up, shake my head, think I'm dead
    'Til I look around and realize that another day's ahead
    I think to

    myself, "What a dream...could it be?"
    Is that the only thing that stands between you and me?

    I sigh 'til I

    die, never told her a lie
    But that's the kind of thing you have to learn how to try
    You don't wanna cry, you

    keep your face dry
    I only think that people like you when you don't ask them why

    I think to myself, "What

    happened to me?"
    When did I become full of sorrow...feel this eternally
    I get up to leave, I roll up my

    sleeve
    And then I get myself going...what a wicked web we weave


    PR

  27. #27
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    Default The Rationale

    The

    Rationale
    Logic for Living...Logic for Living Well

    By Pancho Rivera

    An

    excerpt from 25th Hour:

    *Looking in the Mirror*

    "Heh, $%#* you too. $%#* me? $%#* you.

    $%#* you and this whole city and everyone in it. $%#* the panhandlers grubbing for money and smiling at me behind my

    back. $%#* the squeegee men dirtying up the clean winshield of my car, Get a $%#*in job. $%#* the *$%#@* and the

    Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out of their pores, stinkin' up my day.

    Terrorists in $%#*ing training --SLOW THE $%#* DOWN! $%#* the Chelsea Boys with their waxed chests and pumped up

    biceps, going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jiggling their $%#*s on my Channel 35! $%#* the Korean

    Grocers with their pyramids of over-priced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic, ten years in the

    country still ‘no speaka English.’ $%#* the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafes, sipping tea

    in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and scheming, go back where you $%#*ing

    came from. $%#* the black Haddam in Hasidim strolling up and down 47th Street in their dirty gabardine with their

    dandruff, selling South African Apartite Diamonds. $%#* the Wall Street Brokers, self-stout masters of the universe.

    Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe $%#!#$%*@ figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those

    Enron $%#$%#s to jail for $%#*ing life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that $%#*? Give me a $%#*ing

    break. Tyco, Inclone, Adelphia, Worldcom. $%#* the Puerto Ricans, twenty to a car swelling up the welfare, world's

    worst $%#*in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dumb-inicans, cause they make the Puerto

    Ricans look good *wink*. $%#* the Benson Hearst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warmup suits, their

    St. Anthony medallions, swinging like Jason Giambi, Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for The

    Sopranos. $%#* the Upper East Side wives with their hand made scarves, and their fifty dollar Gucci artichokes.

    Over-fed faces, getting pulled and lifted and stretched all taut and shiny, You're not foolin' anybody,

    sweetheart! $%#* the Uptown Brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take 5 steps

    on every layup to the hoop, and then they wanna turn around and blame everything on the White man. Slavery ended One

    Hundred and Thirty Seven years ago, move the $%#* on! $%#* the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and

    their 41-shots, standing behind the Blue Wall of Silence, You betray our trust! $%#* the priests who put their

    hands down some innocent child's pants. $%#* the church that protects them while delivering us to evil, and while

    you're at it, $%#* J.C. He got off easy, a day on the cross, a weekend in Hell, and all the halleluias of the

    leigoned angels for eternity. Try seven years in $%#*in' Otisville, J. $%#* Osama bin Laden, Al Quaeda, and

    backward-$%#, cave dwelling fundamentalist $%#*%^&@ everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray

    you spend the rest of eternity with your 72 whores, roasting in a Jet-Fueled fire in hell. You towel-headed Camel

    Jockeys can kiss my royal Irish @$$! $%#* Jacob Elinski, whining, malcontent. $%#* Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my

    best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's @$$. $%#* Naturelle Rivera, I gave her my trust and she

    stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, $%#*in' bitch. $%#* my father, with his endless greed, standing

    behind that bar, sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen, and cheering the Bronx Bombers. $%#* this whole

    city and everyone in it. From the rowhouses in Astoria to the Penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the

    Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenaments in Alphabet City to the brownstones in park to the split-levels on

    Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage, let it burn to $%#*in ash, and let the waters rise

    and submerge this whole rat infested place.


