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  1. #1
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    Exclamation GROSS: The Chili

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    Ladies, you may wanna

    skip this one. Not for the weak-at-heart.

    From my Canadian buddy ... they look at life differently ...



    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see,

    the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to

    $h!t yourself'
    chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written

    guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing.

    I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

    No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract,

    I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as

    thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely

    set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.



    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in

    for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit

    me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about! I'm referring to that, 'Uh

    oh, gotta go'
    pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom

    they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could

    take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers

    fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in

    a noxious cloud, the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more

    of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and

    I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me

    do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to

    dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor

    woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of

    odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and

    waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees screaming, "Somebody! Anybody! Help! Get

    it off me!"
    This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When

    you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw

    an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few

    folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly,

    things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms , laying

    down a cloud the whole time praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck

    was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating

    above the toilet seat because my a$$ is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the

    middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,

    'Sonavabeetch!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom , reacquired my

    partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir,

    you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The

    manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'




    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back

    pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',then

    ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked

    none-too-kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but

    leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore

    about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the

    store!
    Last edited by MOBLEYC57; 06-22-2008 at 08:10 PM.
    Never argue with ignorant people! They pull you down to THEIR level, and then they BEAT YOU with experience. Who said that!? I don't know, but tis gold I tell'ya!!

  2. #2
    Moderator idesign's Avatar
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    From the height of scent in the

    nicest colognes to the nastiest olfactory assault, you can always be counted on to bring

    relevant information to the forum. Conflatuations!


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