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  1. #61
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    *Waitng on

    Last edited by SweetBrenda; 08-09-2004 at 11:54 AM.

  2. #62
    Phero Enthusiast einstein's Avatar
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    I'd love to see another chapter

    too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks.

  3. #63
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by einstein
    I'd love to

    see another chapter too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks.
    am with you einstein

    I'd love to read an update. Pancho come out come out where ever you are. Hope you're doing


    Last edited by SweetBrenda; 08-09-2004 at 11:54 AM.

  4. #64
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Scientific Proof of Pheromones

    Scientific Proof of Pheromones

    By Pancho Rivera

    The following question raises the concept of

    attraction that I am so compelled to answer that I may just enlighten a few minds with the wonders of human


    Is there any scientific proof of pheromone product increasing the

    perceived attractiveness of the wearer?

    If pheromone products really

    worked then such a study would easily increase sales tremendously.


    I see here is anecdotic evidence, and anecdotic evidence is almost no evidence at all.

    I am looking for scientific proof for the beneficial effect of specific pheromone

    The subject of pheromone products is an issue that begs an even larger question: How

    do I attract the opposite sex?

    I'll tell you that, historically speaking, this has been the most important

    question to ever arise in human thought. You may think I am exaggerating, and maybe I am...but the number one goal

    that we can 'scientifically prove' exists for the human race or any other life forms containing two sexes that

    must mate in order to carry on the species is that humans, as a species, try to attract the opposite sex in order to

    mate and produce offspring. After all, religion, civilization, and a slight genetic modification that leads one to

    become attracted to the same sex aside, the basic life drive in every species is to live, mate, procreate, and

    protect the next generation.

    Now, why am I bothering you with historical theories as to the origin of the

    species, human psychology, and the very question of the purpose of our existence? Let's scale this down a little.

    Basically, you're at this site and forum to learn more about pheromones, right? The question is, "Do they work?"

    You're thinking it. I'm thinking it. We're all thinking it if we're at this site. Well, I'll tell you flat out

    that there is no way you're going to be able to 'scientifically prove' that pheromones will absolutely and

    without a doubt make you more attractive to the opposite sex. How can I make such a bold statement? Easy...and I'll

    support it with a proverb:

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    This quite possibly sums up everything you

    can say about what will get you laid.

    I will compare pheromones to every other product known to man---or just

    four, whichever comes first---that will make you more likely to get laid.

    Clothes - Will they get you laid?

    Maybe. If you clean yourself up and flaunt around in your new Armani suit, FUBU/A&F/Hilfiger/Old Navy/Banana

    Republic (this is surely dating this post if this becomes the new explanation of pheromones) outfit, some lucky man

    or woman may just like your style. They may think it's a show. They may think you're an idiot for spending $200 on

    a shirt. They may think that means you'll spend $200 on one of his or hers. The best thing I can say is to get

    something that fits your personality and style. Go with it, and if a man or woman doesn't like you for who you are,

    then that's their problem because there are so many people out there.

    Makeup - Will it get you laid? I've seen

    so many women wear tons of makeup and look incredibly disgusting. I've seen women wear just the right combination

    to be knockouts. I personally love natural beauties who look fine without any and are comfortable with that. In

    other words, makeup won't make you any more likely to get laid with me, but it'll certainly give you a shot with a

    lot of guys out there. If it makes you feel better about yourself, more power to you.

    Money, a Fancy Car,

    Jewelery, 'Bling Bling' - Will this get you laid? Maybe. It certainly doesn't hurt, but don't let it go to your

    head. "Money can't buy me love." But it could get you a night with someone...if you're into that sort of thing.

    Perfume/Cologne - Will this get you laid? Maybe. Wearing too much cheap cologne will repel people faster than two

    electromagnets set at the same polarity---or wearing a leisure suit, talking like Gilbert Godfrey, and having an

    unhealthy obsession with Gary Coleman. On the other hand, just the right scent can send a person into a heavenly

    state of bliss that will have them melting into your hands. As unlikely as either two of those situations are, the

    most likely outcome is some people will like the scent and others won't. Obviously, you may be targeting one

    person, in that case you try to find out what he or she likes through experimentation. "I wonder if (s)he'll

    compliment me on this scent? Hmmm..."

    Is there scientific fact that money, clothes, makeup, perfume, or anything

    else will guarantee an increase in your sexual activity over the course of the year? Unless you're paying for 365

    sexual encounters and 366 on a leap year, I don't think so. I do, however, believe that they wouldn't hurt and to

    try them if it does the following things that I've touched on in these humorous analyses:

    1. Get something that

    fits your personality and style.
    2. If it makes you feel better about yourself, more power to you.
    3. It certainly

    doesn't hurt, but don't let it go to your head.
    4. The most likely outcome is some people will like it and others


    Wow, those four points somehow align with things you should consider with pheromone usage.

    And now,

    without further ado, I will answer the eternal question:

    Pheromones - Will they get you laid? Maybe. A nice

    subtle bodily signal that sends friendly, sensual messages to those around you saying, "Hey, I'm interesting," will

    get you noticed. People not looking for anything probably won't notice you in a sexual manner, but maybe with a

    hint of something that stirs their primative urges, they'll take a second look. They'll think. They'll

    wonder...and that, my friend, is just the edge that you get. Sometimes, that's all the edge a person requires to

    make a successful social or sexual encounter.

    Go with something that suits you. Go with what you think that

    person would like. If it makes you feel good about yourself, or causes the infamous placebo effect, what's the

    difference? Confidence is sexy, and if confidence came in a small bottle, I'd buy it. Some people buy expensive

    stuff or get plastic surgery to feel like better people. This costs a lot less than a nose job, and it'll certainly

    be less painful. Don't let it go to your head, though, because you'll either be expecting a magical transition to

    'super stud' and be disappointed or be acting like you're 'super stud' and get passed off as full of yourself.

    The most likely outcome is that some people will like it and some won't. You shouldn't care about those who

    aren't interested, and those that are...well, go get 'em, tiger.

    Will they work for you? I don't know. You

    could always try...after all, people have done dumber and crazier things to attract the opposite sex.

    Men have

    fought wars, risen to positions of greatness, killed, been killed, lied, cheated, stolen, and millions of other

    things to get women.

    Women have worn corsets...enough said.

    Last edited by Pancho1188; 07-12-2004 at 03:27 PM.

  5. #65
    Banned User TopDawg2050's Avatar
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    What you wear can completely

    change you, i agree. You've seen movie stars without theyre makeup, movie crews can take the worst of people and,

    quite literally, make them movies stars

  6. #66
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    The whiney little black guy in those 7-uP commercials?
    If a guy's a cocksucker in his life, when he dies, he don't become a saint. - Morris Levy, Hitmen

    Holmes' Theme Song

  7. #67
    Phero Pro SweetBrenda's Avatar
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    Is nice to have you back from time to time. I really enjoy reading your long

    & nice posts. Definately someone I would love to get to know a lot more...You are very interesting & not forgetting

    lovable & pretty sincere from what I read.. Were you using phermones while you were writting this?

  8. #68
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Back in the Game

    Back in the


    By Pancho Rivera

    "I'm back, baby!" --- George Costanza

    It's been a long time. A long time.

    I remember the last time I flirted with my ex. We met for the first time at a party. I was a little tipsy, and that

    was not the norm for me. I remember watching her play beer pong, and she was on a roll. I walked up like I was all

    cool and complimented her on her shot.

    "What a good shot. Look at that arc! What a release!"

    I mimic her

    hand motion as I pretend to take a shot. I'm not sure what the hell I was doing, but apparently, she liked it. I

    had her Instant Messenger screenname by the end of the night, and I was super excited. I had no idea what would

    become of this, but like G-Unit, "I wanna get to know you." Those were some good times. I couldn't wait until the

    next time we hung out together.

    It's been 22 months since then. It's also one year since I made love to her

    and almost ten months since I could call her my girlfriend (the last two months I was away, and then she broke up

    with me a few days after I returned). I have had a girl that really liked me since then, but I didn't really want

    her in that way. It's been a long time since I've been in the game. That time may be coming to an end.


    girl walks by my cubicle. She just started working here recently, and I ask her how she's doing. She tells me that

    she needs me to help her with something, and I do so. Her desk is being moved close to mine, and I welcome her as a

    future neighbor.

    She moves in today, and I help her configure her monitor settings to fit her computer. I

    receive an e-mail shortly after thanking me for helping her twice. I'm very glad this nice person moved close to me

    because my friend was moving to another place shortly. My friend mentions to her to find an 'e-mail buddy' to

    exchange witty banter with to keep spirits high. I don't know if he was doing me a favor, but it crossed my mind

    that he was hooking me up. We e-mail each other...I e-mail her with witty comments such as my changing popular song

    lyrics to fit random events and quoting movies, and she replies with something cheerful here and there.

    We talk

    occasionally, and I find myself trying too hard as always. I finally just lay back and let things happen. I see a

    person or two pass by and talk to her. She tells me she likes it over where I am because people are actually social.

    I know, I have the cool area...designated as such ever since my friend and I started here.

    This one guy starts

    talking to her frequently...I find myself getting jealous once or twice. I'm not sure why, but you can guess. I get

    over it, however, and go about my business.

    The talking continues, and I offer such things as to help her move

    her things and go take a walk sometime. She smiles and says she might take me up on my offers. Is this a good sign?

    I hope so...

    It has been a good day today...productive and social. I have my SOE on, and I have no doubt that

    this is contributing to the well-being around me. I ask her what she's doing this weekend. We talk about the game

    I'm going to Saturday, my relaxing Sunday, and her plans. She has to finish something, so I retreat back to my


    I'm sitting here trying to finish something before I leave for the weekend. I think about helping her

    next weekend. I was going to ask about this weekend, but she sounded busy. Suddenly, she gets up and looks at me. I

    smile and look at her. The next thing suprises me to no end:

    "If I have free time this weekend, I might be going

    to a museum if you want to go."

    What?!?!?!? I can't believe my ears. It only took two seconds for my

    whole world to change. Then again, nothing really changed. It's all perspective, I guess. This whole process feels

    very familiar...

    "Sure, that sounds fun. Do you want me to give you my number?"

    She has a piece of paper in

    her hands. I guess that answers my question.

    "No, here's mine. Just give me a call, and I'll figure out if I

    have time to go do something."
    "Okay, and then you can applaud me."
    "Why's that?"
    "Well, I told you before that

    my philosophy is, 'Well, if they want to talk to me, they'll call me.'"

    She tells me just to call her and we

    can see what's up. I'm looking at the paper with her number on it. Wow, this is a big development. It suddenly

    becomes a whole lot hotter in this office. That fuzzy feeling overcomes me.

    I realize the office 'dance' that

    one has to undergo when in these situations. I take this as a signal that office = subtle, but outside of this I

    have to be a man and take action. I can live with that.

    Now, I can't promise anything. I'd like to just hang

    out and have a work and activity buddy...but I guess that feeling I get is like a signal of what stuff like this

    does to me...

    Wow, I am suddenly back in the game. When the hell did that happen?

    Last edited by Pancho1188; 04-16-2005 at 11:04 AM.

  9. #69
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default A Temporary Inconvenience


    Temporary Inconvenience

    By Pancho Rivera

    I was supposed to go hang out with this girl on Sunday. I

    had been psyched since Friday when she made the suggestion. On Saturday, I went to a soccer game. I was in the sun

    all day with no sun screen. Sometimes you just forget these things. I came home looking like a raddish. I was so

    red that I could've convinced people that a new skin color existed. I could've started a new form of

    discrimination: "Hey, red. Hey, reddie red-red. Hey, red-face. Hey, you stupid rosa. Yeah, that's

    red bastard!"

