Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"GOVERNMENT...ITS TRUE MEANING\"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home, he went up to his dad and ask him what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, \'\'Look at it this way son: I\'m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future.\'\'

\'\'I still don\'t get it\'\' responded the Little Johnny.\'\' Why don\'t you sleep on it then? Maybe you\'ll understand it better,\'\' said the dad.

\'\'Okay then...good night\'\' said Little Jonny, and he went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother\'s crying. He went to his baby brother\'s crib, and found that his baby brother had taken a dump in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent\'s room to get help. When he got to his parent\'s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn\'t there. So he went to the maid\'s room. When he looked through the maid\'s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with the maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, \'\'OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of [censored]!\'\'

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[MOBLEYC57]

\"DRUNKS WITH CHANGE\"

One night there was these two drunks, and they were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, \"Hey, I\'ve got an idea - we put our money together and buy a sausage.\" The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, \"What the hell!? I\'m not hungry! I don\'t want a sausage, I want a damn drink!\"

The first drunk says, \"I know!! We buy the sausage, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us to pay our tab, you drop to your knees and and start sucking on the sausage like you\'re blowing me - and the bartender will throw us out and we won\'t have to pay for anything!\"

The second drunk says, \"Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me. What the hell! I need a drink!!\"

So they buy the sausage and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, and order two whiskeys. After about an hour and 10 drinks between them, the bartender tells them to pay up, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the sausage. The bartender throws them out and yells, \"don\'t you homos ever come back here again!!\".

After about 15 bars, the second drunk says, \"Hey man!!! We\'ve got to switch places \'cause my knees are killing me from dropping to the floor.\"

The first drunk says, \"That\'s a damn good idea cause I\'m sore as hell!\"

The second drunk ask, \"What! Your fingers sore from pulling down your zipper!?\"

The first drunk replies, \"No...I lost the sausage after the second bar!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[MOBLEYC57]

THE DOG\'S DOINGS!!!

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, \"How have things been going?\"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y tells the first guy, \"I....w..a..s....a..l..m..o..s..t....m..a..r..r.. i..e..d.\"

The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey! you don\'t stutter any more.\"

The answer comes, \" Y..e..s,....I....w..e..n..t....t..o....a.... d..o..c..t..o..r....a..n..d....h..e....t..o..l..d. ...m..e....t..h..a..t....i..f....I....s..p..e..a.. k....s..l..o..w..l..y....I....w..i..l..l....n..o.. t.... s..t..u..t..t..e..r.

\"The first friend congratulates him, and than asks again about how he was almost married.\"

W..e..l..l....m..y....f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n. .d....I....w..e..r..e.... s..i...t..t..i..n..g....o..n....h..e..r....p..o..r ..c..h....a..n..d.... t..h..e....d..o..g....w..a..s....s..c..r..a..t..c. .h..i..n..g....h..i..s.... b..a..c..k....a..n..d....I....t..o..l..d....h..e.. r....t..h..a..t.... w..h..e..n....w..e....a..r..e....m..a..r..r..i..e. .d....s..h..e.... c..a..n....d..o....t..h..a..t....f..o..r....m..e.. ..a..n..d ....s..h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....t..h..e....r..i..n..g....i..n.... m..y....f..a..c..e.\"

\"Why in the hell would she throw the ring in your face for saying something like that?\" asks the first friend.\"

W..e..l..l....I....s..p..e..a..k....s..o....s..l.. o..w..l..y,.... t..h..a..t....b..y....t..h..e....t..i..m..e....s.. h..e.... l..o..o..k..e..d....a..t....t..h..e....d..o..g,... .h..e....w..a..s.... l..i..c..k..i..n..g....h..i..s....b..a..b..a..l..l ..s.\"

HA! HA! CHUCKLE! CHUCKLE! CHUCKLE! HA! HA! HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING! TATER! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Happy Halloween!

