I invite your considered opinion, please.

[tallmacky]

Many of the right choices are often the hardest, I could cheat on this test and earn a good grade or study and work for it, I guess we should ask ourselves what is the best in the long run.

Yes, if the man cheats on his wife and has sex with another woman, he is getting a great feeling. Though in the long run I think it will do more harm then good.

(I couldn\'t resist)

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Please, tell us more.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Tallmacky, here\'s something for you to ponder:

the difference between \"then\" and \"than\"

Could you write me a little essay on that topic, please?

Seriously, though, about the issue I presented - it was gray and you were uncomfortable - so you jumped to the back and white. That\'s what most people do. Feels better, huh? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[tallmacky]

No, I just didn\'t want to start a flame as to what I really thought. Obviously you started this thread for justification/relief, it wasn\'t meant for us to analyze a situation and see how hard a decision can be. It was a personal vent, and you would\'ve liked positive responses right?

Sorry then and than, I know I went to dictionary.com awhile ago but I always seem to forget that, will try harder next time.

Of course, going off on the side without telling your wife and banging another chick may feel good physically but in the long run he is only hurting himself and his family. That pertains to him and those who aid him. Since when has a man cheating ever helped his home life, or his family? since when?

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Justification or relief from what?

It honestly didn\'t matter to me what the responses were, as long as they weren\'t smug and self-righteous.

Your questions are answered in Whitehall\'s post.

The only thing I wanted to accomplish was that maybe people wouldn\'t be so hard on \"cheaters\" if they knew what the \"cheaters\" were up against.

Then again, maybe not. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[tallmacky]

What are cheaters up against? The usual cheaters cheat because they feel their own needs matter more the anyone else\'s. Even in this case if he is having sex with a women behind his wifes back, it\'s guess what.....still cheating.

I couldn\'t find the answer to this in WhiteHall\'s post(s)

\"Since when has a man cheating ever helped his home life, or his family? since when?\"

[**DONOTDELETE**]

No offense, but I don\'t have the energy to argue this with you and that was not my point to begin with. It was to throw the situation out there and see what people had to say.

Your stand on the subject is clear.

[tallmacky]

I took a harder stance as it sounds like a real story with the name of the thread, and a please as to describe urgency along with the heavy amount of details givin in the original post, it seems to be current concerning matter.

All I requested was an answer to the question, I don\'t mind having it or not.

thanks

[**DONOTDELETE**]

All right, I will answer your question but I repeat, I did not open this thread to argue with you and I don\'t want to.

The reason sometimes it helps a marriage if the man cheats is because his wife is no longer being pressured for sex. When she no longer feels pressured to do things she has no interest in, and he is being satisfied, they can manage to be happy with all the rest of the good things they have together.

You can think that\'s ok or not think that\'s ok, obviously, but that\'s the answer to your question.

What do you mean by a \"please as to describe urgency\"? Tallmacky, I\'m not being a smart ass, this is a sincere question - are you a native speaker of English?

[seadove]

I wish half of the women population in the world will be just half as hot as half of the women population in this forum.

Could you imagine how much fun there would be?

Ahhhh.Wishful thinking.

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[tallmacky]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />

What do you mean by a \"please as to describe urgency\"? Tallmacky, I\'m not being a smart ass, this is a sincere question - are you a native speaker of English?


<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

By please I meant the last word of the name of this thread, as if this had to be answered soon, as if it was weighing on someone\'s concious [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]. Ahhh I know I have you thinking when you begin those subtle insults. Am I a native English speaker? How could you not know that, I live in Upstate New York, you have heard my audio post(s). Maybe it was a valid question, I am sure you just simply wanted to know if I was a native english speaker. Yeah, I am. I think I am a great speller, but my use of commas and grammer in general is confusing, as of late I have been just typing it up once and not looking back like I did in the past. Plus typing at 90 words per minute doesn\'t help either.

The answer really doesn\'t even work in reality at all. Here are 3 reasons though I am sure there are thousands.

1. He never told his wife about this. All women hate this.

2. A person can\'t be with another person merely as a sexual partner, a emotional bond will happen.(after time after time)

3. No matter what his wife will still feel rejected, and useless.

Above aren\'t the top reasons as I would have to think about that. This is reality your answer reminds me something of a computer program. Obvious bias in you is seen, one has to weigh the issues on both sides. In your account of the situation you make it look as if this strung out guy is getting what he wants, the wife is much happier, and the person helping is just there to help. In reality there are emotions involved your answer sounds more cold then any of my posts. It\'s impossible.... do you have an example? I can point to thousands of examples of cheating husbands corrupting a family.

I am done as of now I will give you the last word.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Thanks for your very thorough answer.

I have not heard your audio posts, believe it or not. I sometimes don\'t read your posts in their entirety, I must admit, much less listen to your audio posts.

[DrSmellThis]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Here\'s the situation.