    I was fried. Man, it looked pretty bad. I was freaked out that I looked dumb and she would be

    embarrassed to be seen with me. What did I do? I called her up, left a message saying that I was wondering if she

    was still going out and if I would be accompanying her, and then jokingly told her that I had a fun time yesterday

    but got completely sunburned so I hoped she wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me.

    We ended up going out,

    and we had a great time. I even forgot that I was sunburned. That allowed me to be natural, and everything turned

    out fine. I could only imagine what I'd have done had I cancelled out. If I see a chance, I take it. The only

    one obsessed with my own shortcomings is me.

    I've gotten the, "Looks like you've got some sun," and, "Wow, you

    got sunburned," but nobody ever gave me anymore of a hard time than that. I don't even care. In fact, that

    particular ailment makes for a good conversation starter.

    I get pimples/zits/whatever a lot. I don't even

    worry about it. That stuff comes and goes, and I don't even notice anymore except for when it hurts. I have

    freckles, so I guess that helps because my face is full of dots, anyway.

    In other words, I would rather seize an

    opportunity to be with someone and have a good time than to let something stupid like that get in the way. If I

    felt bad, I would apologize for it, get the, "Oh, it's no big deal," reassurance from the person I was with, and

    forget about it. Otherwise, I would just go on without even mentioning it. There's only so many times someone

    will go out of their way to talk to you and get rejected...

    Obstacles, problems, and ailments go away, but

    you'll always be there.


  10. #70
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Experience is the Key


    is the Key
    A post of realization for the generation gap

    By Pancho Rivera

    With age

    comes experience. It is the natural progression of things. You can tell people to do something, but until they

    actually do it they will never understand what the hell you are talking about. My major is a perfect example of

    this. I was a finance major, and they didn't teach me jack about making money in the stock market. Hell, they

    didn't teach me much of anything. The first thing they admit is that they couldn't tell you how to win in the

    stock market game, they could only teach you the principles of the stock market and hope that you learn how to do

    the best you can with the knowledge of the fundamentals. Life works by the same rules.

    You can teach children

    how to live. You can tell boys how to pick up girls. They won't know what the hell you are talking about. They

    won't be able to do it without experience. All you can do is lay out the principles of relationships and hope that

    by understanding the fundamentals they can learn how to maximize the benefits of this knowledge by applying it to

    their lives in combination with their experiences.

    People are listening. They just don't have the experience

    to apply the principles. One day, they will. When the time comes, they will become wise and try to pass on that

    knowledge to the next generation, wondering why the hell the kids don't understand or listen to what they're

    talking about. After all, now that you have the experience, the method seems easy. Remember, it's not. It only

    seems that way when you've had so much experience that you can't remember life any other way.

    Instead of

    giving them a verbal smackdown and telling them how easy it is, which only makes people mad and resentful, maybe

    it's easier to sympathize and tell them how it's hard until you get experience with it, and the key is to

    encourage them to keep trying until it becomes easier. It's almost as hard watching others struggle as it was to

    struggle yourself with the same problem only a short time ago.

    Life is hard. If it wasn't hard, everybody

    would succeed. The hard is what makes all of the hell you went through to get there worth it.


  11. #71
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Ya' know, the difference between an

    old person and a young 'un is:

    The old person has had the time to make the stupid mistakes a young 'un

    hasn't gotten around to yet!!
    Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
    --Lazarus Long

  12. #72
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default The Keys

    The Keys

    that life is sometimes a series of strange coincidences

    By Pancho Rivera

    I went to the gym, gave my keys to the lady, and noticed that she gave me my

    locker key and didn’t replace my house keys on the hook. I went to my locker, and in the confusion of having to

    find a place to put my stuff to change, I proceeded to put my stuff in another locker that was open because someone

    apparently took the key back to the front desk without shutting


    The person who got that locker's key next came up from behind me, looked at

    me and asked if I had the right locker, to which I shamefully started moving my stuff from his locker to mine. He

    offered to just switch locker keys, but I declined because I knew that we’d get our keys mixed up at the front desk

    and then it’d be a huge mess. I go to the front desk at the end of my workout, and my keys were not on the hook for

    my locker number.

    I couldn’t remember who took my key, but I specifically remembered that event

    of her not replacing the locker key for my keys before she started servicing someone else. After almost ten minutes

    of confusion, I finally noticed the one defining quality of my keys from the hundred others: my work cardkey. I got

    my keys and went home.

    After getting home, I almost set my keys somewhere else other than the place

    that I usually put them, and I instinctively stopped myself because I didn’t want to lose my keys like the gym did.

    I was going to watch a movie, but I remembered that my computer was screwed up and it wouldn’t play the DVD

    properly. I therefore decided to watch an episode of Seinfeld that I hadn’t seen in a while, and after watching it

    for a few minutes remembered today’s event. The episode I chose without realizing the connection: The Keys, where

    Kramer abuses his key privileges, everyone switches spare key buddies, and Jerry loses his


    Sometimes strange themes arise in different parts of your life. None of

    these events would've happened on any other day, but they all happened at once on that particular day. Go



  13. #73
    Phero Enthusiast Snoopy's Avatar
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    "A Temporary


    Pancho, to me, this is your greatest story yet. I'm 19 and ravaged by pimples. Since highschool,

    I used to lock myself up at home and get depressed often because of my acne. I even thought about suicide. But after

    years of missing out, I realized that there were some things that were just out of my control, and that I had to

    live with. Now, I try my best to grab every opportunity I can. I admit, I still have my ups and downs, but they

    aren't nearly as severe as before. Reading that story has only strengthened my confidence. Thank you!!

  14. #74
    Man of La Pancha
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    Question Deja Vu

    Deja Vu

    By Pancho


    Deja Vu

    By Pancho Rivera

    Rita: Have you ever had deja


    Phil Connors: Didn't you just ask me that?

    --- Groundhog Day

    My whole life has come full circle. I have made many mistakes in my day, and they seem to have come back to haunt

    me again. In fact, my very reason for being here...for writing's all found a way to repeat itself. What

    is going on here?

    There are three people of interest to me between the past year and the year before that...a

    big brother of sorts, a serious girlfriend, and another girl that played a major role yet didn't have the

    importance she should have due to one reason or another...ironically, the last person's importance is in that

    mixture of importance and lack of importance...or something like that.

    My 'big brother'/best friend was the

    closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from then on we grew apart despite the fact that we

    were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we did before. I guess life is funny like that


    My girlfriend was part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we made a connection, and

    we really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we were in

    at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same organization.

    Something happened, and we

    hooked up. She went home and talked to her friends, and from then on we were strictly friends and she completely

    avoided anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We were friends for a while, and I eventually grew

    tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just

    afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she had been cheated on before and didn't want to

    get hurt. I pushed and pushed. I even stopped talking to her for a while when she went out with this other guy

    when I thought she'd finally go out with me. Almost six months of best friendship, and I somehow convinced her she

    did actually like me and it was worth a shot.

    We went out for six months, but when graduation approached, she

    bolted. I was crushed, but I eventually got over it. Shortly after this, she developed an eating disorder, and I

    gave whatever support I could to help her get better...I swallowed every ounce of pain and anger to help my best


    During my horrible breakup, I met someone who was very much like myself and on the opposite side of

    the spectrum as my ex. She had some of the same personal problems I had (not including this recent breakup thing).

    She was there for me more than anyone could've asked for...and we were close occasionally (as in we hooked up), but

    I continually apologized for my inability to get emotionally attached because of my recent breakup and approaching

    graduation. She didn't trust or get emotionally attached to men, so it actually kind of worked out in some twisted

    way. On a side note, I wished I could've helped her trust people but ironically was just another one of those

    people who come and go in her life since I had to graduate and move on...

    My TV broke. My bed (futon) broke,

    but fortunately I was able to fix that. I had a slow start in my major, but eventually I came on strong and moved

    up to the top of the class...straight A's after the disasterous first semester in Finance. I was lonely for a

    period, but then activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...

    Fast forward to job...

    My start group partner/best friend was the closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from

    then on we grew apart despite the fact that we were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we

    did before. I guess life is funny like that sometimes.

    Two weeks after I started, a new person moves into the

    desk close to me. She has 75% resemblance to my friend who I left just months a haunting memory of

    things past...

    My good friend is part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we were new neighbors

    at work and really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we

    were in at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same office...same area even.


    happened, and there was a moment of awkwardness...even sexual tension. I went home and she talked to her friends,

    and from then on we were strictly friends, from a 'preemptive rejection', if you will, and she completely avoided

    anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We have been friends for a while, and I eventually grew

    tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just

    afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she has other issues I am not aware of at the

    moment. I stopped talking to her for a while when she tried to get me to go out with this other girl when I thought

    she liked me.

    My bed broke. My TV broke, but I can get that fixed. I'm having a slow start in my career, but

    eventually I hope that I'll figure out where I should really be and flourish. I was lonely for a period, but then

    activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...

    My whole life is repeating itself. I'm

    watching it before my very eyes. I don't know what to do. I'm looking at this girl, I know that this is the same

    situation I was before, but I don't know how to handle it differently. Should I handle it differently? Will I

    repeat the same mistakes I've made before? Am I a better man now or is this just another bump in the road of life?

    What will happen?

    I didn't kiss her when I had the chance this time. The same thing still happened. At least

    last time I saw a little action before the girl freaked out. As always, I'm going to tell the truth about the

    whole thing and lay it flat out for her. This time, I know the game. I've been there. I know exactly what

    happened...even with the parts I wasn't there to witness. I'm going to call her on it. Am I right? Can I trust

    myself that I know all that I know? What will happen? Will it even change anything? Am I going to really get to

    liking this girl like before? I've been holding back because I noticed the same pattern.

    All I know is that

    this is really freaking me out. I don't know how to change things. I almost feel helpless, but at the same time I

    feel like I have the chance to make different choices this time learn, to grow. What would you do with

    a second chance?

    I sit staring at the wall. I ponder my place in life. I think about the psychological

    significance of all of this information. This is too much for a mortal to process at once. What does it mean?

    I'm not sure, but I guess I'm about to find out in due time...

    You only live once...or do you?


  15. #75
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Karma? Blizzard,


    Either way, I know what you mean.
    If a guy's a cocksucker in his life, when he dies, he don't become a saint. - Morris Levy, Hitmen

    Holmes' Theme Song

  16. #76
    Man of La Pancha
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    Red face Memoirs of a Shaky Relationship

    Memoirs of a Shaky Relationship

    By Pancho Rivera

    I'm sitting at my desk at the end of the day

    staring at my e-mail and the words on display
    I don't know the way, don't know what to say
    I just keep thinking

    maybe she's just quiet today

    I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do
    I read the message three

    times and still don't have a clue
    Is she mad? Is she sad? Is it bad?
    I keep on hoping maybe she would tell me

    she's glad

    To hear from me about my plans for the weekend
    And that I'd like to do something with her as a

    I don't think she gets it...I don't think she'd let it
    Get to the point where we don't talk and then

    just forget it

    I think about how she's over it now I think and I frown
    Don't see a way out I'm truly in

    I wish I could think of a way to get me out of this pout

    I think of my ex...I wonder what's next
    I keep

    on thinking how long it's been since I've had sex
    I'm over it now...We've been through this now
    I push it to

    the back of my mind just for now

    And then I stop and I wonder just how this whole blunder
    Could shock through

    my heart, bolt of lightning and thunder
    I only had it for a second and I got the wrong signal
    But the words chant

    in my mind like on Christmas Eve vigil

    I've seen it dwindle...been back in the game
    Only to rekindle...what

    used to be an old flame
    Could you relight it...try to fight it...but despite it
    You try to move on, get through

    the day undecided

    Your head is cloudy, eyes are pouty, smile's lousy
    You can't go to sleep even though you

    are drowsy
    And then you get it, it comes to you in dreamland
    You won't regret it, your decision is at hand

    You make the final choice and you take a deep breath
    You hope your resolution will hold 'til your death

    your pride, don't try to hide what you will find
    Is that your will to do the right thing is lying deep inside

    I wake up, shake my head, think I'm dead
    'Til I look around and realize that another day's ahead
    I think to

    myself, "What a dream...could it be?"
    Is that the only thing that stands between you and me?

