I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the

past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use

the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult

movie channels.

I can't sit down on the

hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has


happened on it since it was last

washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who

has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. Although cell phone

usage may be taking the number one spot.

Eating a

Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed

over the years.




I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed

it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!




I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the

one about poop in the


glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet

sponge with every envelope


that needs

sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can

I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is

about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will

change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their

special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul

because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no

longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though

I smell like a water


buffalo on a hot

day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only

get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your

concern I never drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone

along to watch the car


so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when

I'm pumping gas.




I don't drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people

who make these


products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under

God'


on their

cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave

because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me

know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for

life.




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

because I could be pricked


with a needle infected with

AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone

will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are

actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at

Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation

Army.




I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number


for which I will get a phone bill with calls to

Jamaica[C

OLOR=#339965],

[/COLOR]
Uganda[CO

LOR=#339965],

[/COLOR]
Singapore

and

Uzbekistan[COLOR=#339965

].[/COLOR]


I no longer buy expensive cookies

from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

because a big brown


African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me

instant death when it


bites my butt

off.




And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick

up $5.00 dropped in the


parking lot because it probably was placed there

by


a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my

leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy

gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this

e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at

5:00

PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest

your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my

next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's

beautician...




Have a wonderful day....





Oh, by the

way.....


A German scientist from

Argentina[COLOR

=black], after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with

their hand on the mouse.

[/COLOR]
Don't bother taking it off

now, it's too late.