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  1. #1
    King of the coupons!
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    Talking T.G.I.F. Dammit!

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    Howdy!

    FORTUNE COOKIE WISE ONE SAY


    “Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.”


    “Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to

    Bangkok.”

    “Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

    “Man who scratch ass should not bite

    fingernails.”

    “Man who eat many prunes get good run for

    money.”

    “Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot

    walk.”

    “War does not determine who is right, war determine who is

    left.”

    “Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat

    house.”

    “Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at

    night.”

    “It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill

    it.”

    “Man who drive like hell, bound to get

    there.”

    Man who stand on toilet is high on

    pot.”

    “Man who live in glass house should change clothes in

    basement.”

    “Man who fish in other man's well often catch

    crabs.”

    “Man who fart in church sit in own

    pew.”

    “Crowded elevator smell different to

    midget.”

    “Man that cooks carrots and pees in same pot, very unsanitary.”


    A

    SMART BLIND MAN!


    A blind guy walks into a barroom and

    finds a stool at the bar.
    "Hey, want to hear a really great

    blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his

    drink.


    The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left

    leans over and says in a low voice:


    "Before you tell that

    joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is
    blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right

    is
    6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his

    right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a
    wrestler. We're all

    blonds. Think about it, Pal. Do you really wanna tell that joke!?"


    The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nawh, not if I'm gonna have to explain it

    five
    times."

    GOOD ADVICE!

    Dorothy and Edna two "senior"

    widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.




    Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date. I know that you went

    out with him last
    week, and I wanted to talk with

    you about him before I give him my answer."




    Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment

    punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he

    takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes

    me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a

    show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are

    coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy! He tears off my expensive new dress and

    has his way with me … three times!"




    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! ... So you are telling me I shouldn't go

    out with him?"


    Edna: "Dear no! No! No! No! I'm just saying … wear an old

    dress."


    A DANGEROUS COCK STORY!



    A farmer has about two hundred hens but no rooster and he wants chicks.

    So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he's got a rooster.




    The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this

    great rooster named Waldo, he'll serve every chicken you got no problem."




    Well Waldo rooster is a lot of money, but the

    farmer decides he's worth it. So, he buys Waldo.

    The farmer takes Waldo home and sets him down in the barnyard

    and gives the rooster a pep talk. "Waldo, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service

    here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the

    farmer said with a chuckle.


    Waldo said

    nothing, but seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Waldo took off like a shot

    ~WHAM~ He bangs every hen in there THREE or FOUR

    times and the farmer is just shocked.


    Waldo

    runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake

    ~WHAM~ He bangs all the geese.



    Waldo's up in the pigpen.



    He's in with the cows. Waldo’s pounding every

    animal the farmer owns.
    The farmer is distraught,

    worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.




    Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find

    Waldo dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard with Buzzards are circling about ten feet

    overhead.


    The farmer, saddened by his loss of

    such a colorful animal shakes his head and says, "Oh Waldo, I told you to pace yourself!

    I tried to get you to slow down, now look what

    you've done to yourself."


    Waldo opens one eye,

    looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says,


    "Shhhhhhh!! Take your ass back inside, dammit! They're getting closer ..."



    HAVE A GREAT DAY!

    Never argue with ignorant people! They pull you down to THEIR level, and then they BEAT YOU with experience. Who said that!? I don't know, but tis gold I tell'ya!!

  2. #2
    Bad Motha Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MOBLEYFIED
    “Crowded

    elevator smell different to midget.”


    Redd Foxx, Live & Dirty Vol. 1.
    If a guy's a cocksucker in his life, when he dies, he don't become a saint. - Morris Levy, Hitmen

    Holmes' Theme Song

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