    I sigh 'til I

    die, never told her a lie
    But that's the kind of thing you have to learn how to try
    You don't wanna cry, you

    keep your face dry
    I only think that people like you when you don't ask them why

    I think to myself, "What

    happened to me?"
    When did I become full of sorrow...feel this eternally
    I get up to leave, I roll up my

    And then I get myself going...what a wicked web we weave


  17. #77
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    Default The Rationale


    Logic for Living...Logic for Living Well

    By Pancho Rivera


    excerpt from 25th Hour:

    *Looking in the Mirror*

    "Heh, $%#* you too. $%#* me? $%#* you.

    $%#* you and this whole city and everyone in it. $%#* the panhandlers grubbing for money and smiling at me behind my

    back. $%#* the squeegee men dirtying up the clean winshield of my car, Get a $%#*in job. $%#* the *$%#@* and the

    Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out of their pores, stinkin' up my day.

    Terrorists in $%#*ing training --SLOW THE $%#* DOWN! $%#* the Chelsea Boys with their waxed chests and pumped up

    biceps, going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jiggling their $%#*s on my Channel 35! $%#* the Korean

    Grocers with their pyramids of over-priced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic, ten years in the

    country still ‘no speaka English.’ $%#* the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafes, sipping tea

    in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and scheming, go back where you $%#*ing

    came from. $%#* the black Haddam in Hasidim strolling up and down 47th Street in their dirty gabardine with their

    dandruff, selling South African Apartite Diamonds. $%#* the Wall Street Brokers, self-stout masters of the universe.

    Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe $%#!#$%*@ figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those

    Enron $%#$%#s to jail for $%#*ing life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that $%#*? Give me a $%#*ing

    break. Tyco, Inclone, Adelphia, Worldcom. $%#* the Puerto Ricans, twenty to a car swelling up the welfare, world's

    worst $%#*in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dumb-inicans, cause they make the Puerto

    Ricans look good *wink*. $%#* the Benson Hearst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warmup suits, their

    St. Anthony medallions, swinging like Jason Giambi, Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for The

    Sopranos. $%#* the Upper East Side wives with their hand made scarves, and their fifty dollar Gucci artichokes.

    Over-fed faces, getting pulled and lifted and stretched all taut and shiny, You're not foolin' anybody,

    sweetheart! $%#* the Uptown Brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take 5 steps

    on every layup to the hoop, and then they wanna turn around and blame everything on the White man. Slavery ended One

    Hundred and Thirty Seven years ago, move the $%#* on! $%#* the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and

    their 41-shots, standing behind the Blue Wall of Silence, You betray our trust! $%#* the priests who put their

    hands down some innocent child's pants. $%#* the church that protects them while delivering us to evil, and while

    you're at it, $%#* J.C. He got off easy, a day on the cross, a weekend in Hell, and all the halleluias of the

    leigoned angels for eternity. Try seven years in $%#*in' Otisville, J. $%#* Osama bin Laden, Al Quaeda, and

    backward-$%#, cave dwelling fundamentalist $%#*%^&@ everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray

    you spend the rest of eternity with your 72 whores, roasting in a Jet-Fueled fire in hell. You towel-headed Camel

    Jockeys can kiss my royal Irish @$$! $%#* Jacob Elinski, whining, malcontent. $%#* Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my

    best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's @$$. $%#* Naturelle Rivera, I gave her my trust and she

    stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, $%#*in' bitch. $%#* my father, with his endless greed, standing

    behind that bar, sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen, and cheering the Bronx Bombers. $%#* this whole

    city and everyone in it. From the rowhouses in Astoria to the Penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the

    Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenaments in Alphabet City to the brownstones in park to the split-levels on

    Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage, let it burn to $%#*in ash, and let the waters rise

    and submerge this whole rat infested place.

    No.....No, $%#* you

    Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and you threw it away, you dumb $%#*!

    I look in the mirror.

    Look at that face. I haven't seen such mature youth...such pleasant sadness...such calm fury. I stand back...the

    scrawny body of a muscular physique...I'd be the sexiest man alive if I wasn't this ugly. At the same time, I

    don't know what people are missing because that guy I'm staring at is a hottie...he could be on the cover of a why is he looking in the mirror wondering what an ugly mug he has...

    My life is horrible. I hate

    my job, I hate my life, I hate who I am, how I think, what I do, where I'm from, what I don't have, what I take

    for granted, what I prevent myself from doing out of fear, how I hesitate from indecision, how nothing that comes

    out of my mouth makes sense and nothing I plan ever comes to fruition. I watch the man approaching behind me...he

    puts the gun to my head and pulls the trigger. I watch myself fall to the floor, knowing my life is over. What

    would happen then? Anything? Would anyone care? Would it even matter? Why does everything bad always happen to

    me? When is my big break? When am I going to get mine? Why am I always going to be stuck like this? What the

    hell is going on? Why can't I ever change anything and why can't anything ever work out for me? Why can't I

    find a girl? Why am I so alone? Why can't this just be over already? Who is doing this to me? Why can't the

    powers that be just give me what I want so I can be happy?

    My life is great. I have a good job, I make enough

    money to live comfortably, I like the people I work with, I like my friends and acquaintances, I am healthy, I have

    a body that pretty much requires no maintenance besides food, water, and sleep, and I never have to worry about

    where I'm going to sleep at night or how I'm going to live through until tomorrow. I eat well and have the luxury

    of time to ponder things like how the Steelers did or who might win the election come November. I don't have a

    girl right now, but I currently need to focus on other areas of my life right now and probably shouldn't have one,

    anyway. I'm feeling well and I know I am both physically and mentally capable of anything I set my mind to do. I

    am not sure what I want to do with my life, but most people don't. It's okay, I'll just find what makes me happy

    and continue on the path to self-realization. Bad things will hinder my progress along the way, but that's okay

    because I wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if they came too easily...I can do this, and nobody is going

    to tell me otherwise. Hell, I can't wait to get up tomorrow so I can get that much further towards my goals in

    life. The only one who has the power to shape my destiny is me. No one else is to blame for my situation in this

    world anymore. I'll be damned if I'm going to hold myself back...

    I ponder these two attitudes. One

    extremely negative, the other extremely positive. I look at these thought processes. Both could apply to my life

    at the same time. I could see things either way. Like my first thoughts, I could even think them at the same time,

    creating oxymorons and hyperbole. What has changed? Nothing. Everything is the same, and yet I could have these

    two (or three) extremely different viewpoints about my situation.

    Who's to blame for your problems? Who has

    the power to solve them? What will be your choice when it comes down to it? Choosing to do nothing is still a

    choice. Choosing to give up is still a choice.

    What do you see when you look in the mirror?


  18. #78
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    Default The Run

    The Run


    Pancho Rivera

    "They can because they think they can."


    I've been reading about the

    power of the mind. I'm a big psychology buff, and I know there's always room for improvement in the realm of

    mental health. Being a recovering advocate of the 'worst-case scenario' thought process, I've lived my life

    mostly on the basis of my own limitations. It's interesting to think about limitations, as the only limitations

    are the ones you place on yourself. I still have a hard time believing this, but I know that thinking you can't do

    something surely isn't going to get you actually doing it.

    It's a Saturday, and I'm reading Tony Robbins'

    book, Unlimited Power. It's a very interesting read on how to maximize your own effectiveness. It's

    pretty much all about learning that your potential is a result of your own limitations, and your success is as

    simple as modeling success (i.e. the successful). Sounds easy, right? As my pessimistic side kicks in, I'd say

    no...but then my logical side kicks in and laughs by saying that by saying, "No," I'm effectively proving his

    point. Wow, talk about an impossible either believe it's easy and do it, thus accomplishing what

    you want and proving his point, or don't believe it and do nothing, also proving his point.

    Okay, as a diligent

    student of the psychological field...I guess it would benefit to test this theory. I read the chapter on beliefs

    and get psyched up. Yes, I can do that! If I couldn't fail, I would do this! I would do that! I could do

    anything! What the hell is stopping me? I know...I am! The only reason I'm not doing it is because I don't

    think it can be done!

    I'm psyched up and ready to roll. Where's my test? Hmmm...I'm going to the gym.

    Perfect! I'm motivated, I'm psyched, and I am in perfect condition to get ready to run. In fact, one of the

    examples in the book was that by modeling success and having the proper beliefs, a marathon runner cut his time by 9

    minutes and qualified for the Boston Marathon for the first time ever.

    I drink a sports drink to ensure

    hydration, and I haven't eaten for a while...enough to run comfortably. I'm ready to roll. What's a good goal

    for this run? My average time getting to the gym is about 26 1/2 best to date was 24 1/2. My worst

    days showed anywhere from 30-32 minutes when I started this route (I think I got lost the first I guess

    that doesn't count). We'll say 30 minutes.

    I bet you I can make it in 23 minutes. Hell, today...I'm

    going to make it in 23 minutes. Failure was not an option at this point. I am so excited that I almost bolt

    out the door. Normally, my, "Are you insane? 23 minutes? Do you realize that this time would be over a minute and

    a half faster than your best time? Let's face're not about to win any marathons here. You're nuts.

    Maybe 24 minutes...but not 23," would kick in and I'd lose hope that this was possible.

    I perform my stretches

    to make sure I don't hurt myself despite the fact that I'm ready to fly out of here. Just when I think I'm done,

    I do a couple of more stretches to ensure that I'm perfect. I'm ready to roll.

    I turn on my music, have my

    hand on the timer...*Beep* The timer starts, and I start running.

    I think about how I'm going to achieve this.

    Good posture. Consistent breathing. Don't go too hard at first and wear yourself out. Keep your head up. Keep a

    smooth, steady stride. Don't waste too much movement.

    I get almost every light. I don't have to stop for

    traffic, and I'm rolling. I see people's walking patterns (I'm on a know how that is...people

    walking in the middle aimlessly without leaving you any room whatsoever...then my favorite where they move from side

    to side as they go's like a video game where you're trying to get around Thwomps and moving obstacles

    and fiery pits to save the princess within the allotted time) before and make my moves accordingly. I shake and

    move like Barry Sanders around the pedestrians and keep up the pace.

    I take on the hills. Inclines are a

    runner's nightmare when it comes to try to keep the same pace and end up burning out. I slow down to a

    comfortable pace that keeps my breathing steady. I can do this. I don't need to stop.

    Doubt almost crosses my

    mind for a second. Maybe 23 minutes was too bold of a goal...maybe 23:30 would be okay...I instantly cast this

    thought aside and go with my original plan.

    Then, I hit a light. I can run, or I can stop. I slow down and

    hesitate. I have to stop. This could ruin everything. No, I'm going to make it. In fact, use these seconds as

    time to recover so you can go harder when you get the walk sign! 10...15 seconds go by...I'd normally get worried,

    but I just relax my body and get ready to roll. Green light...I start on again.

