The Friendly Skies, Eh?

[MOBLEYC57]

So you think

those pilots don't do crack, do ya!?



"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747

makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown

aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f#cking bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft

transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f#cking bored, not f#cking

stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've

always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



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A student became lost during a solo

cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known

position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had

an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at

the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right

at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter

was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that

had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly

stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger

asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the

engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."



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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance

in Munichoverheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground

(in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying

a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful

British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern

702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."



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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by

the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and

taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a

cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came

back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for

another one."

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The German air controllers at

Frankfurt Airportare renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am

747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign

Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206.

Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate

location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"



Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."



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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the

crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An

irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you

going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed

crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this

out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about

half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US

Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency

fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running

high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you

once?"

You may now move about the country

[DrSmellThis]

Nice post, as always, Mobes.

Thanks.

[CameraGuy]

Nice post,

as always, Mobes. Thanks.

You can say that again Doc, this one was a riot!

Mobley you are a

fantastic writer, I see a future with your writing skills and your flare for outrageous yet safe comedy. I give you

2 thumbs up!