reading others

[apple]

ok i am SO bad at reading

how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no

prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to

waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know

how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i care about that i want to read better to help them and

me!

anyone know any sites that really help people learn to read others\' deeper emotions? maybe even to find

out how much one person cares about another? not just little surface emotions? or books? something to help me pick

things up!

[pico]

Apple,
try reading

their body language. People are often very good at hiding their true feelings in their faces, e.g. they may try and

appear interested when they\'re actually bored... but most people don;t think twice about adjusting their body

language too.

Look at their general posture...are they looking down more than usual...not making much eye contact

etc....

[EXIT63]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are

feeling. I can easily pick up if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean

if theyre sad and trying to act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone

is sad, i wanna know if its a little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ...

honestly this is about people i care about that i want to read better to help them and me!


<hr

/></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Ask them.

[Elana]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font

class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up

if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to

act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a

little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i

care about that i want to read better to help them and me!


<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Ask

them.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

I was just going to write that.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]
Ask them what is going on. Don\'t try to play Jr. detective

with someone\'s feelings.

[EXIT63]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I was just going to write that.
Ask them what is

going on. Don\'t try to play Jr. detective with someone\'s feelings.



<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

Great minds think alike. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[Elana]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font

class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I was just going to write that.
Ask them what is going on. Don\'t try to

play Jr. detective with someone\'s feelings.



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Great minds

think alike. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

but you scare me [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[OCP]

</font><blockquote><font

class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up

if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to

act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a

little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i

care about that i want to read better to help them and me!

anyone know any sites that really help people learn to

read others\' deeper emotions? maybe even to find out how much one person cares about another? not just little

surface emotions? or books? something to help me pick things up!

<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

Body language can give you a cue, but it is up to you to go find out what is going on if you

really care. It is called communication, open and honest. You will find that you may have to be the first to open

yourself up, but if you do people usually respond to that. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[EXIT63]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you scare me


<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

Is that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be able to resist him\" scared.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Or a \"this guys a complete psycho\" scared?

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Elana]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font

class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you scare me


<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Is

that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be able to resist him\" scared.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Or a \"this guys a complete psycho\" scared?

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

both

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[EXIT63]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font

class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you

scare me


<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Is that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be

able to resist him\" scared. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Or a \"this guys a complete

psycho\" scared? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

both [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">

Now I\'m scared. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img]

[DrSmellThis]

A goog thing is to

say, \"You look (insert emotion)\" or , \"Are you feeling (insert emotion)?\" OR to summarize someone\'s

statement back to them with emotional references, as in, \"Sounds like you (insert summary and emotion)\". Then

you see how they respond, correct your impressions based on that, and repeat until mutually satisfied with the

communication. Counselors do this sort of thing in their training.

I liked the body lanuage comments,

BTW.

Although it\'s a skill that can be learned, emotional sensitivity is typically a sign of maturity, or

of having needed such skills for survival at some point in early life.

[apple]

thing is i ask, and I

get \"im ok\" or \"Im fine\" &gt;.&lt; and its OBVIOUS nothing is ok OR fine! ill ask if theres anything they

need from me, or if i can do anything to help and I get the \"nothing\" comments or \"no im fine\". drives me up

the WALL! or when im opening up, sometimes i get them to open up, and then later they tell me what they said was a

joke. I opened myself and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its suddenly a joke grrr

i dont know how to tell whats serious or not or what the real feelings are, so confusing

[Elana]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I get them to open up, and then later they tell me

what they said was a joke. I opened myself and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its

suddenly a joke

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

That\'s not very nice.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[DrSmellThis]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
thing is i ask, and I get \"im ok\" or \"Im

fine\" &gt;.&lt; and its OBVIOUS nothing is ok OR fine! ill ask if theres anything they need from me, or if i can

do anything to help and I get the \"nothing\" comments or \"no im fine\". drives me up the WALL! or when im

opening up, sometimes i get them to open up, and then later they tell me what they said was a joke. I opened myself

and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its suddenly a joke grrr i dont know how to

tell whats serious or not or what the real feelings are, so confusing

<hr /></blockquote><font

class=\"post\">
I\'ll offer a couple observations:

A. You\'re asking close-ended questions in

this example, as opposed to the recommendations in my last post. Open ended is the way to go, or penetrating

observations that the person can respond to, as I suggested. Sometimes, when women ask me things like that (is there

anything you need me to do?\", \"Are you OK?\" etc.) I feel it\'s a bit distancing, or as if they really think

whatever I\'m feeling is my problem, or that they don\'t really care enough to wade through the muck. It\'s

like, \"let me know if one of your limbs falls off or there\'s a dire emergency\". \"Anything I can do to

help?\" in these situations, symbolically puts the person in a helpless position; suggests a person needs help or

isn\'t helping themselves; or isn\'t as empowering; in addition to expressing a lack of interest in

understanding the person (unless it comes after such understanding). So of course, a person responds with

short answers that \"nothing is the matter\", or \"I don\'t need help\" (= \"no I\'m not a helpless

pussy\"). You have to demonstrate genuine interest in understanding the person and their feelings, as well as

readiness to deal with whatever then might emerge.

B. Aren\'t you really talking about you and your

boyfriend? If so this complicates things a little, as the general need/power/space dynamics of the relationship

determine much of it.

[apple]

hes one of the people i

want to read better for sure, but not the only one

i just dont know what questions to ask! i ask stuff like that

caue i cant read what exactly is wrong and so i ask to try and figure it out

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] im not trying to make them feel bad, im trying to show im there to

help if they need it, that im there for them

[DrSmellThis]

(See edits here

and above)

You have good intentions, obviously. But we need to go out on a limb sometimes and read the person

the best we can (based on body language, what just happened, etc.). You need not be afraid to guess wrong about what

they\'re feeling, as this will at least be interpreted as genuine interest. I recommend studying my examples if

you want, and mentally inserting specific things you might say in specific situations.