    I come up on the end. I'm

    tired. It's the final stretch. I wonder what time it is? Hmmm...I guess I'll find out in a second. I turn it

    up at the end. I give myself just enough juice to hit the finish line. I'm tearing it up, flying down the road

    and feeling the last few seconds tick by...I pass my mark and stop the watch. I am not sure what to expect. I

    wasn't keeping a mental note or anything. This is the moment of truth. I look down...


    ...................not only did I make my time, but I beat it by 3.15 seconds! I still don't believe it. I

    crack this skeptical smile and laugh like it's a joke or something. In fact, as I try to catch my breath and

    recover, I don't even bend over or need a second. I stand up straight, take a few recovering breaths, and get my

    key card out for the gym. I walk in and do my workout, which was also strong, then run home at a leisurely pace.

    I ran 14 percent faster than average and 6 percent faster than my best just because I thought it was possible and

    put myself into the mindset (or 'resourceful state') to do so.

    Hmmm...what are my limitations? Maybe they're

    only the ones I place on myself...maybe it's time to learn the guitar, improve my Spanish, write a book, improve my

    voice/communication skills, learn to read people's body language and belief structures, take the GRE or GMAT, get a

    master's degree or doctorate, woo a female, work harder and be happier...

    What would you do if you knew you

    couldn't fail?


  19. #79
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    Default I Know What Happened

    I Know

    What Happened

    By Pancho Rivera

    I'm sitting at my desk, wondering what just happened. How did

    this happen? I was just supposed to sit at my desk and shut up...then all hell broke loose.

    I pushed it too

    far. I had to go there, didn't I? Mr. Psycho-Wannabe had to try to analyze everything to a point where he pushed

    someone back. What an intelligent idea.

    What goes on through my head? "Well, things are on the fence right

    now...kind of ambiguous...I'm a little impatient...let's just rock the boat and get this over with." Yeah, I

    guess I subconsciously push the envelope on purpose to get out of a blurry situation that puts everyone into

    "What's going on?" mode...

    Actually, that's not entirely accurate. She wanted to clear things the

    negative fashion. "It's never going to happen." Wow, that's a shitty thing to say, especially when I never

    asked. Maybe I should have just let it, I couldn't do that. Why?

    I know why. She liked me. I know

    this. I know when someone likes me. I seem to know even more acutely when someone likes me but has problems

    getting close to the people they like. Hell, that's my specialty. After all, I've been through that before. Six

    months of, "I like you as a friend and don't want to mess things up," turned suddenly into, "I realized that I do

    love you." No shit. I could've told you that six months ago. I'm psychic. I'm a genius. Whatever. Don't

    mess with what goes on under my umbrella...Pancho know's what's going on under his poncho, dammit. You can slip

    one past this guy. Now it happens again. I know she likes me, but this time she's afraid to get close because she

    doesn't like---no, that's not right---she just doesn't get attached to people...what a dumb way to think. Ugh.

    Why do I get involved with these kind of people? I know why...they're positive, happy, energetic, friendly, and

    lighthearted. You know what I've discovered at the same time? It's a cover for something dark deep down inside,

    and they use that positivity to cover their own weakness...they don't like to talk about it. I come along...the

    "relationship accelerator", the "drill", the deep guy who connects with people on an intimate level...and blow right

    through their blockade and hit straight to the heart. I get through. What happens? They go nuts. Alarms go

    off...They reach Defcon's on...WWIII...

    The defenses go up...I get completely bombarded or evaded with

    defensive maneuvers...and these people are the best. They can change the subject or shoot you down in 100 different

    ways without you even noticing...

    ...I usually keep coming. In the past, I persisted to get into the heart of

    someone for six months until I won. But did I really win? It didn't work out in the my own detriment.

    This time, I took a shot to myself. I gave her the reason to get pissed off, and she had just the opportunity to

    push me out. I don't have the strength I once had...or maybe I'm too proud or trying to do something different to

    make things better than before only to make them turn out the opposite. I don't know...but now I'm sitting at my

    desk wondering what just happened.


    I hit it off with this girl, and

    we talked all of the time. When things got awkward, she would push me back. I didn't let it get to me, I just

    kept doing what I do...and we got close.

    She admits to getting emotionally attached and that that's not what

    she does. I say it's dumb to push people away because you're afraid of getting close. She keeps her guard up,

    and then it comes. I was supposed to be quiet and pretend I was Mr. Laid Back and see what


    She asks me to talk to her friend, and I go ballistic. I tell her what a great

    idea that was because it got her friend telling her problems to me and me identifying and talking to her so I

    wouldn't push any more deep, thoughtful, emotional psychological questions onto her. After all, it'd be a great

    idea if she did it for that reason. She tells me it's not like that...I've heard that before...maybe I'm just

    always wrong...or maybe I'm always right and it gets to these people so they deny it. Either way, I'm gullible

    and could never stick to my guns...

    I tell her that she's just mad because I'm right. Well, that didn't


    She gets mad and tells me not to talk to any of her friends and to forget everything. Hmmm...I wonder

    where I went wrong? Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.

    I e-mail her a few days later.

    She responds with one word answers to my comments. I stop talking to her unless she asks me a work-related

    question...which were the only questions asked of me, anyway.

    It's like this for a week. I am unsure about the

    whole if she's I finally ask her.

    "Am I in the midst of a situation that needs

    reconciling?" How eloquent.

    "No." How eloquent.

    Well, I guess that solves that whole puzzle. They're

    going to hire me as a detective if I keep this record up.

    We decide to take a walk later to talk. This turns

    out to be an even worse idea.

    We usually take the stairs, but I forget as always and hit the elevator button. I

    apologize and go for the stairs, and she says no and goes for the elevator. I take the stairs down, and she takes

    the elevator. This is not good.

    I beat her down...leaping flights of steps in one bound as I take over a

    half-dozen floors in seconds. What an awkward situation when we reunite at the bottom. This pretty much sets the

    tone for the whole conversation.

    She says that there's nothing wrong and that I only mumble good morning when

    she comes in. I only didn't do that once because I thought she wasn't talking to me so I was just pretending I

    didn't care or whatever. Anyway, I said that she got short with me on e-mails, and she said she was busy. I said

    I stopped talking to her because she stopped saying anything on e-mails so I figured she didn't want to talk to me.

    Okay, so neither of us is mad and neither of us doesn't want to stop talking to the other, so what the hell is

    going on?

    She speaks again, "Well, it put a stop to the 'relationship accelerator'." Oh, so that's

    what this is about...

    Sure, she'd deny that, but I know that I gave her the ammunition to push me away. Now,

    I'm way too uncomfortable around her to even think of anything interesting to say. I don't want to talk to her

    anymore, and yet I miss my friend. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.

    I pull out a piece

    of paper with some information relevant to my last girlfriend. I've been witholding it for months because I

    couldn't take the thought of talking to her again. I type an e-mail like I was writing something for work...the

    same format and everything. Completely emotionless with regards to a year and a half of the most insane learning

    experience in the realm of relationships I've ever had. I am courteous and professional, do not ask a single

    question about her life nor reveal a single thing about my life. I send her the information in a mature,

    thoughtful, and professional manner. I don't think twice about any of its implications or anything about that

    relationship. Apparently, I've been burdened with new problems that bury the old...and I haven't even had another

    girlfriend since this person. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.


    Am I completely wrong? Is it what she says?

    Can I believe all of this?

    We're close, she keeps me at arm's length, I naturally push through due to my way

    of interacting, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached so she keeps me back, she gets mad but is now busy

    and can't talk as much and figures that I don't want to talk to her because I do not say good morning with such

    enthusiasm when I greet her...

    Am I completely right? Is it what I say? Can I believe it?

    We're close,

    she keeps me away, I push through, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached, she get mad and uses it as an

    excuse to keep me away. After all, better far and awkward than close and awkward...She likes me and is full of

    shit. Now, however, I just want to get away from this because I don't want to go through this again. Since I'm

    keeping myself back, this will die just like anything else you quit feeding.

    I just wanted a friend. I

    wouldn't have minded a girlfriend, but I always get mixed up with the wrong people. Now I have an awkward


    Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.


  20. #80
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    Default The Crush (Part I)

    The Crush

    (Part I)

    By Pancho Rivera

    I hate crushes. I've had a numerous amount of crushes in my life (I

    believe the record stands at 7...but maybe as many as 9). In fact, I seem to have so much experience in being

    attracted to girls I would never see the time of day with that I have categories for them, listed in chronological

    order as sort of an 'evolution' of the crush:*

    -The Secret Admirer
    -The Perfect Girl
    -The 'Hit It Off'


    *Please note that crushes do not always coincide with girlfriends. I have had girlfriends that were never

    crushes and, obviously, crushes that were never girlfriends. Therefore, girlfriends are not mentioned here unless

    they were crushes.

    The Secret Admirer

    This is a girl that you know you have no shot with and

    couldn't even approach. This is more for younger age groups when you hang out in different social circles, but it

    may very well apply to older people as well. This is the one that is also most like the "boyhood crush" where you

    act retarded around them. Basically, the secret admiree becomes the object of temporary obsession. You can't stop

    thinking about this person, you can't talk to them because you would die (as you get older this becomes more along

    the lines of just losing your ability to carry on a conversation), and you constantly think of ways in which you

    could get that person. It's a borderline obsession at times. You know you can't have them because there's

    something that will always keep you from becoming more than acquaintances (if you even reach that point).

    Nevertheless, your brain will not stop running scenarios and thoughts about the person, and you cannot get that

    person out of your mind. The person is perfect and can do no wrong in your eyes. Everything they do is like magic.

    This can drive a person to the brink of insanity. This goes on for weeks or even a few months.

    How does it end?

    Well, from my experience, distance is the best cure. If you never see them, the crush will die. Naturally, the fact

    that you see the person frequently is why you have the crush in the first place. Seriously, how many times have you

    heard of someone having a crush for more than a few days on someone they've only seen once and may never see again?

    I'm sure it's happened, but we're pushing the envelope on crush and looking more towards obsession/insanity if we

    go down that road.

    The three main ways I've overcome a "secret admirer" crush:

    1. Get them to not like you

    (or get it through your head as such)
    2. Distance/Time
    3. Get rejected/dumped or publically humiliated by them

    One of my personal experiences on ending a crush was not a very healthy or kind one. I carefully studied why I

    felt the way I did, and logic determined that hope was the source of my passion. Therefore, to kill my hope would be

    to kill the crush. This has been my savior and also one of the things I'm least proud of. Why did I have hope? How

    did this come to be? Well, as long as I never really knew the person, they didn't really have a negative opinion of

    me and therefore I always had hope of somehow getting that person to like me. As this was impossible due to the

    above restraints, I knew I had only one way to kill this hope: get the person to not like me.

    I'll never forget

    the time when I sent this somewhat mean letter to the girl I liked (after a few made-up secret admirer notes that a

    friend made to play a trick on her and she thought it was me), and when I gave it to someone to deliver to her,

    everyone in the class that hated her wrote nasty things on the paper. To top it off, one of them drew hearts on it

    to make it look like a love letter. Wow, that cured things real fast. She freaked out, and I heard about what

    happened with the mean comments later. Well, on a positive note...knowing she didn't like me killed the crush.

    Actually, I think I almost got in trouble for that but the teacher liked me (don't ask what I mean by that because

    I'm not sure...I still to this day don't know what was with that man...)

