Thank yous all very much!
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use
the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult
movie channels.
I can't sit down on the
hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last
washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. Although cell phone
usage may be taking the number one spot.
Eating a
Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the
one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope
that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no
longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot
day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your
concern I never drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I don't drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God'
on their
cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me
know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at
Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica[C
OLOR=#339965],
[/COLOR]Uganda[CO
LOR=#339965],
[/COLOR]Singapore
and
Uzbekistan[COLOR=#339965
].[/COLOR]
I no longer buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it
bites my butt
off.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there
by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy
gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this
e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the
way.....
A German scientist from
Argentina[COLOR
=black], after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.
[/COLOR]Don't bother taking it off
now, it's too late. :wave: :run:
