Reply With QuotePersonal ads. I\'ve got the same problem. [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Approach difficulties
What If you live in a city where the people are renowned through-out the rest of the country(that I live in) for beeing hard to approach.
Elsewhere in this country if you in the evening sit down alone in a pub or cafe etc. strangers wil usualy approach for a chat, whatever. Where I live a person sitting alone is shunned and avoidede and most everyone wind up together with the opposite sex as a result of a party(both being to varying degrees, drunk)
Any ideas, suggestions on how to ease contact(givent that I dont party and dont drink)?!?!?
Satan
Re: Approach difficulties
Personal ads. I\'ve got the same problem. [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
It is a surprise for me that Satan doesn\'t drink. [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]
Franki
Re: Approach difficulties
I agree with FTR. Bars - no good; personals - good!!!
Re: Approach difficulties
Meeting people via personal ads doesn\'t sound like a lot of fun to me. Maybe I am wrong.
Franki [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
No \"maybe\" to it. In the past fifteen years, I have met NO ONE in my regular life ... but married a man I met in the personals and it was good for a pretty decent stretch, as these things go ... and seriously dated two men after, from personals. You meet a variety of people on the internet and from print ads that you would not ever meet in your ordinary walk of life. It\'s fun when you\'re in the mood for \"dating for laughs\" sometimes, even when it doesn\'t move into anything regular or long term. I\'ve met a much better class of out of work musicians from personal ads than I ever would have otherwise.
Re: Approach difficulties
Satan : I can understand that, I am french (people may think that all french people are easy to approach, that\'s our reputation !), but I have 100% germanic origins - I don\'t approach people very easily, and neither do they towards me... the brave ones who dare (!) have a good surprise when they find I\'m a normal and nice woman (gay, but normal :-) )
You don\'t need a drink to meet people - I personally hardly drink any alcohol (except on very rare occasions) and I can\'t stand it when someone is drunk. Drinking (not especially drunk) people tell you things they forget one hour later...
Living north of the arctic circle is not really helpful if you want to meet people (more reindeers than human beings, I suppose !). Why not some sports ?
Personals are a strange way to meet people but it\'s sometimes very nice. People communicate a lot in big cities, but you would be surprised how they are shy when it comes to their very private life, even if they show off laughing very loud... Why not try ? just be careful not to stay too long in the virtual world !
Frenchie
Re: Approach difficulties
Personal ads
Church
Clubs or group activities
Malls, resturants, etc - make the world your hunting grounds. Walk up and introduce yourself.
You\'re young, so go to a college town and hang out in the hot spots. College towns draw single young women from a wide area into one small geographic zone - your adds are better. You don\'t have to drink - I\'ve sat for hours sipping a coke and letting other prople\'s inhibitions fall away while I was sober and in control.
Re: Approach difficulties
Just a suggestion, which may not be a good one since I don\'t really know your situation as well as you do. But, instead of sitting alone waiting for others to approach you, why don\'t you get up and go approach the others? Perhaps the other people are waiting for you to make the move.
Just a thought.
Re: Approach difficulties
When I was newly single several years ago I said to myself, \"ok oh boy, let\'s hit the bars for some action\". Well, even though I\'m a very outgoing person I found myself at a loss for words in the bar situation - I don\'t drink a whole lot and I just couldn\'t get myself on the social level that everyone else seemed to be on. I also realized that even when I was younger I had never met a woman in a bar wherein things went beyond the bar banter. All the woman I had ever met and had some sort of relationship with - didn\'t meet them in bars.
Re: Approach difficulties
I was very shy when I was young and had a hard time meeting women. I also couldn\'t do the bar scene very well and looked too \"serious\" I think. Anyway, the best thing that ever happened to my social life was folk dancing and swing dancing. It is perfect. I am very happily married, but if I were single I would IMMEDIATELY start taking swing and ballroom dance lessons and find out where the local contra dancing happens.
From reading your bio though, I think I would work those abs and lose those extra 60 lbs. That will help a lot. Hey, dancing could help you lose the weight too. OK, so what are you doing sitting there? Shut off the computer and get out there and dance! And don\'t come back until you have women crawling all over your rippling body.
Bruce
Re: Approach difficulties
Thats interesting because I met all my long term GFs in bars [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] There seems to be a stigma attached to people that frequent clubs, but I\'ve had meaningful relationships there. Depends on what you are looking for. I think I am a decent and great individual, and I go clubbing, so there will be people like me there too, who would love to meet someone like me [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
however club scene is pretty difficult, hard to get a decent conversation going, and its even more difficult for me because I am an asian in a european society. I do prefer asian girls though [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
So since no conversation in bars, you really have to make your personality stand out in the way you present yourself. You either have to look good or act good to attract.
Anyone agree with me here?
[img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
I think it\'s easier in bars if you play pool or darts or something where you can get in on activities.
Not so much clubs, but neighborhood bars, you have to hang out there until you start to be one of the gang, the waitresses and bartender know you, etc. You get to know who the other regulars are.
I\'ve never liked the atmosphere well enough to hang out long enough and I don\'t play pool or shoot darts, so ... I\'m for the ads.
Re: Approach difficulties
Whats the difference between a bar and club? I wouldn\'t frequent a place if its exclusively a bar. I\'m more a club guy, i.e. dance floor.
If you are a guy, learn to dance, I prefer hip hop and R&B because it can be very smooth and sexy, or you can make it fast [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] Even if you can\'t pick up a women, make friends with beautiful women, and be seen with them.
Meet them in other areas, social circles and take them out with you as friends. Otherwise just approach a group of single looking women and get your groove on. Takes some guts though good luck [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
Problem here is women don\'t give enough flirty signals and its bloody confusing....... :P
Re: Approach difficulties
Having been a professional musician, I used to make my living in bars. It\'s very much about being one of the regulars. It\'s for some people. But for me, it was always too noisy to go one-on-one with anybody ... Cuddles [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
\"I prefer hip hop and R&B because it can be very smooth and sexy\"
Yeah, that is the way to do it. If you can really dance \"sensuously and slow\" you are in.
Re: Approach difficulties
Bruce,
I enthusiastically second your opinion on Swing Dancing [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img] !
Re: Approach difficulties
Part of the original question was that people in some parts of the country are more \"closed\" to starting conversations with strangers than others. For example, I found Boston difficult to connect with people while Toronto was very easy - once I got through the cigarette smoke.
I agree with Red in that being a regular at a bar helps but I would hate to have drinking that big a part of my life.
Another aspect is the numbers game, the sexual demographics. Some of us have jobs or lifestyles where we meet lot\'s of the opposite gender on a day-to-day basis. Retail, computer service, music, students, etc can have it relative easy. Others may work in a place without those opportunities or where social connections between the opposite sexes are strongly frowned upon.
Some of us live where the sex ratio is out-of-whack. I grew up in a Navy town where there were always a big preponderance of single males over females available in my my age group. Bummer! Later, I worked at a huge construction site located in backwoods Dixie. I used to call that one of the BYOP sites - \"Bring your own pussy\" - there where NO young single women left within 50 miles! (OK, maybe two, but even I have (or had) standards!)
What are you going to in such situations? Try harder and think outside of the box.
Re: Approach difficulties
Which city are you specifically referring to? And which country?
My suggestion: Internet dating sites are a possibility...just be honest and up-front about why you\'re there and what you\'re looking for and you won\'t come across as a \"wierd freaky creepy guy\".
If you\'re genuinely looking for a partner/soul-mate and have money to spend: professional introduction agencies. These are varied, but go for one with a decent reputation.
All else fails....the personals [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
There are some really scary people out there...both men and women, but the beauty of the internet is that you can always back-off when things get too uncomfortable. But there are also a number of nice, genuine people as well....you just have to take the time and effort.
Re: Approach difficulties
I am one of those scary people................
Re: Approach difficulties
Ditto, but one thing that ALWAYS seems to work...
If you act like you don\'t care...Than that will show people one way, but, even if you DON\'JT get a girl by doing this..Well, you don\'t care, lol...Either way...Chill out, act like you don\'t care.
Work on upping yourself one or two...or 5, and people will see that attitude.
Bart
Re: Approach difficulties
My ego would kill an ordinary human.
its a non issue
Satan
Re: Approach difficulties
Maybe it\'s anxt than...
Even if you are better lookign, have a better personality, etc..You see a girl with a guy talking, or, maybe they are goign out, and, you get an attitude like...Why is she with him, blah blah, I\'m way better looking than him..I would show him shame if it came down to in bed, blah blah....
The answer, why he gets her and not you...Because he goes and talks to her, and you are back going, why can\'t I...:Blah blah blah...
Another reason is because, you see a girl/women, as just something you f***, and if\' its\' not somethig you f** it\'s like, you have a RIGHT to go out with a girl, and you expect them to just go out with you....You got to get to know a girl and things, and you just can\'t have the other attitude.
The girl\'s position in the world is NOT to live, so that she can go out with someone...No, shse\'s got dreams, goals, etc, for herself, and, in fact, she\'s probaby NOT going out looking for someone....
Instead of just GOING OUT, you should to and make a connection with someone or something, it\'s not, you have to like her, but rather, it has to be a mutual thing.
