To My Dear Friend Alcohol

[Gossamer_2701]

Dear

Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I\'m a huge fan of
yours. My friend, you always seem to

be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you\'re even around in the

holidays hidden inside chocolates
as you warm us when we\'re stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.



However, lately I\'ve been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best

interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your

review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that

any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
make me call those

ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for
a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let
alone all

hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a kabob

with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
Nesquik

& topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I\'m an eclectic eater,

but I
think you went too far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you\'re subtly trying to tell me that I


need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.

It\'s
completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day

is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.



4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can
often clarify the last point below, but the

following
costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in
public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,

ties, boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,
or bras. Also, what is with you making

me take pictures with
people I clearly don\'t like when I\'m sober? Yet they
suddenly become my best friends

when a flash is presented?


5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do

not. Please do not request that I
go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The
phrase

\"Let\'s F***\" is illegal from now on. While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the

brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially
in public. Please stop

me from talking to the guy/girl with
the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they

so appealing to me while I\'m with you & why
are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have


worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little

penance for our previous
evening\'s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover
immobility is completely

unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread

products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the

hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matt!

er)
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to ensure that we

remain on good terms. You\'ve
been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the

needed companion when I just don\'t know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue

this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look

for
an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can

continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you, from your biggest fan.


___________________________________________

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative



2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE

DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE

DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE
DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don\'t want to have sex.

2. Nope, no

more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you\'re not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn\'t it lovely

out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn\'t. No one wants to hear me sing

\"It\'s not the sin to fall but the sin to

stay down.\"

[CptKipling]

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