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  1. #1
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    Default Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

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    Since this Topic is for anything, go ahead and express your moments of the products and your funniest moments with them, or any Jokes, Riddle, or Poems, here I\'ll do one!

    Poem:
    \"To The Man\"
    Oh how I\'m longing for your touch,
    For you are the man who protects my Croch,
    Oh I feel so safe knowing your there,
    Calling my name out in thee Air,
    So how does it feel knowing The Family can hear,
    That you are the one thats crying,
    and very anxiously dying to see me,
    While I am Falunting and Flaunting,
    And struten while your Farten with Fear,
    Now Hurry, Honey and get YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!!!

    By: Mamapunisha

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    LOL ...

  3. #3
    Phero Dude xxxPantero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    inside i cry
    i shout
    i curse
    but on the outside i smile
    i laugh at your annoying silliness
    i wear a mask
    just like the one you wear
    no, don\'t deny it
    you know what i\'m talking about
    you\'re just as fake as me
    i realized that
    and it hurts
    but i don\'t show it
    so while i may kiss you
    and laugh and smile
    on the inside
    i cry

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    kind of low right now, but i\'m glad there\'s a poetry corner here to vent

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    JOKEY JOKE!!!

    \" WARNING!!! BEWARE OF THAT SMART OLD LADY\"

    A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, \"It\'s a lot of money!\"

    After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president\'s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, \"$165,000!\" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, \"Ma\'am, I\'m surprised you\'re carrying so much cash around. \"Where did you get this money?\"

    The old lady replied, \"I make bets.\" The president then asked, \"Bets? What kind of bets?\" The old woman said, \"Well, for example, I\'ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.\"

    \"Ha!\" laughed the president, \"That\'s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!\" The old lady challenged, \"So, would you like to take my bet?\"

    \"Sure,\" said the president, I\'ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!\"
    The little old lady then said, \"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?\" \"Sure!\" replied the confident president.

    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

    The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president\'s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: \"$25,000 says the president\'s balls are square!\"

    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. \"Well, Okay,\" said the president, \"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.\"

    Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, \"What the hell\'s the matter with your lawyer?\" She replied, \"Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10:10 AM today, I\'d have the president of The Bank of Canada\'s balls in my hand.\"

    HOPE YOUR DAY/NIGHT HAS YOU SMILING [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    \"SOME PEOPLE NEVER FORGET\"

    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

    He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), \"If you don\'t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!\" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

    Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

    The businessman got in the first cab in the line, \"How much for a ride to the airport, \" he asked? \"Fifteen bucks\", came the reply. \"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?\" \"What?! Get the hell out of my cab.\" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

    When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked \"How much for a ride to the airport?\" The cabbie replied \"fifteen bucks.\" The businessman said \"ok\" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Hugs, Pantero.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Does anyone know the difference between Erotic, and Kinky?

    ANSWER: Erotic is when you use the feather, and Kinky is when you use the whole chicken!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    No, no, no, that\'s not it!

    Erotic is the stuff that *I* do.

    Kinky is that weird stuff *you* get into...

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Sorry FTR, but my feet are clean! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]

  10. #10
    Phero Dude xxxPantero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    erotic is ANYTHING you do to turn them on

    kinky is when something that isn\'t sexual in nature becomes erotic... such as stockings, carrots, handcuffs... etc.

    although stockings are becoming more accepted, so they are becoming more erotic than kinky

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    O.K.! O.K.! Does anyone know the difference between seduction and conversation? No? Females...Lay down, I want to talk to you! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Oh, man, I need to get out my notepad for all these new definitions!

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    \"FAXES BETWEEN THE BORED\"

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
    \"Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I\'ll be home before midnight.

    -Your Husband\"

    When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

    \"Dear Husband, You too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don\'t wait up.\"

    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

  14. #14
    Bodhi Satva CptKipling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son\'s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. \"What are you doing?\" she asked. \"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,\" the daughter-in-law replied. \"Why are you naked?\" asked the mother-in-law. \"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law replied. \"LOVE DRESS! You\'re naked,\" said the mother-in-law. \"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,\" said the daughter-in-law. \"He will be home any minute now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?\" Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the \"LOVE DRESS\" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, his car drove up the driveway. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife. \"What are you doing?\" he asked. \"This is my love dress,\" she said, excitedly. \"Needs ironing.\" he replied.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    \"THINGS YOU FIND AT THE BEACH\"

    There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

    He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

    A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane walked over to it, and began to move the penis around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, she said, \"There really is no justice in the world.\"

    The other little old lady asked, \"What do you mean by that?\"

    The first little old lady replied,\" Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I\'m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I\'m too old to squat.\"


    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    King Arthur\'s Dilemma


    Sit back and enjoy a fairy tale with a moral.


    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur\'s youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question: What do women really want?

    Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch\'s proposition to have an answer by year\'s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he\'d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

    Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur\'s question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

    Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur\'s life would be spared.

    And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

    What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached.

    Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

    But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he\'d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she\'d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.

    Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

    What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

    What would you do?

    What Arthur chose follows below......but don\'t read until you\'ve made your own choice.

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    Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    What is the moral of this story?

    If your woman doesn\'t get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

  17. #17
    Bodhi Satva CptKipling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. \"I\'ve got a difficult decision\" the VP says, \"I either have to lay you or Jack off.\" \"Oh, jack-off\" Mary says, \"I\'ve got a headache.\"

    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can\'t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. \"Honey,\" she signs, \"Why don\'t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don\'t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.\" The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, \"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don\'t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times\"
    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a
    turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put \"Happy Thanksgiving\" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with \"Merry Christmas\" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, \"If you don\'t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?\" She says, \"I\'m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there\'s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\"

    One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation. I said, \"I did that by accident.\" She replied, \"I know that daddy.\" I replied, \"How\'d you know?\" Melanie said, \"Because you didn\'t say \'[censored]\' afterwards!\"

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm in alcohol - dead Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead Third worm in sperm - dead Fourth worm in soil - alive Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won\'t get worms.

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell of alcohol on his breath and see the lipstick on his collar. \"I assume,\" she snarled, \"there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o\'clock in the morning?\" \"There is,\" he replied. \"Breakfast.\"

    A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. \"Doctor, the hormones you\'ve been giving me have really helped, but I\'m afraid that you\'re giving me too much. I\'ve started growing hair in places that I\'ve never grown hair before.\" The doctor reassured her. \"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?\" \"On my balls.\"

    Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, \"Hey that\'s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?\" The other old lady said, \"It\'s a condom.\" \"A condom? Where do you get those?\" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, \"What size do you want?\" The old lady thought for a minute and said, \"One that will fit a Camel.\"

    A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
    She asked, \"Do you have Viagra?\"
    \"Yes,\" the pharmacist answered.
    She asked, \"Does it work?\"
    \"Yes,\" he answered.
    \"Can you get it over the counter?\" she asked.
    \"I can if I take two!\"

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. \"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I\'m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.\" The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver\'s seat looking out the window. \"Why aren\'t we going anywhere?\" asked the girl. \"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I\'m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25...\"

    There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, \"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.\" The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, \"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.\" The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, \"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.\" The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

    Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, \"Don, you\'ve got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" Don decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, \"That was a huge mistake Don. You\'ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.\" Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there. The Polar Bear said, \"Admit it Don, you don\'t really come here for the hunting, do you?\"

    This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn\'t make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn\'t have a spare and couldn\'t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. \"Cool\" they thought, \"this is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: \'(95 points) Which tire?\'

    Bob and Rex are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in and sits down next to Bob. \"Tickle your ass with a feather?\" he says to her. She responds, \"Beg your pardon?\" Bob then says, as if repeating himself, \"Particularly nasty weather.\" \"Oh, the brunette replies, I must have misunderstood you.\" She finishes her drink and leaves. About five minutes later a really hot blonde walks in and sits next to Bob. Once again Bob says, \"Tickle your ass with a feather?\" Smiling, the blonde says, \"Yeah!\" So Bob and the blonde leave. Two hours later, Bob comes back to the bar and there still sits Rex just where Bob had left him. By this time Rex is three sheets to the wind. Rex says to Bob, \"tell me how you do it. How do you get these women to leave with you?\" Bob explains that he uses the same line on every woman. \"All you do is say tickle your ass with a feather.\" \"If they smile or say yes, you\'re home free.\" He goes on, \"But if they\'re shocked, you say particularly nasty weather.\" Rex is now eager to try this approach. Soon a redhead walks in and sits down next to him. \"Stick a feather up your ass?\" he says to her. Shocked, she angrily responds, \"EXCUSE ME?\" Rex says, \"Sorry, it\'s f*cking raining out.\"

    A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune- teller\'s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. \"Ah.....\" said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. \"I see you are the father of two children.\" \"That\'s what you think,\" said the man scornfully. \"I\'m the father of THREE children.\" The woman grinned and said, \"That\'s what YOU think.\"

    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: \"For Women Only\". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. \"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It\'s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what\'s inside.\" So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: \"All the men here have it short and thin.\" The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: \"All the men here have it long and thin.\" Still, this isn\'t good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: \"All the men here have it short and thick.\" They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: \"All the men here have it long and thick.\" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: \"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.\"

    One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. \"It\'s certainly not a ship,\" he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, \"How long has it been since you\'ve had a cigarette?\" \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, \"Man, oh man!\" \"Is that ever good!\" She then asks him, \"How long has it been since you\'ve had a sip of bourbon?\" Trembling, he replies, \"Ten Years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, \"Wow, that\'s absolutely fantastic!\" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, \"And how long has it been since you\'ve played around?\" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, \"Oh sweet Lord God!\" \"Don\'t tell me you\'ve got golf clubs in there!\"



    ...and thats enough for today children.