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won\'t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, \"I have a question to ask you but I don\'t want to offend you.\" She answers: \"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you\'re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I\'m sure that there\'s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.\" \"Well, I\'ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.\" She responds, \"Well, let\'s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic.\" The cab driver is very excited and says, \"Yes, I am single and I\'m Catholic too!\" The nun says, \"OK, pull into the next alley.\" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. \"My dear child.\" said the nun, \"Why are you crying?\" \"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I\'m married and a I\'m a Baptist.\" The nun says, \"That\'s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.\"

[MOBLEYC57]

HAPPY BOO DAY ALL!!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

\"EYES WIRED SHUT\"

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, \"What the hell, I\'ll try it.\"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn\'t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway . He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to choke his chicken. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut, continued to choke his chicken, and replied, \"What!!?\"

He heard the voice say, \"This is the police. What the hell is going on down there Sir!?\"

The man replied, \"I\'m checking out the rear axle if you don\'t mind, it\'s busted!\"

The police replied, \"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you\'re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago Mister!!\"

HOPE YOUR BOO DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! AND GIVE THE KIDS MORE THAN ONE PIECE OF CANDY!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!

[CptKipling]

ROTFLMAO!!

Happy Halloween!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"BE WARE ONCE IN HELL\'S GATE\"

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, \"Welcome my child! You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They\'ll go to heaven and you\'ll take over until somebody decides they want to switch with you. So go on my son, pick a room.\"

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a gorgeous naked woman.

The man with one the biggest smiles you ever seen, says, \"I choose this room! Oh yeah!! If I could go back to earth, I\'d kick my parents ass for lying to me about how bad boys go to hell, and never get to have any fun! Hell\'s not that bad!!!\"

\"Very well,\" the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

\"You can go now. I\'ve found you\'re replacement.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"A BLONDE BOMB\"

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, \"But I don\'t have any money, and I\'d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.\"

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). \"Anything?\" he asked.

\"Yes, yes, anything!\" the blonde promised.

\"Well, then, just follow me,\" said the man, as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. \"Come in and close the door\", the man said. She did.

He then said, \"Now get on your knees.\" She did.

\"Now take down my zipper.\" She did.

\"Now go ahead ... take it out ...\" he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, \"Well .... go ahead.\"

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it. While holding it close to her lips, she tentatively said, \"Hello!!, mom can you hear me?\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"CLEANSING HOLY WATER\"

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, \"Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??\"

The nun giggles and replies, \"Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.\" St Peter says, \"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.\"

St Peter asks the next nun the same question, \"Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?\"

The nun is a little reluctant but reply\'s, \"Well I once fondled and stroked one.\"

St Peter says, \"OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.\"

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion from the back of the line of nuns. One nun is talking and pushing her way to the front of the line. When she finally reaches the front of the line St Peter says, \"Sister! Sister! What seems to be the your major rush!!??\"

The nun reply\'s, \"If I\'m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!\"


HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!!!

[**DONOTDELETE**]

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. \"Why are all the blinds closed?\" he asked the doctor.

\"Well,\" the surgeon responded, \"They\'re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn\'t want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.\"

[xxxPantero]

http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.swf

ORGASMS around the world!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"CONDOMS PACKAGED FOR A REASON\"

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, \"Well son, those are condoms and they\'re for protection when you\'re having sex.\"

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, \"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\"

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, \"Why six?\"

The dad replies, \"Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.\"

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, \"Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....\"


HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Q: What\'s the bird of peace?
A: The dove

Q: What\'s the bird of death?
A: The raven

Q: What\'s the bird of love?
A: The swallow

[MOBLEYC57]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: \"What\'s up with the jar?\"

Bartender: \"Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.\"

Man: \"What are the three tests?\"

Bartender: \"Pay first. Those are the rules.\"

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: \"OK, here\'s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can\'t make a face while doing it. Second, there\'s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who\'s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.\"

Man: \"Well, I know I\'ve paid my ten bucks but I\'m not an idiot; I won\'t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get even crazier from there.\"

Bartender: \"Your call. But your money stays in the jar.\"

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, \"Heyyyy fat boooy! Wherez zat dammm teeqeelah!? Dat monezzzzzzzz mine tanight! Ain\'t no bout adoubt it!!\"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn\'t make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear the dog barking and the man screaming, the dog growling and yelping, and growling and yelping, then eventually silence.

Just when they thought the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped, bite marks, and big scratches all over his body.