A married man in his early forties has a wife who he loves very much and a daughter who he loves very much, and all would seem to be happy in Paradise, except that said wife has no interest in sex. Wife was pregnant with twins, one was stillborn, the other died soon after birth; a couple of years later, after a difficult pregnancy, she had one child that lived. Her interest in sex since then has been nill and this doesn\'t bother her. Husband has tried to increase intimacy between them, even just taking a shower together, never mind anything more adventurous. Wife has immersed herself in role as \"mother\" and turns a deaf ear.

Husband finds a woman on the side who he sees discretely maybe once a month or so.

What is your opinion of this man?



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">http://www.citypages.com/savagelove/

This person would probably give an opinion similar to mine, but in a more entertaining manner. Our local underground paper carries his column -- a favorite of mine.

[proteus]

Marriage to me means certain things, and I wonder what kind of effort this gentleman has made to try and get to the source of why his wife doesn\'t want to have much to do with sex. Could it have something to do with losing a child during childbirth? It\'s possible, but that is speculation on my part but I have a feeling that has a lot to do with it. To me, his energies should be focused elsewhere such as doing all in his power to enter counseling with her to get to the bottom of this. I\'m sure something is troubling her deeply about all of this and it seems rather than him helping her, he is more concerned with fulfilling his needs. To me if he really loved her, that would be his main concern, that is helping his wife deal with the loss of a child.

Secondly, if he absolutely must have sex, then to me the choice is clear - he needs to tell his wife and let her know his situation, and let her know that he will seek this relief outside of his marriage. If there is no honesty, where is the \"love\' is what I ask. I acknowledge this might hurt a lady who is perhaps already suffering greatly, but I\'m sure if you asked her she\'d rather know the truth than be deceived. I know this view may not be too popular here, but just wanted to give my perspective as I have less concern for this man\'s needs than the the psychological trauma his wife had from the tragic death of her child. He is failing her as a husband IMO , and needs to forget for the time being what he wants and help her deal with what she is going through.

[koolking1]

The man has already found an accomodation to his predicament and he is now content with his situation. The other woman he sees from time to time is content with her situation. The wife is content with her situation. The only problem is that there is a deception. The deception should be removed but the \"how to remove it\" presents a dilemna. The man should now present his wife with the facts. The wife will then have to make a decision. She\'s already made one decision so she\'s certainly capable of making another. After the wife makes her second decision, the 3 parties can then proceed accordingly. There will then be at least 3 new options and the wife will be forced to live with the consequences of her first decision. She clearly did not consider her husband\'s feelings when she made her first decision so, in my mind, she\'s in the wrong and only she can correct things, with yet another decision. Let\'s look at it from another angle - If I were approached by a married woman that I knew and she told me \"look, my husband doesn\'t want to have sex with me anymore but we still love each other for many other reasons or we have to stay together for family considerations, would you take care of my sexual needs?\". I would say no to her now (I\'ve been in this predicament myself). Why? Well, I might fall in love with her and she\'s not going to leave her husband so I am the one who gets screwed in the end. The third party should take the lead as clearly the first two parties never will (the reality) and relieve themselves of what they have unwittingly become: an unpaid prostitute.

[koolking1]

Now, if the unpaid prostitute doesn\'t mind their situation (I did myself, oh - isn\'t love grand)and just enjoys it for sexual reasons, they can just keep quiet and wait for the [bad word] to explode down the road between the married couple and then just walk away from it all!!!! Might be a week, might be years, but it\'s gonna happen one day.

[franki]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
an unpaid prostitute.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

I would rather say mistress. If she has a long relationship with that guy I would not consider her a prostitute.

[upsidedown]

I wonder how PHEROMONES would work if this guy tried them around his wife! A novel idea I know coming on a pheromone forum! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

If someone introduced him to pheromones, I wonder if they would help his wife\'s dormant passion?

[CptKipling]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Here\'s the situation.

A married man in his early forties has a wife who he loves very much and a daughter who he loves very much, and all would seem to be happy in Paradise, except that said wife has no interest in sex. Wife was pregnant with twins, one was stillborn, the other died soon after birth; a couple of years later, after a difficult pregnancy, she had one child that lived. Her interest in sex since then has been nill and this doesn\'t bother her. Husband has tried to increase intimacy between them, even just taking a shower together, never mind anything more adventurous. Wife has immersed herself in role as \"mother\" and turns a deaf ear.

Husband finds a woman on the side who he sees discretely maybe once a month or so.

What is your opinion of this man?



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

(excuse the fragmented format...)

Initially this seems like everyone is happy, everyone is getting what they want and no one gets hurt. Moral considerations complicate things, and stop us from thinking about this:

Why should the husband sacrifice his happiness?

But then conversely, why does he seek his happiness in someone else? Surely this breaks the promises of marriage more than her?

