Please critique my essay. :-)

[krtel]

Hi all,

I

just finished writing my essay for Texas A&M University. I need to send it in before the 15th. If you could

please provide feedback about this essay and any suggestions you may have, I would be grateful. Also, I\'m having

a bit of trouble deciding on a title for this essay, so any ideas would be really appreciated. Thanks!
:-)




Prompt:
What additional personal information do you wish to be considered in our decision? for example:
1.

exceptional hardship, temporary failure or personal experience that has shaped your abilities or academic

credentials
2. personal responsibilities
3. exceptional achievements or special talents such as poetry, artwork,

bilingual proficiency etc.
4. educational goals and choice of major
5. ways you have associated with the

University

Here is my essay:

About four years ago, I started high school with uncertainty of my future

endeavors. While growing up in a poverty-stricken family, school was the least of my worries. A lack of positive

role models in my community only made my situation worse. Therefore, whenever it came to schoolwork, I would only

aim high enough to achieve a passing grade. I didn’t realize the detrimental effects of my actions. Then,

as I entered my senior year, everything changed.

My detrimental “pass and get by” attitude

diminished shortly after I was accepted into the Shell Youth Training Academy. While the courses taught mainly

focused on career development, a strong emphasis was always placed on higher education. The instructors and several

other volunteers from various Shell companies advocated the significant difference a college-degree makes in the

workforce. The motivation I received not only introduced me to the idea of attending college, but also led to a

major change in my work ethic. Thus, my senior-year grades were among the best in my high school career.

Things

started to look even better for my once obscure future when the Shell Youth Training Academy assigned me to an

internship at Shell Information Technology International. I thought the only purpose of this internship was to give

me exposure to Corporate America. However, I received a lot more than I expected. I established several mentors from

my team and upper-level management who coached and supported me on my academic pursuits. In addition, I had the

opportunity to explore the broad range of careers that Shell offers. As my exploration continued, my choice of

career shifted from undecided to an attorney.

It is because of the efforts of the Shell Youth Training Academy,

Shell volunteers, and my mentors at Shell Information Technology International that I now have a clear perception of

my future, a plan on how to make my dreams become reality, and the drive to never give up. As days go by, I cannot

help but to wonder where I would be today if it were not for the coaching that I received.

[Ash]

Krtel.

All and all a very nice essay. You\'re one of my favorites on the Forum and I think your future will be

very bright. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Ash

[Sexyredhead]

Looks good. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Good luck!

[Elana]

Krtel...it\'s so honest and very well written. I think you did a great job showing your transformation. Good

Luck!

[krtel]

Thanks

all! :-)

Krish

[CptKipling]

Good

luck Krish!

[DrSmellThis]

Well

written overall! My suggested improvements are in bold; deletions in parentheses. Grammatically, you have a tendency

to use \'split infinitives\'. I hope this helps.

About four years ago, I started high school with uncertainty

ABOUT my future endeavors. While growing up in a poverty-stricken family, school was the least of my worries. A lack

of positive role models in my community only made my situation worse. Therefore, whenever it came to schoolwork, I

would AIM ONLY high enough to achieve a passing grade. I didn\'t realize the detrimental effects of my actions.

Then, as I entered my senior year, everything changed.

My detrimental \"PASS AND GET BY\" attitude diminished

shortly after I was accepted into the Shell Youth Training Academy. While the courses taught AT THE ACADEMY FOCUSED

MAINLY on career development, a strong emphasis was PLACED ALWAYS on higher education. The instructors and several

other volunteers from various Shell companies advocated the significant difference a college-degree makes in the

workforce. The motivation I received not only introduced me to the idea of attending college, but also led to a

major change in my work ethic. AS A RESULT, my senior-year grades were among the best in my high school career.



Things started to look even better for my once obscure future when the Shell Youth Training Academy assigned me

to an internship at Shell Information Technology International. I thought the only purpose of this internship was to

give me exposure to Corporate America. However, I received a lot more than I expected. I established several mentors

from my team and upper-level management who coached and supported me on my academic pursuits. In addition, I had the

opportunity to explore the broad range of careers that Shell offers. As my exploration continued, my choice of WHICH

CAREER TO PURSUE shifted from \"UNDECIDED\" to THAT OF LAW.

(It is) because of the efforts of the Shell Youth

Training Academy, Shell volunteers, and my mentors at Shell Information Technology International, (that)I now have a

clear perception of my future, a plan on how to make my dreams become reality, and the drive to never give up. As

days go by, I cannot help but (to) wonder where I would be today if it were not for the coaching that I received.

[krtel]

Whoa,

thanks Doc! Those few spots could have killed my credibility. I owe ya one.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

Krish

[tallmacky]

I am

glad to see that you are so driven krtel especially because not everything has been simply handed to you, took more

work than most people I bet, and you probably already know, sincerely the best of luck, you worked for and earned

it. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[DrSmellThis]

You\'re welcome!

\"To boldly go where no man has gone before!\" -- The most famous example of a split

infinitive, spoken by Capt Kirk (related to you, perhaps? Maybe split-infinitive disease is genetic) just before

pissing on his girlfriend\'s toilet seat in drunken reverie... Bill Shatner\'s rendition of \'Lucy in the

Sky\' was only slightly more annoying. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Let me know if you

need a note of recommendation. I\'ve been known to get people accepted.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

[krtel]

Yay! I got an acceptance

letter from Texas A&M this morning!

My academic credentials met their expectations, but I think they really

liked my essay. Thanks to all of you that helped in the process!

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Krish

[Holmes]

Krtel,

Congratulations! That\'s terrific news.

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr

/>
but I think they really liked my essay.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Not surprising. It was

great.


Wishing you the best,

Holmes