\"NOW,\" he says, \"Where\'s that woman with the sore tooth?

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] TATER!!

[Xehupatl]

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don\'t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife\'s face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

[Xehupatl]

Actual \'Dear God\' Letters From Children


Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don\'t You just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don\'t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I\'m not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn\'t sound right.

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I\'ll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn\'t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

[Xehupatl]

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What do I do if one of my active files becomes corrupted?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What\'s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don\'t shake it.

[Elana]

\"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident\"

LMAO [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img] Those are so funny

[Xehupatl]

Actual T-Shirt Slogans


\"Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up\"
\"That\'s It! I\'m Calling Grandma!\" (seen on an 8 year old)

\"Procrastinate Now.\"

\"Rehab Is for Quitters.\"

\"My Dog Can Lick Anyone.\"

\"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?\"

\"Party - My Crib - Two A.M.\" (on a baby-size shirt)

\"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I\'ve Been Doing Since I Was 15.\"

\"West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.\"

\"I\'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I\'VE GOT A GUN.\"

\"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!\"

\"They call it \'PMS\' because \'Mad Cow Disease\' was already taken.\"

\"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.\"

\"Time\'s fun when you\'re having flies.......Kermit the Frog.\"

\"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN-Cops have nothing to go on.\"

\"Heck Is Where People Go Who Don\'t Believe In Gosh.\"

\"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we\'re through with it.\"

\"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.\"

\"HAM AND EGGS - A day\'s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.\"

\"The trouble with life is there\'s no background music.\"

\"If There Is No God, Who Pops Up The Next Kleenex?\"

\"Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!\"

\"NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.\"

\"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.\"

\"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn\'t.\"

[Xehupatl]

just one more for now [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]


Various Newspaper Headlines


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn\'t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

[Xehupatl]

okok I couldn\'t keep that one to myself:

Funny Signs


Plumber: \"We repair what your husband fixed.\"
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: \"Invite us to your next blowout.\"

Sign at the psychic\'s hotline: \"Don\'t call us, we\'ll call you.\"

At a towing company: \"We don\'t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.\"

Billboard on the side of the road: \"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.\"

In a nonsmoking area: \"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"

On maternity room door: \"Push, Push, Push.\"

At an optometrists office \"If you don\'t see what your looking for you\'ve come to the right place.\"

On a taxidermist\'s window: \"We really know our stuff.\"

In a foot doctors office: \"Time wounds all heels.\"

On a Butchers window: \"Let me meat your needs.\"

On a fence: \"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.\"

At a car dealership: \"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.\"

Outside a muffler shop: \"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.\"

Outside a hotel: \"Help! We need inn-experienced people.\"

On a desk in a reception room: \"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.\"

In a veterinarians waiting room: \"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!\"

On the door of a computer store: \"Out for a quick byte.\"

In a restaurant window: \"Don\'t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.\"

Inside a bowling alley: \"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.\"

In the front yard of a funeral home: \"Drive carefully, we\'ll wait.\"

In a counselors office: \"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

[MOBLEYC57]

\"I DIDN\'T WANNA JUMP\"

A young man joined the Special Forces and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally had to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
\"So, did you jump?\" the father asked. \"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the \'plane!\"

\"Is that when you jumped?\" asked the father.
\"Um, er, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and threw them out the door.\"
\"Did you jump then?\" asked the father.

\"I\'m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the \'plane or he\'d kick my ass.\"
\"So, did you jump?\"

\"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door with my GI Joe Kunfu grip, and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stones. He said to me, \'Boy!, are you going to jump or not!!?\' I said, \'No Sir. I\'m too scared!\' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear!, it was about ten or twelve inches long! He said, \'Boy!, either you jump out of that door, or I\'m sticking this up your pooter!\' \"

\"So, did you jump?\" asked the father.

