New Age Convention

*Some highlights from a recent New Age convention in San Francisco:

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met"

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."

"When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."

"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments."

"If you think nobody is listening, try making a mistake."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"I'm planning to be spontaneous starting tomorrow."

"It's best to borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back."

"Half the people you know are below average."

"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."