View Full Version : Memoirs of the Incredibly Stupid
Pancho1188
04-05-2004, 02:02 PM
Ahhh, sitting in meetings and reminiscing about more innocent days when I was a shy, quiet kid who kept to
himself...well, as opposed to a friendly, dorky man who keeps to himself after 5:30...I remember the one time when
my dream of actually having a girl come up to me came true...
I was sitting in the cafeteria at lunch with my
best friend when these two girls...two very attractive girls...ask me to come over and talk for a minute. So I
follow them to their table, completely bewildered by the fact that women were actually talking to me, and I sit down
and listen to what they have to say. There I am, sitting with two attractive girls who have the assertiveness to
say, \"Pancho, we just wanted to tell you that we thought you were cute.\" Now, the younger Pancho was the young,
quiet, shy, awkward type who was too amazed by what was happening to him...so taken by the whole new experience that
had never even crossed his mind, and so bad at thinking of anything relatively interesting to say...that he did not
really say anything at all. Now, the Pancho of today would never even think of passing up such an opportunity, but
shyness truly is a paralyzing quality. Alas, nothing was ever mentioned about this situation until today. No other
real conversations, and no \"Man, I should\'ve...\" with my friends afterwards. Just a missed
opportunity.
One could say it was my lack of transportation, \"coolness\", or self-esteem that got in the
way...we were from different crowds, we were totally different people with different lives...one could ponder many
different reasons for keeping someone like young Pancho from living it up in ol\' HS. Nobody can say for certain,
but one can only imagine that some things aren\'t meant to be and some people take much longer to realize things
than others. Maybe one day old Pancho will get hit in the face again with such a great compliment that he does
something about it. Maybe that day will never come. All I know is that you live and learn, and then get
love...
...hopefully...
franki
04-05-2004, 02:43 PM
Pancho, you are nothing special.. We all went through these kind of situations and most of us learned from it. It
is just part of getting experiences in life.
bundyburger
04-05-2004, 04:33 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Maybe one day old Pancho will get hit in the face
again with such a great compliment that he does something about it.
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
One day old Pancho wouldn\'t have the capability to even understand the compliment. Would he??
SwingerMD
04-05-2004, 06:38 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Pancho, you are nothing special.. We all went
through these kind of situations and most of us learned from it.
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Some of us still do. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif Check out my post in the Big News
thread.
--------------------
<font color=\"blue\"> -SwingerMD </font>
Pancho1188
04-06-2004, 05:05 AM
Past
Experiences in the Endless Struggle of the Low Emotional IQ
By Pancho Rivera
I get to the bus stop.
First one there. Man, I just missed the last bus. I stand there knowing I\'ll be waiting a while before the next
one.
\"Been waiting here long?\"
Wow, I\'m glad I missed the last bus.
The lady who uttered these words
had to be the most gorgeous girl I\'ve seen in my area so far...boy, am I glad I missed that bus...here goes
nothing.
\"No, I just got here. When I saw no one here, I thought, \'Man, I just missed it.\'\"
I give
my best boyish smile. Hey, that\'s all I\'ve got, right?
\"So where are you headed?\" I asked. This is my
only shot at trying to act like a normal human being who regularly engages in small talk. Might as well make the
most of it.
\"Downtown. You?\"
\"The same...downtown for work,\" as I try to hide my \'charming\'
(aka disgusting) Pittsburgh accent...dantan is not about to make you look good...not that I\'ve ever said
that thanks to a brilliant education, but you never know when it\'ll slip.
Hmmm, that seems like the end of the
conversation. No response, not enough information to really inquire about her business downtown without
prying...oh, well.
The bus arrives. I get on and she\'s standing right behind me/in front of me when I turn
around. I enjoy the laugh when I think of what would happen if the bus suddenly flew forward and she fell into my
enormous gym bag that looks like it\'s about to give birth to twins. I\'d regret keeping my bag on that side
of me if that ever happened..., I thought with a smirk.
She finds a seat, and I put on my headphones to go
about my business and get mentally prepared for work. Almost ten minutes later, the person next to her leaves, and
I take the seat. Well, what the hell. One more shot. Think, think, think. Damn, the social part of the brain
doesn\'t work this early in the morning. Of the millions of people who ride public transportation daily, probably
a small percentage actually strike up a conversation while the rest keep to themselves and maybe even hope no one
says anything to them. What antisocial behavior for a species that thrives on social interaction.
I think about
it. There\'s nothing really to say. She\'s reading a magazine. I\'d ask if this bus time was part of her
routine or something to see if I\'d have a regular shot at talking to her, but the way I say things...it\'ll be
taken as shady...so I say nothing. My stop is next, anyway.
I get up and say, \"Have a good day.\" No reason
for my aloofness to all things normal to get in the way of having good manners.
I don\'t think I hear a
response, but maybe she didn\'t think I was talking to her. Maybe she smiled and I didn\'t turn back to see. I
don\'t know.
As I walk to work, I wonder about how this will affect my day and whether I could\'ve done
something different. No, probably not. After all, I\'ll forget about this tomorrow and so will she (if not
earlier). Maybe there won\'t be a tomorrow. Maybe there will be millions. I don\'t care, I\'m tired and
have to get to work.
Pancho1188
04-07-2004, 04:51 AM
The \"Boyfriend\"
By Pancho Rivera
I\'m sitting at my desk during a normal day at work. The
attractive woman a few desks over has been coming over to my area often in the past couple of days for training
purposes. I get a few nice conversations in while I have the chance, and it\'s nice to have a normal chat for
once with someone without getting all weird about it. She comes over again today.
I\'m doing some research and
overhear the occasional out-of-the-ordinary comment or raising of the voice due to a funny joke or anecdote...until
the dreaded word comes: \"Boyfriend\".
It\'s like an axe that sticks in my side. It can completely change
the way I view a person at least from a \"potential\" standpoint. There\'s something about the evil switch from
perceiving someone as \"available\" to \"unavailable\" that suddenly changes how I act/react towards them. In
fact, nothing good has ever come from anyone saying the word...so much that it should be considered foul language
and should be treated as such. Stupid (*&$@%(*#s...
\"...sometimes I come in wearing a sweatshirt that my
*%$&#@*$&\'s mom gave me. I wear it to be nice...\" Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold up. *@$#(%(@#???
*Shudders* Oh, well. So much for that idea. It\'s a good thing I keep my ears open...or something.
Maybe they
should just ban the word. I mean, if an attractive girl refers to a (*&@%*@#, people get disappointed. If a
friend or someone you\'re not attracted to mentions it, it\'s usually in the context of either complaining or
bragging, which nobody wants to hear, anyway. Even in the case that you happen to be the person being referred to
by the woman (or man), you either a. didn\'t know that\'s what you were (that\'s a whole other story) b. dread
the thought of hearing it or c. don\'t need to be reminded what you are.
But I digress...
As I sit there and
actually feel the transformation from being interested in this person to losing the \"potential\" feeling, I
wonder how horrible of a person I must be for having such a shallow way of thinking. Maybe it\'s my mindset. I
could have hopes of the \"wait out\", but I\'m too impatient for that and don\'t like the idea of thinking
about someone else\'s significant other. Maybe there\'s nothing wrong with my mindset. Although I\'ve lost
that \"interest\" in a prospective date sense, I still respect and like the person... Who knows what\'s going
on?
Whoa, there goes that girl from the department down the hall from me. I wonder if she\'s taken...
PR
Pancho1188
04-08-2004, 05:24 AM
The Homeless Man
By Pancho Rivera
I\'m sitting on the bus. It must be a low point to be commuting
because almost nobody is on here. I walk to the back of the bus where the seats are arranged sideways. I like the
back of the bus because it\'s usually the last place people sit and there\'s something kind of cozy about
sitting in a place where the seats face each other. It\'s like sitting in a little moving room.
Unfortunately,
you can tell it\'s a bus because nobody talks to each other. It\'s funny how that works from a sociological
standpoint. A dozen people sitting in a room just the same would eventually lead to many engaging in
conversation...but put the same room on wheels and have it headed to a destination and you have total silence. The
concept of buses is for another conversation, though, because as I sit there reading my book on the mind and
pondering such aspects of the human psyche I am interrupted by an indecipherable question. \"Dwe yasdfo asdfowe
okwer ojwer jowre?\" I have no idea what he\'s saying. I watched him dump a bag containing an alcoholic
container out the window, so I\'m not too thrilled with the whole littering thing. From the looks of him, though,
I can\'t hold something like that against him because I guess littering is a problem for well-off people and the
obsessive-compulsive. It probably goes Food->Shelter->Love->Littering. Something like that. Reminds me
of Maslow\'s hierarchy of needs.
But I digress...
I ask him what he said. It takes 4 \"What\"s to figure
out that he\'s asking me who won the NCAA tournament. I have no idea.
\"I\'m sorry, man, I\'m not a big
basketball fan.\"
\"I know Maryland was in it...\"
\"Maybe Duke?\"
\"I think Duke lost to
Maryland...\"
\"Well, I\'m not sure, sir.\"
\"Do you go to school around here?\"
He must think I\'m a
student because of my looks and psychology book.
\"Oh, no...I work downtown. I went to Penn State. Now if Penn
State went to the final four, I\'d know. I\'d probably be out celebrating.\"
\"Yeah, you would know.
You\'d be elated.\"
He asks me something, and again it\'s so hard to hear on the bus. I\'m thinking he
also doesn\'t want to talk too loud because he might bother other people.
\"Do you think you might be able to
spare some change?\"
\"Yeah, sure.\"
I bought Chinese food earlier that day and decided to pay cash. I never
really carry around too much cash because of debit cards, but who knew that my $5.78 lunch would leave me with $.22
in my pocket. I think about what I\'d do with that 22 cents if I didn\'t give it to him. I\'d throw it in my
change dish and let it sit there for months...maybe years...as it loses its value. This guy would spend it as soon
as he could and get whatever pleasure now. Maybe it\'ll be alcohol. What do I care? It\'s 22 cents. I get
the money and hand it to him...
\"Peace, my brother.\"
Again, I didn\'t hear him. He held out his fist.
I thought I heard him wrong the first time and he was giving me back the money.
\"No, no... Peace.\" He
motions with his fist. I press mine to his.
\"You study. You\'re going to do well.\" I thought he still
didn\'t get that I graduated, but maybe what I was doing was studying...even if not for a school or a
test...
A frustrated woman gets out of her seat and storms by us, muttering \"Bitch\" as she walks back. I
didn\'t see what happened. God knows what someone could possibly do on a bus that would arise such anger from
another.
\"See, people don\'t realize. People don\'t realize that we\'re all human. We\'re both
human.\"
I get his point. It is sad. I could throw out the psychological terms that point the blame at ego
defense-mechanisms, but I think the way he put it was better.
He goes on and on. I can\'t hear most of what he
says. I wish I could. I smile and try show I\'m making an effort to follow, but it doesn\'t work. I finally
say, \"I\'m sorry, I can\'t hear you too well.\" I get up and sit next to him.
\"Yeah, young one, sit
with me. I don\'t get to talk to people too often.\"
He talks about lost love, life, and how he is going to
sleep outside tonight.
\"It\'s a nice night to sleep outside, at least,\" I say. It was a beautiful
night.
\"Do you have a girlfriend in college?\"
\"Yeah.\"
\"Does she write to you? Do you talk to her
often?\"
\"No, man, she broke up with me a while ago.\"
\"It\'s because you were leaving, wasn\'t
it?\"
\"Yeah, basically.\"
\"See, that\'s what they do, man. My woman...\" and he talks about his last
girlfriend and how she was upset with him about something...again, I still can\'t make everything out, but he\'s
almost at the verge of tears when he thinks back about it. He raises his voice a little in the emotion of talking
about the moment, and people start to look at us. There are about 6 women around me, and a few give these
\"disapproving\" stares. I wouldn\'t say disgust or outright dirty looks, but they weren\'t the kind you get
when you\'re trying to pick someone up.
