2002 Darwin Awards

The last one here is just too painful...

To those that have done the most to remove themselves from the gene
pool:
2002 Darwin Awards
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards-
It\'s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest
service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year\'s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of
it.

And the 2002 nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house
down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6\'2\" tall and
weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman\'s wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a
schoolgirl\'s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that
had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place.
The
other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12\" long and 3\" diameter. The tube\'s other end was inserted
into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family
very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around
their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR,
she
noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead
on
arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the
couch,
and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon
flipping
the couch over they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently,
the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver\'s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had
started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi\'s life, the woman lost
her
own.

4. A 22-year old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried
to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end
to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone
because his car was found nearby. \"The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground\"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was \"major
trauma.\"

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of
a
gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building
had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket
and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
of
the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as \'bright\' by his peers.

The last nominee for this year\'s Darwin Award (awarded to people for
incredible feats of stupidity) goes to...

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own \"balls\" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much
to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on
the
machine with Sanchez\'s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in
the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
testicles
are in normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez\'s
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
from
him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle
was
compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
washer,
and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez
broke a
new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using
to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.