MOBLEYC57
04-09-2004, 02:18 AM
YAPPY YEESTER
everyone! Hoping that your weekend is safe and relaxing...I don\'t have to work today!!!!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
YOU DAIL 9 FOR AN OUTSIDE LINE
A gentleman staying at the
Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel
he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman
says, \"I\'d like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with
a pearl necklace. What do you think?\" The lady says, \"I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to
press 9 first to get an outside line.\"
IT\'S ALL IN THE HANDS
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign
hanging over the bar that reads, \"Cheese sandwich: $1.50; Chicken sandwich: $2.50; Hand-job: $10.\" Checking his
wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
\"Yes?\" she inquires with a knowing smile. \"Can I help you, Sir?\" \"I was wondering,\" whispers the man.
\"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?\" \"Yes Sir,\" she purrs. \"Indeed I am, and I’m the better of the
three.\" The man replies, \"Well, wash your fu#king hands! I want a cheese sandwich!\"
SPEAKING WITH A FORKED
TONGUE
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she
discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, \"What happened to the
other five condoms?\" His nervous reply was, \"Er, I masturbated with them.\" Later, she then approached her male
confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, \"Have you ever done that?\" \"Yeah, once or twice,\"
he told her.
\"You mean you\'ve actually masturbated with a condom before?\" she asked. \"Oh,\" he said,
\"I thought you were really asking if I\'d ever lied to my girlfriend.\"
WHATEVER WORKS!
A woman has had
serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until
one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend \"works
wonders on anything.\" The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, \"remember those headaches I
have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone.\" \"No more headaches?!?\" the husband asks, \"What
happened?\" His wife replies, \"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare
at myself and repeat \'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.\" Believe it
or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone.\" The husband replies, \"Well, that is wonderful.\" His wife then
says, \"You know, you haven\'t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don\'t
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?\" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but
agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks
up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, \"Don\'t
move. I\'ll be right back.\" He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, \"Boy that was wonderful!\" The husband
says, \"Don\'t move! I will be right back\". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for
round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. \"Oh my! This is
really great!\" Her husband again says, \"Don\'t move, I\'ll be right back.\" With that he goes back in the
bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and
saying, \"She\'s not my wife. She\'s not my wife. She\'s NOT my wife!
BUMPER STICKER MADNESS:
DON’T
STEAL....The Government hates competition
HORN BROKEN....Watch for finger
KEEP HONKING....I’m
reloading
Milk sucks! Got beer?
Can’t feed’em? Don’t breed’em!
I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a
horse!
I’m not an alcoholic! I’m a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings!
Politicians and diapers need to be
changed for the same reason
Gun control means using BOTH hands
Save a cow...eat a vegetarian
Earth
first...we’ll screw up the other planets later
My CHILD was Inmate of the Month at County Jail
CAUTION! I can
go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
WORK HARDER....Millions on Welfare are depend on you!
DON’T HONK...Driver
trying to sleep
If I wanted to hear from an as$hole...I’D FART
CAT...the other white meat!
SPEAKING OF
CATS....A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don\'t want the cat shut in the house because
\"she\" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn\'t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.\" He\'s just going upstairs to say goodbye to
my mother.\" A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. \"Sorry I took so long,\" he says, as they drive
away. \"Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, butut it worked. I hauled her fat as$ downstairs, and
threw her AS$ out into the back yard!\" The cabdriver runs into the back of a parked car.....
Gotta kitty I
can borrow? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif
everyone! Hoping that your weekend is safe and relaxing...I don\'t have to work today!!!!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
YOU DAIL 9 FOR AN OUTSIDE LINE
A gentleman staying at the
Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel
he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman
says, \"I\'d like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with
a pearl necklace. What do you think?\" The lady says, \"I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to
press 9 first to get an outside line.\"
IT\'S ALL IN THE HANDS
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign
hanging over the bar that reads, \"Cheese sandwich: $1.50; Chicken sandwich: $2.50; Hand-job: $10.\" Checking his
wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
\"Yes?\" she inquires with a knowing smile. \"Can I help you, Sir?\" \"I was wondering,\" whispers the man.
\"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?\" \"Yes Sir,\" she purrs. \"Indeed I am, and I’m the better of the
three.\" The man replies, \"Well, wash your fu#king hands! I want a cheese sandwich!\"
SPEAKING WITH A FORKED
TONGUE
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she
discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, \"What happened to the
other five condoms?\" His nervous reply was, \"Er, I masturbated with them.\" Later, she then approached her male
confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, \"Have you ever done that?\" \"Yeah, once or twice,\"
he told her.
\"You mean you\'ve actually masturbated with a condom before?\" she asked. \"Oh,\" he said,
\"I thought you were really asking if I\'d ever lied to my girlfriend.\"
WHATEVER WORKS!
A woman has had
serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until
one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend \"works
wonders on anything.\" The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, \"remember those headaches I
have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone.\" \"No more headaches?!?\" the husband asks, \"What
happened?\" His wife replies, \"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare
at myself and repeat \'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.\" Believe it
or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone.\" The husband replies, \"Well, that is wonderful.\" His wife then
says, \"You know, you haven\'t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don\'t
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?\" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but
agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks
up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, \"Don\'t
move. I\'ll be right back.\" He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, \"Boy that was wonderful!\" The husband
says, \"Don\'t move! I will be right back\". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for
round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. \"Oh my! This is
really great!\" Her husband again says, \"Don\'t move, I\'ll be right back.\" With that he goes back in the
bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and
saying, \"She\'s not my wife. She\'s not my wife. She\'s NOT my wife!
BUMPER STICKER MADNESS:
DON’T
STEAL....The Government hates competition
HORN BROKEN....Watch for finger
KEEP HONKING....I’m
reloading
Milk sucks! Got beer?
Can’t feed’em? Don’t breed’em!
I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a
horse!
I’m not an alcoholic! I’m a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings!
Politicians and diapers need to be
changed for the same reason
Gun control means using BOTH hands
Save a cow...eat a vegetarian
Earth
first...we’ll screw up the other planets later
My CHILD was Inmate of the Month at County Jail
CAUTION! I can
go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
WORK HARDER....Millions on Welfare are depend on you!
DON’T HONK...Driver
trying to sleep
If I wanted to hear from an as$hole...I’D FART
CAT...the other white meat!
SPEAKING OF
CATS....A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don\'t want the cat shut in the house because
\"she\" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn\'t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.\" He\'s just going upstairs to say goodbye to
my mother.\" A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. \"Sorry I took so long,\" he says, as they drive
away. \"Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, butut it worked. I hauled her fat as$ downstairs, and
threw her AS$ out into the back yard!\" The cabdriver runs into the back of a parked car.....
Gotta kitty I
can borrow? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif