Systems Analyst

[Resolution]

Dear Systems

Analyst,

I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

and
found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also
took up a lot of space and valuable

resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
Installs itself into all other

programs and launches during systems
initialization,where it monitors all other system activities. Applications

such as
"Boys'Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run,and crash the system whenever selected.

Attempting to

operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails
and"Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep

Wife
1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.

I am thinking of going

back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing
doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?


... AND THIS

IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic

misunderstanding.
Many Customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife
1.0 is Merely a

UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run

everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0

was not designed to do this and it is
Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system

once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even

more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support
and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself,

I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems

occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME
program and avoid attempting

to use the *Esc-Key.

It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times,and eventually hope

that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high-maintenance programme, can be

very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
software such as" Flowers 2.0"and

"Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES
600.0" or"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithout
The Kids

7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).


DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short

Skirt
Version)
or "OneNight Stand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the

system will almost certainly crash.

BEST OF LUCK!

Your Systems Analyst

[Resolution]

After her business goes bust,

a blonde woman named Sharon finds herself in dire financial trouble – so desperate, in fact, that she resorts to

praying. ‘God, please help me,’ she wails. ‘I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to

lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery.’ Saturday night comes, and Sharon watches aghast as someone else

wins it. Again, she begins to pray: ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my car, and I'm

going to lose my house as well.’ Next Saturday night comes, and Sharon still has no luck. Once again, she prays.

‘God, why haven't you helped me?’ she cries, angrily. ‘I've lost my business, my house, my car and now my children

are starving. I’ve always been a good servant to you – PLEASE let me win the lottery just this once, so I can get my

life back in order.’ Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open above, and Sharon is

confronted with the glowing, ethereal vision of God Himself. ‘Sharon,’ he booms. ‘Meet me halfway on this. Buy a

ticket.’

[Resolution]

Two old guys are

pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about

that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy

says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a

little desperate The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

T he

second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing

short shorts. What does > your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for

yours."

[Resolution]

A blonde, wanting to

earn some extra money, decided to hire

herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do

neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,

and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her

to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he

said, "How much will you charge me?"



The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she

would need

were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she

realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"



The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been

getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're

finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so gave it two

coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way,"

the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Resolution]

Two old ladies were

outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a

condom, cut off the

end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A

condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any

pharmacist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacist and announces to the pharmacist that she

wants a box of condoms. The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80

years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Resolution]

A male co-worker walks up

very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells

nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore. She takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel

department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources

supervisor is puzzled by this decision
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your

hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Paul, the midget."

[Resolution]

A warning for women and

advice for men

This is one Very smart man!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women

differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men

think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown

into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were

getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want

you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet

dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical

needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do

for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next

day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping

at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive

outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said 'lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, where she

picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave

short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she

doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was

almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement; smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,

"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I

don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then

said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial

needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

[Resolution]

A man finds out his wife is

having an affair and full of saddness and anger he hires a hitman.

One day, when he knows his wife is due for a

visit from her lover, the husband and the highly trained sniper walk to a local golf course where they have a

perfect view of the house and sure enough when the hitman looks down his sights into the bedroom he sees the couple

making love.
"i have them in my sights, are you sure you want to go through with this? Its £1000 a bullet"
"yes,

i'm positive i want you to shoot my wife in the head with one shot and take the other mans ***** off with the

second"

The assasin takes careful aim which seems to last for ever then says to the husband "hang on a minute

mate, i think i can do this in one shot"

[Resolution]

A prisoner escapes from his

California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He

finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and

starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his

wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not

seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't

complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will

kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be

strong, honey. I love you too...

[Resolution]

Ths US trade gap soared to to

$55.8B.

Oh, no, that's fact rather than a joke. OK, try this one:




A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A

man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a

beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said,

"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******!

You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your

slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap,

it's started"

[Resolution]

ARE WOMEN HARD TO

PLEASE???

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many

men. It was laid out in five floors,with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule

was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you

couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping

centre to find some husbands...

First floor:

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and

love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I

wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor:

The sign read, "These men have high paying

jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"



Third floor:

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids

and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting. But there was another floor, so further up they

went.

Fourth floor:

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are

extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried,

"Just think what must be waiting us further on!". So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor:



The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f * cking

impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

[Resolution]

My girlfriend and I had been

dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged

me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
thing was her younger

sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She

would regularly bend down when near me, and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

She never
did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check

the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and

she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me

that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in

total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead

with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she

reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,

then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight

toward my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We

are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to

the family!"

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.