Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket / purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be

short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL...

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the

darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth

between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all

that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?




There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the

directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit

I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance

that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions

said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on

the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the

while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really

and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is

almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

[S

IZE=5]I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to

say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all

that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh,

pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in

through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both

nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and

tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my

face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to

"mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the

floor. A three-second burst would
be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A GUN... That hurt like hell !!!

A

minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a not relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what

little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had

been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a

significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[/SIZE]



If you think Education is difficult, try being

stupid...