I'm dizzy now.
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use
the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult
movie channels.
I can't sit down on the
hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last
washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. Although cell phone
usage may be taking the number one spot.
Eating a
Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the
one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope
that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no
longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot
day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your
concern I never drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I don't drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God'
on their
cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me
know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at
Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica[C
OLOR=#339965],
[/COLOR]Uganda[CO
LOR=#339965],
[/COLOR]Singapore
and
Uzbekistan[COLOR=#339965
].[/COLOR]
I no longer buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it
bites my butt
off.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there
by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy
gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this
e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the
way.....
A German scientist from
Argentina[COLOR
=black], after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.
[/COLOR]Don't bother taking it off
now, it's too late.
Never argue with ignorant people! They pull you down to THEIR level, and then they BEAT YOU with experience. Who said that!? I don't know, but tis gold I tell'ya!!
I'm dizzy now.
"The whole world must learn of our peaceful ways, by force!"
...and paralyzed from the mouse
up.
You're welcome.
And don't
forget the insect parts in the peanut butter...
and the rat droppings that you thought was sausage on your
pizza...
and...
The opposite of love isn't hate.
It's apathy.
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