    No.....No, $%#* you

    Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and you threw it away, you dumb $%#*!
    "



    I look in the mirror.

    Look at that face. I haven't seen such mature youth...such pleasant sadness...such calm fury. I stand back...the

    scrawny body of a muscular physique...I'd be the sexiest man alive if I wasn't this ugly. At the same time, I

    don't know what people are missing because that guy I'm staring at is a hottie...he could be on the cover of a

    magazine...so why is he looking in the mirror wondering what an ugly mug he has...

    My life is horrible. I hate

    my job, I hate my life, I hate who I am, how I think, what I do, where I'm from, what I don't have, what I take

    for granted, what I prevent myself from doing out of fear, how I hesitate from indecision, how nothing that comes

    out of my mouth makes sense and nothing I plan ever comes to fruition. I watch the man approaching behind me...he

    puts the gun to my head and pulls the trigger. I watch myself fall to the floor, knowing my life is over. What

    would happen then? Anything? Would anyone care? Would it even matter? Why does everything bad always happen to

    me? When is my big break? When am I going to get mine? Why am I always going to be stuck like this? What the

    hell is going on? Why can't I ever change anything and why can't anything ever work out for me? Why can't I

    find a girl? Why am I so alone? Why can't this just be over already? Who is doing this to me? Why can't the

    powers that be just give me what I want so I can be happy?

    My life is great. I have a good job, I make enough

    money to live comfortably, I like the people I work with, I like my friends and acquaintances, I am healthy, I have

    a body that pretty much requires no maintenance besides food, water, and sleep, and I never have to worry about

    where I'm going to sleep at night or how I'm going to live through until tomorrow. I eat well and have the luxury

    of time to ponder things like how the Steelers did or who might win the election come November. I don't have a

    girl right now, but I currently need to focus on other areas of my life right now and probably shouldn't have one,

    anyway. I'm feeling well and I know I am both physically and mentally capable of anything I set my mind to do. I

    am not sure what I want to do with my life, but most people don't. It's okay, I'll just find what makes me happy

    and continue on the path to self-realization. Bad things will hinder my progress along the way, but that's okay

    because I wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if they came too easily...I can do this, and nobody is going

    to tell me otherwise. Hell, I can't wait to get up tomorrow so I can get that much further towards my goals in

    life. The only one who has the power to shape my destiny is me. No one else is to blame for my situation in this

    world anymore. I'll be damned if I'm going to hold myself back...


    I ponder these two attitudes. One

    extremely negative, the other extremely positive. I look at these thought processes. Both could apply to my life

    at the same time. I could see things either way. Like my first thoughts, I could even think them at the same time,

    creating oxymorons and hyperbole. What has changed? Nothing. Everything is the same, and yet I could have these

    two (or three) extremely different viewpoints about my situation.


    Who's to blame for your problems? Who has

    the power to solve them? What will be your choice when it comes down to it? Choosing to do nothing is still a

    choice. Choosing to give up is still a choice.

    What do you see when you look in the mirror?

    PR

  28. #28
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    Default The Run

    The Run

    By

    Pancho Rivera


    "They can because they think they can."

    ---Virgil


    I've been reading about the

    power of the mind. I'm a big psychology buff, and I know there's always room for improvement in the realm of

    mental health. Being a recovering advocate of the 'worst-case scenario' thought process, I've lived my life

    mostly on the basis of my own limitations. It's interesting to think about limitations, as the only limitations

    are the ones you place on yourself. I still have a hard time believing this, but I know that thinking you can't do

    something surely isn't going to get you actually doing it.

    It's a Saturday, and I'm reading Tony Robbins'

    book, Unlimited Power. It's a very interesting read on how to maximize your own effectiveness. It's

    pretty much all about learning that your potential is a result of your own limitations, and your success is as

    simple as modeling success (i.e. the successful). Sounds easy, right? As my pessimistic side kicks in, I'd say

    no...but then my logical side kicks in and laughs by saying that by saying, "No," I'm effectively proving his

    point. Wow, talk about an impossible argument...you either believe it's easy and do it, thus accomplishing what

    you want and proving his point, or don't believe it and do nothing, also proving his point.

