HAPPY EARLY MAY
TO YA\'LL!! SAW MY FIRST SUNDRESS TODAY...NICE FIT, CLINGING TO EVERY CURVE, AS THE WIND BLEW SOFTLY AGAINST HER
PATH, AND A FACE THAT COMPLIMENTED HER OUTSTANDING DISPLAY OF A....SUUUUUUUNDRESS!
[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img] DEFINITELY A GOOD REASON TO HOLLA....MAYDAY! MAYDAY!! MAYDAY!!!
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\"THAT’S REAL NICE\"
Two housewives were sitting on the
porch of a giant mansion talking to each other. The first one said, \"For my first anniversary, my husband gave me
this 1/2 carat diamond ring.\" \"That\'s real nice\" said the second lady. \"For my second, he gave me that
Ferrari parked over there\" said the first one. \"That\'s real nice\" answered the second lady. \"And for my
third anniversary, he gave this mansion\" said the first lady. \"That\'s real nice\" said the second lady.
\"So, what do you get for your anniversary?\" asked the first lady. \"Well, my husband sent me to a manner school
on my first anniversary\" answered the second lady. \"Why did he send you to a manner school, and what did it do
for you?\" the first one asked. The second replied, \"Well, I used to say \'who gives a sh!t\'. Now I say,
\'That\'s real nice\'.\"
CAN YOU SAY....BUSTED??
A man phones home from his office and says to his
wife, \"I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It\'s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right
away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I\'ll be home in an hour to pick them
up.\" The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries
off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, \"Did you have a good trip, dear?\" The man replies, \"Yep,
the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.\" His wife smiles and says, \"Oh, no I
didn\'t...I put them in your tackle box.\"
LITTLE JOHNNY TO THE RESCUE!!
Little Tommy runs into the
bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, \'What\'s that Mommy?
\'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to
playing with his toys.
Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her
bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, \'Where is your sponge mommy? \'Again embarrassed she tells him that she
lost it but will probably find it soon.
Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her
find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering.
Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has
found his mother\'s sponge.\' What do you mean you found my sponge? \"I was peeping in the window one house
over, and saw that the lady next door has your sponge, and she\'s really enjoying washing Daddy\'s face with
it!\'
BEWARE OF DIRTY OLD LADIES...THEY EXIST!!
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He
spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a
paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, \"I hope you don\'t mind me asking, but how old do you think
I am?\"
\"About 35, \" was the reply.
\"I\'m actually 47, \" the man says happily.
A little while
later he goes to McDonald\'s for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is,
\"I\'d guess that you\'re 29?\"
\"Nope, I am actually 47.\" He\'s starting to feel really good about
himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, \"I am 85 years
old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man\'s age. If I put my hand
down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will definitely tell you your exact age.\"
As there
was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
She rubbed, she
squeezed, she pulled, she stroked it, and lovingly fondled his hanging twins.
Ten minutes later the old lady
says, \"OK, it\'s done. You are 47.\"
Stunned the man says, \"That was brilliant! How on Earth did you do
that!!!?\"
The old lady replies, \"I was behind you in McDonald\'s\".
SOCRATES...THE GREAT
PHILOSOPHER
Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor! In ancient Greece
(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom . One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who
said excitedly, \"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?\" Wait a moment,\" Socrates
replied. \"Before telling me anything I\'d like you to pass a little test. It\'s called the Triple Filter Test.
Triple filter?\" \"That\'s right,\" Socrates continued, \"Before you talk to me about my student, it might be
a good idea to take a moment and filter what you\'re going to say..The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?\" \"No,\" the man said, \"actually I just heard
about it and ...\" \"All right,\" said Socrates. \"So you don\'t really know if it\'s true or not. Now
let\'s try the second filter, th e filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something
good?\" \"No, on the contrary ...\". \"So,\" Socrates continued, \"you want to tell me something bad about
him, but you\'re not certain it\'s true. You may still pass the test though, because there\'s one filter left:
the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?\" \"No, not
really.\" \"Well,\" concluded Socrates, \"if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful,
why tell it to me at all?\" This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It
also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
Late one night, a
burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his
tracks when he heard a loud voice say, \"Jesus is watching you!\"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar
crept forward again.
\"Jesus is watching you,\" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He
was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot, \"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?\"
\"Yes,\" said the
parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, \"What\'s your
name?\"
\"Clarence,\" said the bird.
\"That\'s a stupid name for a parrot,\" sneered the burglar.
\"What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?\"
The parrot said, \"The same idiot who named that BIG AS$
Rottweiller behind you, that\'s about to tare you a new as$hole, by the way, Jesus.\"
HAVE YOU HEARD?
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland, a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
So, you\'re planning on
having a wonderful Saturday, are you? THAT’S REAL NICE.
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Gotta tackle box I can borrow?
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