Singles Ads

**Ash** · 06-01-2004, 09:27 AM

My personal LavaLife ad placed in men

seeking women read:

Hansom, athletic built middle age man seeks slim, attractive Females for sex only. Feel

free to use me up and toss me out.. I can be caring and sensitive or a real A-hole if that's what you're looking

for.

Vital stats: I'm 5' 10", 140, blue, auburn with shades of silver/gray. 8X6 1/2. Longest "go" time:

6hrs. Average "go": 3.5 hrs. Expert in oral. References available on request.

I got some very good hits but

all were LD deals and not very workable. It came to me that all I was really looking for at the time was some cheep

online thrills and online sex so I lifted some pics of a very sweet young thing off the Net and ran a new ad in the

Women looking for Women Bi section. I hit serious Pay dirt. Damn, those girls are nasty. My kind of women! It's

easy to get tripped up though when they start asking what size panties you ware.

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by Ash

My personal

LavaLife ad placed in men seeking women read:

Hansom, athletic built middle age man seeks slim, attractive

Females for sex only. Feel free to use me up and toss me out.. I can be caring and sensitive or a real A-hole if

that's what you're looking for.

Vital stats: I'm 5' 10", 140, blue, auburn with shades of silver/gray. 8X6

1/2. Longest "go" time: 6hrs. Average "go": 3.5 hrs. Expert in oral. References available on request.

I got some

very good hits but all were LD deals and not very workable. It came to me that all I was really looking for at the

time was some cheep online thrills and online sex so I lifted some pics of a very sweet young thing off the Net and

ran a new ad in the Women looking for Women Bi section. I hit serious Pay dirt. Damn, those girls are nasty. My kind

of women! It's easy to get tripped up though when they start asking what size panties you ware.

*Ding

Ding Ding* And we have a winner!!!

What do we have for him, Johnny!?!?!?

**Ash** · 06-01-2004, 09:38 AM

If I could, I would like to have the

prize behind Door #3.

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Ash

If I could, I would

like to have the prize behind Door #3.

Let's see what's behind door number three:

*Opens*

*Gasp*

That's right, Ash, a one-year supply of cyber lesbian action!

Come and take a luxurious mental

getaway with the sexy female of your choice and have long, passionate online love affairs with no strings

attached!

Let's see what was behind door number two:

*Sigh of relief*

Yes, you could've had the

standard vacation package of taking care of yourself with downloaded porn and a bottle of lubrication...

...and

what was behind door number one:

*Gasp*

...a billy goat!

Wait, I'm not sure if that was a Let's

Make a Deal "gag-gift" or not in this particular situation...

Well, just be glad you chose door

number three...

**JustPeachy** · 06-01-2004, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Ash

If I could, I would

like to have the prize behind Door #3.

And it's.....

A BRAND NEW MAYTAG WASHER AND DRYER, with 14,000

controls, keeps your silkies silky, and washes out up to 40 pounds of gravy at a time.

Retail Value....$599!

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

And

it's.....

A BRAND NEW MAYTAG WASHER AND DRYER, with 14,000 controls, keeps your silkies silky, and washes out

up to 40 pounds of gravy at a time.

Retail Value....$599!

This prize is better...you can have real

love affairs and include it...

**Ash** · 06-01-2004, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

And it's.....

A BRAND NEW MAYTAG WASHER AND DRYER, with 14,000 controls, keeps your silkies silky, and washes out up to 40

pounds of gravy at a time.

Retail Value....$599!

COOL! Now I have something to wash my

size S panties in.

**JustPeachy** · 06-01-2004, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by Ash

COOL! Now I have

something to wash my size S panties in.

And your goat. Cuz, panties aren't sized like that.

**Sexyredhead** · 06-01-2004, 10:58 AM

Some panties are.

**JustPeachy** · 06-01-2004, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by Sexyredhead

Some

panties are.

Haven't seen 'em that way.

Variations on a theme:

Exotic

Yankee Knight desires Fair Maiden

Looking for a princess to save from the

dragon.

Translation: Highly insecure male wants kinky, troubled

woman for ongoing mind games.

Or

I'm looking for that someone special to share

special moments with. I really like the romance but I love to play too and have a great

time!

Translation: If I give you jewelry, will you bonk me? Isn't that

special?

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Haven't

seen 'em that way.

Variations on a theme:

Exotic Yankee Knight desires Fair

Maiden

Looking for a princess to save from the

dragon.

Translation: Highly insecure male wants kinky, troubled woman for ongoing

mind games.

Or

I'm looking for that someone special to share special

moments with. I really like the romance but I love to play too and have a great time!

Translation: If I give you jewelry, will you bonk me? Isn't that

special?

Yeah, any metaphors mean that they're living in a fantasy world... Good call.