I ponder this for a moment. These people...everyone going about their
daily lives like nothing\'s going on, and they look down upon people like this just because he has it bad. People
have their stances on the war and terrorism and sending troops/spending money on other countries, and then they feel
this...I\'ll be nice and say \"uncomfort\"...with a person within our own country just because he isn\'t the
standard \"suit\" or \"college kid\" that usually rides the bus to get to work or class. I don\'t
know.
The man tells me that the next time I write to my parents, to tell them that he loves them for being good
people and having someone like myself. He gives me his full name, and wishes me well. Here comes his stop.
He\'s off to the \"booty club\"...yeah, I wouldn\'t call it respectable but I figure he\'s just trying to
find a little fun in the hard life he\'s living. As long as he \"behaves\", I wish him the best.
I tell him
to take care of himself. He wishes me the same. He tells me not to forget him. I tell him I won\'t.
He
leaves, and the bus keeps moving. Silence fills the bus once again as the women around me continue whatever they
were doing...I don\'t know what they are thinking. I\'m not quite sure what I am thinking. My stop is next,
and I move towards the door. Many of those other women get up as well. I let them depart first...maybe the last
chivalry left in this society...I\'m not sure. We all cross the street in the same direction, no one saying a
word. Some walk fast, some walk slow. I am second in the pack, and I again wonder what they are thinking. What
they have to get home to, what they are looking forward to/dreading tomorrow, what is troubling them at this very
moment. I don\'t know, and I probably never will.
All I know is that nothing can possibly bother me at this
moment, for I know I am truly lucky to be where I am right now...even if it\'s home->work->gym->home
every day...and I am truly proud of myself for treating other people with the respect that every human being
deserves.
My mom would be proud.
PR
Icarus
04-08-2004, 05:49 AM
One
day, we\'re gonna get a three liner.....
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr
/>
Got laid.
Off to see her just now.
Cya later!
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
Go get \'em, Tiger.
Steve
Sacogoo
04-08-2004, 09:15 PM
You
know Panch, I think it\'s great that you are doing your part to help with the environment and taking public
transportation. Kudos.
Pancho1188
04-12-2004, 05:03 AM
The Feeling
By Pancho Rivera
I\'ve had three serious girlfriends in the past three years. I say
serious meaning a. girlfriends because I\'ve only had three and want them to sound meaningful at least and b.
serious relationships because those are the only kind I seem capable of since I\'m incapable of \"hit it and quit
it\" relationships since you work so hard to get there just to leave the next day... I never understood it.
Anyway, three relationships: two of around three months or so, the other about six months.
Yeah, so I\'m not
James Bond or Pimp Daddy Pancho as much as I\'d like to be. However, the most interesting thing of note in these
relationships is how I knew they were going to happen before they actually did. I mean, I knew I was going to sleep
with these women. How did I know? I don\'t know. I just did.
I knew this girl through a friend-of-a-friend,
and I\'m in State College talking to her through Instant Messenger about this, that, and the other thing. We get
along well, and I ask her if she\'s doing anything next weekend since I\'m coming back home for whatever reason.
We decide to hang out on Saturday and see what we can do around town when I get there. I get there, and after five
minutes I know I\'m going to sleep with this woman. How do I know? I have no idea. I just do. Maybe it\'s in
the conversation. When I\'m \'on\', I can hold my own. Maybe it\'s the tension in the air...or how she
melts when I give her the look I give that makes a woman feel like the only thing that matters in the universe...I
don\'t know what I\'m doing, it must be a \'vibe\' or something. I don\'t know anything about vibes, but
I guess they exist. An hour later, we\'re on the bed and I\'m putting the moves on like Barry Sanders.
Flash
to the following year. I\'m trying to Instant Message my fraternity brother to shoot the breeze or something when
I get a smiley face and a hello from his friend of the female persuasion. She\'s a sweet girl, and when I get a
picture of her, my jaw drops. Wow. We flirt, and I never flirt. Once again, I know I\'m going to sleep with
this woman. We agree to hang out sometime, and she gives me her screenname. I\'m not feeling in the party mood
on a Friday night, so I ask her what\'s up and see what she\'s up to. She comes over to watch a movie...and
once again, I find myself deep in tongue action and rounding the bases like Barry Bonds...like I\'m already there
but trotting along is just a formality...I eventually lose my best friend over this and break up with her because
she was supposed to be leaving next semester---she ended up staying another year, but she found her future husband
in less than a month so maybe it was fate---lucky me.
Fast forward another six months. I\'m drinking.
That\'s a new one. Apparently no one can resist the mixing of college and alcohol. It\'ll get you in the end
when you go to the #1 party school in the nation (or #4 if you believe those Princeton Review preppies...but I trust
Bacardi). Anyway, she\'s telling me how hot I look on Pimps and Hoes night where I\'m wearing baggy pants with
my boxers showing and a large, unbuttoned (nothing but skin underneath) loud shirt that
screams
[]D[][]V[][]D
with authority. I flirt with her over the course of the night, and I try to get her to
dance for my birthday because she refuses to dance due to insecurities or whatever. Well, she wouldn\'t do it.
Not even as a birthday present. Until this other guy gets her to dance for like 10 seconds. I come down and she
tells me about it, and I act all furious and walk away...boy, am I a bad but believable actor. Like a $5 hooker,
it\'s not pretty, but it gets the job done. I\'ve always hated the game, but I guess I have to play it once in
a while to get the girls.
She pursues. I know I am going to sleep with this woman. Later on, we\'re in my
room (thank God I live in the House...), and I\'m in a drunken state telling her that I like her a lot but
don\'t want to hurt a great friendship, a big brother opportunity (didn\'t happen), or her chances of becoming a
member. Well, needless to say, 10 minutes later I get the guts to kiss her and the rest is history...
Happy
Birthday, Pancho...
Sure, this led to 6 months of torture, followed by...6 months of torture (separation and fear
thereof on both sides)...followed by another 6 months of torture. (Note: exaggeration for story-telling
purposes...well, not by much...)
So I sit and ponder what it was that made me know I had something with these
people. After all, if I knew it then, how hard would it be to reproduce it...I could never be alone again (if
you\'re into that sort of thing)!!! Then again, I don\'t know what it was. Maybe I should just keep my eyes
open. Hmm...that one girl said I was funny, I wonder if she likes me...
PR
bundyburger
04-12-2004, 05:13 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I mean, I knew I was going to sleep with these
women.
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
That\'s held true for every time I\'ve thought that too.
So far.
I don\'t know if it\'s our pheromones doing that when you find the perfect match (that\'s the
COMPLETE signature not just the ones we play with on here), or when you see that twinkle in their eyes that says
you\'ve connected in a big way.
There are two girls that I can think of right now that I\'ve had that feeling
with and it hasn\'t happened. No big deal, coz they are very much works in progress. Based on that feeling and the
current circumstances that play a part in pausing the situation. This has been over two years in the making in one
case and a little longer in the other. One other successful prediction didn\'t happen for 3 years, another for 18
months.
Attraction is a mysterious and amazing part of life. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
but
could it be that you feel this feeling, therefore giving you the extra confidence to go through with it?
bundyburger
04-13-2004, 04:13 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but could it be that you feel this feeling,
therefore giving you the extra confidence to go through with it?
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
No doubt! Can\'t really argue with that. lol /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Pancho1188
04-15-2004, 09:12 AM
The Dive
By Pancho Rivera
Life is weird. I wake up this morning after having the most vivid
dreams of my ex-gf. This came out of nowhere. She broke up with him and they were hanging out or something. I
thought they were still together, so I walked away...but she chased after me to tell me that they were broken up.
In another segment of the dream, she\'s driving by, we stop, and she kisses her hand and touches my
lips.
This really shakes me up today. I can\'t concentrate. I can\'t do much. I can shake the feeling.
I don\'t know what it is. This is the most vivid dream I\'ve had in forever. I start to wonder if this was
actually going on and if the events in my dream actually happened, but I haven\'t talked to her in months or
thought about her (in a missing fashion) in at least a month.
I can\'t shake it. This starts to piss me
off. Thanks to a little venting to a friend, I shook off the feeling and decided that maybe this was just holding
me back. I decide that this will not mess with me anymore. I go to speak with the girl I\'ve had my eye on for a
while. She\'s with friends, and I\'m not about to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of my coworkers if I say
something stupid, so I veer out the door and head for the elevator.
I see a fellow recent hiree. We talk for
a while. She has this accent that I couldn\'t pinpoint where she\'s from if you paid me. Anyway, we have a
great conversation on the way out until we part ways a block down the street. She\'s attractive in an
unconventional way, but since I don\'t get that \"whoa\", \"school boy\" feeling around her I can carry on a
conversation. Don\'t you love the irony of life?
I meet another coworker on the way to the gym as soon as
I part with the first. We talk for another 8 minutes or so and split up. \"Wow,\" I\'m thinking, \"two decent
conversations in 15 minutes. Must be my lucky day.\"
You\'re probably wondering why I\'m so
surprised. I usually can\'t carry a non-professional conversation with someone I don\'t know well further than
I can throw them. If I get past:
---Hey, what\'s up?
---Not much. How are you
doing?
---Great.
...then I consider the conversation a success. Two in a row? You\'ve gotta be
kidding...
Anyway, I hit the gym and am feeling pretty good. I\'m squatting 225 like it was part of me
thanks to my recent weight gain, so I\'m feeling like the friggin\' Hulk. An older, slightly attractive woman
asks how many sets I have left. I tell her I have one left, and she goes to get some water.
She comes back
in time to see my last lift. I finish up with authority and she even helps me take off the four 45-lb. weights.
Nice. \"Thank you,\" I say because it was awfully nice of her to do such a thing. \"No, thank you,\"
she says in a tone that hasn\'t been heard since Howard Dean tried to rally his troops after losing the first
primary.
What the hell? I\'m in a state of complete confusion after that one. I mean, I didn\'t do
anything for her besides be the reason she had to wait 3 extra minutes for the squat rack... I try to think of
something, but nothing really comes to mind. The only thing I could do was think about how my clothes are very
\"form fitting\" and you get a nice view of my butt while doing squats...I don\'t know. Hey, it could happen,
right?!?!?!
By this point, I think I must be on crack or something. Everyone smiles at me when I look at
them...people are super-nice with the machines and apologize for being in my way...I even had guys rather wait than
ask me to move so they can get to their lockers (to which I say, \"Am I in your way?\" and promptly move out of
courtesy).
Note: I am wearing a little SOE, TE, and AE, but I don\'t know what this is doing. Just let me
pretend it was me. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Anyway, I finish my workout, and as I
walk up to the counter the girl smiles and I hand her my keys.
---How was your
workout?
---Great.
(you\'re in the zone, go for it. What the hell?)
How\'s life on the other side of
the desk? (referring to the counter that divides us)
---Oh, you know. Chillin\' and (man, I can\'t remember
the rest so I\'ll try to paraphrase) takin\' it easy.
(simultaneously)---Have a good night!
I walk out
and process the interaction that just occurred. I just realize: she thinks I\'m attractive. I believe that was
some sort of flirtatious occurrance...the smiles, the tone, the body language...wow, I\'m not used to such
things.
I head to the bus stop before my head explodes. Wow, what a new concept. People are attracted to
me. I sit at the bus stop between four people and think about what\'s going on. I sit there with a big grin on
my face and think about randomly talking to one of them to break this \"code of silence\" that surrounds the bus
phenomenon...I\'m too happy to risk making a fool of myself just yet, though, so I get on the bus and sit in the
back.
I have the biggest smirk on my face for the first few minutes. Everyone\'s sitting there, minding
their own business. I shut my eyes and sit in contentment. Then the bus starts to fill, and on walks a girl that
you\'d probably see in a magazine flaunting the new line for some major designer...and she has the clothes to
fit.
She\'s wearing this hat like the kind men are required to wear once they reach the age of 75...only
the more stylish ones that women and people like my brother wear. She has it at the perfect angle to make it
stylish, sexy, and fashionable...and I know nothing about clothing. Anyway, I like the hat. I really do. She
looks fantastic in it.
I notice that I keep returning my sights to her after pretending to look elsewhere. I
notice that she actually looks at me a couple of times. Wow, what the hell is happening to me today?
The guy
next to me starts to get ready as if his stop was next. I look out the window and notice that it is my stop, too.
I knew I was going to leave, even though I thought about taking the bus all the way to my house instead of the store
so I could...and that\'s when I realized that I wouldn\'t do anything, anyway, so I should just get off now.
That\'s when it hits me.
I decide to take a dive. What the hell does that mean in this context? It means
that I am going to throw everything that bugs me about situations like this out the window and am going for it. If
I tried to talk to her, I\'d have everyone around me overhearing my conversation, knowing I\'m hitting on her,
and judging me or something. I could risk sounding like an idiot. She could think I\'m a tool and ignore me or
think I\'m hitting on her and tell me she has a @#$%&#@&@. This is what always holds me back. This is
what freaks me out.
Well, I\'ll show myself today. So what about all of that stuff? I like that hat, and
it looks damn good on her, and I\'m going to tell her that. What if she never wears the damn thing again because
no one ever complimented her on it? Who cares if people think I\'m hitting on her because they\'ll know I\'m
not since I\'m getting right off the bus without so much as waiting for a response from her. I have no chance of
getting this girl\'s number or being rejected since I\'m not asking anything and everyone else can just go to
hell. That\'s \"taking a dive\". I\'m about to put myself out there where I\'m uncomfortable because I
like the damn hat. Jihad, jigga what?!?!?
I get up. My stop arrives. This guy won\'t get out of my way
because he\'s holding onto the bar until the bus comes to a complete stop. He finally moves. I walk up.
She\'s standing about 2 feet from the back door, so I have about 2 seconds to think of and say something
witty.
I walk up with the body language that I\'m going to talk to her. She looks at me almost as if she
was expecting me to talk to her. Like she wanted me to talk to her. Sh*tdog, I\'ve never seen that one before.
Welcome, Pancho, to \"unmarked territory\".
---That\'s a nice hat.
---*blushes* Thank you.
---It
looks great on you. *walks off the bus*
I fly off the bus before I even know what happened.
Did I just
make a girl blush???
Taking a dive is cool...maybe next time I\'ll see if I can withstand all of that
imaginary pressure I feel and actually make an attempt at conversation.
Have I learned something today? I
don\'t know, but I hope this wasn\'t a freak accident that this all fell on me at once...
PR
Holmes
04-15-2004, 09:53 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Don\'t you love the irony of life?
<hr
/></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Yeah, it\'s a real hoot.
(Good post, though.)
Holmes
Pancho1188
04-15-2004, 01:11 PM
The Embarassing Moment
By Pancho Rivera
I go to get some water. I get an itch in my nose and go to
the restroom to get a paper towel and check to make sure I\'m decent. I open the door that goes to the hall
that\'s 5 feet away from the bathroom door, and the most gorgeous girl in the world just happens to be walking by
at that exact moment while my head is down and I\'m trying to cover my face because I might have something on my
face...and of course I\'m giving this strange look while doing it...
She says, \"Hi,\" with an amazing
smile...
Say something! Sh*t!!! Say something!!! Anything!!! Get your head up!!! Smile!!! Quit looking
stupid!!!
F***! F***!! F***!!! F***!!!! F***!!!!! F***!!!!!! F***!!!!!!!
*Smile* *Mumble*
\"Hey...\"
I bolt to the door...I get in and take a few steps while the door shuts...
\"Gaaaaaaaawwwwwwdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!!!\"
I look in the mirror. Nothing. The sudden mixture
of relief and regret fill my veins as I am glad I didn\'t have stuff hanging out of my nose but feel completely
dumb that I missed a huge opportunity...
Nice.
PR
Holmes
04-15-2004, 02:46 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I open the door that goes to the hall that\'s 5
feet away from the bathroom door, and the most gorgeous girl in the world just happens to be walking by
<hr
/></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Did you happen to ask what she\'s doing after The D.A.?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Holmes
tallmacky
04-16-2004, 11:24 AM
Pancho I got to get out of here now (school) and leave, but I would just like to say quickly, Why is this not a
Sticky Thread? Pancho yoru writtings have touched me deeply, keep it up in the face of challenge. Fight and fight
some more....and write more!!! Lots more.
ok see ya\'
Pancho1188
04-19-2004, 09:38 AM
\"On the Way Out\"
By Pancho Rivera
The \"on-the-way-in\" and \"on-the-way-out\" conversations
are classic. I\'m walking by her desk on the way out and just happen to see her still working while it\'s about
15 minutes or so after the end of a beautiful Friday afternoon. This is what I resort to when I\'m trying to
start a conversation with someone. This is when I know I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation
except...
\"Still here?\"
\"Yeah, I\'m just about to leave. You?\"
At this point, I have lost
complete use of my faculties. I cannot feel a single part of my body, my memory of this time period is to become
blurred, I have no idea what is going on, and my brain is on auto-pilot because I have lost the ability to think.
For a species that has spent millions of years evolving to culminate to this one advanced set of neuroprocesses, the
human response system really does suck.
\"Yeah, I\'m just about to go to the gym as always.\"
I smile.
That\'s about the only response that I can accomplish...and I use that particular word because it is, in fact, an
accomplishment to perform such a feat.
Then, silence. How long was it? I have no idea. It could\'ve been a
fraction of a second or 100 years for all I know. In fact, my memory of those few seconds has all but disintegrated
as fast as it actually occurred.
\"Have a good weekend!\" she says with a smile.
I barely possess the
strength to form a response, but I push on through. No use blowing everything because you can\'t function,
right?
\"You, too,\" I say with another smile.
I must bank on my smile. I know I\'ve made a woman or two
swoon in my day with this $3,500 grin (the approx. amount spent on braces in 21 months I\'d rather forget), so
maybe my stupidity will be overlooked because, damn, I\'ve got a glow about me that could send a Goddess to her
knees...or so I hope beyond hope might be the case one day.
\"Don\'t work too hard.\" This is quite possibly
the dumbest thing I have ever said.
What the hell kind of response was that??? She\'s leaving in 2 minutes.
In fact, she might be gone already if your blubbering mouth hadn\'t interrupted. It\'s Friday, and she won\'t
be working for another two days. What the hell possessed you to say such a stupid thing?!?!?
I turn and walk
away.
Wow, what just happened? Wait, wasn\'t I supposed to say something while I was talking to her?
Wasn\'t I going to ask her out or something?
Or something...
PR
Icarus
04-19-2004, 10:25 AM
Take
a deep breath.
Now relax.
tallmacky
04-19-2004, 11:31 AM
The latest story is your best yet Pancho. Keep churning them out like Aunt mamma\'s sweet home made buttah.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif
Bottle
04-19-2004, 12:31 PM
Pancho I\'m gonna get rich from you mate, one way or another...its either a book or a film.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
Pancho1188
04-23-2004, 11:20 AM
The Down-Cycle
By Pancho Rivera
It was bound to happen. A day that seemed out-of-the-ordinary and
wonderful, a good mood almost every day, life was good. Here it comes...
It\'s 2 a.m. Sure, it\'s not late
for a college student or night owl, but for someone who needs to get up at 7 for work and needs to get to sleep or
he\'ll be a wreck in the morning, this was not good. I\'ve been lying awake for a couple of hours in this 90+
degree sauna I call an apartment, and I can\'t sleep. I finally fall asleep after exhaustion must\'ve overtaken
the heat that could only be comparable to lying in an oven...
I get up. I feel okay for being tired, and the day
wasn\'t bad. My head starts spinning later that day. I almost stumble into a wall while walking because of my
dizziness. Great. The Tylenol takes care of that enough to think somewhat straight, but this is not good. I was
planning on asking the girl down the hall today, but it\'s not going to happen if I can\'t think or form a
coherent sentence. Maybe tomorrow will be better for that sort of thing. The dizziness is gone, so I actually go
to the gym. I\'m insane...or addicted, I\'m not sure which.
I walk out later to find a voicemail on my cell
phone. I check the message: \"Hi, Nate...\" a girl starts...it must be Kari (pseudonym to protect the
innocent...not the L-S Kari /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif)...I called her before and she might
be calling back to ask why I called. I wanted to find out how the weekend went at ol\' State because it was a big
one for my frat. \"...it\'s )*@$%*).\" I can\'t even write the name anymore. It\'s become taboo. F*ck.
I thought I was done. I figured she\'d never call me again and I finally was done thinking about and trying to
contact her because the previous fiascos were over and I had no contact with anyone to hear anything new. I listen
to the message again because I had no idea why the hell she called, and then deleted it immediately hoping to forget
about it.
This depresses me. I have no idea why. There\'s a term in psychology where you forget about the
reason why something makes you feel a certain way but it does, anyway. I don\'t know why this made me feel so
horrible, but it did. I guess I was just used to being depressed every time I heard her voice, it became a
conditioned response.
It\'s so hot...I still can\'t sleep. It takes me over two hours to get to sleep again.
Oh, well.
I wake up again, and I\'m still feeling sick. I go for the DayQuil. I\'m bouncing off of the
walls for half of the day. You\'ve never seen anyone so goofy...\"high as a kite\", I referred to my state as
today. I don\'t think I\'m in the condition again to be asking anyone out...but after yesterday\'s debacle
that sent me into feeling crappy, I was determined to fight it by talking with an attractive girl.
What a big
mistake. I get a body language read like I was interrupting something and being a bother by even standing there. I
haven\'t felt this horrible in a long time. I crawl out of there with my tail between my legs and sleep it
off...
I feel better Wednesday. I\'m going to ask her out today. I walk up to her cube on my way to lunch,
and she\'s on the phone. Damn...I go down the elevator...and turn around and go back up like I\'m determined to
do it this time. I pass her to go back to my desk pretending to get something and come back, but I stop at a
co-worker\'s desk and have a nice conversation as a warm-up. It was nice, and he seemed to be brightened by my
very presence. This was good. I was wearing TE and SOE, maybe that helped. She gets up and walks out while
we\'re talking.
\"Well, have a great vacation! Good luck finishing that up...\"
I bolt out of there
almost before he replies. I try to catch up, but she practically disappeared. Damn.
Today is it. I can feel
it. I\'m running a little late in the morning, so she may beat me to work for once and I can give the
\"On-the-way-in\" hello that makes for a good excuse to have a conversation...as you may already know.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif I\'m psyched. I\'m ready. I come up the elevator ready to
rock. I come up to the cube...not there. Damn!
Oh, well. This is the day. It\'s going to happen. Lunch
time comes around. We start talking about getting a group to go outside. Perfect!!! This is it!!! Yes!!! We get
ready to go, and I dart for the cube. Here\'s my chance. I can\'t blow this one.
\"Hey, what are you doing
for lunch?\"
\"Actually, I might work through lunch. I stepped out earlier.\"
F*ck. Well, that explains her
absence earlier.
\"How\'s that (aka work) going?\"
\"Oh, I have...\" long response I couldn\'t quote
exactly, but I paraphrase with my response.
\"So translation: you have a lot of stuff.\"
\"Yeah...\" again,
long and hard to quote exactly.
\"What are you doing this weekend?\" I try to implement my little plan to think
of a way to ask her out later...
\"Hanging out with some friends.\"
Come on, give me something...
I\'m out of
time.
She says, \"Where are you guys going?\"
\"I\'m not exactly sure, so I\'ve probably better catch up so
I don\'t lose them...Good luck with that. Maybe next time.\"
I catch up with my co-workers. Damn.
You
know, I can honestly say that I know nothing about the game. If someone was interested, wouldn\'t they know that
I was asking a question for a reason? Wouldn\'t they help me out by giving me a hint that I should keep going
with my attempted request? This is why I never ask people out...if they wanted to do something with me, they would
ask, right? Ha, ha...that kind of logic will only leave you cold and lonely...even in this disgusting
heat...
It\'s not over yet. I have one more excuse to talk to another girl. I\'m down, but not
out...let\'s do it again.
I walk up with my \'excuse\' in hand...funny thing is, I pass by the first girl
while going to the second...I don\'t even notice until she\'s smiling and my head is down again. Man, can I
ever pass this woman without having my head down looking at papers or covering my face?!?!? Geez...
Anyway, I
hand her my \'excuse\'.
\"Oh, awesome. I\'ll take a look at it. I\'m sorry, though, I have to
run.\"
\"Oh, I\'m sorry. I didn\'t mean to bother you. Have a good night.\"
\"Oh, I\'ll be back, I
just have to run now.\"
\"Oh, okay.\"
Can I be any dumber? I just assumed \"run\" meant leave for the
day...that\'s what it usually means, right? It was about a half an hour before the end of the day; she could have
been leaving. Why do I have to say these stupid things? Screw this, I\'m going home.
Today will be different.
I\'m done with this. I\'m tired and beaten. I just want to get through this day.
I walk to my bosses.
They\'re talking together, so I jokingly say, \"If it isn\'t my favorite managers?\" to be friendly, thinking
\"and they\'ll think, \'...and your only/main managers.\'\" I hear an upset remark from a manager across
the way...crap. I figured they\'d know I meant my managers, not just my favorite people in
management.
And I keep digging my own grave...
My two co-workers are talking about this march coming up over
the weekend.
\"Oh, what march is it?\"
\"I\'m sorry, I\'m uncomfortable talking about this at
work.\"
These are the worst words you could ever hear come out of anyone\'s mouth at work...
It turns out
it was a march based on a sensitive subject that wasn\'t suitable for work...man, how was I supposed to
know?!?!?
I\'m just waiting to feel this heat months down the road when something big happens.
I\'m
beaten, I\'m tired, I just want to go home for the weekend and forget that this week even existed.
I won\'t
let this get me down.
I won\'t call her back.
I won\'t give up on being more \"relationship
assertive\"...aka trying to ask someone out more straight-forwardly than in the past.
I won\'t get really
sick...I\'ve \"cut it off at the pass\", so to speak with, with some preventative medicine.
I\'m waiting
for the day when I actually become successful at this debacle I call my life...
PR
Icarus
04-23-2004, 01:54 PM
I
know you won\'t reply to any post on this thread (as you seem to have vowed not to) but please stop pretending
that you have it hard.
From your words, you would think that had been born without arms, legs or motor
control.
I\'m not attacking you, or insulting you (at least, this is not my intention).
Life ain\'t a
faerytale, and the girl ain\'t gonna do the work for ya. Ask her out. How much will it really change the
situation you\'re in now? (other than deleting that portion of thought you devote to \'how it could be if we
were together\' - only if she says no, of course)
To be blunt, the pros outweight the cons.
I just wanna see
ya happy. Chin up.
Steve
metroman
04-23-2004, 03:40 PM
Pancho you are an excellent writer!...I feel as if I\'ve gotten to know you a little bit from your writings.
Thanks for sharing the angst all of us men go through in one way or another when it comes to the opposite sex.
Anyone who is brave enough to take the time to describe how they\'re feeling, as personally as you have is not
lacking for /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gifconfidence. You\'re just the kind of guy a lot of
attractive women are looking for: Intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, kind, courteous...Need I say more...All I can
say is if they dont go out with you they\'re passing up a great opportunity.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif
CptKipling
04-24-2004, 06:34 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Pancho you are an excellent writer!...I feel as if
I\'ve gotten to know you a little bit from your writings. Thanks for sharing the angst all of us men go through
in one way or another when it comes to the opposite sex. Anyone who is brave enough to take the time to describe how
they\'re feeling, as personally as you have is not lacking for
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gifconfidence. You\'re just the kind of guy a lot of attractive
women are looking for: Intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, kind, courteous...Need I say more...All I can say is if
they dont go out with you they\'re passing up a great opportunity.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Pancho: \"Ok,
but can you tell them that?\"
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Pancho1188
04-27-2004, 02:00 PM
Always be Prepared
By Pancho Rivera
\"What are you preparing? You\'re always preparing. Just go!\"
--- Spaceballs
I always need to prepare for things...
It takes me ten minutes to get up in the morning.
Why? I\'m preparing for my day...I\'m like Windows booting up...\"Loading...Loading...Date...Time...Where am
I...How do I feel...What am I doing today...What was I dreaming about...What things are coming up...I\'m tired and
want to go back to sleep\"
It takes me 2 minutes to leave my house. Why? I\'m double-checking my
preparations...aka making sure I have everything. I always forget something.
I take up to 5 minutes before I
jump into an ice-cold pool...I can\'t help it, it\'s friggin\' FREEZING when you jump in, man!!!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
I take 10 seconds to mentally prepare myself for a solid set at
the gym. \"We\'re gonna take it up a notch. It\'s go time!\" --- Lloyd Bridges, Seinfeld
I take a
few seconds to make sure I have everything ready for when I get on the bus (flash pass or money), order a meal (know
what I want and what I\'m going to say), and talk to someone (what did I need to ask them again?).
I get up
before my stop on the bus and walk towards the door to make sure I can get out as soon as the door opens.
I
prepare a list of possible situations/outcomes for when I talk to a girl I like. God knows I won\'t have much
ability to think during the conversation...
I prepare my lunches for the week on Sunday so I don\'t have to do
it during the week when I\'ll get too lazy and just go out instead.
Some of those things everyone does, some of
those things are probably a little on the side of insane. Honestly, I wouldn\'t know which are which because, of
course, I am the one who does them. Why would I pick such a boring subject to talk about today? Well, my friends,
I would like to let you in on what happens when I do not think and am not prepared...
Things I have
said without thinking them through first:
-How old are you?
-How much do you weigh?
-How much do you make? (I
was ~8-10 at the time, I guess I had an excuse of innocence, but I embarrassed my dad)
-That is quite possibly the
worst sex I\'ve ever had.
-So what you\'re saying is that he\'s just a good replacement for a
vibrator?
-Come on, you know you\'re Ms. Beautiful and everybody loves you and blah, blah, blah...half the place
thinks you\'re hot...
I\'ve said many more dumb things, but I guess they\'re just not coming to mind right
now.
Dumb things I do when I\'m not prepared:
-Stand there standing with a dumb look on my face forever
trying to figure out what the hell is going on, to which I drive myself insane with stress and freak
out
-Apparently miss such simple tasks that I get made fun of for it
-The above makes me say stupid things (see
above list)
Again, I\'ve done dumber things, but I can\'t remember them now. I try to forget them, of
course.
The drawback of having this necessity is the inability to do anything unless I am ready for it to happen.
I can think on my feet, but I can\'t \'do\' on my feet. This brings me to today\'s debacle.
It\'s the
end of the day, and I\'m walking toward the elevator. I pass one girl\'s desk, but I\'m not prepared to say
anything so I don\'t. I come up to this other girl\'s desk. She\'s there, and I remember that I wanted to
thank her for helping me with a project. I had it in my head before that I was going to thank her, so I guess the
previous preparations made it easy to go with it now that it\'s possible to carry out. I stop and knock on the
cubicle.
\"Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your help.\"
\"Yeah, congratulations. It\'s good that he
liked the project.\"
Okay, that\'s all I had. I\'m going to have to wing it from here...
\"Yeah, it turned
out great, but it couldn\'t have been done without your help. He talked to (my manager) for a half an hour saying
how great it was.\"
\"Well, congratulations!\"
Silence for a moment. She goes on.
\"So how are you
doing?\"
\"I\'m doing well. I miss the sun, though.\"
A little more small talk ensues. She asks if I\'m
going to the gym, and I say that I\'m going home.
\"So what are you up to tonight?\" I don\'t know how that
came out. I must be desperate for something to say if I accidentally say something that could be taken in a certain
way...
\"Actually, I\'m not doing anything. Going home, resting...\"
My personality splits in half. I have
the half of me that keeps professionalism for the office and the half that is trying to become Mr. Personality and
friggin\' ask someone out without hesitation. The second half goes nuts.
Ask her out!!! Ask her out!!!
This is your chance!!! Ask her out!!! You can do it, come on...here we
go...\'Do--you--want--to--go--out--with--me?\' How hard is that?!?!?
The first just listens. It calls
the shots, apparently, and it can\'t do it. What if she really needs to rest? You didn\'t come here to ask her
out, you came here to thank her. This is out of your designated line of thinking. I need at least a minute or two
to mentally psych myself up to get into the zone of asking someone out...just like I need 10-20 seconds to psych
myself up for a strong lift...who knows what kind of weak-ass sh*t I would bring if I picked up the weight I lift
without being mentally ready? Who knows what could go wrong because I\'m at work and could get into huge trouble.
Who knows what stupid thing you could say? You don\'t have an hour or two\'s worth of conversation ready to be
unleashed...
*cough*bullshit*cough* If you don\'t do this, Pancho, I will officially lose all respect for
you. This is as good as it\'s going to get. You forget that her saying that is not her saying that but really
the closest sign that any woman seems to be willing to give a guy that she\'s available to do something. When
will you get that through your thick skull?
\"Yeah, you have to rest up from that wild weekend you had,
huh?\"
\"*laughs* Yeah.\"
\"Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your help.\"
\"You\'re
welcome!\"
\"Well, I\'ll talk to you tomorrow...well, maybe.\" (I don\'t talk to her every day, so what do I
know? However, I\'m sure that could\'ve easily been taken in such a horrible way. Thank God she started
talking before I said that last word)
I can\'t really remember what happens after that. I know I say goodbye
and walk away, and I know she said something in between there, but I can\'t remember. My second half was too busy
cursing me out for being an idiot.
You are the biggest motherf*cking tool who ever lived. I have lost all
respect for you. Go kill yourself.
*sigh*
\"Always be prepared, son...always be prepared.\" --- The
Last Boy Scout
PR
Pancho1188
04-28-2004, 05:16 AM
One Small Step for Man...One Giant Leap for Pancho
By Pancho Rivera
Michael: ...I don’t
consider myself a p*ssy, ok?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a p*ssy.\"
--- Office Space
I\'ve had
delusions that somehow my stupidity could help others by making them realize that such irrational thoughts and acts
are useless. I\'ve also been told that writing things down puts perspective on things and makes \"horrible\"
situations look more realistic and workable. When you articulate something well, you understand it. You own it.
You control it. Knowledge is power, and you can overcome anything with understanding.
That\'s all well and
good, but writing about my misfortunes will not inspire people. Writing about my misfortunes and then overcoming
the obstacles to become \"normal\" might...
I finish writing my post for the day. I\'m sitting at my
desk and thinking about what I just wrote. I\'m glad I wrote that down. It makes a lot of sense to me, and now
that I notice a little quirk I have, maybe I can do something about it. We\'ll see about that...
I get
ready to leave. Of course, I pat myself down and look around as final \"preparation\" to make sure I have
everything. I grab my lunch mini-cooler pack that I almost forgot. See, my routines serve me well. I may be
insane, but I didn\'t forget my lunch pack.
I\'m thinking about what I said and what I did. I can do
this...if she\'s there today, I can do it. I walk down the hall...it\'s on. I didn\'t need to think twice
about it. There\'s something new.
She\'s there today. I don\'t waste any time. I\'m as ready as
I\'ll ever be.
\"Working late again?\"
\"It\'s only been a little while. What are you up
to?\"
\"Oh, just going to the gym, I guess.\"
\"That\'s good.\"
\"What are you doing
tonight?\"
\"Probably just going home.\"
\"When are you out of here?\"
\"I\'ll probably be here for
another 30 minutes.\"
I pause. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
\"...Would you want to do
something after?\"
She bites her lip. I have my answer. Can I disappear into oblivion now? I\'m about to be
rejected like a single, white male with a C average and no extra-curricular activities applying to any college worth
going to...
\"Actually, I\'m probably just going to go home.\"
Apparently, \"just going home\" is
not a signal. Then again, I don\'t understand signals. I hate signals. All little body language signs
women think they use aren\'t getting through to me.
I take another breath and keep going without breaking
stride. Apparently, I\'ve been prepared for rejection for years...
Pancho...ready for rejection since
1988!!!
If you know anything about me, you can do the math and guess the significance of that
year...
Anyway, I keep going like there\'s nothing to it.
\"So what are you working on right
now?\"
\"Oh, just some...\" She talks about the project.
\"Cool, cool. Well, good luck with that.
I\'ll see you tomorrow!\" I try to put this smile on my face and in my voice, but I\'m not sure how that
went...She said thanks and goodbye or something, but I\'ve noticed a pattern that once I disengage my attention
turns completely internal, and everything outside fades from memory quickly. Obviously if someone said, \"Wait,
Pancho, I\'m just playing hard to get. Let\'s go do something...I was just messing with you!\" I would
remember that. Oh, well.
It\'s been one week since my ex called. Yes, it becomes fresh in your mind when
the feeling you have reminds you of the last time you were rejected. I\'d say I took it well...if you consider
hyperventilating between jump squat sets and on the verge of tears for a few minutes taking it well... I don\'t
take rejection very well...especially when it brings forth the feeling of the worst rejection you\'ve ever felt in
your life...hence the slight overreaction. I\'ll live, but I still think that, \"Well, at least you tried.
Don\'t you feel better than had you not asked her out at all?\" is full of sh*t. No, I\'d rather not have,
actually. Oh, well. I\'m still breathing, and I still have to wake up tomorrow and go to work. I can do it. I
feel better. At least I didn\'t hear \"Swarm, swarm!\" and get fired or anything. Nice! My life is still
intact, even if my confidence isn\'t.
Well, I proved it. I am not a p*ssy. I was, however, rejected. I
guess you could say I just regained my pride in my manhood in exchange for any self-confidence I had in my
attractiveness. I guess that\'s an even trade-off, right?
I took a chance. I asked someone out. I
didn\'t freak out or lose my senses. I was under control. I took it well and initially rolled it off long enough
to complete the conversation without going nuts or acting like a schmuck or sore loser or whatever. I lived to see
another day. I\'m growing as a person. I\'m better today than I was yesterday. That has to be good, right?
Then why do I still feel bad? Oh, I remember...
PR
Way to
go Pancho. I\'ll agree with you the \"nothing to lose\" thing is kinda BS.
Still, a man\'s got to do what
a man\'s got to do. Don\'t take it personally and know that it happens to everyone.
Icarus
04-28-2004, 06:00 AM
It\'s not BS.
People take their own emotions WAAAAAAAY too seriously.
Congrats on having the cojones to ask
her out, and it sucks that she turned you down, but look on it this way.... is life ANY different now?
Screw
it, if anything it\'s better. You now don\'t have to worry about that girl anymore. (unless you get a
chance to get it on at the office christmas party - always a good \'un if you were only a temp, perhaps not for
the career oriented)
To cut a long babble short: can you honestly say that you\'ve never rejected someone else?
Even on something less major than a \'reelayshonchip\'? And haven\'t you maybe also looked at that very girl
that you rejected and said \'that\'s a pretty girl, and I like her, but she\'s not my cup of
tea.\'?
Even if it wasn\'t an outright rejection from her asking you out... we subconsciously reject
or accept people on different levels every day. Just by looking at them.
Just right
too
tall
beautiful
slender
not my type
not my type
perfect
not my type
etc
etc
etc....
Whether we want
to or not, we all do it (in some small way) Just because we are not always put in an express position to communicate
these tiny judgements, doesn\'t mean they aren\'t happening.
Again.
YOU\'VE NOTHING TO
LOSE.
YOU\'VE NOTHING TO LOSE.
YOU
HAVE
NOTHING
TO
LOSE.
Steve
P.S. How much is
pride/self-esteem really worth anyways? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Steve:
I don\'t agree with the nothing to lose thing because some people will inevitably end up \"feeling
bad.\" Those who can avoid this have adequete confidence to do so or have learned not to take rejection
personally.
The other thing that one has to lose is their fantasy of them and that person. By not
asking someone out and getting a definitive answer, that fantasy gets to stay alive. Ask them out and you risk
erasing that fantasy. You can\'t dream about something you know can\'t come true. This is one of the big
reasons why people may not take chances or even feel bad after rejection - because the fantasy is gone.
I\'m
not advocating nor judging any of this stuff. Just highlighting on some very real things that happen to people.
Some people have something to lose. In my opinion, the loses don\'t outway the gains.
Icarus
04-28-2004, 06:56 AM
dude, what\'s a fantasy worth?
If we\'re talking quality weighting (gains vs. losses) I still can\'t
fathom how the loss of a (i\'ll call it destructive, though I\'m aware that I sound somewhat harsh when I do so)
fantasy surrounding an \'unattainable\' as they become in your head regardless if they actually reject you in
real life, or the loss of your personal \'feel-good\' factor for a day (or even a week) could possibly compare
to living your life. For every 50 times that it\'s as sh&t as it can possibly be (or however you feel after
you put your heart on the line and get it trampled) that 1 time that it works out gives you more than all the
fetishistic fantasies of unrequited love you could collect in your days upon this planet.
But maybe that is
just me? I\'m currently riding the most beautiful wave of my life, merely around the fact that I saw
opportunities present themselves, so I put myself in the firing line. I\'d gladly be shot to tatters and cast out
to sea X10 the pains I\'ve already suffered just for the opportunity to live the way I\'m living now.
My
career (both academic and literal) is taking me away from the woman of my dreams (albeit, not forever) and I almost
made the mistake of \'living for the fantasy\' and I broke up with her - justifying it to myself that it was for
the best. I have since salvaged aforementioned wrong and put myself back on the line. In the name of living an
authentic life.
I\'m feeling trite now, so I\'ll be trite. Listen to WARNING by Incubus (on the album
\'Morning View\')
Not what changed my life, but expresses this view in very nice terms. Good chune,
too.
Steve
Holmes
04-28-2004, 07:24 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
\"Actually, I\'m probably just going to go
home.\"
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
I\'ve used that one a few times. Hope \"she\"
wasn\'t using it for the same reason. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Holmes
Steve:
I don\'t disagree with anything your saying. I\'m also not trying to put a value on fantasies either
way just as I am not saying you\'ll only feel bad for a week or you\'ll feel bad for ever.
Just
pointing out why some people ultimately feel they have made a mistake by going after what they wanted, only to get
rejected. Hopefully Pancho will get to the point where this no longer happens to him. Even if he can\'t,
that\'s okay. Risk and reward usually go hand-and-hand.
CptKipling
04-29-2004, 01:41 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I\'m feeling trite now, so I\'ll be trite.
Listen to WARNING by Incubus (on the album \'Morning View\')
Not what changed my life, but expresses this
view in very nice terms. Good chune, too.
Steve
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
--------------------------------------------------------------
Warning
Bat your eyes girl
Be
otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What\'s so wrong with being happy
Kudos to those who see
through sickness
When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a
warning
Don\'t ever let life pass you by
I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it\'s made
illegal
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to see it all fall down
Those left standing will
make millions
Writing books on the way it should have been
When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life
had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don\'t ever let life pass you by
Floating in this cosmic
jacuzzi
We are like frogs oblivious
To the water
Starting to boil
No one flinches
We all float face
down
When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a
warning
Don\'t ever let life pass you by
--------------------------------------------------------------
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif
xxxPantero
04-29-2004, 09:19 PM
Pancho
1.) Your writing is [censored] amazing. Clear and honest, and I can put myself in your shoes. Publish a
diary, write a [censored] book. You\'d be great.
2.) [censored] \'em. Either they\'re interested or not,
big deal. Sometimes it develops over time, sometimes it\'s instant, sometimes it never happens. Just take it as it
goes.
3.) I\'ve been rejected by far more women than I\'ve actually picked up. So what? Edison failed about
some 100 times before he succeeded at inventing the light bulb. Big fuckin\' deal! [censored], at least you\'re
out there, doing something about your situation. Oh well, one of your coworkers doesn\'t dig you a certain way.
There are billions of other women out there, half of which will be more interested in you than you are in
them.
4.) I could give you a 2-page reading list, a big load of advice, quote David DeAngelo, Ross Jerries and
others, but [censored] it - from what I\'ve seen, I like who you already ARE. Don\'t change because some woman
isn\'t into you. She has her own reasons. If you want some basic understanding of this crap, the simplest and
cheapest and least extreme thing I could think of you to get is:
THIS (\"http://www.getgirls.com/manguide.htm\"). Every other \"Seduction Guide\" or crap like that is
like a Bible, with their \"this way is the only way\" mentality - even the ones I like. But this one\'s nice,
short, and to-the-point. Looks like a scam, but is nice and returnable if you don\'t like it.
By the way,
that\'s the only good thing I\'ve seen on that site, everything else was, in my not-so-humble-opinion, crap. The
pheromones had a nice musk smell, but don\'t compare to Bruce\'s products or service. So don\'t waste your
money on anything else.
Icarus
04-29-2004, 11:19 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Man is the hunter; woman the game
<hr
/></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
you gotta be kidding me.
xxxPantero
04-30-2004, 05:50 AM
No, I\'m not.
Icarus
04-30-2004, 05:51 AM
I
mean, you can\'t seriously believe that reflects reality?
xxxPantero
04-30-2004, 05:58 AM
It\'s part of a poem, Icarus.
It\'s also congruent with my personality.
You can tell me all about females
being the ones that \"choose\" their mate, while the male is just looking to copulate. I don\'t care. I like the
quote, and it is how I feel sometimes.
What\'s your version of reality?
Icarus
04-30-2004, 06:06 AM
I
believe the quote is \'Women is his Game\', but regardless:
I am not questioning your views, merely wondering
why you would choose it as your signature.
Taken out of the context of the poem it seems to devalue women.
xxxPantero
04-30-2004, 06:26 AM
Is it now? I must have copied it down wrong.
I chose it as my signature because I like it. I don\'t see it as
devaluing women, or even that strong a quote, Why does it bother you that much?
Icarus
04-30-2004, 06:31 AM
Long
answer short?
meh.
Steve
xxxPantero
04-30-2004, 06:35 AM
lol, /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif whatever
Bottle
04-30-2004, 09:53 AM
I
think...
>Ding! Dong! the Witch is Dead (\"http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/\")
Pancho1188
05-12-2004, 08:10 AM
The Daily Grind
By Pancho Rivera
\"I don\'t see nothin\' wrong...with a little bump and
grind...\" --- R. Kelly
Pheromones: A few drops of TE and a couple of inches of SOE.
It\'s another normal
morning of a normal day in a normal month of a normal year. I\'m just off to the daily grind...or am
I?
It\'s crowded on the bus, and I have to stand. I don\'t really mind, seeing as I sit all day at work.
I\'m checking out the people, as always, seeing the new and old faces...apparently, I\'m in a different
timeframe than usual because all the faces seem relatively new. I must be a few minutes late. People get up and
off, and I have to do my little dance to let people through with my gym bag that takes up more space than I
do...
A seat opens up. Nobody looks at it, and nobody who seems to need a seat more than I do is in my direct
vicinity. I wait a few more seconds and take the seat since nobody claimed it. I want to read this book I\'ve
been captivated by for days now. The bus lets a few more people on, and \"standing room only\" takes into effect,
leaving a bunch of people standing crunched together. I wonder how much they love having their personal space
indruded upon like that.