    Okay, as a diligent

    student of the psychological field...I guess it would benefit to test this theory. I read the chapter on beliefs

    and get psyched up. Yes, I can do that! If I couldn't fail, I would do this! I would do that! I could do

    anything! What the hell is stopping me? I know...I am! The only reason I'm not doing it is because I don't

    think it can be done!

    I'm psyched up and ready to roll. Where's my test? Hmmm...I'm going to the gym.

    Perfect! I'm motivated, I'm psyched, and I am in perfect condition to get ready to run. In fact, one of the

    examples in the book was that by modeling success and having the proper beliefs, a marathon runner cut his time by 9

    minutes and qualified for the Boston Marathon for the first time ever.

    I drink a sports drink to ensure

    hydration, and I haven't eaten for a while...enough to run comfortably. I'm ready to roll. What's a good goal

    for this run? My average time getting to the gym is about 26 1/2 minutes...my best to date was 24 1/2. My worst

    days showed anywhere from 30-32 minutes when I started this route (I think I got lost the first time...so I guess

    that doesn't count). We'll say 30 minutes.

    I bet you I can make it in 23 minutes. Hell, today...I'm

    going to make it in 23 minutes. Failure was not an option at this point. I am so excited that I almost bolt

    out the door. Normally, my, "Are you insane? 23 minutes? Do you realize that this time would be over a minute and

    a half faster than your best time? Let's face it...you're not about to win any marathons here. You're nuts.

    Maybe 24 minutes...but not 23," would kick in and I'd lose hope that this was possible.

    I perform my stretches

    to make sure I don't hurt myself despite the fact that I'm ready to fly out of here. Just when I think I'm done,

    I do a couple of more stretches to ensure that I'm perfect. I'm ready to roll.

    I turn on my music, have my

    hand on the timer...*Beep* The timer starts, and I start running.

    I think about how I'm going to achieve this.

    Good posture. Consistent breathing. Don't go too hard at first and wear yourself out. Keep your head up. Keep a

    smooth, steady stride. Don't waste too much movement.

    I get almost every light. I don't have to stop for

    traffic, and I'm rolling. I see people's walking patterns (I'm on a sidewalk...you know how that is...people

    walking in the middle aimlessly without leaving you any room whatsoever...then my favorite where they move from side

    to side as they go forward...it's like a video game where you're trying to get around Thwomps and moving obstacles

    and fiery pits to save the princess within the allotted time) before and make my moves accordingly. I shake and

    move like Barry Sanders around the pedestrians and keep up the pace.

    I take on the hills. Inclines are a

    runner's nightmare when it comes to time...you try to keep the same pace and end up burning out. I slow down to a

    comfortable pace that keeps my breathing steady. I can do this. I don't need to stop.

    Doubt almost crosses my

    mind for a second. Maybe 23 minutes was too bold of a goal...maybe 23:30 would be okay...I instantly cast this

    thought aside and go with my original plan.

    Then, I hit a light. I can run, or I can stop. I slow down and

    hesitate. I have to stop. This could ruin everything. No, I'm going to make it. In fact, use these seconds as

    time to recover so you can go harder when you get the walk sign! 10...15 seconds go by...I'd normally get worried,

    but I just relax my body and get ready to roll. Green light...I start on again.

    I come up on the end. I'm

    tired. It's the final stretch. I wonder what time it is? Hmmm...I guess I'll find out in a second. I turn it

    up at the end. I give myself just enough juice to hit the finish line. I'm tearing it up, flying down the road

    and feeling the last few seconds tick by...I pass my mark and stop the watch. I am not sure what to expect. I

    wasn't keeping a mental note or anything. This is the moment of truth. I look down...

    22:56:85



    ...................not only did I make my time, but I beat it by 3.15 seconds! I still don't believe it. I

    crack this skeptical smile and laugh like it's a joke or something. In fact, as I try to catch my breath and

    recover, I don't even bend over or need a second. I stand up straight, take a few recovering breaths, and get my

    key card out for the gym. I walk in and do my workout, which was also strong, then run home at a leisurely pace.