  18. #18
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    The name of that one should have been \"Men\'s Dilemma\" It\'s so truuuuue! It\'s soooo truuuuue!! It\'s been like that for ages! Eve started this crap!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]



  19. #19
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Well, don\'t look at me. I\'m a daughter of Lillith, not of Eve. [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

    Bet you can relate to this one - I sure can ...

    Every \"Hormone Hostage\" knows that there are days in the month when all a
    man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

    This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver\'s license in the
    wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

    DANGEROUS: What\'s for dinner?
    SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
    SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


    DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
    SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
    SAFEST: Here\'s fifty dollars.


    DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
    SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
    SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!


    DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
    SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
    SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


    DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
    SAFER: I hope you didn\'t overdo it today.
    SAFEST: I\'ve always loved you in that robe.



    Top 10 Things PMS Stands For:
    1 Pass My Shotgun
    2 Pack My Stuff
    3 Perpetual Munching Spree
    4 Puffy Mid Section
    5 People Make Me Sick
    6 Provide Me with Sweets
    7 Pardon My Sobbing
    8 Pimples May Surface
    9 Plainly; Men Suck
    10 Please; More Salt

    Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


    A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
    Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
    don\'t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for
    THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they
    wouldn\'t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they\'ve been
    in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle
    of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on
    to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
    AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
    BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT\'S A WONDER WE HAVEN\'T ALL
    SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE
    ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!


    I\'m sorry.... What did you ask me?

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    So there is truth somewhere deep inside you [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] All you\'ve said is....It\'s \"tuff\" being a man [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Oh, that\'s right, I forgot. It\'s all about YOU. lol

    Yes, dear, so tough for you, sweetie. There, there.


  22. #22
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Hey, I have a Forum Site that I have the same \"Topic\" and I have a poll question on there feel free to observe it, and take a vote on the Riddle, and feel free to express the same you\'ve done on this \"Topic\" too!!!!!!

    Just can\'t get enough laughes, and it really makes a person day just reading each one, and add-in the funniest moments that ever happened too you!!!!!!!

    Forum Site: Daimondrocks.suddenlaunch2.com

  23. #23
    Phero Dude
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Dear Abby,

    I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

    My fiancee\'s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

    When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
    that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

    I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...:

    There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

    He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

    Abby, should I tell my fiancee\' what her parents did, and that I thought their \"little test\" was asinine and insulting to my character?

    Or

    Should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


  24. #24
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    That was cool Proteus!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

    \"ALL FAILURES ARE NOT THAT BAD\"

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.

    The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\"

    The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Priest.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest. The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\"

    The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.

    The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.

    \"What happened?\" inquired the priest. \"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"

    \"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church\" stated the priest.

    \"We know,\" said the young man. \"We\'re not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either.\"

    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    \"RETIREMENT IS REALLY NOT THAT BAD\"

    It was mailman George\'s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he\'d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup\'s bottom edge.

    \"All this is just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what\'s the dollar for?\"

    \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, \"Screw him! Give him a dollar!\'\"

    \"Breakfast was my idea.\"

    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] Tater!!!

  26. #26
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    When driving home lateone night a man approaches a stop sign at an intersection on a road in the middle of nowhere, so instead of stopping he decides to slow down to about 10 just in case, and then zip on through the intersection. Well today there is another car, it\'s a police car.
    He gets the usual \"lic. and reg.\" questions and the officer tells him he\'s getting a ticket for a rolling stop. THe man argues and says that\'s ridiculous as he slowed enough to verify the intersection was clear and proceeded, so it\'s essentially the same thing. The officer objects, saying that it is not the same thing.
    After a heated philosophical debate about road safety, and the fact that the cop has had just about enough of this civvie she asks him to step out of the car and proceeds to beat the living s*** out of him.
    She then asks the poor guy whether he wants her to stop the beating or merely slow down.

    Told to me by an 8 year old......

  27. #27
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    ifrwizard! where you been, nice to see you?

    good joke.

  28. #28
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, \"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What\'s the matter with you?\"

    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, \"I don\'t care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.\"

    The husband said, \"What did he say about your 55 year old ass?\"

    \"Oh, honey, your name never even came up,\" she replied.

  29. #29
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    \"MY WIFE! MY BIRTHDAY!....AT A STRIP CLUB\"

    Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, \"Hey, Dave, how ya doing?\"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he\'s been to this club before. \"Oh no,\" says Dave. \"He\'s on my bowling team.\"

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he\'d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, \"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser\".

    \"No, honey, she\'s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.\"

    A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. \"Hi Davey,\" she says, \"Want your usual table dance?\"

    Dave\'s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.\"

    HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

  30. #30
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    Default Re: Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

    Subject: Homilies of the Day

    1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won\'t bother you for weeks.

    2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can\'t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, \"Well, that\'s not going to happen.\"

    4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

    6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

    7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they\'re a bunch of liars.

    8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

    11. In the 60\'s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

    14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you\'re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let\'s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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