Speaking of personal space...
This lady stops in front of me and turns to the side
facing me. I almost don\'t even notice as this is happening because I\'m sucked into my book, but then things
start to get weird. Someone is trying to get off the bus, so the lady leans to my side and brushes up against
me.
\"No big deal,\" I think. \"It\'s nice to give someone space to get off.\"
Speaking about giving
someone space to get off...
The woman doesn\'t move back when the person exits. She\'s about a half an inch
from me, and she has plenty of room on the other side to move back. The bus starts forward, and the little shake
pushes her up against me and back again.
The bus is a bumpy ride down this rough road covered with steel plates
at areas...
Bump, bump, bump...
More and more...
At first it\'s a brush, but it becomes more of a
press...
I stop reading my book. I look slightly to the left, not trying to show any unpleasant reaction or stir
any unpleasant reaction. Her leg is bumping into my arm, and then her crotch starts bumping into my
shoulder...
What the hell?!?!?
I freeze to think this over. There is a girl rubbing up against me on a
bus...what are my options.
1. Look up and smile to show that I don\'t mind one bit.
2. Pretend I\'m still
paying attention to my book but show no signs whatsoever of pulling away.
I think about what would happen if I
look up. This is a dangerous situation. If I look up and give even the slightest hint that I\'m wondering what
the hell she\'s doing, she\'ll back off and this interesting moment will be over...or I could give the right
signal and something good will happen. I think about how many times the latter has ever happened in my entire
life.
As I\'m processing this, the bus continues its bumpiness. She\'s rubbing up against me, and my whole
body is going nuts. I suddenly remember how long it\'s been since I\'ve actually had physical contact other
than the handshake, pat on the back, and the like in a loooooooooooooong time...let alone intimate contact of this
nature. I also remember how long it\'s been since I\'ve felt any sort of sexual gratification...in any
manner...let\'s just say it\'s been too long...
It\'s nice to have physical contact with people. Society
today prevents such things and leaves many people starved of that important kind of communication. A lot of the
healing power of massages are simply in the basis of the power of human-to-human, skin-to-skin contact...
Anyway,
I try to go back to reading. I notice that I\'ve read the same three lines about six times now. Seven. Oh,
hell, I\'m not going to be able to process any information like this.
Bump, bump, bump...even between bumps I
can feel the presence of closeness, like when you play the game of \"Not touching (Pancho)\" and run your fingers
over someone without actually touching them but they can still feel it...
The bus makes a turn...this contact
lasts a good five seconds.
I\'m dying over here, but in a good way. I jokingly think about how funny it would
be if I tried to play the game and leaned to her side to get more contact when she shifted.
I think how this
could all be a coincidence. I mean, just because I\'m a raging lump of hormones that can literally feel his skin
releasing pheromones from this event...well, it certainly doesn\'t mean that she knows what\'s going on. This
could all be in my head.
The next stop leaves the bus a little emptier in the back and a little fuller in the
front...this obviously means that the people have to shift back. I figured that this was it. Oh, well, it was nice
while it lasted. I look up to see it happening.
\"Go ahead around me.\"
What?!?!?! She just told the
people in front of her to move around her...she won\'t leave this spot.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif
Okay, this can\'t all be a coincidence. Maybe I\'m John
Nash and my \"Beautiful Mind\" can find ways to connect everything, but this is just too much for even me to
believe.
Bump, bump, bump...
I\'m really enjoying this. I don\'t know if the pheromones are making her
unconsciously do this or what, but I obviously don\'t care at this point in time.
My earlier joking thought
turns to seriousness as I process this information. I start to lean my head over. I\'m only human, you
know...
I slowly make my way to seem like I\'m unconsciously starting to lean to the left...I think you can
guess what \"accidental\" contact I was looking for with that motion...
She looks around. Her stop is next.
She moves to the back of the bus and gets off. Nuts.
For all I know, she was getting off the whole time she was
on the bus...hey, you don\'t see me complaining...
PR
Gossamer_2701
06-06-2004, 04:35 PM
P... A... N... C... H...
O..........................
Hey P... A...N... C... H... O....................
We're
waiting.......... :( ;) :D
Pancho1188
06-06-2004, 05:26 PM
The
Instant Messenger Phase
By Pancho Rivera
I used to be an Instant Messenger guru.
Oh, I was a
suave one, alright. I was the man in my day. I've got an 'Instant Messenger personality', you could say. I
used to wish the world consisted of people walking around typing on little IM windows...and that's how we'd
communicate. I'd rule that world.
I've seduced a few women through Instant Messenger. The beautiful thing
about Instant Messenger is that...well, there are so many great things for a guy like me. I can think of exactly
how to word what I want to say. I can 'speak' perfectly. I am "in the zone". I can entertain for hours. I know
that the person on the other end of that IM screen is bored. That, of course, is what Instant Messenger was
designed for. Oh, yeah, like the phone, mail, and e-mail, it helps you to communicate and transact information
quickly...but let's get real.
Instant Messenger was made for spoiled (I use the term as if I were an elderly
man looking back on today's "automated" society) teenagers (+or- 6 years) who are bored. Nobody who had something
better to do would be sitting on Instant Messenger. Honestly...the minute something good would come up, you'd see
"gtg bye" pop up on the screen, and that'd be it.
Anyway, this was my specialty. People on Instant Messenger
want to chat with you. People on Instant Messenger judge you by personality, not looks. This has got
to be the greatest thing ever. The only thing that used to worry me back in the day when talking to people was that
I was bothering them. When you try to talk to someone at a party, on the street, at a restaurant, etc., they're
always doing those important things that keep them away from Instant Messenger. They're busy. They don't
want to be bothered, and if they do, I couldn't tell the difference.
Instant Messenger makes this obvious. "I
want to talk. I am bored. Please, some hot person talk to me."
Oh, I was the man in my day. I'd start up
conversations with girls relatively close to me just trying to meet someone nice I could talk to. Yeah, it was a
lonely time. I needed someone. The wonders of technology gave me exactly what I needed. I'd keep girls
enthralled with my witty banter and quick humor...I've conducted entire conversations by IMing movie sound clips
from my computer.
"Hello, hello," says Austin Powers...
"Hasta la vista, baby!" says the Terminator.
"I would
like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body," says George Costanza...
Oh, I had skills...
I've done some wild stuff over the Internet. Apparently, I'm a helluva romance writer... ;) ;) Now, I'm not
about to go into details with that, but let's just say that I don't argue, "Women like fantasy" without personal
experience to back it up... :D
I've even gotten girlfriends thanks to Instant Messenger. I've also gained
and lost friends. I recall the time that my friend's friend was screwing around on his computer while he was
primping, and I got to be flirty through Instant Messenger when she told me that he said she should say hi to me.
Now, I couldn't see myself doing that in person at the time...but good ol' Instant Messenger got me in the door,
and a scheduled time to hang out let me transition IM flirting to real-life sexual tension that I capitalized on
with moves that got me rounding the bases in no time.
I've had a letdown or two along the way. For instance,
the above relationship destroyed my friendship with the guy. As most people know, I'm an honest person, but not
everyone is like that, of course. I've been lied to and messed with, but I've also had a few one-night stands and
made a few friends along the way. I've had a lot of women fall for me, and you may make your own judgments as to
whether you believe such a thing is possible.
Let me add that the screenname "Pancho1188" is actually in the
Virginia state court system somewhere for one of my antics...that story is too long to post now and has a tragic
ending to it, actually...that was the turning point to my reign as super-awesome IM guy to the women of the world.
Although it wasn't my fault and I wasn't directly involved, someone was harmed...you wouldn't believe me if I
said the extent...because of me...and so Pancho hung up his screenname and called it quits with the IM world outside
of people he knew...
Yes, it was a good time and a bad time. I was addicted to IM, I flirted with so many girls
you'd think I wasn't the quirky, awkward guy I seem to present myself on here as my interaction with the opposite
sex.
I can't remember the last time I was on Instant Messenger. It seems like forever, and I don't feel a
need to go back. Apparently, I found a new place to vent my antics...
PR
This
post is dedicated to the construction of the new forum.
Gossamer_2701
06-06-2004, 05:50 PM
Now that's what I'm
talk'in bout:cool:
I laughed .... I cried....
Great post Pancho!!!:D
franki
06-06-2004, 05:54 PM
Yeah, don't take IM too serious..
;) :D
Pancho1188
06-09-2004, 11:35 AM
McWhat?
By Pancho
Rivera
I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.
To give a little background on my story, I
eat relatively healthy, although I need to eat more than most people to keep my weight up for the amount of exercise
I do. I have cereal for breakfast, many times Total for the 100% of vitamins and minerals. I pack my lunch
with a sandwich, salad, fruit cup, and small but adequate dessert of cookies or wafers. I balance my dinner with
grains, meat and veggies to go with the dairy, fruit, and other things I had throughout the day. I eat well. I
exercise 5 days per week.
This might mean absolutely nothing to people watching a possible documentary.
I
didn't pack my lunch for the week on Sunday, so I usually get lazy and just buy for most of the week. I was
feeling a little guilty about the $$$ I was spending, so I decided to try to think of the best deal. Subway? ABP?
Chipotle? Hmmm...McDonald's? I haven't been there in a couple of months...I can buy off the dollar menu and save
some money. It's a few blocks, so I can take a walk in the balmy 90+ degree weather we're having. Sounds good.
I walk over. I don't like this McDonald's because there's always a guy workin' the door like a bouncer...only
trying to get money. Do I need this kind of stuff when I'm walking into McDonald's? Why does this guy think I'm
going into McDonald's...because the food's great? Hell, no. It's cheap. I'm trying to save money...if
I were to go to McDonald's and give the difference up, I'd be defeating the purpose of even going here. I don't
mean to sound frustrated with beggars, I'm just frustrated in general.
I check my order to find the cheapest
possible option. The Dollar Menu. What do they have? I want to feel full, so let's mix it up. Double
cheeseburger. McChicken. McValue Fries ("McValue Fries"??? What the---I mean, why don't you just call it,
"You're a cheap bastard, so here's the smallest possible size we offer"). Side Salad. Good combo. I'll go with
that.
$4.40 is my total bill. That's not bad...my usual bill buying lunch is ~$6-$7...and these are all
without buying beverages because I drink water...and seriously, I'm not paying $2 for ice...but my frugle nature
isn't the point of this story...sad as it is... Packing my lunch probably comes to around $3.00 or so, so if you
count the time it takes to make it and buy the stuff and everything, it's almost even.
(Per meal: lunch
meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or
$.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers, etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or
take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)
Yeah, I'm a little crazy about prices. I'm the guy who
goes 60% generic brand and 40% "whatever's on sale".
But I digress...
I walk out with my meal. I was going
to give the guy at the door a dime, but two girls were walking by and his attention was on them...so I keep walking.
Then, a camera crew accosts me about a 30-second interview regarding nutrition. Awesome! I'm so excited because
I'm all about nutrition and health and exercise. I can actually give intelligent feedback on the subject.
Unfortunately, I realize that they are there to catch people walking out of McDonald's. They don't give a crap
about me, they want to show how dumb people are to go and eat all of that fattening crap without regard to their
health. I am suddenly remembering every street quiz I've ever seen trying to make people look stupid.
I hate
when people try to make me look like a tool.
They ask me if I know anything about the food pyramid. I give an
answer like I was reading a textbook. I know about the "little fats", the 2-3 milk and meat, the 4-6 fruit and
veggies, the 9-11 grains (yeah, they might've changed it since I was in HS, but that's the way it was "back in the
day"). They ask me about my nutritional values. I try to express what I wrote in the first paragraph, but I am
very disoriented by the camera and the on-the-spot feeling I have...and then it happens. As I'm talking, the
camera man moves from my face, down to the McDonald's bag, and back to my face. I'm in a trap. F*ck.
