For
Your Information and Future Use.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across
the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had
carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench
with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT
SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing
jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat
to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather
gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC
FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT
LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after
you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE
HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry
bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS
SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT
SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to
crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we
are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice
through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that
you will need.
The Information Contained Above Is Not That Of A Sane Man, And Extreme Care Should Be
Used While Viewing Any Materials Sent:
