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  1. #1
    Administrator Bruce's Avatar
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    Default Excerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    visit-red-300x50PNG
    Jim Kohl sent me these. Maybe it\'s just late or something, but I laughed until I cried at nearly every one.

    Check it out.
    B
    ----------------

    Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

    1.

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His

    thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3.

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar

    eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools

    about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew

    on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep,

    throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
    just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad

    as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his

    marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
    because of his wife\'s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a

    surcharge
    at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the

    way a
    bowling ball wouldn\'t.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty

    bag
    filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had

    an
    eerie, surreal quality, like when you\'re on vacation in another city and
    Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.

    instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The

    hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
    fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated

    by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
    the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,

    one having
    left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
    at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of

    35mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
    that resembled Nancy

    Kerrigan\'s teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never

    met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
    East River.

    18. Even in

    his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
    only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted

    shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law

    Phil. But unlike Phil,
    this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you

    get from not
    eating for a while.

    22. \"Oh, Jason, take me!\"; she panted, her breasts heaving like

    a
    college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

    23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,

    either,
    but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
    mine or something.

    24.

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire

    hydrant.

    25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
    power tools.

    26.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing

    up.

    27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

    28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had

    forgotten to put in
    any pH cleanser.

    29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing

    legs.

    30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
    to the wall.

  2. #2
    Banned User EXIT63's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    I\'m in tears!!!

  3. #3
    Phero Dude Gossamer_2701's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
    What a great

    way to start my day... ROFLMAO

  4. #4
    Phero Pharaoh
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />


    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    I\'m in tears!!!

    <hr /></blockquote><font

    class=\"post\">

    So am I. It reads just like my master\'s thesis. &lt;g&gt;

  5. #5
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    Classic!


    Holmes

  6. #6
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    I laughed so hard it hurts. Not like jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

  7. #7
    WorldEater Icarus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    Hate to be a killjoy, but these are fake...

    I know... I know... I\'m an

    A-hole...

    &lt;sob&gt;

    Steve

    P.S. They are pretty funny though...

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

  8. #8
    Phero Enthusiast Sacogoo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    Icarus writes:
    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    P.S. They are pretty

    funny though...

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    Ehh.

  9. #9
    WorldEater Icarus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    Jaded and Cynical?

    Try an Enima!

    (got milk?)

    Steve

  10. #10
    Banned User jvkohl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    I laughed so hard it hurts. Not like

    jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    Hey

    Pancho, was that an analogy or a metaphor; I get them confused. And, Icarus, who cares whether or not they\'re

    fake? Obviously, they sound real enough to some of us--even those who have not jumped on a bicycle with the seat

    missing. Bet Pancho won\'t do that again, but maybe he didn\'t in the first place, which would make it as

    difficult to do again as doing it in the first place. No, not doing it in the first place would make it impossible

    to do again. Sorry about that; like I said, I get confused.


  11. #11
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    \"Sorry about that; like I said, I get confused.\"

    Been hittin that moonshine again eh?

  12. #12
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    </font><blockquote><font

    class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    I laughed so hard it hurts. Not like jumping on a bicycle with the seat

    missing, but it hurts.

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    Hey Pancho, was that an analogy or a

    metaphor; I get them confused. And, Icarus, who cares whether or not they\'re fake? Obviously, they sound real

    enough to some of us--even those who have not jumped on a bicycle with the seat missing. Bet Pancho won\'t do that

    again, but maybe he didn\'t in the first place, which would make it as difficult to do again as doing it in the

    first place. No, not doing it in the first place would make it impossible to do again. Sorry about that; like I

    said, I get confused.



    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    It\'d actually be a simile... An

    easier way to tell is if I wrote it like this: \"It hurts like jumping on a bicycle with the seat

    missing...\"

    Oh, and I\'ve never done it. Watch the Naked Gun series to hear that quote. Leslie

    Neilsen is hilarious! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

  13. #13
    WorldEater Icarus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    who cares whether or not they\'re

    fake?

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    Like I said in my post. I\'m an A-hole.

    A-holes care.

    Pedantic A-holes are the worst, though.

    Be glad that you\'ve never met one.

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    Steve

  14. #14
    Banned User jvkohl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    It\'d actually be a simile... An

    easier way to tell is if I wrote it like this: \"It hurts like jumping on a bicycle with the seat

    missing...\"

    Oh, and I\'ve never done it. Watch the Naked Gun series to hear that quote. Leslie

    Neilsen is hilarious!

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    I\'m concerned that you advocate watching

    porno films on a humor related forum. Due you think that nudity (i.e., a Naked Gun) is something to laugh about? Or

    what? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

    A simile? Is that analogous to a smile, or perhaps it

    speaks metaphorically about the aspects of a smile. Who decided to put an extra eye in the spelling?

  15. #15
    Phero Guru Sagacious1420's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    I\'m concerned that you advocate

    watching porno films on a humor related forum. Due you think that nudity (i.e., a Naked Gun) is something to laugh

    about? Or what? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">Could

    stem from looking at the centrfolds in Guns and Ammo as a young child.

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr

    />
    A simile? Is that analogous to a smile, or perhaps it speaks metaphorically about the aspects of a smile. Who

    decided to put an extra eye in the spelling?

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">Eye did it using my

    3rd I. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

  16. #16
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    Aye.


    Holmes

  17. #17
    Man of La Pancha
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    Default Re: Exerpts from High School Essays (must read)

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />

    I\'m concerned that you advocate

    watching porno films on a humor related forum. Due you think that nudity (i.e., a Naked Gun) is something to laugh

    about? Or what? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

    <hr /></blockquote><font

    class=\"post\">

    You\'re thinking of the Water Gun...Wait, That Ain\'t No Water...



    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />

    A simile? Is that analogous to a smile, or

    perhaps it speaks metaphorically about the aspects of a smile. Who decided to put an extra eye in the spelling?



    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    A simile is when you smile like you\'re pulling out the stiff

    one-I...

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