I
suddenly have a vision of the end result of this. I see myself through the camera. I see the documentary now.
American's don't know jack or don't care about what they're eating, by some guy trying to spite fast food
chains. Not that I disagree with their stance, but I am becoming a pawn in the war on unhealthy food. I see them
talking about how Americans eat unhealthy...I see them talking about people who say they eat healthy and know about
health but eat bad food anyway. I see my face reciting the food pyramid and how I eat healthy while the camera
"innocently" moves just to show that I'm preaching health with a McDonald's bag in my hand. Yes, it is a
beautiful documentary piece...and I look like a dumb, ignorant American. I'm in a catch-22. I either look like an
unhealthy, ignorant freak or an intelligent person who doesn't practice what he preaches. They have me. Damn them
all to hell. I switch from realistic vision to the unrealistic one of me taking out the camera man by punching him
so hard that he doesn't know what his name is...
...but I must remain focused. It's time for "Damage
Control". I won't only look like an idiot, but I'll try to paint a better picture of myself and hope they don't
edit it out to the only one part where I say I eat healthy and know the food pyramid off by heart but am holding a
McDonald's bag in my hand. I should just pull out the side salad I ordered and show them what I actually bought.
Anyone who sees those bags...yes, bags, I needed two because side salads always get their own bags...will see
a Big Mac and Super-Sized Fries with enough calories to replace Jared's hundreds of pounds from the Subway diet.
I list what I can about what I eat. I notice I say, "ummm..." a lot because I can't think of the right words.
Damn my introverted self that I lose my verbal prowess on-the-spot compared to when I write or have time to
think...I talk about my Total and a banana for breakfast...my balanced dinner...the fact that I came here
because it's cheap. I should've made a stand by saying that if they came out with "Healthy Fast Food" where you
could get a fruit cup, veggies and fat-free dip, and a sandwich for $4, I'd eat that every day.
The interview
ended by asking me how important a healthy diet was. I am smarter than they're trying to make me look with my
McDonald's bag in my hand. Who is this guy to try to get people to judge me, anyway? This guy has me by about 60
lbs. of...well, we'll just say that it wasn't muscle. I can tell he hasn't seen the gym in a while. That's
it...
"Well, a healthy diet isn't the only part you should be focusing on. You need to mix diet and exercise
to really be a healthy person. I work out 5 days a week."
Yeah, stick it to the man, b!tch. If any part that
makes me look intelligent stays in that interview, I can guarantee you that it will be that. I may be proving their
point that people need diet and exercise in their lives while avoiding crap like McDonald's. Well, at least this
wasn't a total hit to my pride.
The interview is over. The lady there thanks me a lot for a great interview.
They all thought it was good, apparently.
"You had to catch me the one day I go to McDonald's," I
said...
"Oh, that's okay..." she said.
Yeah, it's okay so you'll make me look like an idiot. I walk
away, running the slug in the face again through my mind to get my mind off of the potential bad ways they could
edit that to make me look dumb. I noticed that I never even asked them what it was for or anything...
I hate
when people try to make me look like a tool.
I just hope I'm wrong...but I still want to break that camera
man's face.
Look for me in the upcoming documentary, The Stupid People who Think They Know about Health but
Eat at McDonald's...
PR
franki
06-09-2004, 12:19 PM
:D See it like this: slim people can
afford to go to McD's. :D
nonscents
06-09-2004, 02:19 PM
The McD's piece was too good!
It's so far out it must be true.
Elana
06-09-2004, 03:03 PM
(Per meal: lunch
meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or
$.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers, etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or
take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)
What are you, six years old? :D
Wafer cookies
and a fruit cup? :D :D :D
KittyClair
06-09-2004, 03:45 PM
What are you, six
years old? :D
Wafer cookies and a fruit cup? :D :D :D
WTF is a fruit cup, :D ...is that like
for lazy people who cant peel their own fruit? I dont even notice stuff like that when I shop, my mind dosnt
register useless things.
Elana
06-09-2004, 03:54 PM
It's a little treat for kids
:D
Fruit salad in a cute little plastic cup
Sexyredhead
06-09-2004, 03:57 PM
I happen to like fruit cups!
Especially the little pineapple tidbit ones. :D
(Pineapple is another thing that doesn't mix well with
latex paint. :D )
KittyClair
06-10-2004, 10:52 AM
McWhat?
By Pancho Rivera
I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.
To give a little
background on my story, I eat relatively healthy, although I need to eat more than most people to keep my weight up
for the amount of exercise I do. I have cereal for breakfast, many times Total for the 100% of vitamins and
minerals. I pack my lunch with a sandwich, salad, fruit cup, and small but adequate dessert of cookies or wafers.
I balance my dinner with grains, meat and veggies to go with the dairy, fruit, and other things I had throughout the
day. I eat well. I exercise 5 days per week.
This might mean absolutely nothing to people watching a
possible documentary.
I didn't pack my lunch for the week on Sunday, so I usually get lazy and just buy for
most of the week. I was feeling a little guilty about the $$$ I was spending, so I decided to try to think of the
best deal. Subway? ABP? Chipotle? Hmmm...McDonald's? I haven't been there in a couple of months...I can buy
off the dollar menu and save some money. It's a few blocks, so I can take a walk in the balmy 90+ degree weather
we're having. Sounds good.
I walk over. I don't like this McDonald's because there's always a guy
workin' the door like a bouncer...only trying to get money. Do I need this kind of stuff when I'm walking into
McDonald's? Why does this guy think I'm going into McDonald's...because the food's great? Hell, no. It's
cheap. I'm trying to save money...if I were to go to McDonald's and give the difference up, I'd be
defeating the purpose of even going here. I don't mean to sound frustrated with beggars, I'm just frustrated in
general.
I check my order to find the cheapest possible option. The Dollar Menu. What do they have? I
want to feel full, so let's mix it up. Double cheeseburger. McChicken. McValue Fries ("McValue Fries"??? What
the---I mean, why don't you just call it, "You're a cheap bastard, so here's the smallest possible size we
offer"). Side Salad. Good combo. I'll go with that.
$4.40 is my total bill. That's not bad...my usual
bill buying lunch is ~$6-$7...and these are all without buying beverages because I drink water...and seriously, I'm
not paying $2 for ice...but my frugle nature isn't the point of this story...sad as it is... Packing my lunch
probably comes to around $3.00 or so, so if you count the time it takes to make it and buy the stuff and everything,
it's almost even.
(Per meal: lunch meat...~$0.95... bread...~$0.10... salad...$0.75... dressing...$.25 (not
sure)... 6 wafers or 4 cookies...$0.10 or $.30... fruit cup...$.60-$.90 depending on type, size, etc...containers,
etc...$.02...that's about $3.00 give or take...plus prep time, washing the containers, etc.)
Yeah, I'm a
little crazy about prices. I'm the guy who goes 60% generic brand and 40% "whatever's on sale".
But I
digress...
I walk out with my meal. I was going to give the guy at the door a dime, but two girls were
walking by and his attention was on them...so I keep walking. Then, a camera crew accosts me about a 30-second
interview regarding nutrition. Awesome! I'm so excited because I'm all about nutrition and health and exercise.
I can actually give intelligent feedback on the subject.
Unfortunately, I realize that they are there to
catch people walking out of McDonald's. They don't give a crap about me, they want to show how dumb people are to
go and eat all of that fattening crap without regard to their health. I am suddenly remembering every street quiz
I've ever seen trying to make people look stupid.
I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.
They ask me if I know anything about the food pyramid. I give an answer like I was reading a textbook. I know
about the "little fats", the 2-3 milk and meat, the 4-6 fruit and veggies, the 9-11 grains (yeah, they might've
changed it since I was in HS, but that's the way it was "back in the day"). They ask me about my nutritional
values. I try to express what I wrote in the first paragraph, but I am very disoriented by the camera and the
on-the-spot feeling I have...and then it happens. As I'm talking, the camera man moves from my face, down to the
McDonald's bag, and back to my face. I'm in a trap. F*ck.
I suddenly have a vision of the end result of
this. I see myself through the camera. I see the documentary now. American's don't know jack or don't care
about what they're eating, by some guy trying to spite fast food chains. Not that I disagree with their
stance, but I am becoming a pawn in the war on unhealthy food. I see them talking about how Americans eat
unhealthy...I see them talking about people who say they eat healthy and know about health but eat bad food anyway.
I see my face reciting the food pyramid and how I eat healthy while the camera "innocently" moves just to show that
I'm preaching health with a McDonald's bag in my hand. Yes, it is a beautiful documentary piece...and I look like
a dumb, ignorant American. I'm in a catch-22. I either look like an unhealthy, ignorant freak or an intelligent
person who doesn't practice what he preaches. They have me. Damn them all to hell. I switch from realistic
vision to the unrealistic one of me taking out the camera man by punching him so hard that he doesn't know what his
name is...
...but I must remain focused. It's time for "Damage Control". I won't only look like an
idiot, but I'll try to paint a better picture of myself and hope they don't edit it out to the only one part where
I say I eat healthy and know the food pyramid off by heart but am holding a McDonald's bag in my hand. I should
just pull out the side salad I ordered and show them what I actually bought. Anyone who sees those bags...yes,
bags, I needed two because side salads always get their own bags...will see a Big Mac and Super-Sized Fries
with enough calories to replace Jared's hundreds of pounds from the Subway diet.
I list what I can about
what I eat. I notice I say, "ummm..." a lot because I can't think of the right words. Damn my introverted self
that I lose my verbal prowess on-the-spot compared to when I write or have time to think...I talk about my
Total and a banana for breakfast...my balanced dinner...the fact that I came here because it's cheap. I
should've made a stand by saying that if they came out with "Healthy Fast Food" where you could get a fruit cup,
veggies and fat-free dip, and a sandwich for $4, I'd eat that every day.
The interview ended by asking me
how important a healthy diet was. I am smarter than they're trying to make me look with my McDonald's bag in my
hand. Who is this guy to try to get people to judge me, anyway? This guy has me by about 60 lbs. of...well, we'll
just say that it wasn't muscle. I can tell he hasn't seen the gym in a while. That's it...
"Well, a
healthy diet isn't the only part you should be focusing on. You need to mix diet and exercise to really be a
healthy person. I work out 5 days a week."
Yeah, stick it to the man, b!tch. If any part that makes me
look intelligent stays in that interview, I can guarantee you that it will be that. I may be proving their point
that people need diet and exercise in their lives while avoiding crap like McDonald's. Well, at least this wasn't
a total hit to my pride.
The interview is over. The lady there thanks me a lot for a great interview. They
all thought it was good, apparently.
"You had to catch me the one day I go to McDonald's," I
said...
"Oh, that's okay..." she said.
Yeah, it's okay so you'll make me look like an idiot. I
walk away, running the slug in the face again through my mind to get my mind off of the potential bad ways they
could edit that to make me look dumb. I noticed that I never even asked them what it was for or anything...
I hate when people try to make me look like a tool.
I just hope I'm wrong...but I still want to break
that camera man's face.
Look for me in the upcoming documentary, The Stupid People who Think They Know
about Health but Eat at McDonald's...
PR
ohh Pancho, you are so cute.
a big
strapping lad like you with his lil' fruity Cupy....arrrr weeee weeee cutie pie....let me give you a big huggy
woOoOo
Pancho1188
06-14-2004, 09:36 AM
A
Little Bit of Subtlety
A Pheromone Post
By Pancho Rivera
I have been constantly reminded of
my lack of pheromone-related posts, so here we go:
I've been using ~4 drops of TE and ~4" of SOE (more or less
on both, I think I use less than that because I may not be using full drops or full inches due to how I apply) for a
while now, and it seems to get me more "presence". If you're looking to improve your status in society, this is a
decent combo.
Now, I can't account for the fact that I've been trying to wear clothes that accentuate my
figure, but I've gotten the occasional look and receive smiles from people at work. I've noticed that my boss will
stop by just to say hi and mention something and then have an awkward goodbye because there's nothing else to say.
