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  1. #1
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Advice saying NO!

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    Greetings ladies;
    I need some advice on saying no under particular circumstances.
    I have a \"friend\" that I spend a lot of time doing \"guy things\" for. You know heavy lifting, building things etc. This has been especially true after she was in a car accident and tweeked her back. I usually have my \"stuff\" together and can take care of myself without a lot of help. The other day, I asked her to do something for me (trim the goat & \'stash) and she told me to go to the person who cuts my hair; basically \"f off\". As I thought about I realized that she doesn\'t really ever volunteer to do things for me. I realize that relationships are give and take, but at the moment I feel that I give and she takes. (She is one high maintenance broad with options--60 years old with 25 year olds trying to bag her, not exactly a barker.)
    One of the things that I do is to feed her horse and let the dogs out to dump when she has to work late. I am expecting that she is going to call either today or tomorrow and ask me to do this (might be a voice mail on my cell left while I\'m at the gym). I am planning on turning her down. BUT, I\'m contemplating the best way to firmly say no, but without seeming to come across as vindictive, angry (though at the moment I am a little pissed)or hurt. Should I point out that I asked HER to do some thing for me, and now she is asking tor a favor after turning me down? Should I ask her what she is going to do for me in return? Perhaps you ladies have some suggestions??

    TIA

  2. #2
    Pheromaniac Sexyredhead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    Tell her you have other plans and won\'t have time.You don\'t have to tell her what. You could be planning to sit and appreciate yourself, but hey--those are your plans. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

    You could also just come out and tell her you feel like you\'re the one always giving in this friendship and you feel a bit used, so no, you won\'t be doing her any favors today. Short, sweet, to the point.

    Not defending her, but she may see trimming your facial hair as a really personal thing to do, which is different from a lot of \'guy\' stuff--which is mainly lifting/fixing, etc and you don\'t have to be really close.
    OTOH, she may be really lousy at it, have a shaky hand, etc, and just didn\'t want to ruin your face. She might have even thought it was a come-on from you for some odd reason.

  3. #3
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"Not defending her, but she may see trimming your facial hair as a really personal thing to do, which is different from a lot of \'guy\' stuff...\"

    A couple of weeks ago the \'goat was fairly long and she did trim it--did a good job too. This time it was for a \"touch up\". And yes, I do \"come on\" to on a fairly regular basis.

  4. #4
    Pheromaniac Sexyredhead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    Hmmmm, maybe you ticked her off about something then? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img] Maybe she was mad about something else. Who knows? Why don\'t you just ask her why she wouldn\'t since she\'d done it before?

    Does she like it when you hit on her?

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    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"Does she like it when you hit on her?\"

    It\'s a long story--we\'ve known each other for about 12 1/2 years. For 10 of them, she was married. So I have 10 years of \"Friends zone\" to over come plus when her husband left her it was for a fat ugly younger next door woman. My friend is convinced that men go through a \"change of life\" (we do, it\'s called \"andropause\") where we get weird and dump women. She won\'t allow that different personalities handle this \"change\" differently and that her Ex was an a-hole in a number of ways. She is worried that if she connects, I would dump her and hurt her like the ex did. When I verbally \"hit on her\" she has no problem, but says it wouldn\'t work. We hug OK, and when we I kiss her on the lips, she keeps her mouth mostly closed. If I slip her some tongue, she pulls back and \"playfully\" (the way she acts) tells me to \"quit that\". All in all a moody and frustrating woman--the only problem is we \"fit together\" soo well that complete strangers comment on \"what a great couple\" we are or ask how long we\'ve been married. Her children, older grand children and ex sister-in-law all think we should be together. There is some sort of \"chemistry\" going on here, but she refuses to acknowledge it. If I stay away from her, after a while she gets upset(lonely, not angry or psyco) from my not being around.

  6. #6
    Pheromaniac Sexyredhead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    She\'s scared and not wanting to deal with what\'s going on, it sounds like. She\'s not being fair to you or herself in the meantime.
    My two cents: I think when she backs off it\'s because she\'s scared of getting close, or doesn\'t want to. You\'re probably either gonna have to keep letting it go as is, or tell her you can\'t keep this just friends thing up anymore and separate yourself from her for a while.

  7. #7
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"She\'s scared and not wanting to deal with what\'s going on, it sounds like.\"

    I agree. Sometimes after a couple of drinks or even with no alcohol when we are out having a really good time, she \"forgets\". She gets cuddly, holds hands or arm around the waist. Then I can feel the suddon bolt of remembering and the mental \"Oh my G-d, what am I doing\" and the sudden withdrawel.

    Two weeks ago, she had had a couple of drinks (Not blasted) and was all \"when are we going to go out to some concerts?\" (we have gone to all sorts of concerts and plays over the past couple of years) I suggested that we go out for dinner the next night, and she was all for it. The next day she wasn\'t really up to picking out some concerts we would go to and dinner was off.

    It\'s like I keep telling her \"she keeps my life interesting\". [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

    By the way, THANKS SRH, it gives me some perspective. It\'s odd none of the other fine ladies have any comment or insite.

  8. #8
    Pheromaniac Sexyredhead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    You\'re welcome. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

    The other ladies aren\'t here atm, I don\'t think. They\'re probably getting some actual work done, and will pop in later when they have time.

    She needs to get over her hot/cold behavior. It really isn\'t fair to you, and she needs to decide what\'s going on. ATM you\'re her stand-by (it seems to me--no offense) but she still wants to keep you at a distance. You\'re meeting all her needs, and she\'s not doing a thing for you! Too bad her hubby was such an a$$. How long ago did she get divorced?

