Deep Thoughts: by Jack Handy



One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a

wooden stake.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm

using blanks.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that

gets old real fast.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put

on my pants.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be

something different.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it,

little friend.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if

he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

One thing

kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove

him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that

deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting

pretty late.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about

getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate

revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If

you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too,

because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that

will really throw you into a panic.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they

don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just

woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"


More deep thoughts by

Jack Handy.