sounds like a hopeless MindFuque... wake up,
move on
there are mental freakshows where the best decision is to walk away.... this Arab girl-woman
obviously has some serious psychological problems with intimacy. Unhook your brain from her mildly deranged behavior
while you still have your self respect and sanity intact. Rule #1 = where there's smoke, there's fire.
Translation: if someone acts strangely, unpredictably, their choices don't make emotional sense BEFORE you become
involved, you may be guaranteed that that person will become maddeningly, disgustingly weird AFTER you're in the
relationship... Rule #2 = when you see you're in a losing game, cut your losses as fast as you can. OR... when you
find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Rule #3 =
people who lack self respect don't respect other people either.
People with little self respect are capable of the most incredibly fucked up things. Therefor: if you sense that you
are being turned into an "emotional toy", she doesn't see you as an independent human being, she see you as an
extension of her own weird thought processes.
Summation: you go to the store and want to buy some food to cook.
You see a delicious chicken. You imagine it roasting in your oven. You pick it up and smell it, only to sense that
the meat is rotten.... you have an immediate visceral response that no way are you going to cook and eat that
chicken. For sure you will be sick all right. Think like that with people, if they smell like they'll make you
sick, they will make you sick.
have tee shirt, coffee mug, assorted memorabilia
to trade
in retrospect the biggest mistake I made (about a thousand times before it sank in to my
tiny mind) was that if you believe in the golden rule others will believe in it too. You know, be empathetic and
understanding, and Voila ! they will, just like magic, see the light, wake up to all their foolishness, and be
better human beings by dawn tomorrow. Sloooooowly it came to be known that patterns of behavior are set early in
life, even small changes in personality/behavior/ethics are hard to achieve, annnnnd the kicker for me was that even
the most fucked up, miserable creatures who repeat absurd self destructive + other destructive shit are
fundamentally content with who they are, or are too lazy and full of dumbass inertia to change who they are even if
they suspect they ought to, or are so egotistic any useful criticism is seen as a grevious personal affront, or are
so clueless they run around crashing into other lives, leave wreakage strewn about, and then lurch forth like
automotons to crash into the next unsuspecting victim. Lesson : don't waste your time trying to change other
people. Your best defense is early detection and avoidance. Stay way the hell away from no-win mind games. If you
want other people to change, work on yourself, find a good psychologist and discuss recurrent patterns in your life
and why they may keep cropping up if that's what you need to do. Read a pile of behavioral books....
#1
suggestion for inforative reading Emotional Vampires: Dealing With Deople Who Drain You Dry by Albert Bernstein,
Ph.D.... a quote from the book "Emotional Vampires will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be
experiencing at the moment. They have no qualms about taking your effort, your money, your love, your attention,
your admiration, your body or your soul to meet their insatiable cravings. They want what they want and they don't
much care how you feel about it".... for $12.95 paperback it was a good investment, my copy is well undelined by
now.
it's a congruity vs. incongruity thing
yeah, were dealing with a hypothetical case, only a narrow description... OTOH how do you respond to
the situation as described ? The possibilities are that, as they used to say all the time in NLP, "the map isn't
the territory".... This is one guy's map, imagination, projection... for all we know it may be a composite figure,
not fully true, an attempt to undeline a behavioral pattern...
All that said, if you are interacting with
another person and you are picking up strongly mixed emotional messages, such as well understood behaviors that are
a species wide signal for attraction, interest, curiosity, or desire and, simultaneously you are beign sent well
understood signals of rejection, disinterest, disgust, or belittlement, you are by definition experiencing
INCONGRUITY....
Incongruity may be used profesionally for interrogation as it induces as sense of confusion,
helplessnesss, and compliance, as when it is applied in the classic good cop/bad cop routine, it may be used in
dramatic storytelling, when something is out of place in a scene, like a fur coat hanging up in a greasy gas
station, or it can be subtle, as the psychologists call them "minimal cues", like a guy who winces when you mention
his brother... this is an entire study in itself... for instance a trainer, Dave Dobson (in his final years but
still working, remarkably) with his Other Than Conscious Communication program makes congruity his primary
focus...
Anyway.... we don't know the true events in the gym.. what we do have is a not too off base
description of incongruent behavior....which we can think about on its own terms. It is normal to experience low
levels of incongruity throughout the day, everyone has multiple priorities, not all agendas are perfectly aligned,
the saleman who sells you something may genuinely like you but he's also got to look out for himself, on the other
side of the equation a good customer knows how to sort out the selling behavior from the true feeling and make a
good decision that leaves the relationship intact.
OTOH, there are more than enough crime shows on the cable
channels which detail the most bizarre relationships, marriages, etc... where there must have been screaming
incongruity from day one that was overlooked.... which suggests that some people are exceedingly incompetent in
detecting incongruity, or they were raised in families where incongruity was "normal" and they have been programmed
to think of incongruent behavior as the way humans are...
The other legitimate explanation for incongruity is
pseudo-incongruity where one culture has evolved a different, accepted behavioral pattern that ultimately makes
sense within that culture. I have had aquaintances who have married into African families (and v.v.) who have
travelled to Africa to meet their in-laws who were initially floored, weirded out beyond any possible expectation,
by "normal, polite, standard" social customs... they weren't bad or awful behaviors, but from a middle class
American perspection they made absolutely no sense, until they were understood through long exposure to the
culture.
Our hypothetical girl offers us a wealth of possibilities in either direction.... and like
Kurosawa's film Rashomon, every participant has his or her own inner movie of what the truth is... a useful aside
about psychology and psychologists... we rarely know what our own truth is, we might not recognize it if it was put
right in front of us.... well intended people struggle for years to know themselves, what causes them to feel and
think the way they do, their lives to have the shapes they have taken... and the best of psychologists must work
with their experience, intuition, material they have studied... they almost never see the family dynamics first
hand, or have spoken with the mother or father who created the person who the patient is... they can only respond to
the information given, as we do here.