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    Hey Mtnjim

    I wasn\'t ignoring you. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] SRH has been doing a pretty good job of advising you, and since I agree with her and she\'s coming across so clearly, I figured I\'d just sit this one out. Your friend probably doesn\'t realize that she\'s being unfair about this. She might not even realize that your relationship is so one-sided. If I were you, I\'d find a nice, non-threatening or accusing way of talking to her about it. It\'s hard to say, from what you\'ve written, whether or not she has romantic/sexual feelings for you or if she\'s just real friendly with you b/c you don\'t threaten her like that. I\'m pretty friendly with my friend Rick (from the Hulk thread), and he definitely has a thing for me, but I\'m always clear that I\'m not interested in him as more than a friend. We *definitely* do not kiss or hold hands so I\'m not sure about your friend. If she does have a thing for you but is just being super cautious, move SLOW SLOW SLOW. I know that\'s frustrating, but you\'ve been in the friend zone for a long time and that\'s not going to be an easy transition for her to make quickly. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] HTH

  10. #10
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"Too bad her hubby was such an a$$. How long ago did she get divorced?\"

    The divorce was two years ago, but husband and girlfriend stayed (are staying) in her (GF\'s) house right next door. The GF doesn\'t have a life (got fired from last job for showing up drunk), so she has been constantly fileing (and losing) court actions (restraining orders and a dispute about some property her ex husband owned and sold to my friend). Further, when the husband left he abandonded his then 98 year old father with my friend. \"Pops\" and I were really good friends (I was his \"best friend\"). Jo (my friend) and I ended up being his care takers. He continued to live with her until he died last November (almost 100) at home. The last 3 months were the only difficult ones as he went from being very active to comatose to dead. So there have been some things going on that have left my friend in somewhat of a fragile state. About a year ago FTR & I had some discussions about her-- FTR gave me some really good advice, and I ended up walking away from her. I was ready to stay gone and move on with my life, but she got really upset and wanted me back. I know I should really walk away from this crazy making woman, but there are two problems. One, we \"fit together\" really well (heck her birthday is the day after mine)-like I mentioned even total strangers notice (and comment on) it. The other--you know how when we were younger we \"built\" this ideal mate (personality, appearance etc.)? I know I did this 30+ years before I met Jo. Except for being 5\' 6\" instead of 5\' 7\" she exactly fits the \"ideal model\" I had designed 30 + years ago. I don\'t know how often ANYONE meets someone who matches the \"ideal\" so closely, the odds must be astronomical.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    IMO relationships aren\'t give and take. Or not in the sense you\'re thinking of. A lot of times it\'ll seem like you give a lot more than you get. But think of what her person, as such, gives you. That\'s the real give and take. Getting something without the other person giving it to you. You get it just because of the way they are.
    If that ain\'t enough then yeah, just freeze things over. Dunno how though. It\'s complicated when you\'ve been doing things for someone and then suddenly, because of their attitude towards someone, you don\'t want to do them anymore. It presents a dilemma of whether you were actually comfortable doing them in the first place.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    That you\'re asking a woman what to do is in itself telling. I suspect you\'re not asking a guy as you already know what he would say, no?

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    Hey Koolking, no offense, but if you\'re going to insult us, please keep it off the women\'s forum. Your post reminded me of a thread on the main forum about Doc Love\'s \"System\" and how it recommends not asking women for advice on women. We obviously do not agree with his ideas, so if that\'s what you\'re advocating (I apologize for the misunderstanding if you are not), then please do not promote it here. This is the type of thing that has caused FTR to leave the forum completely, and most of the women to stop posting on the main forum. He asked because he truly wanted our opinion and he realizes that we might be able to give him insight that his pals cannot, and I think that shows maturity.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    FTR\'s left? I was wondering why this forum was seeming to be boring of late, oh well. I don\'t think I said a thing that is wrong. I don\'t care if he asks a women what to do, that\'s his business. And, I don\'t care if some women on here give him some advice either. If he wants to keep trying to \"buy\" this woman with all his favors for nothing much in return, great. In my mind, he isn\'t even asking the right question.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    </font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
    If he wants to keep trying to \"buy\" this woman with all his favors for nothing much in return, great.

    <hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

    I don\'t perceive him as \"buying\" this woman at all. He seems to just be helping her because he is a nice guy, she\'s a friend, and she needs his help. I do think he deserves to have some help from her in return when he needs it though, otherwise he is being taken advantage of...so I agree that he has a legitimate complaint here.

  16. #16
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"Quote:
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If he wants to keep trying to \"buy\" this woman with all his favors for nothing much in return, great.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    I don\'t perceive him as \"buying\" this woman at all. He seems to just be helping her because he is a nice guy, she\'s a friend...\"

    Thank you USD; that is exactly how it is. There are a couple of people that I go out of my way for BECAUSE they like me NOT so that they will like me.
    I just do a little more for this particular woman and the others seem more willing to give back. As far as asking for a woman\'s point of view, when my car is broken, I ask a mechanic not a florist This is a woman\'s actions so I ask a woman. I\'m sorry to hear FTR is gone, she was very level headed and open with some honest opinions.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    hey Jim I thought you wanted to get some action!!! Sorry, I just misunderstood.

  18. #18
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"hey Jim I thought you wanted to get some action!!! Sorry, I just misunderstood.\"
    Huh??

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    Well, are you two \"just friends\" or were you trying to get into her pants?

  20. #20
    Moderator Mtnjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice saying NO!

    \"Well, are you two \"just friends\" or were you trying to get into her pants?\"

    Yes!!

    AKA \"Friends with benefits\" is what I wanted. Unfortunately, I was friends and she got benefits

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