    I ran 14 percent faster than average and 6 percent faster than my best just because I thought it was possible and

    put myself into the mindset (or 'resourceful state') to do so.

    Hmmm...what are my limitations? Maybe they're

    only the ones I place on myself...maybe it's time to learn the guitar, improve my Spanish, write a book, improve my

    voice/communication skills, learn to read people's body language and belief structures, take the GRE or GMAT, get a

    master's degree or doctorate, woo a female, work harder and be happier...

    What would you do if you knew you

    couldn't fail?

    PR

  29. #29
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    Default I Know What Happened

    I Know

    What Happened


    By Pancho Rivera

    I'm sitting at my desk, wondering what just happened. How did

    this happen? I was just supposed to sit at my desk and shut up...then all hell broke loose.

    I pushed it too

    far. I had to go there, didn't I? Mr. Psycho-Wannabe had to try to analyze everything to a point where he pushed

    someone back. What an intelligent idea.

    What goes on through my head? "Well, things are on the fence right

    now...kind of ambiguous...I'm a little impatient...let's just rock the boat and get this over with." Yeah, I

    guess I subconsciously push the envelope on purpose to get out of a blurry situation that puts everyone into

    "What's going on?" mode...

    Actually, that's not entirely accurate. She wanted to clear things up...in the

    negative fashion. "It's never going to happen." Wow, that's a shitty thing to say, especially when I never

    asked. Maybe I should have just let it go...no, I couldn't do that. Why?

    I know why. She liked me. I know

    this. I know when someone likes me. I seem to know even more acutely when someone likes me but has problems

    getting close to the people they like. Hell, that's my specialty. After all, I've been through that before. Six

    months of, "I like you as a friend and don't want to mess things up," turned suddenly into, "I realized that I do

    love you." No shit. I could've told you that six months ago. I'm psychic. I'm a genius. Whatever. Don't

    mess with what goes on under my umbrella...Pancho know's what's going on under his poncho, dammit. You can slip

    one past this guy. Now it happens again. I know she likes me, but this time she's afraid to get close because she

    doesn't like---no, that's not right---she just doesn't get attached to people...what a dumb way to think. Ugh.



    Why do I get involved with these kind of people? I know why...they're positive, happy, energetic, friendly, and

    lighthearted. You know what I've discovered at the same time? It's a cover for something dark deep down inside,

    and they use that positivity to cover their own weakness...they don't like to talk about it. I come along...the

    "relationship accelerator", the "drill", the deep guy who connects with people on an intimate level...and blow right

    through their blockade and hit straight to the heart. I get through. What happens? They go nuts. Alarms go

    off...They reach Defcon 1...it's on...WWIII...

    The defenses go up...I get completely bombarded or evaded with

    defensive maneuvers...and these people are the best. They can change the subject or shoot you down in 100 different

    ways without you even noticing...

    ...I usually keep coming. In the past, I persisted to get into the heart of

    someone for six months until I won. But did I really win? It didn't work out in the end...to my own detriment.



    This time, I took a shot to myself. I gave her the reason to get pissed off, and she had just the opportunity to

    push me out. I don't have the strength I once had...or maybe I'm too proud or trying to do something different to

    make things better than before only to make them turn out the opposite. I don't know...but now I'm sitting at my

    desk wondering what just happened.

    ----------------------------------------

    I hit it off with this girl, and

    we talked all of the time. When things got awkward, she would push me back. I didn't let it get to me, I just

    kept doing what I do...and we got close.

    She admits to getting emotionally attached and that that's not what

    she does. I say it's dumb to push people away because you're afraid of getting close. She keeps her guard up,

    and then it comes. I was supposed to be quiet and pretend I was Mr. Laid Back and see what

    happened...instead...well...