    Again, I am reminded of another time

    when I had another crush and sat a seat behind and to the left of this one girl. I made sarcastic comments all of

    the time to her, which got a, "That's not very nice," response from her once. It's funny because the sarcastic

    comments weren't really that mean, and I think she even thought I was a decent guy (I was a smart, nice guy but

    just tried that to get rid of my crush)...I can't remember whether it was that or distance that cured that one...I

    think time and eventually distance fixed that one. I don't have the heart to be mean...notice that even the first

    example wasn't my doing (all I wrote was that she was full of herself if she thought I liked her...but that

    wasn't the only thing written on the paper) and this one wasn't even mean...just three or four wise cracks.

    The one crush I remember distance/time being the deciding moment was with a girl I liked at my second job. She was

    everything I hated in a person, and yet I had the worst crush on her. How is this possible? Well, she was stuck up

    and into herself. There's nothing I hate more...but she was also sooooo nice to me. She also thanked me when I did

    nice things for her. Whether it be real appreciation and kindness or fake comments to use me...I think it was both.

    She was nice to me, but she knew she could get me to do whatever she wanted if she asked nicely. Man, she hypnotized

    me. Yes, I could say more than two words to her, but I was never going to have her (she had a bf, I was younger than

    her, you name it). I still to this day don't understand why I liked her in the first place because she represented

    what I hated in a woman. She was beautiful and nice to me, though, and I guess that's all it took. I couldn't shut

    up about her, I couldn't wait to work with her...hell, I'd even work extra days just to see if I could work with

    her...and always volunteered when they needed someone to work when she was going to be there.

    The worst

    part of this was that my best female friend had a crush on me at the same time. Oh, I would go on and on about this

    girl and have my friend kindly put up with it forever because she liked me. I hate myself for doing that to

    her...but I was seriously under a spell for those few months. If I ever speak to my friend again (we lost contact

    after a while), I would apologize for putting her through hell and thank her for being such a good friend.


    beauty of this sad story is the ending. My crush ended up leaving, and I'll never forget the goodbye. We were

    sitting in my boss's office, she gave me a, "Goodbye, Pancho," and after the little pleasantries that was that. As

    soon as she walked out that door and I knew I'd never see her again, I snapped out of it instantly. Two seconds

    later, I was crush-free. I still have no idea how an uncontrollable crush ended so easily.

    The final type is

    represented by the worst rejection I think I've ever received. At my cousin's recommendation (I was in 6th grade,

    my cousin was in high school), I wrote her a note saying I liked her and left it in her desk at lunch when everyone

    left. When I came back, the room was full of people talking about the note. Everyone wanted in on this event.

    Everyone was circled around the girl and the note. As I walk in, people turn and approach me, encircling me and

    bombarding me with all kinds of questions. As the shy, introverted kid I was in school, I'd never seen anything

    like it. I didn't know what to say or do. I looked down and blushed...but I looked down most of my childhood out of

    shyness and low self-esteem, so I guess that's not saying much. Anyway, everyone kept asking me if I was going to

    ask her out and if she was going to say yes and what was going to happen. There was a couple of minutes before the

    next class, so the tension increased. Everyone told me to ask her, and they slowly guided me to where she was

    sitting. I paced back and forth a little, mustering the strength it'd take for someone like me to ask this girl

    out. I take a deep breath, they open a spot for me, I put my hands on the desk and look down at her and ask, "Will

    you go out with me?" All eyes turn toward her. She says, "Yes."

    I am not sure what to do at this moment. I

    can't really talk to this person, I'm shy, and it's time to go to the next class. I can't remember the next

    exact moment, but I believe it resulted in large commotion and half the people going for their books and the other

    half congratulating me or something. I got my stuff for the next class, my head was spinning, I was light-headed,

    and I walked to the door. As this was going on, she was talking to two of her close friends. As I walked to the

    exit, she approached me and said, "You're dumped." That, of course, sent my head into more spinning and

    light-headedness, which either counter-acted or added on to the previous symptoms. I remember it being a horrible

    moment but somehow this strange thing that came over me prevented me from having an external emotional response. I

    remember feeling completely rejected, but I was too out of it to let it hit too hard. I felt bad for a while after

    that, but I got over it and the crush was gone as soon as the rejection was made. In fact, shortly afterwards (days

    maybe) I had no idea what I even saw in her in the first place.

    I had one or two other "Secret Admirer"

    crushes in my time, but there's not much to mention there. My first crush, in which the girl actually liked me a

    little, had nothing come of it because I was ~8 years old at the time, we only saw each other at school, and peer

    pressure (embarrassment, etc.) prevented anything substantial.

    In summary, the secret admirer crush can be the

    most brutal and yet the most fickle. Distance seems to be the key, but it is impossible to avoid if you are

    frequently stuck in the same location for any period of time. Age is the greatest weapon against the "Secret

    Admirer", and I wonder if I will have any more in the future as it's been about 5 years since I've had this



  21. #81
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
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    Default The Bar

    The Bar


    Pancho Rivera

    I walk into the room. People's heads turn. I can feel dozens of eyes on me. I have never

    felt this kind of sexual attention from so many people at once. I suddenly feel very exposed as they look me up and

    down, checking me out. I'm wearing a form-fitting shirt that's tucked in and a pair of jeans that fit well enough

    to get a good luck at my butt if that's your thing. Apparently with this crowd, it is. The only way I'd get this

    much attention in any other venue is if I jumped on the bar and pulled my pants down.

    I look around, though, and

    all of these people have one thing in common: they're men. I'm in a gay bar.

    I'm getting ahead of myself.

    Let me start from the beginning...

    My co-worker's last day is today. They're having a happy hour for him

    after work. I'm working late, but I manage to leave around 7:30 to get to this thing while people are still there.

    I was thinking about going home, but after almost getting hit by a car that decided it wasn't going to stop at the

    crosswalk I decided I needed a drink. Everyone's having a good time at the happy hour, and after a drink or two to

    get my mind off of work, I'm joining in on the fun. We have some good laughs and take a lot of funny photos of the

    women getting cute with him. The most fascinating thing about homosexuality is that women have no problem with a

    gay man doing whatever they want, whether it's kissing them, touching them, or saying, "I love you." Why is this?

    There is no chance of there being any sexual reason for the man doing it. It doesn't seem fair at first, but then

    reality hits.

    A few of us went to get some food and talked about going out to another bar after the late dinner.

    They talked about going to a certain bar...

    "Oh, where's that?" I asked.
    "It's a few blocks northeast of

    here. Did you want to come with us? There's one thing..."
    "What's that?"
    "It's a gay bar."
    "Yeah, that's

    "Have you ever been to one?"
    "No, but I hear things from my gay friends."

    I agree to go out, and we

    finish our meals. Interested in this strange turn of events from a quiet night at home, I decide to capitalize on

    this great opportunity to learn and expand my knowledge in the field of psychology. I know that social norms can be

    completely twisted when the situation changes, so I am actually looking forward to this event. I joke about whether

    anyone would buy me a drink.

    "Well, it wouldn't hurt if you flexed your muscles. Maybe you should roll up your

    "Like this?" I roll up my right sleeve and flex my bicep.
    "Yeah, that might work."

    I put my sleeve

    back down and keep pondering the possible situations.

    "I don't want to ruin your flow, man," I say to my

    friend. "How do I make sure I don't cock-block you?"
    "Oh, I don't think I'll be picking anyone up

    "Hey, you never know. I'll try to stay out of your way if I see anything."

    We go to the bar and

    check our coats upstairs. This is first experience in a gay bar. I wonder what's going to happen


    As I walk into the room, I find out. I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Unlike women, men have no

    reservations about making it obvious that they're checking you out...especially in the bar environment where

    you're expected to do such things. I'm not sure if this is a place where many people know or at least recognize

    each other well or not, so maybe I'm just 'fresh meat' or a new face in the place. At any rate, I am being

    checked out.

    "Wow, I've never been checked out like this before. This is weird."

    We get our drinks, and I

    find the need to have a game plan in this atmosphere. I go down the list of situations:

    "If you see someone you

    don't like who's interested or someone becomes interested in me, can you pose as my boyfriend or vice-versa?"

    that happens, yes."

    "How do I know when to pretend to be your boyfriend instead of backing off?"

    they're fucking ugly!" I guess that makes sense.

    "If someone offers to buy me a drink and I accept, does that

    make me a tease?"
    "Think about it if a girl accepted a drink from you who had no interest in you."
    "Yeah, that'd

    make me a tease."
    "Who cares? Be a tease!"

    "So how do I let a guy know I'm straight? Is there like a signal

    or something?"
    "It's best just to be upfront about it. If he offers you a drink, just tell him so you're not

    leading him on."
    "I guess there's no easy way to get that message across. I mean, maybe I could just clear my

    throat and go, '*ahem* Did you see the football game last night? Man, I was eating a 12-oz. steak, working with

    power tools, and wearing a plaid jacket when we won that game!' I mean, it just seems kind of rude to say,

    'Sorry, but I'm straight.'"

    "You know, this is the first room full of men I've ever been in without someone

    complaining, 'This is a sausage fest! Where are the girls?'"
    "That's because they don't want them!"


    are the girls? I mean, I know that this is a gay bar and everything, but don't lesbians come, too?"
    "No, they

    have their own bars. Gays and lesbians don't get along. They have different cultures." Hey, I learned something

    new today.

    I watch the crowd as I take in the cultural and social differences. Interactions are fascinating

    when they're out of the norm. After a few minutes, we decide to go upstairs to the dance floor where the music


    As much as I am not looking forward to going from a smoke-free area to the smoking area, I am very

    interested in what's going to happen in the next hour. I am not disappointed in the shock value, that's for


    We go upstairs and walk to the drinking/sitting area on the side. Shirtless bartenders take our drink

    orders. I must say, they hire well-built, aesthetically pleasing men to take their shirts off and serve their

    homosexual customer base. I wonder if I could get good tips if I worked here. Hey, the employer would probably

    like me because it knows I wouldn't hook up with the customers.

    We talk for a little bit, and I know the time

    is going to come when my friends are going to start dancing. As a straight man with a few gay men and one female, I

    figure my odds are pretty bad of actually dancing with the female. How did I come to this, you might ask? Well, I

    don't know her as well as the others do, and as I described before, women who are friends with gay men are happy to

    be very comfortable with them, whereas the sexual tension with a straight man would be cause for alarm even in a

    completely safe environment where no one else would dare hit on her. The moment does come, and she leads my

    soon-to-be ex-coworker to the dance floor. I can feel my comfort level slowly fading as I don't want to be

    standing here alone like an idiot and there are no females in my direct vicinity to dance with.

    As I look

    around, though, I come to one interesting conclusion: gay men have hot female friends. "Fag hags", as my friends

    affectionately called the female groupies, were in attendance, and many were pretty fine. There was this pole on a

    platform that people were standing and dancing on, and a girl or two would be up there with five or six guys

    grinding with them. I'm gauging how difficult it would be to hit on someone in this environment.

    In fact,

    hundreds of calculations are running through my head. Would a girl be more likely to randomly start getting up in

    my face if I was up there (after all, she'd think I was gay)? What would happen if I hit on her and gave away my

    heterosexuality? What if I waited until after getting some body-on-body action to admit that I'm straight? Well,

    I'd definitely experience the change from a woman being completely comfortable with a person to being completely on

    the defensive since I suddenly brought the reality of potential sexual desire into the equation. I'd probably get

    smacked, too...even though it doesn't make much sense when with one guy you're perfectly comfortable getting

    freaky with on the dance floor and another you were up until the time you found out he could possible have the

    desire to have sex with you. I would understand the "grinding under false pretenses" argument, though...


    all said, I still don't have the nerve to do it, though. Imagine, I have absolutely no competition here, and I

    still couldn't do it. I would face the possibility that girls are here for a reason and want to dance and not get

    hit on by guys, but I also have the knowledge that most of these girls do want to meet guys but just somehow go out

    with their gay friends instead. It's not a risk I'm willing to take during my first gay bar experience... I'm pondering all of this, I suddenly realize that I am very alone. My other two friends went to dance,

    and now I'm standing here by myself. Hmmm...this is strange. I keep looking around and taking the experience in,

    thankful that two friends do come back shortly after. I ask my one friend if he's feelin' anyone right now. He

    points to a guy on the dance floor he says is cute. Unfortunately, he catches the guy making out with someone 10

    minutes later. Oh, well. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

    He points to another guy and says, "I've slept with

    that guy."
    I asked, "How was it?"