Also, pheromones help, but, they won\'t work if a girl didn\'t like you to begin with...Or, she could have liked you but a. not known it...or b. not gone out with you because of what other people say, friends, clothes, size, I don\'t know.
You just got to change your attitude...I won\'t say love, I mean, love is nothing more than a set of chemcals set off in the brain, but, how can you say you like such and such girl? You are attractive towards them, however, you do have to realize that they may not be attracted to.
Now, people may say, use less none, well, that\'s not always the case too, because, I used 1 drop behind each ear of pure none from the kit, that\'s 2 times stronger than primal and got better responses out of girls than when just usiing PPA, but, on the other hand, I\'ve used it before, and got the WORST results, it just depends on the environment, other factors, the mood of people. At one point someone may like none, and sometimes not, and things....
What do you need to do..I don\'t know, you HAVE to just be going at it ALL wrong...
You\'re too \'intimidating...\' yes, but, I have found that, even if you get to know people they can see past that, in fact, your intimidation can be something that can start a conversation.
For example, now, I\'m not going out with this girl, but, it does help to start conversation I suppose, get to know people...But, this one girl, I\'d just look over her way (not even looking at her) and she\'s like, you have that look on your face ever time you look at me...I\'m like, what face? blah blah blah...I don\'t know, maybe I just look intimidating, but, it doesn\'t mean the end of the world...I mean, as long as you don\'t scare people away from you to where they REFUSE to talk to you, it doens\'t matter.
Another account, I\'m just sitting there in class ( NOT wearing none either) and some girl asks me if a. I\'m high...b. If I\'m an \'agressive\' person....Hmm...So I\'m a little quiet ... And, sometimes snap at people when they act retarded sometimes, but, I would rather be \'intimidating\' than be soemoen who doesn\'t get noticed...
And, when I said upping yourself, I did not mean you ego, I mean YOU, ie, working out, clothes, etc...What you got now..Up it..If you wear 20$ cologne wear 50$, and than 80$, if you wear Abercombie wear Guchi, if you spend 10 minute sa day working out spend an hour, 5 days a week, get expensive hair cut, you got 100$ shoes get 150$ shoes, etc...You think you got a good attitude, make it even better, you think you\'re slick with the ladies, get slicker I got this Mexican friend that dresses in the nicest clothes, slicks his hair back with grease and tries the slick routine on the ladies, he\'s always with 3 girls, 1 is his girl at the time, the other 2 is just something else nice to look at...That\'s what I mean.
Chill out, stop worrying about [bad word]... Like, my brother, he eats fast, does things like he\'s in a hurry, I\'m like, dude, chill out.....Dont\' just do something, sit there ( quote, forget the name) which, is true, try meditation or something....
Even if you don\'t get a girl doing that, you\'ll be too busy upping yourself to care, and, because you\'ve upped yourself, I\'m sure you\'ll hook up with someone, intimidatoin isn\'t everything.
You can always talk your way into a girl\'s heart, it\'s not just, she gets first impression and that\'s that....lol
Bart
Re: Approach difficulties
Dude it aint me.
Example: when talking about where live the first thing most people from other cities make an remark about is how dificult it is to get conatct with people in my city, hell even people that haven´t been here reply when queried that\" yea I heard that it was difficult to get through to people there\"
This aint a \"normal\" problem like ego, confidence etc.
Satan
PS: about treating women as \"just a nother Fuc-k\"..... it is usualy the guy that do that get all the action
Re: Approach difficulties
I agree with some of Bart\'s points.
But I think first impressions are really important and dictate the level of chasing that will be required to \"get\" a girl. You\'re chances of course are much better if you approach a girl that is showing interest (flirt looks etc), and vice versa. If her attitude to you ranks below neutral, its gonna be a uphill battle for you to change her attitude. Sounds familiar?
Case in point, I met this girl once with her friend at a club. Now I managed to get with this girl, but her friend managed to peg me in her mind as a playboy (probably because I dressed like a backstreet boy [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] hehehe. Anyway no amount of convincing from then on could get her to like me, she would see any negatives in any action I do around her etc etc.
Anyway I just didn\'t care in the end as the seducee loved me like crazy but her friends attitude still amuses me to this day to no end. Oh I met them at a night club [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
The point is not to treat every girl as \"just another fxck\", but to be relaxed.
Relaxation is all. Anxiety kills. If you\'re relaxed, you\'re confident and happy. Confidence is very attractive.
The reason the guys who just don\'t care are attractive is because of that relaxation and confidence, not because they just don\'t care. Well, mostly.
