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  1. #1
    King of the coupons!
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Rep Power

    Thumbs up Thank yous all very much!

    I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the

    past year.

    Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

    I can't use

    the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult

    movie channels.

    I can't sit down on the

    hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has

    happened on it since it was last


    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who

    has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. Although cell phone

    usage may be taking the number one spot.

    Eating a

    Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed

    over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed

    it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

    I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the

    one about poop in the

    glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet

    sponge with every envelope

    that needs


    Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can

    I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is

    about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will

    change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their

    special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul

    because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

    I no

    longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though

    I smell like a water

    buffalo on a hot


    Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only

    get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your

    concern I never drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone

    along to watch the car

    so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when

    I'm pumping gas.

    I don't drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people

    who make these

    products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under


    on their


    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave

    because it causes cancer.

    And thanks for letting me

    know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for


    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

    because I could be pricked

    with a needle infected with


    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone

    will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are

    actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

    I no longer shop at

    Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation


    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

    me to dial a number

    for which I will get a phone bill with calls to









    I no longer buy expensive cookies

    from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

    because a big brown

    African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me

    instant death when it

    bites my butt


    And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick

    up $5.00 dropped in the

    parking lot because it probably was placed there


    a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my


    I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy

    gas from certain gas companies!

    If you don't send this

    e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at


    this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest

    your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my

    next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's


    Have a wonderful day....

    Oh, by the


    A German scientist from


    =black], after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with

    their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off

    now, it's too late.
    Never argue with ignorant people! They pull you down to THEIR level, and then they BEAT YOU with experience. Who said that!? I don't know, but tis gold I tell'ya!!

  2. #2
    Phero Dude Surreal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Rep Power


    I'm dizzy now.

    "The whole world must learn of our peaceful ways, by force!"

  3. #3
    Moderator idesign's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Middle Kingdom
    Rep Power


    ...and paralyzed from the mouse


  4. #4
    Phero Guru Rbt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Midwest US
    Rep Power


    You're welcome.

    And don't

    forget the insect parts in the peanut butter...

    and the rat droppings that you thought was sausage on your


    The opposite of love isn't hate.
    It's apathy

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