    The guy he pointed to took off his shirt along with a couple of

    other guys dancing on the platform/pole area. This is some wild stuff.

    I have to say that the most interesting

    thing is that because I had bad eyesight, there were some guys that looked very much like women there. I squint

    really hard while looking at this one guy and say, "That's a guy?" I need my glasses, apparently...but I'm

    sure even then it'd be hard to tell sometimes.

    As if this wasn't all interesting enough, it's about to get

    even more incredible.

    This one person who I didn't know but came with one of my friends begins to talk to me.

    He's a good guy, but he seems like something in his life is bothering him as he's being critical. I enjoy the

    sarcastic humor and witty banter, though. He asks me why I came (after all, I'm straight).

    I said, "Well, they

    asked me if I wanted to come, so I thought it'd be fun."
    "Are you glad you came?"
    "Yeah, actually. I find this

    all fascinating. I'm learning a lot."
    "I'm not glad I came."
    "Why's that?"
    "I don't like this whole


    He explains why he doesn't like it and asks if I get it.

    "Yeah, I get it. It's like me. I'm an

    introvert, but I don't want to be around introverts because I think, 'They're boring.' Then I think, 'Does

    that make me boring?' It's very confusing, but it messes with your insecurities."

    He looked like he couldn't

    believe I gave a response that rang true to what he was thinking. Well, I'm the master of perception tonight, and

    that conversation was no exception.

    He asks me if I liked to dance. I told him I wanted to dance but didn't

    want to go out there by myself and look like an idiot.

    He said, "Yeah, but would you dance with a boy?"

    don't care." He says something and kind of shrugs it off, giving me a way out. Instead, I take the road less

    "No, seriously. I want to dance."

    I guess he figured that's all he needed to hear after giving me

    a way to get out of it while he saved face, so he grabbed my hand and took me to the dance floor.

    I have never

    been so comfortable dancing in front of other people my whole life. I wasn't trying to impress any straight girls,

    and I wasn't going to be made fun of by any straight guys. The word self-conscious meant absolutely nothing to me

    at that moment because there was nobody who cared---myself included.

    We danced to a couple of songs and then

    walked back to the group when we saw that they were back. They seemed a little surprised that I was dancing, but I

    just smiled because I felt very empowered knowing that I was secure enough with both my sexuality and myself to do

    whatever the hell I wanted without feeling awkward or insecure about doing something that most people would find

    strange for someone of my sexual orientation to be doing.

    After my stunning rendition of "Baby Got Back" (no,

    not karaoke, I just know all of the words and showed up everyone who tried to recite as much as they could along

    with me), the female and my one friend went back out on the dance floor while the other left...leaving me to sit

    down with the guy I was dancing with.

    I'm not sure how the topic turned to this, but eventually I heard the

    following things: "You're hot, you know you're hot, and I'm actually drunk enough to tell you that."

    As you

    could imagine, that took me by surprise. It's been a long time since anyone has told me I was hot to my face.

    Again, the transitions are fuzzy, but somehow I ended up telling him a story where one of my gay friends got a

    straight friend off while he was drunk because he said he was horny.

    The straight friend said, "If you shut your

    eyes, it's all the same."

    Apparently, my new friend loved this story. I love telling it because it's so

    funny. Anyway, he says, "He's right! It's all the same! You should try it sometime!"

    Well, here's where my

    line is drawn in the sand, but I am still not even fazed by the comment and am happy to explain why I am not capable

    of doing such a thing.

    "You see, it's like purple ketchup. I know it tastes the same as regular ketchup, but I

    just can't eat it. Ketchup isn't purple, it's red! I can't have it any other way!"
    "Yeah, but you should try

    it, anyway."

    I tell him the story of how many of my gay friends have tried to turn me over the years. I even

    say that I almost wished I was gay because I get so many more men than I do women. After all, I made a pact with my

    friend earlier that night that we were going to switch sexual orientations because he attracted all of the women and

    I attracted all of the men. If we switched, we'd be unstoppable! That said, I could never do it. I can

    confidently say I'd never want to do it because unlike a homophobe, I have no insecurities to hide. I looked at

    that option and realized that I just don't like men and could never like them in that way ever.

    Obviously, that

    response didn't go over well with my new friend, so he took what he could get and got me back on the dance floor

    again. After a second, I finally remembered an argument that would win.

    "If it's all the same when you shut

    your eyes, then how come you don't want women?"

    My reply came in the form of two middle fingers shoved

    less than a foot away from my which I responded, "Oh, come liked that as much as you hated it."

    After another dance and a second where I watched my friend talk to someone he had apparently hooked up with (it's

    a small world in this club, isn't it?), we go back where our friends are back from dancing. The ex-coworker was

    talking to an ex of his (again with the exes!). I'm standing there, and all of the sudden I look over and see

    these pair of eyes staring at me intently. I quickly turn my head back and lean to my friend.

    "Is that guy back

    there looking at me?"
    "*Looks* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. Definitely. He's watching you."
    "Oh, shit," I grab my

    cock-blocking buddy and put my arm around him. "You're my boyfriend."

    He's out of it and probably doesn't

    even know what's going on since he wasn't in on what just happened, but I say, "That dude is checking me out. You

    have to save me!"
    My friend, obviously drunk, replies, "I think you'll be okay," and then lets me go.


    He's hanging me out to dry. I try not to make any sudden moves and hope the guy loses interest. Fortunately,

    nothing came of it.

    As the night winds down, we go upstairs to get our coats. There's a long line for the

    coat-check, and this situation gives me a joke with too many funny meanings for those in a drunken stupor to


    "They should put up a big sign and call this, 'The Pick-Up Line'. You can try to pick up your

    coat, you can try to pick up a guy, and it's what you'd try to use in the line to get that guy to go home with



  22. #82
    Bodhi Satva CptKipling's Avatar
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    May 2002
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    Nice to see you back Mr Rivera

    Information about pheromones: Pheromone Information Library

  23. #83
    Man of La Pancha
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    Default The Crush (Part 2)

    The Crush

    (Part 2)

    By Pancho Rivera

    -The Secret Admirer
    -The Perfect Girl
    -The 'Hit It Off' Girl

    The Perfect Girl

    I have to admit that this is the hardest crush to describe. Unlike the Secret Admirer

    crush and the Hit It Off crush, the Perfect Girl crush is more subtle. I've only had one major instance of this

    type, and any others I may have had probably didn't have the time to develop like this one did.

    The Perfect

    Girl describes someone who truly captures everything a person could want in someone. It's interesting how your

    brain and your heart interact in this situation. Your logic calculates what you know of this person and realizes

    that this person has every trait you could find desirable. However, your heart is kind in the fact that you don't

    necessarily become infatuated faster than you can pick your jaw up off of the floor. I think the best way to

    describe this crush is to differentiate it from the others. The Perfect Girl crush is less intense than the Secret

    Admirer crush and not conversationally-based as the Hit It Off crush.

    You know someone at a place you frequent

    such as school, work, or extracurricular activities. Because you're around them a lot, you get a good feel for who

    they are as a person and decide that they would be the perfect girl. The strange thing is that you may not be

    compatible, but you could tell that the person has all of the traits you'd like in someone. You may be able to

    become friends with that person, or you may never really have a chance to meet her or get to know her personally.

    Either way, whenever you see her, you think, "I would really love to have someone like that as my wife." It gets

    interesting because you don't fall head over heels right away. Even though they are attractive and wonderful, you

    seem to be able to remain calm around the person. You will, however, always feel something subtle because you know

    that you would like to have someone like that.

    Unfortunately, I don't have much to say in my personal

    experience with this crush. I met this girl somewhere between 7th and 9th grade. Notice how I don't remember

    everything because it took a while to become familiar with the person before I actually realized she had the traits

    I liked in someone. Anyway, once I thought about it for a while, I realized that she had everything I could ask for:

    she was intelligent, athletic, healthy, funny, happy, successful, sweet, ambitious, kind, and attractive. I thought,

    "Wow, I would love to do out with someone like that." I knew from that moment on that I would one day like to be

    with someone like that.

    Notice how strange this crush can be. Unlike the Secret Admirer crush where I became

    fixated on one person, I found my ideal type of person. She was the basis of what I'd like to find in someone, and

    something I could strive for. I wanted to become a better person to be able to get someone like that. To this day, I

    still have no idea why I didn't develop a major crush on her...but she was almost like a dream I would like to

    realize eventually.

    I talked to her every once in a while, but you know how different crowds in high school can

    keep you from developing friendships. The interesting thing about my high school was that there wasn't a "most

    popular" crowd in my school. There were different groups, but if we would have a popularity contest, I couldn't

    tell you who would have was that diverse (you'll see later why I mention this fact).

    I went through

    high school, trying to get through those brutal times (I didn't like high school). Whenever I saw her, though,

    something always warmed up inside because of how great of a person she was. I'll never forget, though, what

    happened my senior year.

    It's Homecoming, and I run out on to the football field with the team to practice.

    They're doing all of the Homecoming events while we're getting ready for the game. All of the sudden, they bring

    out an archway, and a bunch of women in dresses and their parents line up on the field. I didn't care about any of

    these festivities, so I forgot that just the other day we voted for Homecoming King and Queen. As I mentioned

    before, we had many different groups of equal popularity, so the competition was fierce. Their were about six or so

    people for each title, and they were all equally capable of winning. I'm not even sure if I remembered who was

    running, so I went along with my drills with the team. Anyway, you should've seen the surprise on my face when she

    was named Homecoming Queen. Boy, I can sure pick them, can't I? After four years, I guess everyone saw what I saw

    after a short time. Go figure.

    In summary, the Perfect Girl crush can be the most interesting and yet the

    least intense. The key to this crush is to learn all you can about why you like the person because it may help you

    in the future when you have an actual opportunity to meet someone like this again in the future and make it work for

    you. I have no secrets to getting rid of this one because there's no need to when it's controllable. You should

    learn a lot from this crush so maybe one day you will be prepared to get the perfect girl.

    Last edited by Pancho1188; 03-26-2005 at 11:45 PM.

  24. #84
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default The Crush (Part 3)

    The Crush

    (Part 3)

    By Pancho Rivera

    -The Secret Admirer
    -The Perfect Girl
    -The 'Hit It Off'


    The 'Hit It Off' Girl

    This is the most rational of the crushes, if you can call infatuation

    rational. Actually, the 'Hit It Off' crush is close to being in love or having a solid relationship...there's

    just one problem: for one reason or another, the transition just doesn't happen.

    You meet a girl at a social

    gathering. You begin talking, and you quickly realize that you two get along very well...almost too well.

    Everything's going great. You become great friends easily. In fact, you find yourself wanting to progess things

    as soon as possible. You feel the chemistry, and everything seems to be working out judging by your interactions.

    It just seems natural that you should be going out together. Why doesn't something happen? Well, at this point

    things can move in one of two directions: you end up going out with her or acquiring the 'Hit It Off' crush.