BTW, how you\'re perceived depends on a few things:
- your facial expressions (relaxed face is better)
- your body posture (straight back is better)
- the clothes you wear (black leather will be more intimidating usually)
- your tone of voice (relaxed and playful is better)
- what pheromone you\'re wearing (-none and -rone are more threatening, -nol and A1 are more gentle and soothing)
So if you want to be intimidating, wear black leather and -none.
If you want to be accessable and a nice guy, wear cloth and -nol.
In either case, stand tall, be relaxed, look straight into the girl\'s eyes, turn your body so you\'re facing her, smile, nod when she says things, and touch her casually.
YMMV, but works for me...
Re: Approach difficulties
I agree with you XVS in terms of confidence, it is definately attractive to the ladies [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
The \"I don\'t care attitude\" is on the other spectrum of desperate, don\'t act desperate (at least don\'t look it hehehe)
And its not a negative I don\'t care but a, I\'m comfortable with myself, and I don\'t give rats ass whether you like me or not. Take the world head on attitude [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Easier said then done, but even if you are not wired like that it is possible to change. I am a solid example of that.
I want to reiterate XVS comment to \"casually touch\". I am now a big advocate of touching, I was \"never\" a touchy feely person. After a bit of research I changed my behaviour and forced myself to touch women more (I was hard wired not too [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] you connect at such a greater level.
As part of the tools to seduction, it is an art in itself. And you can really accelerate the level of intimacy between you and that special someone [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
Here\'s something interesting, in an article I read people in the service industry who touched the person they served actually got a higher value tip. [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Re: Approach difficulties
Chill out man, lol, just chill....
If you can\'t get a girl in your city...Go to a club in a neighboring one or something...I don\'t know
But, either way, you got to chill...
You got to be at the point where, you are relaxed enough, not drunk, but, you can say, and DO whatever you want...
But, hey, if it\'s not a confidence problem, I don\'t know, but, either way, chill out...Even if you can\'t get a girl, at least you won\'t be as frustrated if you CHILL, lol...Chill...
Bart
Re: Approach difficulties
I am relaxed, everybody likes me and it is easy for me to start talking to people and strike up an conversation...no problem but, this is where it all ends.
It is almost like people here will talk to be curteous but letting someone under their skin with out blood in their alchohol [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] is.....difficult, they tend to talk and wittdraw reply and wittdraw etc. etc. ad nauseam...............
the surface [bad word] is easy its the getting under their skin bit that causes problems.
Where I live is considdered the\"fashion capital\" of the country new fashions arrive her before they do in the capital
people here tend to be fairly shallow and \"on the surface\" only.
I am about as far away from being shallow as you could get and quite frankly dont know how to act shallow enough(I am all about content(typical scorpio in that reguard))
Satan
PS: small example : people act like I am weird because I have hobbies (people her do not have hobies after the age of 18( exept music(top10 stuff) and drinking/partying/whatching a movie)..... thats it, even the people that are into sports doesnt have other side interests outside of this........Its like I am living in f u c k ing synaptic vacum here( having an iq in the top half promilla doesnt help in this reguard ) there is this vapid surface sheen on people here that is hard to get through
*pant* *pant* ranting *pant* over now!
Re: Approach difficulties
Yeah, I know what you mean about people who have their gaurd up...
How it is here, most girls, are fairly polite, in that, I know one dude for example, that whill go and try to flirt with girls, and, they won\'t tell him to get away, nothing like that, but they don\'t really like him at all, and, you can tell. But, they are still polite. This is how it seems to be most of the time.
You give eye contact??? What about KINO??
The eye contact...It works...It REALLY does...
What I usually do..Give someone eye contact...Don\'t let it up though..Until they do, so, if they don\'t look away from you, don\'t look away from them, however, if they look away, don\'t keep looking at them, that would be among other things something dumb...Don\'t want to stare, but, if they are looking at you, look back (Let her admire you admiring her) (: Tip from good ole Casanova)
Casanova was able to seduce nuns, etc...He was UGLY, long, thin nose...half bald...Pony tailed hair, ugly, but, he was able to screw like I forge thte number, it\'s 100 something, including nuns and things...
Maybe you should act like that...I mean, me, personally, I don\'t have the pretiest face (do work out though)...And, most girls, on the SURFACE...I am either too intimidating or not confident enough? Either way, if Casanova could screw a bunch of women, among a load of nuns and so forth, sh** I can too...Now, this is back in a LONG time ago, when f*** was pretty much forbidden (and, if you are a nun, lol, I don\'t think so...) Not to mention he was ugly...
I say, give it that attitude right there...Eye contact and things, let her admire you admiring her....
Bart
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