    She asks me to talk to her friend, and I go ballistic. I tell her what a great

    idea that was because it got her friend telling her problems to me and me identifying and talking to her so I

    wouldn't push any more deep, thoughtful, emotional psychological questions onto her. After all, it'd be a great

    idea if she did it for that reason. She tells me it's not like that...I've heard that before...maybe I'm just

    always wrong...or maybe I'm always right and it gets to these people so they deny it. Either way, I'm gullible

    and could never stick to my guns...

    I tell her that she's just mad because I'm right. Well, that didn't

    work.

    She gets mad and tells me not to talk to any of her friends and to forget everything. Hmmm...I wonder

    where I went wrong? Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.

    I e-mail her a few days later.

    She responds with one word answers to my comments. I stop talking to her unless she asks me a work-related

    question...which were the only questions asked of me, anyway.

    It's like this for a week. I am unsure about the

    whole thing...like if she's mad...so I finally ask her.

    "Am I in the midst of a situation that needs

    reconciling?" How eloquent.

    "No." How eloquent.

    Well, I guess that solves that whole puzzle. They're

    going to hire me as a detective if I keep this record up.

    We decide to take a walk later to talk. This turns

    out to be an even worse idea.

    We usually take the stairs, but I forget as always and hit the elevator button. I

    apologize and go for the stairs, and she says no and goes for the elevator. I take the stairs down, and she takes

    the elevator. This is not good.

    I beat her down...leaping flights of steps in one bound as I take over a

    half-dozen floors in seconds. What an awkward situation when we reunite at the bottom. This pretty much sets the

    tone for the whole conversation.

    She says that there's nothing wrong and that I only mumble good morning when

    she comes in. I only didn't do that once because I thought she wasn't talking to me so I was just pretending I

    didn't care or whatever. Anyway, I said that she got short with me on e-mails, and she said she was busy. I said

    I stopped talking to her because she stopped saying anything on e-mails so I figured she didn't want to talk to me.

    Okay, so neither of us is mad and neither of us doesn't want to stop talking to the other, so what the hell is

    going on?

    She speaks again, "Well, it put a stop to the 'relationship accelerator'." Oh, so that's

    what this is about...

    Sure, she'd deny that, but I know that I gave her the ammunition to push me away. Now,

    I'm way too uncomfortable around her to even think of anything interesting to say. I don't want to talk to her

    anymore, and yet I miss my friend. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.

    I pull out a piece

    of paper with some information relevant to my last girlfriend. I've been witholding it for months because I

    couldn't take the thought of talking to her again. I type an e-mail like I was writing something for work...the

    same format and everything. Completely emotionless with regards to a year and a half of the most insane learning

    experience in the realm of relationships I've ever had. I am courteous and professional, do not ask a single

    question about her life nor reveal a single thing about my life. I send her the information in a mature,

    thoughtful, and professional manner. I don't think twice about any of its implications or anything about that

    relationship. Apparently, I've been burdened with new problems that bury the old...and I haven't even had another

    girlfriend since this person. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Am I completely wrong? Is it what she says?

    Can I believe all of this?

    We're close, she keeps me at arm's length, I naturally push through due to my way

    of interacting, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached so she keeps me back, she gets mad but is now busy

    and can't talk as much and figures that I don't want to talk to her because I do not say good morning with such

    enthusiasm when I greet her...

    Am I completely right? Is it what I say? Can I believe it?

    We're close,

    she keeps me away, I push through, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached, she get mad and uses it as an

    excuse to keep me away. After all, better far and awkward than close and awkward...She likes me and is full of

    shit. Now, however, I just want to get away from this because I don't want to go through this again. Since I'm

    keeping myself back, this will die just like anything else you quit feeding.

    I just wanted a friend. I

    wouldn't have minded a girlfriend, but I always get mixed up with the wrong people. Now I have an awkward

    acquaintance.

    Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.