    Now, you're probably wondering, "Why isn't this just called 'falling in love'? After all, isn't that what

    falling in love is?" Obviously, the line between infatuation and in love not perfectly defined, so I will base the

    differences in definition on time, perceived willingness to commit, and expression/reciprocation (e.g. shorter,

    uncertain, and not communicated/reciprocated for infatuation and longer, certain of devotion, and

    communicated/reciprocated feelings for in love). In addition, I would say that in this instance you hit it off so

    well that you become infatuated and therefore unable to see any flaws. Being in love would mean that you see things

    for what they are and still love them for everything she is.

    I've had these circumstances go both ways. I've

    hit it off with girls and quickly gone from friends to relationships. This transition was sealed by hanging out

    leading to making out leading to making love. In my cases, this sealed a relationship since our shared views were

    that if things progressed to that point, it would be with someone with whom you had a relationship. The

    relationship thus ends any possibility of considering my feelings a 'crush'. On the other hand, sometimes things

    don't progress to that. There are many obstacles that can prevent this transition, including: a boyfriend, a bad

    romantic history, fear of the type of relationship (I'll explain that one later), a need to be/feel independent, a

    fear of getting too close to someone, or simply a fear of taking the steps toward that transition (aka "making a


    When this roadblock occurs, the 'Hit It Off' crush begins. The insanity that one may derive from this

    crush rivals the Secret Admirer crush, and the feelings you have for this person are a mix of the previous two types

    of crushes. Therefore, it causes a combination that can overwhelm you. The mix is very complicated, so I'll use

    excerpts from the previous sections to describe the combination.

    Aspects of the Perfect Girl crush:


    'Hit It Off' girl describes someone who has qualities that you would want in someone. It's interesting how your

    brain and your heart interact in this situation. Your logic calculates what you know of this person and realizes

    that you get along well with this person. However, your heart is kind in the fact that you don't necessarily

    become infatuated faster than you can pick your jaw up off of the floor.

    Aspects from the Secret Admirer


    Basically, the 'Hit It Off' girl becomes the object of temporary obsession. You can't stop thinking

    about this person and constantly think of ways in which you could get that person. It's a borderline obsession at

    times. You know you can't have them because there's something that is keeping you from becoming more than

    good/best friends. Nevertheless, your brain will not stop running scenarios and thoughts about the person, and you

    cannot get that person out of your mind. Everything they do is like magic. This can drive a person to the brink of

    insanity. This goes on for weeks or even a few months.

    How the 'Hit It Off' crush ties them together:


    see how many positive traits the person has...but since you are hitting it off, your chemistry emphasizes the

    positives, and your interaction can spot potential negatives. Therefore, she's no longer 'perfect' but 'perfect

    for you'. Once this sinks in (the longer you remain friends, the stronger it gets), you become more and more

    infatuated until it gains the strength of the Secret Admirer crush. Once this happens, you can either let your

    feelings go or let the friendship go (as in relationship or nothing at all). Those are your only two options, and

    it becomes a difficult decision when your feelings build.

    I have two examples of this type and a few

    instances of averting this type. Averting this type of crush is very easy: if the other person liked me back,

    showed interest, and was willing to follow my lead, I could just make it happen. Case closed. In fact, in all

    instances I can think of, I've been able to avert this type of crush in a day...yes, a day. In other words, I met

    the person, we hit it off, and I didn't waste any time. However, there were a couple of challenges, and those led

    me into the hell that is known as the 'Hit It Off' crush...

    I'll never forget the time I introduced myself to

    this girl. I've never met anyone with so much positivity and youthful charisma. I was drinking at the time,

    something I hadn't done very much at that point but decided to occasionally use to counter my introversion. At any

    rate, I was watching a game of beer pong, and this girl was making almost all of her shots at the time. I'm still

    not sure what I was thinking at the time, but I remember saying something stupid when she hit her shots...

    "Oh!!!!!! Did you see that?!?!? That was a perfect shot! Did you see the arc you had on that?"

    I walk over

    next to her and mimic her throwing motion, emphasizing how her form created the perfect trajectory.

    Looking back

    on that moment, I think that has to rank as one of the dumbest things I've ever said or done (beer, making people

    stupid since 1862!), but she loved it. I goofed off and cheered her on for a while, and then we went upstairs to my

    room to chat. She gave me her IM screen name that night. Just the day before, I stopped my IM program from

    automatically starting and removed all shortcuts to it (I couldn't remove the whole program, as it was a way to

    communicate with my fraternity brothers and sisters, but I was only going to use it when I had to) because I wasted

    too much time checking people's info and away messages. That night, I put it back on and added her screen


    ...and so we hit it off. We hung out a couple of times for the next week or so, but then comes the

    turning point: my birthday. It just happened to fall on a party night with some risque costumes, so I had my shirt

    unbuttoned with nothing under it, and she was rather lewd, lascivious, salacious, and outrageous herself. She told

    me how hot I looked. Oh, yeah. It's on.

    Cutting out the pretty details, I thought I consummated our

    relationship...apparently not. Thus, the 'hit it off' crush began. She practically pretended like nothing

    happened when we spoke again except for acting very nervous around me. I found out later that she had been cheated

    on and was afraid of getting hurt because she knew the relationship she'd have with me would be serious (remember

    "fear of type of relationship"?). I don't know how that issue resolved itself, but we were best friends for six

    months. It was heaven...and it was hell. I couldn't get her out of my head, and I was addicted to her like

    nicotine. Still, no matter what I did, I couldn't have her. It drove me insane. I came to the point where I had

    to let go of my feelings or let go of our friendship. I chose to let go of the friendship. That was a big gamble,

    but it worked. She realized she cared too much for me, and we became a couple. Thus endeth the 'Hit It Off'

    crush...although you could argue the transition to falling in love much earlier than that because we had gotten so

    close as best friends.

    The other example took me in the other direction. This was a girl who was enjoying total

    independence for the first time, and to make things worse, I worked with her. That is a recipe for disaster.


    started talking and hit it off quickly. She wanted to explore, and I wanted to go out and do things with someone.

    It worked great because at first I played tag-along and then suggested things myself. Then came the wall that just

    couldn't be scaled. I just couldn't get close enough when the person didn't want me getting any closer...not

    because she didn't like me but because she "doesn't get close to people". Yes, she actually tried to explain this

    concept to me. I tried to convince her to just let her guard down because I'm the most trustworthy person you'll

    ever meet, but I guess it doesn't work like that. We ended that strange conversation to end all strange

    conversations, and somehow we were cool on Monday, described best by her comment to me:

    "I thought after our

    conversation that things would get awkard. I'm glad to know that you're above that."

    Ironically, things began

    to get awkward a few weeks later. What happened? We had our first heated exchange. I use heated exchange because

    'argument' and 'conflict' wouldn't work (since we were obviously arguing and in conflict before, though it was

    friendly), and it was over e-mail so we kept enough composure to keep it from being a fight. It was only when I was

    mad and tried to stop talking to her that I realized how much I liked her.

    The less I talked to her, the worse

    it got. It started getting worse when I did talk to her...and then when I didn't talk to her. In other words, it

    was snowballing out of control. I had to see her every day, too, so that didn't help...but even on weekends it

    killed me because I couldn't get her out of my head.

    This time, however, I knew I couldn't win. There's just

    no way I could overcome the odds against me because you can't change a stubborn woman's least not

    with the short timeframe and limited opportunities I had. I had to let it feelings this time.

    It took

    forever, but finally we moved desks so that I wouldn't have to be in close contact with her for most of the day.

    That gave me just enough strength to get over it. It still hibernated within the depths of my heart and resurfaced

    with prolonged contact that resembled the 'hit it off' period, but it was good enough to survive until we went our

    separate ways.

    In summary, it is hardest to let go of the 'Hit It Off' crush. I have no advice for this

    one, as in the one case I fell in love (part of me will always still love her), and in the other I let my feelings

    go...but I know they're still there deep down inside. There are four universal remedies to lost loves: time,

    distance, acceptance, someone else, or getting them back. Of course, in the case of a crush, you can't get

    something you never had to begin with.


  25. #85
    Phero Enthusiast silksand's Avatar
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    Wow, I'm just catching this

    thread now and have to say I've really enjoyed your stories, Pancho. Very nice writing, so true, so well-told and

    so funny! Early on I was reminded of the Charlie Kaufman film "Adaptation" - the same kind of pointed portrait of

    the crazy way we over-think our most primal drives for love and acceptance... but your take is much gentler and more

    subtle, though just as funny. Bravo!

  26. #86
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Love is Blind...and so Am I

    Love is Blind...and so Am I

    By Pancho Rivera

    It's not hard to figure out where the saying,

    "You're so blind that you can't even see what's right in front of you," came from. We often use metaphors like

    this one to describe how people do not comprehend the fact that someone may or may not be interested in them,

    flirting with them, or trying to get their attention. It's not every day the meaning can be taken figuratively and

    literally at the same time. This, of coure, is where I come in.

    I'm looking into laser eye surgery. Instead

    of wearing glasses or contacts, I've chosen the worst option of walking around and squinting when necessary after

    two instances of getting hit in the face: one where I scratched my glasses and the other that almost blinded me from

    getting slapped in the face. I am finally financially and chronologically sound enough to undergo this precedure,

    so I schedule my eye exam. I get up in the morning and decide that I haven't been wearing enough SOE when I use it

    because I've heard that 6" is better than the 4" I normally use. Of course I find the perfect amount of -mones to

    use when I can't see a thing.

    I go to the doctor's office, get my eyes dilated, have the exam, and get back to

    the office. I only took 12 steps into the building before an attractive woman starts talking to me. I'm wearing

    sunglasses inside because my pupils are the size of dimes, and my sight is so messed up from the eyedrops that I

    can't see well with or without them. Needless to say, I had no idea that this attractive woman was talking to me

    as I walk inside the elevator. Seeing as we're the only two people in the elevator and she's looking at me when

    she speaks, I finally get the hint.

    I can't believe what is happening. In my whole life, I probably have more

    fingers than I have memories of attractive women starting a conversation with me. I'm wearing SOE that is

    apparently working, my most form-fitting outfit that accentuates my thin, muscular physique in all the right places,

    and sunglasses inside an elevator. This woman is talking to me, she's going to the same floor as me, and she's

    looking at me with what I perceived with my horrible vision to be one of the most sincere and playful smiles I've

    seen in a long time given in my direction. It's only when I'm completely discombobulated and in the most

    uncomfortable of circumstances that an attractive woman flirts with me. I have two words for Fate, and they're

    not, "How ironic..."

    As I walk up to the elevator, she starts talking about how much noise her shoes are making.

    She makes a comment or two that I don't remember because I didn't know she was talking to me before we went

    inside the elevator. As we got in together, I see her talking directly to me with the tone of voice like she just

    made a couple of jokes about them to me in a friendly, almost flirty way. When she looks at me with a big smile on

    her face, I suddenly become very aware that I'm still wearing my sunglasses, and although I know I'm still wearing

    them because my eyes are dilated, anyone else would just think me a fool trying to be cool. Between the look on my

    face from feeling uncomfortable because of my lack of regular eyesight, dilation, and wearing sunglasses in an

    elevator, I couldn't help but think she must think I'm crazy. It reminded me of the small part of Scooby-Doo

    I watched the other day where the nerdy girl tries to be attractive and the guy asks if she needs to use the

    restroom. I'm sure I was pretty close to that.