From an emotionally removed stand-point, perhaps he should leave her, his biological needs are not being met, so go somewhere else to satisfy them. But this is certainly morally wrong, the child should always be a consideration, and besides, there seems to be a lot of love between them.


This situation has no defining, the only way to define it would be to get the wife to seek help, but otherwise we can not define this man apart from to say he is putting his happiness before the marriage, but is that right/wrong...?

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Proteus, the loss of the children happened 12 years ago. The couple has been to lots and lots of counseling.

The stereotypes that make things tidy are coming out ... The other woman is a whore. The guy .. if he MUST have sex? C\'mon now. People generally must have sex ... You assume the other woman wants to marry the guy (homewrecker!). What if she doesn\'t at all?

[Enticing]

One of the most common stories in life, unfortunately. I\'m not saying it is right or wrong, but it is difficult. Apparently everyone is doing the best they can and doing what they can to get by, correct? The one I feel most compassion for, is the man\'s mistress. That is, if she is like most women, emotionally involved with the man, and what, she \'gets to\' have emotional, life altering sex with him once a month? Is that enough for either of them? What happens when she\'s ill, or he gets hurt, and the two of them cannot contact each other, comfort one another? It\'s a tough situation.

I guess what I am saying is, the guy is getting his sexual and emotional needs met, but what about the mistress? Maybe she has her sexual needs met, with that once a month meaningful sex, but who is meeting her emotional needs?

I also know a man whose wife\'s back was injured so badly in an accident that sex is super painful for her. They love each other tremendously, and touch and cuddle all the time. But in her darkest moments, she has said to him \"I wouldn\'t blame you if you had to go elsewhere in order to be satisfied.\" She just doesn\'t want to be aware of the details. Neither of them is happy with this situation, they both miss their former sex life terribly. All kinds of situations happen... [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[proteus]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Proteus, the loss of the children happened 12 years ago. The couple has been to lots and lots of counseling.

The stereotypes that make things tidy are coming out ... The other woman is a whore. The guy .. if he MUST have sex? C\'mon now. People generally must have sex ... You assume the other woman wants to marry the guy (homewrecker!). What if she doesn\'t at all?



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

FTR you asked for opinions and this is what you are getting (no offense meant [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] ) - there are so many variables that we don\'t know and could never know about this situation since we are not living it, but from the little we know each of us is giving what he/she thinks/feels. It does seem also that you\'ve already come to your own conclusions about this situation and perhaps seeking reinforcement of your views on this, but each of us bring our own biases and I just feel this guy could do things differently.

As for the lady he is involved with I don\'t consider her a whore or anything along those lines - relationships in whatever form they take are very often complicated with lots of grey areas. To me she is probably just seeking companionship and love herself, and sometimes we meet folks and things are not so simple and straightforward. I think ultimately though, if things are not brought out into the open, someone is going to get hurt - either the wife or his lady friend and of this I have no doubt.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I don\'t mean to be critical. I was just clarifying the circumstances. Yeah, of course I have opinions about the situation like everybody else! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Lucky]

If the man loved his wife and child so much, he\'d be trying to fix things. He wants to love his family, but he doesn\'t -at least for now.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Of course. It\'s his fault. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[MOBLEYC57]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
If the man loved his wife and child so much, he\'d be trying to fix things. He wants to love his family, but he doesn\'t - at least for now.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

\"Se\" Cazzo! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img] Sei troppo brava Lucky! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Troppo brava! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img] Amore...una cosa piu forte della mondo. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] Mi Ami, Mi odi, Mi Ami, Mi odi, Mi Aaaaaaaaami! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] Mi sento proprio come te. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[Lucky]

Mobley,

I didn\'t hear a word you said!!! Gimme some English.

[Lucky]

FTR,
I was not trying to assign blame or even assess the situation.

You asked, \"What is your opinion of this man?\"

I don\'t think he loves his family like he says he does. If nothing else, his investment in time with the other woman would prove his detachment. Sex is sex and he can get it anywhere. Sex with the same other woman repeatedly will demand some sort of a relationship, thus affecting his consignment to his family.

Do you disagree?

[**DONOTDELETE**]

A couple hours once a month with another woman doesn\'t take any time worth mentioning away from his family.

I guess what I object to is the sort of facile nature of the answers. He should be trying to fix things. He tried to fix things. He went to counseling, they went to counseling, he\'s done everything a human being possibly can.

His choices are to live without sex or to get his sexual needs taken care of somewhere else.

Given that he\'s chosen the latter by default, it would seem to me better to have one partner than to have random encounters with strangers...

[Lucky]

You know what I went through last winter, extreme desires with insufficient outlets. Had I chosen to have an affair, and I admit I was close...things would have been very cloudy for me. And, I don\'t know that I would have been able to see the tiny changes in my life that were making things better.

IMO, if he\'s been straight up with the wife, then she probably understands and would say go ahead.