    PR

  30. #30
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    Default The Crush (Part I)

    The Crush

    (Part I)


    By Pancho Rivera

    I hate crushes. I've had a numerous amount of crushes in my life (I

    believe the record stands at 7...but maybe as many as 9). In fact, I seem to have so much experience in being

    attracted to girls I would never see the time of day with that I have categories for them, listed in chronological

    order as sort of an 'evolution' of the crush:*

    -The Secret Admirer
    -The Perfect Girl
    -The 'Hit It Off'

    Girl

    *Please note that crushes do not always coincide with girlfriends. I have had girlfriends that were never

    crushes and, obviously, crushes that were never girlfriends. Therefore, girlfriends are not mentioned here unless

    they were crushes.

    The Secret Admirer

    This is a girl that you know you have no shot with and

    couldn't even approach. This is more for younger age groups when you hang out in different social circles, but it

    may very well apply to older people as well. This is the one that is also most like the "boyhood crush" where you

    act retarded around them. Basically, the secret admiree becomes the object of temporary obsession. You can't stop

    thinking about this person, you can't talk to them because you would die (as you get older this becomes more along

    the lines of just losing your ability to carry on a conversation), and you constantly think of ways in which you

    could get that person. It's a borderline obsession at times. You know you can't have them because there's

    something that will always keep you from becoming more than acquaintances (if you even reach that point).

    Nevertheless, your brain will not stop running scenarios and thoughts about the person, and you cannot get that

    person out of your mind. The person is perfect and can do no wrong in your eyes. Everything they do is like magic.

    This can drive a person to the brink of insanity. This goes on for weeks or even a few months.

    How does it end?

    Well, from my experience, distance is the best cure. If you never see them, the crush will die. Naturally, the fact

    that you see the person frequently is why you have the crush in the first place. Seriously, how many times have you

    heard of someone having a crush for more than a few days on someone they've only seen once and may never see again?

    I'm sure it's happened, but we're pushing the envelope on crush and looking more towards obsession/insanity if we

    go down that road.

    The three main ways I've overcome a "secret admirer" crush:

    1. Get them to not like you

    (or get it through your head as such)
    2. Distance/Time
    3. Get rejected/dumped or publically humiliated by them



    One of my personal experiences on ending a crush was not a very healthy or kind one. I carefully studied why I

    felt the way I did, and logic determined that hope was the source of my passion. Therefore, to kill my hope would be

    to kill the crush. This has been my savior and also one of the things I'm least proud of. Why did I have hope? How

    did this come to be? Well, as long as I never really knew the person, they didn't really have a negative opinion of

    me and therefore I always had hope of somehow getting that person to like me. As this was impossible due to the

    above restraints, I knew I had only one way to kill this hope: get the person to not like me.

    I'll never forget

    the time when I sent this somewhat mean letter to the girl I liked (after a few made-up secret admirer notes that a

    friend made to play a trick on her and she thought it was me), and when I gave it to someone to deliver to her,

    everyone in the class that hated her wrote nasty things on the paper. To top it off, one of them drew hearts on it

    to make it look like a love letter. Wow, that cured things real fast. She freaked out, and I heard about what

    happened with the mean comments later. Well, on a positive note...knowing she didn't like me killed the crush.

    Actually, I think I almost got in trouble for that but the teacher liked me (don't ask what I mean by that because

    I'm not sure...I still to this day don't know what was with that man...)

    Again, I am reminded of another time

    when I had another crush and sat a seat behind and to the left of this one girl. I made sarcastic comments all of

    the time to her, which got a, "That's not very nice," response from her once. It's funny because the sarcastic

    comments weren't really that mean, and I think she even thought I was a decent guy (I was a smart, nice guy but

    just tried that to get rid of my crush)...I can't remember whether it was that or distance that cured that one...I

    think time and eventually distance fixed that one. I don't have the heart to be mean...notice that even the first

    example wasn't my doing (all I wrote was that she was full of herself if she thought I liked her...but that

    wasn't the only thing written on the paper) and this one wasn't even mean...just three or four wise cracks.



    The one crush I remember distance/time being the deciding moment was with a girl I liked at my second job. She was

    everything I hated in a person, and yet I had the worst crush on her. How is this possible? Well, she was stuck up

    and into herself. There's nothing I hate more...but she was also sooooo nice to me. She also thanked me when I did

    nice things for her. Whether it be real appreciation and kindness or fake comments to use me...I think it was both.

