A good laugh (and lesson) to start your week...





A man was being tailgated

by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the

right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the

intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her

chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she

heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to

exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,

photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the

door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal

effects.




[/

FONT]He said, 'I'm very sorry for this

mistake
. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in

front of you, and cussing a

blue

streak
at

him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'

bumper

sticker
, the

'Choose

Life'


license plate

holder
, the

'Follow Me to

Sunday-School


'
bumper

sticker
, and

the

chrome-plated[/

B]


Christian fish

emblem
on the

trunk;

naturally...
I

assumed you had stolen the

car
.'


[SIZE=6][/S

IZE]




[SIZE=6][FONT

=Tahoma]C
lean

can be funny.




One

day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and

you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.





**************************************************


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and

ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the

lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I

pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get

out.'



[COLO

R=blue]****** ********************************************


[B

]Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a

husband.

*********************

*****************************



[COLO

R=blue]A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to

take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C

Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know

the guy.'


[B

]**************************************************


[/B]
[/C

OLOR]
Mother

Superior
called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the

convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of

chardonay.'



[COLO

R=blue]



***

***********************************************
[COLO

R=black]

[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
A wife was making a breakfast

of fried eggs for her

husband.


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
Suddenly, her husband burst

into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my

GOD!


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
You're cooking too many at

once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE

are


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to

STICK!


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be

CAREFUL! You NEVER

listen


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always

forget to salt them. Use the

salt.


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The

wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm

driving.'


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
******************************

********************


[COLOR=blue]

[/COLOR

]
Fifty-one years ago, Herman

James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued

him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a

toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock

strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51

years.


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]
******************************

********************


[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR

]




Military Axioms-from Paul


















'If

the enemy is in range, so are you.'



- Infantry

Journal



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly

over the area you just bombed.'



-[B

]

[/B]U.S.[/FON

T]


Air Force Manual


----------- --------- ---------

---------

'Whoever said the

pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'



- General MacArthur
<

b>------------ --------- ---- -----

---------



'You, you, and you: panic. The rest of you,

come with me.'



- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery

Sgt.



------ ------ --------- ---------

---------



'Tracers work both

ways.'


[COLOR=maroon]-[/COLOR

]


U.S.[/CO

LOR]
Army

Ordnance



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -

Infantry Journal



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'Any ship can be a minesweeper.

Once.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have

nothing to do.'



- Unknown Marine

Recruit



------------ --------- --------- ---------

---------

'If you see a

bomb technician running, keep up with him.'

-


USAF[/FON

T]
Ammo Troop


------------ --------- ---------

---------



'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,

I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'You've never been lost until you've been lost at

Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'The only time you have too much fuel is when

you're on fire.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'If the wings are traveling faster than the

fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'When one engine fails on a twin-engine

airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the

crash.'

< FONT face=Tahoma color=#002f80 size=5>------------

--------- --------- ---------

'Even

with


amm

unition, the


USAF[/

COLOR]
is just another expensive flying

club.'



----------- --------- ---------

---------



'What is the similarity between air traffic

controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot

dies.'



------------ --------- --------- ---------

---------





'Never

trade luck f or skill.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



The three most common expressions or famous last

words in aviation are:



'Why

is it doing that?'



'Where are

we?'



and


'Oh

Shit!'



----------- --------- ---------

---------



'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are

always needed to successfully complete the flight.'



------------ --------- --------- ---------

-

<

B>'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;



we never left one up

there!'



----------- --------- ---------

---------



'Flying the airplane is more important than

radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about

it.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in

the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test

pilot)



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'There is no reason to fly through a

thunderstorm in peacetime.'



Sign over squadron ops desk at

Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,

it's about to.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



'You know that your landing gear is up and

locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'



------------ --------- ---------

---------



As the test pilot climbs out of the

experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer

sees a bloodied pilot and asks,



'What

happened?'



The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just

got here myself!'



-

A

ttributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test

pilot)




[SIZE=2]


Choosing a

wife









A man wanted to get married.

He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to

see what they do with the

money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys

several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be m ore

attractive for him because she loves him so

much.


[F

ONT=Papyrus]
[FONT

=Papyrus]

The man was

impressed.









The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts .

She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents

these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so

much.





n
Again, the man is

impressed.









The third invests the money in the stock

market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint

account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so

much.


[F

ONT=Papyrus]
[FONT

=Papyrus]

Obviously, the man was

impressed.









The man thought for a long time about what each

woman had done with the money he'd given

her.
[SIZE=2]

[/S

IZE]

[/FONT

]




Then, he married the one with the biggest

boobs.




Men are like that, you

know.
[SIZE=2]

[/

SIZE]

There is more money being spent on

breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large

elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with

them.

[/SI

ZE]
[B][/

B]

Which Type Of Woman Is Yours?


HARD-DISK

Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.




RAM Woman:She

forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.



WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.





EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use

for

your four basic needs.


SCREENSAVER Woman:She

is good for nothing but at least she is fun!



INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access.



SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need

her.



MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look

beautiful.



CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.




E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.



VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not

expecting, luvs u.









[/SI

ZE][/FONT]