\"Well, I jumped a little, at first.\"


HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[**DONOTDELETE**]

A man is walking along when all of a sudden God appears to him.
God says to the man \"you are a good and righteous man, I will give you one wish - you can have whatever you want\"
The man replies \"well God, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I\'m too afraid to fly, and I can\'t stand being at sea\"
\"God could you make a bridge from california to Waikiki\"? He asks.
God replies \"Do you have any idea how much steel and concrete that would require?!?! It\'s nearly impossible, please choose another wish\"
The man thinks about it and says \"God - I\'ve never been able to understand women; how to make them happy, what makes them tick... if you give me the ability to understand women that would be as good as a bridge to Hawaii\"
God replies \"so was that a four lane bridge or a six lane bridge?\"

- Anonymous ol\' salty sea captain down on the wharf.

[MOBLEYC57]

\"LOTION ANYONE!!?\"

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Poker says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not thinking or bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he steps to the side, stands against the wall, and freezes like he\'s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. \"Oh look,\" says the first nun...\"It\'s a soap dispenser, but how on earth did they make it so that it would hardend from touch?\" To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his tool...and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap, and his noodle saluted proudly, as if someone had played the national athem. The third nun, blushing, curious, and feeling devilish, decides to have a go. She pulls once, twice, three times, and then four, but nothing happens. \"Look at it!\" she says, while blushing, \"It\'s so hard!!\"

Amazed and turned on from the sight, she tries once more, and to her delight, she yells...\"Oh look!! Hand lotion!\" [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"TEACHERS REALLY ARE SMART!!\"

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow\'s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student\'s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, \"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?\"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When order is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, \"In your case Mister All That!!, you\'ll have to show up anyway -- you\'ll just have to figure out how to write with your OTHER hand.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"BLONDES REALLY DO HAVE MORE FUN!\"

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks, \"can you handle it?\" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss\'s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, \"How much for the white dildo?\" He answers, \"$35.\"

She: \"How much for the black one?\" He: \"$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.\"

She: \"I think I\'ll take the black one. I\'ve never had a black one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks \"How much for the black dildo?\" He: \"$35.\"

She: \"How much for the white one?\" He: \"$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.\"

She: \"Hmmm...I think I\'ll take the white one. I\'ve never had a white one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, \"How much are your dildos?\" He: \"$35 for the white, $35 for the black.\"

She: \"Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?\" He: \"Well, that\'s a very special dildo...it\'ll cost you $165.\"

She thinks for a moment and answers, \"I\'ll take the plaid one, I\'ve never had a plaid one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy\'s boss returns and asks, \"How did you do while I was gone?\" To which the salesman responded, \"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, and one black dildo for an input of $70. But then I sold your thermos for $165!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"THEY DON\'T PLAY IN CATHOLIC SCHOOLS\"

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn\'t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: \"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?\"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head \"No\".

\"Well then\", she replies, \"was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?\".

Little Johnny looks at her and says, \"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren\'t fooling around.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAD YOU SMILING!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"DON\'T DRINK AND WALK\"

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat smack on his face.

\"Maybe all I need is some damn fresh air,\" thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

\"What the!!? Screw it!!,\" he thought. \"I\'ll just crawl my ass on home!!\"

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep, and snoring loudly.

She kicks him, and screams, \"You went out drinking last night, didn\'t you!!? You idiot!!\"

\"Uh, um, er, yes,\" he said sheepishly. \"How did you know that my darling?\"

\"You left your damn wheelchair at the bar again!!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!

[Lucky]

These are Great!!!

[MOBLEYC57]

\"THIS WEEK\'S SPECIAL!!\"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn\'t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he\'d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, \'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.\'

The priest asks, \'What did you do?\'

The woman says, \'I committed adultery.\'

The priest says, \'How many times?\'

And the woman replies, \'Three.\'

Priest: \'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.\'

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, \'Father forgive me for I have sinned.\'

\'What did you do?\'

‘I committed adultery.\'

\'How many times?\'

\'Three times.\'

The priest says, \'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he\'s got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, \'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.\'

The rabbi says, \'What did you do?\'

The woman replies, \'I committed adultery.\'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, \'How many times?\'

The woman replies, \'Once.\'

The rabbi said, \'Go and do it two more times, say two Hail Mary’s, and then sin no more. We have a special this week, three for $5.\'

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING....ANNNNND GET SOME SUNSHINE ON YOUR FACE!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Tater!!!