    She was nice to me, but she knew she could get me to do whatever she wanted if she asked nicely. Man, she hypnotized

    me. Yes, I could say more than two words to her, but I was never going to have her (she had a bf, I was younger than

    her, you name it). I still to this day don't understand why I liked her in the first place because she represented

    what I hated in a woman. She was beautiful and nice to me, though, and I guess that's all it took. I couldn't shut

    up about her, I couldn't wait to work with her...hell, I'd even work extra days just to see if I could work with

    her...and always volunteered when they needed someone to work when she was going to be there.

    The worst

    part of this was that my best female friend had a crush on me at the same time. Oh, I would go on and on about this

    girl and have my friend kindly put up with it forever because she liked me. I hate myself for doing that to

    her...but I was seriously under a spell for those few months. If I ever speak to my friend again (we lost contact

    after a while), I would apologize for putting her through hell and thank her for being such a good friend.

    The

    beauty of this sad story is the ending. My crush ended up leaving, and I'll never forget the goodbye. We were

    sitting in my boss's office, she gave me a, "Goodbye, Pancho," and after the little pleasantries that was that. As

    soon as she walked out that door and I knew I'd never see her again, I snapped out of it instantly. Two seconds

    later, I was crush-free. I still have no idea how an uncontrollable crush ended so easily.

    The final type is

    represented by the worst rejection I think I've ever received. At my cousin's recommendation (I was in 6th grade,

    my cousin was in high school), I wrote her a note saying I liked her and left it in her desk at lunch when everyone

    left. When I came back, the room was full of people talking about the note. Everyone wanted in on this event.

    Everyone was circled around the girl and the note. As I walk in, people turn and approach me, encircling me and

    bombarding me with all kinds of questions. As the shy, introverted kid I was in school, I'd never seen anything

    like it. I didn't know what to say or do. I looked down and blushed...but I looked down most of my childhood out of

    shyness and low self-esteem, so I guess that's not saying much. Anyway, everyone kept asking me if I was going to

    ask her out and if she was going to say yes and what was going to happen. There was a couple of minutes before the

    next class, so the tension increased. Everyone told me to ask her, and they slowly guided me to where she was

    sitting. I paced back and forth a little, mustering the strength it'd take for someone like me to ask this girl

    out. I take a deep breath, they open a spot for me, I put my hands on the desk and look down at her and ask, "Will

    you go out with me?" All eyes turn toward her. She says, "Yes."

    I am not sure what to do at this moment. I

    can't really talk to this person, I'm shy, and it's time to go to the next class. I can't remember the next

    exact moment, but I believe it resulted in large commotion and half the people going for their books and the other

    half congratulating me or something. I got my stuff for the next class, my head was spinning, I was light-headed,

    and I walked to the door. As this was going on, she was talking to two of her close friends. As I walked to the

    exit, she approached me and said, "You're dumped." That, of course, sent my head into more spinning and

    light-headedness, which either counter-acted or added on to the previous symptoms. I remember it being a horrible

    moment but somehow this strange thing that came over me prevented me from having an external emotional response. I

    remember feeling completely rejected, but I was too out of it to let it hit too hard. I felt bad for a while after

    that, but I got over it and the crush was gone as soon as the rejection was made. In fact, shortly afterwards (days

    maybe) I had no idea what I even saw in her in the first place.


    I had one or two other "Secret Admirer"

    crushes in my time, but there's not much to mention there. My first crush, in which the girl actually liked me a

    little, had nothing come of it because I was ~8 years old at the time, we only saw each other at school, and peer

    pressure (embarrassment, etc.) prevented anything substantial.

    In summary, the secret admirer crush can be the

    most brutal and yet the most fickle. Distance seems to be the key, but it is impossible to avoid if you are

    frequently stuck in the same location for any period of time. Age is the greatest weapon against the "Secret

    Admirer", and I wonder if I will have any more in the future as it's been about 5 years since I've had this

    crush...

    PR

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