1. ÂJesse Jackson, Jim Baker
and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
Ânew book. It\'s called \"Ministers Do More Than Lay People.\"
Â2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your
boss....The Pope only expects Âyou
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it
is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if Âyou\'re in the
Âbathroom.
6. ÂI hate
sex in the movies. ÂTried it once. ÂThe seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled
Âthe mood.
7. ÂIt used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there\'s shipping and
handling, too.
8. ÂA husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just
cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. A blonde said, \"I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me Âoff.
ÂI was relieved when he told me
all I needed was turn signal fluid.\"
11. I\'m depressed. ÂMy doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra.
ÂHe said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by
a stray rabid dog. ÂI went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies could be
cured, he didn\'t have to worry about a Will. ÂHe said, Â\"Will? ÂWhat Will?
ÂI\'m making a
list of the people I want to bite!\"
13. Definition of a teenager? ÂGod\'s punishment for enjoying sex.
14.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point Âthe
wrong way.
15. I signed up for an
exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
Âclothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn\'t
have signed up in
the Âfirst place!
16. When I was young we used to go \"skinny dipping,\" now I just
\"chunky
dunk.\"
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the
kitchen is eating them.
19. Don\'t argue with an idiot; --people listening may not be able to tell who
is
which.
20. Wouldn\'t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press \'Ctrl Alt
Delete\' and start Âall over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then realize you haven\'t Âfallen
asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. ----At least I think that\'s what she
said.
23. Just
remember...if the world didn\'t suck, we\'d all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can\'t read a
Bible in school, but they can in
prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with
something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
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