1. \"If you hire me I will show up. That\'s all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.\"

2. \"I\'ll work so hard you won\'t even know I\'m there.\"

3. \"I\'ll need all my paid vacation time up front so I\'ll be rested when I start.\"

4. \"You can\'t turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.\"

5. \"If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.\"

6. \"That big thing growing on my face isn\'t my fault.\"

7. \"I don\'t do drugs at work anymore. And I probably won\'t.\"

8. \"I can go all day without peeing once.\"

9. \"If you hired my dumbass sister then you can surely hire me.\"

10. \"I\'ve got lots of experience I\'ll be getting on this job if you hire me.\"

11. \"If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the
interviewer\'s wicked bad breath.\"

12. \"I won\'t sue you when you fire me.\"

13. \"My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.\"

14. \"The sticky stuff on my hands isn\'t what you think.\"

15. \"Don\'t call that moron I used to work for.\"

16. \"Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain\'t that gud enuff fer me to get the job?\"

17. \"I was a sniper in the Army.\"

18. \"If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?\"

19. \"The only reason my grades in high school were so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn\'t pass the tests. They wasn\'t being fair to me because they don\'t like me.\"

20. \"I\'m not what? Oh yeah? Well here\'s what you can do with your friggin\' job...\"

21. \"I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.\"

22. \"If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.\"

23. \"I\'ll need a company car and a driver because I can\'t legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.\"

24. \"If you hire me, don\'t tell the welfare agency until I get my Jeep paid off.\"

25. \"I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?\"

26. \"You don\'t have the nuts to hire someone like me!\"

27. \"You could do worse.\"

28. \"When do we eat?\"

29. \"How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?\"

30. \"Don\'t go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18.\"

31. \"I don\'t hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!\"

32. \"If you give me a job, you\'re ok but if you don\'t you suck.\"

33. \"I don\'t DO applications.\"

34. \"If I work here, I\'ll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.\"

35. \"Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?\"

36. \"I won\'t have to do anything, will I?\"

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