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  1. #1
    Moderator belgareth's Avatar
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    Default tools and their uses

    visit-red-300x50PNG
    For

    Your Information and Future Use.




    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for

    suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
    out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer

    across
    the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had
    carefully set in the corner where

    nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

    workbench
    with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
    calluses from fingers in

    about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in

    their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too

    short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT

    SANDER:

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
    major refinishing

    jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms


    human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
    to influence its course, the more

    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off

    bolt heads. If nothing

    else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding

    heat

    to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES:
    Heavy duty leather

    gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding

    heat to the palm of your

    hand.


    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

    objects in your shop on

    fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want

    the

    bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool

    commonly used to launch wood projectiles for

    testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC

    FLOOR JACK:

    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed

    your

    new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT

    LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

    Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack

    handle.


    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
    A tool ten times harder than any known

    drill bit that snaps neatly off in

    bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.



    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

    good

    aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
    after

    you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


    TWO-TON ENGINE

    HOIST:

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot

    to

    disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
    A very large pry

    bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined

    screwdriver tip on the end opposite the

    handle.


    AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
    See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS

    SCREWDRIVER:

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening

    old-style

    paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be


    used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT

    SCREWDRIVER:

    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

    slotted

    screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to

    crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed

    to remove in order to replace a 50 cent

    part.


    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too

    short.


    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

    as a

    kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object

    we

    are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice

    through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered

    to your front door; works particularly well on

    contents such as seats, vinyl

    records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund

    checks, and

    rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

    use.


    DAMMIT TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

    yelling

    "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
    that

    you will need.



    The Information Contained Above Is Not That Of A Sane Man, And Extreme Care Should Be

    Used While Viewing Any Materials Sent:

    To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

    Thomas Jefferson

  2. #2
    Moderator idesign's Avatar
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    Default

    Have you been peeking in my shop

    window?? I'll get you for this!!

  3. #3
    Moderator belgareth's Avatar
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    Default

    Nah, if I'm going to peep in

    windows it isn't likely to be your shop. There are far more interesting things to see. It's a lot easier to bribe

    others for that type of information.
    To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

    Thomas Jefferson

  4. #4
    Moderator idesign's Avatar
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    Default

    I was wondering where she got

    the money for that slinky new dress, not that I mind, it looks great.

    Did I tell you that we're moving?


  5. #5
    Moderator belgareth's Avatar
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    Default

    I'll get my spies on it right

    away... Remember that big brother is watching.
    To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

    Thomas Jefferson

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