A good laugh (and lesson) to start your week...
A man was being tailgated
by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she
heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.
[/
FONT]He said, 'I'm very sorry for this
mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in
front of you, and cussing a
blue
streak at
him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper
sticker, the
'Choose
Life'
license plate
holder, the
'Follow Me to
Sunday-School
' bumper
sticker, and
the
chrome-plated[/
B]
Christian fish
emblem on the
trunk;
naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the
car.'
[SIZE=6][/S
IZE]
[SIZE=6][FONT
=Tahoma]Clean
can be funny.
One
day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and
you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
out.'
[COLO
R=blue]****** ********************************************
[B
]Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a
husband.
*********************
*****************************
[COLO
R=blue]A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to
take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C
Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know
the guy.'
[B
]**************************************************
[/B]
[/C
OLOR]Mother
Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonay.'
[COLO
R=blue]
***
***********************************************[COLO
R=black]
[/COLOR][COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]A wife was making a breakfast
of fried eggs for her
husband.
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]Suddenly, her husband burst
into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my
GOD!
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE
are
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to
STICK!
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]Careful . CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the
salt.
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The
wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
driving.'
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]******************************
********************
[COLOR=blue]
[/COLOR
]Fifty-one years ago, Herman
James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
years.
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]******************************
********************
[COLOR=black]
[/COLOR
]
Military Axioms-from Paul
'If
the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry
Journal
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed.'
-[B
]
[/B]U.S.[/FON
T]
Air Force Manual
----------- --------- ---------
---------
'Whoever said the
pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
<
b>------------ --------- ---- -----
---------
'You, you, and you: panic. The rest of you,
come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery
Sgt.
------ ------ --------- ---------
---------
'Tracers work both
ways.'
[COLOR=maroon]-[/COLOR
]
U.S.[/CO
LOR] Army
Ordnance
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -
Infantry Journal
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper.
Once.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have
nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine
Recruit
------------ --------- --------- ---------
---------
'If you see a
bomb technician running, keep up with him.'
-
USAF[/FON
T] Ammo Troop
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at
Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the
fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine
airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the
crash.'
< FONT face=Tahoma color=#002f80 size=5>------------
--------- --------- ---------
'Even
with
amm
unition, the
USAF[/
COLOR] is just another expensive flying
club.'
----------- --------- ---------
---------
'What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot
dies.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
---------
'Never
trade luck f or skill.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
The three most common expressions or famous last
words in aviation are:
'Why
is it doing that?'
'Where are
we?'
and
'Oh
Shit!'
----------- --------- ---------
---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are
always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
-
<
B>'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up
there!'
----------- --------- ---------
---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than
radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in
the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test
pilot)
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'There is no reason to fly through a
thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
it's about to.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and
locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- ---------
---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the
experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer
sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'What
happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just
got here myself!'
-
A
ttributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test
pilot)
[SIZE=2]
Choosing a
wife
A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the
money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys
several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be m ore
attractive for him because she loves him so
much.
[F
ONT=Papyrus]
[FONT
=Papyrus]
The man was
impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts .
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents
these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much.
n
Again, the man is
impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock
market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so
much.
[F
ONT=Papyrus]
[FONT
=Papyrus]
Obviously, the man was
impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each
woman had done with the money he'd given
her.[SIZE=2]
[/S
IZE]
[/FONT
]
Then, he married the one with the biggest
boobs.
Men are like that, you
know.[SIZE=2]
[/
SIZE]
There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
them.
[/SI
ZE][B][/
B]
Which Type Of Woman Is Yours?
HARD-DISK
Woman:She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:She
forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use
for
your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:She
is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need
her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look
beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not
expecting, luvs u.
[/SI
ZE][/FONT]
