For

Your Information and Future Use.



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for

suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer

across
the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had
carefully set in the corner where

nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench
with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in

about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in

their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too

short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT

SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing

jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms


human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off

bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding

heat
to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather

gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your

hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want

the
bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool

commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC

FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed

your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT

LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack

handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.



BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after

you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE

HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot

to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry

bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the

handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS

SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening

old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be


used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT

SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

slotted
screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to

crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent

part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too

short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object

we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice

through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund

checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that

you will need.


The Information Contained Above Is Not That Of A Sane Man, And Extreme Care Should Be

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