By

the way, is that how it's supposed to work? I usually give jewelry in appreciation of the bonking...

"Well, you've bonked me enough times...I think it's time you wear this diamond ring."

**JustPeachy** · 06-01-2004, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by Pancho1188

Yeah, any

metaphors mean that they're living in a fantasy world... Good call.

Or else they hope the girl is.

By the way, is that how it's supposed to work? I usually give jewelry in appreciation of the

bonking...

"Well, you've bonked me enough times...I think it's time you wear this diamond ring."

Far as I know, the traditional transaction sequence is to give dinner in advance of bonking, flowers

as a thank you for the trial bonk, and then jewelry if the bonking is satisfactory enough to find you still there

when her birthday or Valentine's Day rolls around. Er, I think that's what Miss Manners said...

But

"Special Man" was sounding a bit too desperate to wait around for all that mish-mosh.

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

flowers as a

thank you for the trial bonk

"Trial Bonk"...Classic!

Is that like a test drive?

--Well,

she sure looks like a sweet ride, but can I test her out to see how she handles? I mean, I don't want to rush into

a commitment without knowing how she works those curves.

--We're talking about a car, right?

**Ash** · 06-01-2004, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

And your goat. Cuz,

panties aren't sized like that.

See, I told you it ws easy to get tripped up. *finger icon

from old Forum*

**CJ01** · 06-01-2004, 12:30 PM

Is that like a test

drive?

I love those

testdriving can be so much fun, but sometimes it´s tricky making it clear

that you don´t want to buy, sigh

**Holmes** · 06-01-2004, 12:57 PM

Trial bonking is trickier

still--poker face mandatory.

Btw, I will be your Knight In shining Armour soon as I make bail.

**CJ01** · 06-01-2004, 01:06 PM

Btw, I will be your Knight In

shining Armour soon as I make bail.

you talking to me or Ash or Panch ?

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by CJ01

you talking to me

or Ash or Panch ?

He was talking to you, but if he doesn't make bail, his sights may be turned to me

eventually...

**CJ01** · 06-01-2004, 01:18 PM

He was talking to you, but if

he doesn't make bail, his sights may be turned to me eventually...

NO, not another one changing

starsigns!

I can´t allow this to happen!!
Panch I think you´re the male equilvalant to me sometimes,we

both get the same sex after us

got a plan so we can stop this?

Holmes, when´s your bail due - maybe we

can have a whip round! How much do you need?

**Pancho1188** · 06-01-2004, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by CJ01

NO, not

another one changing starsigns!

I can´t allow this to happen!!
Panch I think you´re the male equilvalant to

me sometimes,we both get the same sex after us

got a plan so we can stop this?

Holmes, when´s your bail due -

maybe we can have a whip round! How much do you need?

I say we hang out, and when something like that

happens, we say, "Well, I'm sorry but I'm not available right now to your gender. There is, however, a

fantabulous person next to me who'd like to take a shot at changing the team you play for...or maybe just join in

on your exploits."

**CJ01** · 06-01-2004, 01:39 PM

good idea let´s try it out

**deb** · 06-01-2004, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I'mmmm...speechless. And nauseated.

Yes that was totally disgusting.

I am referring

to the link to that guy that was into BDSM. Gross.

**Enticing** · 06-01-2004, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by deb

Yes that was totally

disgusting.

I am referring to the link to that guy that was into BDSM. Gross.

That isn't a

personal ad, it's for a gigolo. He's so ugly!~ I dated a med student named Sohail once, had to go check and make

sure it wasn't him. Thank God, no. Ewww *shudder*

enticing

**deb** · 06-01-2004, 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by Enticing

That isn't a

personal ad, it's for a gigolo. He's so ugly!~ I dated a med student named Sohail once, had to go check and make

sure it wasn't him. Thank God, no. Ewww *shudder*

enticing

Any girl or woman who would go for that needs

their head examined.

**Enticing** · 06-01-2004, 06:46 PM

Gotta admit it - last summer

after the marital split, I was dating men off of one of those hook-up type sites. Yup. Email, meet up, get off and

get out.

Well anyway. The one line that - NEVER FAILED - to indicate he'd be lousy in bed was - "Never had

any complaints" .... still makes me nauseous to this day.

enticing

**EXIT63** · 06-01-2004, 07:24 PM

Full figured= Fat
Curvy=

Fat
Classy= Fat
Voluptuous= Fat
Classy= Be ready to spend some dough shovelling lobster down my

gullet.
Magnetic personality= Fat
Mature= Old
Young at heart= Really old
Classy= You'd better not be

driving an '89 Corolla
Searching for my soulmate= How fat is your wallet?
BJF= bi jewish female
Classy=

Don't expect a b!oe job