    Somehow, though, she keeps going with a big smile on her face

    and being friendly with me. I'm trying to get my act together so I can pay attention to what she's saying despite

    the fact that I'm still trying to focus on getting used to my hindered sight. She looks at the bottom of her heel

    and notices that the rubber or whatever that was at the bottom wasn't there anymore, so the heels were making

    noise. Without saying a word, I manage to keep my eyes on her (even though I couldn't see well) enough to give the

    impression I was with her on what she was talking about even though I'm completely out of my element. I snap out

    of my daze and get myself together, but all I can come up with is what I would naturally say as almost instinct in

    response to what she said: "Well, I guess you'll have to walk on carpeting for the rest of the day."

    Okay, so

    that's pretty good for the situation I was in, but it's pretty sad that it took me a good 30 seconds for what

    should've taken 3. She apparently likes my joke, as she laughs and keeps talking about it as we walk out of the

    elevator. I start going in the other direction as she keeps talking. Now, I could have gone the other way and

    walked with her to get where I was going, but I went the other way.

    That's all I said, by the way. That one

    sentence. I don't forget things, either, and I barely remember much of that incident. I'm not sure it's

    forgetting as much as it is not being able to capture it in the first place because I couldn't see.

    I walk to

    my cube and sit down. The rest of the day was similar, as I had abnormally attractive women walking past me all

    day. I don't know where they came from, but I don't remember them being there before. You may insert your joke

    about me not being able to see so they appeared more attractive here, by the way...

    Of course, I make the best

    of every encounter by---what else?---keeping a strained look on my face because I'm trying to keep my eyes

    protected from their extreme dilation. I haven't seen so many attractive women give me looks looks like this all

    in one day, and yet I can't see well enough to appreciate it or keep an attractive look on my face to capitalize on


    I don't fully comprehend everything until I get on the elevator to go home with two attractive women I've

    never seen on my floor before. Both of them look at me, and one of them looks at me three times...all with a hint

    of trying to size me up. When this happens, I walk outside realizing everything I missed that day. I smack my

    forehead and think to myself, "Oh, man...I can't believe that."

    They say that love is must be true

    because the women are really feeling me when I am. It figures.


  27. #87
    Phero Enthusiast silksand's Avatar
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    I wonder if your dilated eyes

    had some subliminal effect on the women ... you know how our pupils dilate when we see something desirable? Maybe

    you were looking very aroused in your discombobulated state...

    How interesting that without perfect

    vision, you didn't hear very well ... are you visual-dominant?

  28. #88
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    " I'm looking into laser eye

    surgery. Instead of wearing glasses or contacts,"

    No matter what happened that day, you are lucky. I too was

    looking into laser eye surgery. During the exam, they discovered they couldn't do it because I have cataracts (like

    I keep telling people, geting old isn't for wimps!). The good news is that right now they are still controllable

    with glasses, but when time for surgery comes, it'll be like getting Laser Surgery, except it'll be covered by

    Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
    --Lazarus Long

  29. #89
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Introverts and the People who (Don't) Love Them

    Introverts and the People who (Don't) Love Them
    By Pancho Rivera

    (Readers: Please note the dual storyline - a story and commentary. If not, the writing will seem to jump

    off topic too frequently. The font colors are different, but in the event that you cannot see the different colors,

    dividers have been provided.)

    I'm exhausted. I spent all day with a large group of people

    and then entered into a large social gathering and didn't even have
    the energy to carry on a


    I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the



    I'm an introvert. Introversion is very misunderstood

    concept, as many mistake it for shyness or social anxiety disorder. Both are inaccurate descriptions. It's about

    time that I define it for the misinformed, as I am tired of people telling me that my behavior is somehow wrong or


    There are two types of people: Introverts and Extroverts. Although they differ greatly in many

    respects, there is one fundamental difference in the way the body charges its psychological/emotional battery. You

    either charge your battery by being alone and taking time to think or mentally rest (Introvert) or become energized

    through large gatherings and feed off of the life of a crowd (Extrovert). What does this mean? Well, it means that

    an extrovert can only spend so much time by himself before he goes crazy, while an introvert can only spend so much

    time in a large group or crowd before he goes crazy.

    Another example is how one becomes stimulated. Introverts

    are stimulated internally through thoughts, feelings, and ideas, so too much external activity/chaose will

    overstimulate them and create the need for time alone. Extroverts can only receive stimulation externally, so they

    must attend social functions and large gatherings in order to gain a satisfactory amount of stimulation.


    extreme extrovert is a person who is on the phone 24/7 because they can never spend a quiet moment by themselves,

    and an extreme introvert is someone you will never see at a party because they cannot take the chaotic, crowded

    environment. If you have ever seen a wallflower at a party who just wants to go home, you have seen an introvert

    (or someone being introverted) who does not have the energy to be social at that party. If you see someone at a

    bus/subway station or airport not able to sit for more than 5 seconds before they have to talk to a stranger or call

    500 people, you have seen an extrovert (or someone being extroverted).

    Once you understand this concept, you can

    understand the following situation...

    I'm walking into a

    restaurant where almost 40 of my colleagues are getting drinks and making small talk. As I look through the window

    and see the socializing, I feel the culmination of my dread. Why would I be dreading this moment? Well, I just

    spent all day in a [corporate] classroom with these people, and I have a sinking feeling that I'm not going to be

    able to do this.


    Why wouldn't I be able to do this? I am asking

    several questions...but I already know the answers. The questions are the result of over two decades of

    brainwashing that going out and socializing with a bunch of people is the greatest thing in the world and what every

    person should love to do. From that perspective, this is a great opportunity to meet new people, make small talk,

    network with colleagues, and maybe even learn a thing or two about something or someone. That would be true if that

    sort of thing excited me...if somehow holding a dozen or so conversations over the course of the night with twenty

    different people would get my spirit up and energize me...but id doesn't. Instead, it sucks the life out of me.

    Don't get me wrong...I can handle large social gatherings if the need arises. With proper preparation (and,

    for my sake, a buffer in the form of a friend that I can lean on to get me started), I can mingle and carry a

    conversation as long as it needs to go. It is just an exhausting task. If I do not conserve energy as best as

    possible, I will be miserable and speechless in a shorter time than it takes to decide to tear apart an envelope

    that says "Important Information Enclosed" (Nothing sent via mail that was actually important has ever had that on

    the front).


    I look back at the week so far. Two complete days

    engaged in a large discussion with a group of 50 people. A swarm of conversations ensue between presentations. I

    know I used to do this for school a lot, but even in high school it was mostly lectures you could space out during

    and college was only 3-4 classes per day. I have been around a lot of people for a long period of time, and all I

    can think about is how I just want to go home. Now, as I walk to the door, I know this is just not going to happen.

    I enter the restaurant to accept my fate. As I walk in, I pull classic introvert moves. I move to where I can do

    something other than talk: the food and drink tables (Note: The bathroom is usually the sanctuary for introverts

    trying to escape a crowd). I swear I ate like there was no tomorrow, and I kept my mouth chewing at all times. I

    realized that I was just going to be here to say I was here and get out as soon as


    For the first time in my life, I did not even try to pretend

    that I was anything other than an introvert who had no energy for a social gathering. I made no attempt to engage

    other people or do anything. I came, I ate, I departed [well, I at least hoped to leave ASAP]. Then, of course, as

    I stick a large piece of food in my mouth and try to make my way over to the beverages, I am intercepted and brought

    into a conversation. Dammit...

    Then, I thought: wait a second.

    This is the perfect time for a social experiment on introversion. I just made a huge connection today. My

    interactions have been less than fulfilling all day, and I wonder if this has something to do with it.


    I have been in a slump recently. Just as most people's lives ebb and flow, my social

    life/ability/interactions fluctuate greatly, containing trends of weeks to months in duration and quick jumps within

    a day (conversations in the morning could be fantastic, another two later in the day could be horrid, and the tone

    of my interactions will return and maintain that relatively great level).

    In the mid to late summer, things were going great. I had a crew from work to have lunch with and go

    out with after work if the mood struck us, and I found myself being a key part of this group. I had the witty

    comments, the Seinfeld references, the interesting facts and stories all flowing perfectly. I haven't been

    part of a solid group like this for almost a year now, and the time before that was the end of my college career. I

    thought maybe the tide had turned in my favor, and I was looking to keep it that way.

    Things change,

    however, and I had found myself losing my important role in the group. I felt like I was quickly becoming an

    outcast, whether is was because I missed a few gatherings or because I was running out of material.

    "Running out

    of material" is funny how change can make you think that maybe you're just putting on a facade and it suddenly

    went away. I don't believe that for a second, but you know things are starting to get bad when every other thing

    that comes out of your mouth is either not understood by anyone or practically ignored when the subject is changed

    immediately. It comes to the point where you think you are either boring or having nothing interesting to say to


    I don't claim to understand it, but I go from conversational guru to socially disfunctional from one

    time period to the next. Go figure.

    I look back at my

    day. For the past 36 hours, I have felt either ignored or socially ineffective. It has been a part of a recent

    stretch of relatively frequent social debacles, and both cases have involved high people engagement. Things like

    body language, attitude, appearance, and pheromones could all be factors in this, but I have just realized that

    there might be more. When I am socially exhausted, people become completely turned off by conversations with me. I

    can do anything, but my efforts would be as futile as trying to stop making Rocky movies or bad reality TV shows.

    Here is my chance to test it.

    After chewing the enormous bite I

    took, I make my attempt at solving this riddle that has puzzled me for my whole life. I make sure that my body

    language and conversation content is practically identical to any other time or situation. I take my best shot at

    salvaging this potential disaster. This conversation lasts a couple of minutes before it dissolves. Fortunately,

    they put some new food on the table for me to go sample. When I return, I get one more shot at this. A person I

    have not met before walks by, and I introduce myself and my colleague. After a few minutes, my colleague goes away,

    and I am left alone to battle the inevitable boredom and tedious conversation that would typically arise in my

    state. I pay attention to body language, and I can see that this guy is looking for an out. Granted, he decided to

    leave the event, but I think I can just tell that this was not one of my best


    I leave the party feeling miserable. I hit the gym and

    start running. For the first few minutes, I listen to the music while cursing in my head and venting overall

    aggrevation. Then, I realize, that this was all caused by my energy being drained. I realize the irony of

    understanding that my energy was drained and running helped recharge it (charging one battery while draining

    another, I guess), but it all makes sense now. When my battery is dead, people do not respond to me at all, and I

    begin to feel miserable. Just as pheromones cause people to act differently, my body's psychological energy level

    can affect how people react to me and even how I feel. What a fascinating



    am introverted. I interact with the world on a much different level that 75% of the United States. For the first

    time in my life, I do not represent the majority. While the single, white, male, 20's demographic (alias John Q.

    Public, alias Joe Schmoe, alias will fit the basic profile of most serial killers when he reaches an older age

    group) was my previous locale, I now fit in a minority of people that have a difficult time assimilating to the

    culture because I am different.

    They say the hardest part of life is finding out who you are. What about

    the part where you have to accept the difference between who you are and who you have to be to fit in? I've spent

    my whole life making excuses, and when I first told the truth, people think I am shy/reserved/quiet or I have an

    anxiety disorder.

    I would continue this pondering, but I have another class soon and have to recover so as

    to be prepared for my next social marathon. It could be worse...I could require partying hard, taking drugs, and

    seeking cheap thrills to get the external stimulation I would need as an extrovert.

    I think that for once in my

    life I'm content being alone with nothing to do but relax. Apparently, I need it to retain my sanity.


  30. #90


    Excellent stuff Pancho I

    learned something from that!
    I am an introvert too and proud of it. I think there are a lot of

    intoverted-type of people on this forum looking to improve their lives and who need the 'edge' that mones



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