Now, maybe I'm just awkward, I don't know. I don't really use cover scents because the SOE has a nice fragrance
to it, and I spread the TE to a point where it's too subtle to even notice. When I do cover, I usually use one
spray of cologne (don't ask me what kind because I really don't know and don't care...although one is Tommy
Hilfiger, the other is "NFL Cologne" with the 49ers on it I got like 7 years ago or so as a gift...). I personally
don't like too much if any cologne because it's just powerful stuff and eminates around you. I don't want to be a
walking perfume department...maybe I should change my tune. I don't know.
That all being said, I have noticed
people looking my way here and there. I notice that when I don't wear it, I can become almost invisible and left
out of conversations. That can happen, anyway, if I'm tired and have nothing to provide in way of interesting
banter, but what an old friend called the "sidewalk effect", where three people will always lead to two people and a
third doing a dance to keep up with the group, I was always that third guy until I wore -mones. I remember the last
time this gorgeous girl was talking to me and there was a third guy, someone she seemed to know better than me...I
was thinking, "Oh, no...now with this third guy here, I'm screwed..." Somehow, though, we came out of that
elevator, and I was the #1 man next to her carrying on the conversation. I remember a split attention as I was
talking to her and thinking about how I was the man by actually being the guy to keep the conversation going
with her while the #2 guy was falling behind and leaving the conversation.
Yeah, bitch. :)
In conclusion, TE
and SOE make a good combination.
PR
Pancho1188
06-23-2004, 06:19 AM
The Birth
of the Mack
A little bit of everything...
By Pancho Rivera
Dear Tallmacky,
Hey, big
guy! :wave: So, I was surfing the forum :type: and heard it through the grapevine (or the long thread dedicated to
you...and a post before that...and the Love-Scent announcement...you get what I mean :rasp: ) that it was...of all
things...your birthday. I thought,
"Wow...Welcomehttp://66.45.239.2
27/forum/images/smilies/ls/welcome.gif (http://66.45.239.227/forum/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=17#) to the world of being 19. It's a trip. Cheers. :cheers:"
I
was thinking, "Good post. :goodpost:" I was all proud of myself...but no! :nono: That's not good
enough for Tallmacky!!! What was I thinking?!?!? :trout: I had to think of the post beyond posts... :think: One that
could top everything... :rant: What could that possibly be?!?!? Think, Pancho, think!!!
http://66.45.239.227/forum/image
s/smilies/ls/frustrated.gif (http://66.45.239.227/forum/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=17#)
What do you get for the man who worships :box: the star female of this
forum? Who's absolutely infatuated...
http://66.45.239.227/forum/image
s/smilies/ls/lovestruck.gif (http://66.45.239.227/forum/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=17#) You'd be totally whipped if they were actually together... :whip: ...but
I'm sure that sounds perfectly fine to both of you... :rofl:
I'm thinking so hard, it's making me sick...
http://66.45.239.227/forum/image
s/smilies/ls/sick.gif (http://66.45.239.227/forum/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=1&forumid=17#) I can't do what everyone else has done... Elana probably gave you a kiss...
:kiss: Aww, how sweet for the Big Mack... :wub:
I thought of something...it's at the tip of my tongue...it's
poking at me... :POKE: I know! 19 konks on the head! :hammer: ...and one to grow on!!!
:twisted: ...and then we
throw him off a 19-story building into a pool filled with jello! Then the members of the forum will get dead drunk
:drunk: and dance around the pool singing, "I'm Henry VIII, I am" over and over again...with the words changed like
this:
I'm Macky the Great, I am
Macky the Great, I am, I am
I got married to Elana last night
She didn't
even try to run :run: or fight
And everyone yells, "Macky!" ("Macky!")
Macky the Great, I am, I am
Macky
the Great, I am...
Second verse...same as the first!!!
Wait a second... :blink: I'm not mean enough :smite:
to throw Tallmacky off of a 19-story building... He's been nothing but good to me. :angel: What kind of friend
would I be??? :sad:
Wait a second...by debating my thoughts, I just gave Tallmacky one nice present. I dedicated
an entire posting to him using all of the new smilies. Alright! :thumbsup: Happy birthday, buddy! :lol:
PR
SweetBrenda
07-03-2004, 12:33 AM
*Waitng on
UpDate*:blink:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
einstein
07-03-2004, 03:35 AM
I'd love to see another chapter
too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks. :(
SweetBrenda
07-04-2004, 12:51 AM
I'd love to
see another chapter too. But it seems Pancho has gone silent for a few weeks. :( am with you einstein
I'd love to read an update. Pancho come out come out where ever you are. Hope you're doing
fine.
Brenda
Pancho1188
07-12-2004, 02:01 PM
Scientific Proof of Pheromones
By Pancho Rivera
The following question raises the concept of
attraction that I am so compelled to answer that I may just enlighten a few minds with the wonders of human
behavior:
Is there any scientific proof of pheromone product increasing the
perceived attractiveness of the wearer?
If pheromone products really
worked then such a study would easily increase sales tremendously.
All
I see here is anecdotic evidence, and anecdotic evidence is almost no evidence at all.
I am looking for scientific proof for the beneficial effect of specific pheromone
products.The subject of pheromone products is an issue that begs an even larger question: How
do I attract the opposite sex?
I'll tell you that, historically speaking, this has been the most important
question to ever arise in human thought. You may think I am exaggerating, and maybe I am...but the number one goal
that we can 'scientifically prove' exists for the human race or any other life forms containing two sexes that
must mate in order to carry on the species is that humans, as a species, try to attract the opposite sex in order to
mate and produce offspring. After all, religion, civilization, and a slight genetic modification that leads one to
become attracted to the same sex aside, the basic life drive in every species is to live, mate, procreate, and
protect the next generation.
Now, why am I bothering you with historical theories as to the origin of the
species, human psychology, and the very question of the purpose of our existence? Let's scale this down a little.
Basically, you're at this site and forum to learn more about pheromones, right? The question is, "Do they work?"
You're thinking it. I'm thinking it. We're all thinking it if we're at this site. Well, I'll tell you flat out
that there is no way you're going to be able to 'scientifically prove' that pheromones will absolutely and
without a doubt make you more attractive to the opposite sex. How can I make such a bold statement? Easy...and I'll
support it with a proverb:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
This quite possibly sums up everything you
can say about what will get you laid.
I will compare pheromones to every other product known to man---or just
four, whichever comes first---that will make you more likely to get laid.
Clothes - Will they get you laid?
Maybe. If you clean yourself up and flaunt around in your new Armani suit, FUBU/A&F/Hilfiger/Old Navy/Banana
Republic (this is surely dating this post if this becomes the new explanation of pheromones) outfit, some lucky man
or woman may just like your style. They may think it's a show. They may think you're an idiot for spending $200 on
a shirt. They may think that means you'll spend $200 on one of his or hers. The best thing I can say is to get
something that fits your personality and style. Go with it, and if a man or woman doesn't like you for who you are,
then that's their problem because there are so many people out there.
Makeup - Will it get you laid? I've seen
so many women wear tons of makeup and look incredibly disgusting. I've seen women wear just the right combination
to be knockouts. I personally love natural beauties who look fine without any and are comfortable with that. In
other words, makeup won't make you any more likely to get laid with me, but it'll certainly give you a shot with a
lot of guys out there. If it makes you feel better about yourself, more power to you.
Money, a Fancy Car,
Jewelery, 'Bling Bling' - Will this get you laid? Maybe. It certainly doesn't hurt, but don't let it go to your
head. "Money can't buy me love." But it could get you a night with someone...if you're into that sort of thing.
Perfume/Cologne - Will this get you laid? Maybe. Wearing too much cheap cologne will repel people faster than two
electromagnets set at the same polarity---or wearing a leisure suit, talking like Gilbert Godfrey, and having an
unhealthy obsession with Gary Coleman. On the other hand, just the right scent can send a person into a heavenly
state of bliss that will have them melting into your hands. As unlikely as either two of those situations are, the
most likely outcome is some people will like the scent and others won't. Obviously, you may be targeting one
person, in that case you try to find out what he or she likes through experimentation. "I wonder if (s)he'll
compliment me on this scent? Hmmm..."
Is there scientific fact that money, clothes, makeup, perfume, or anything
else will guarantee an increase in your sexual activity over the course of the year? Unless you're paying for 365
sexual encounters and 366 on a leap year, I don't think so. I do, however, believe that they wouldn't hurt and to
try them if it does the following things that I've touched on in these humorous analyses:
1. Get something that
fits your personality and style.
2. If it makes you feel better about yourself, more power to you.
3. It certainly
doesn't hurt, but don't let it go to your head.
4. The most likely outcome is some people will like it and others
won't.
Wow, those four points somehow align with things you should consider with pheromone usage.
And now,
without further ado, I will answer the eternal question:
Pheromones - Will they get you laid? Maybe. A nice
subtle bodily signal that sends friendly, sensual messages to those around you saying, "Hey, I'm interesting," will
get you noticed. People not looking for anything probably won't notice you in a sexual manner, but maybe with a
hint of something that stirs their primative urges, they'll take a second look. They'll think. They'll
wonder...and that, my friend, is just the edge that you get. Sometimes, that's all the edge a person requires to
make a successful social or sexual encounter.
Go with something that suits you. Go with what you think that
person would like. If it makes you feel good about yourself, or causes the infamous placebo effect, what's the
difference? Confidence is sexy, and if confidence came in a small bottle, I'd buy it. Some people buy expensive
stuff or get plastic surgery to feel like better people. This costs a lot less than a nose job, and it'll certainly
be less painful. Don't let it go to your head, though, because you'll either be expecting a magical transition to
'super stud' and be disappointed or be acting like you're 'super stud' and get passed off as full of yourself.
The most likely outcome is that some people will like it and some won't. You shouldn't care about those who
aren't interested, and those that are...well, go get 'em, tiger.
Will they work for you? I don't know. You
could always try...after all, people have done dumber and crazier things to attract the opposite sex.
Men have
fought wars, risen to positions of greatness, killed, been killed, lied, cheated, stolen, and millions of other
things to get women.
Women have worn corsets...enough said.
PR
TopDawg2050
07-12-2004, 03:18 PM
What you wear can completely
change you, i agree. You've seen movie stars without theyre makeup, movie crews can take the worst of people and,
quite literally, make them movies stars
Holmes
07-14-2004, 06:58 PM
Gilbert
Godfrey
The whiney little black guy in those 7-uP commercials? :D
SweetBrenda
07-14-2004, 09:39 PM
:wave: Hello
*~Pancho~*
Is nice to have you back from time to time. I really enjoy reading your long
& nice posts. Definately someone I would love to get to know a lot more...You are very interesting & not forgetting
lovable & pretty sincere from what I read.. Were you using phermones while you were writting this?
:lovestruc
Pancho1188
07-30-2004, 03:26 PM
Back in the
Game
By Pancho Rivera
"I'm back, baby!" --- George Costanza
It's been a long time. A long time.
I remember the last time I flirted with my ex. We met for the first time at a party. I was a little tipsy, and that
was not the norm for me. I remember watching her play beer pong, and she was on a roll. I walked up like I was all
cool and complimented her on her shot.
"What a good shot. Look at that arc! What a release!"
I mimic her
hand motion as I pretend to take a shot. I'm not sure what the hell I was doing, but apparently, she liked it. I
had her Instant Messenger screenname by the end of the night, and I was super excited. I had no idea what would
become of this, but like G-Unit, "I wanna get to know you." Those were some good times. I couldn't wait until the
next time we hung out together.
It's been 22 months since then. It's also one year since I made love to her
and almost ten months since I could call her my girlfriend (the last two months I was away, and then she broke up
with me a few days after I returned). I have had a girl that really liked me since then, but I didn't really want
her in that way. It's been a long time since I've been in the game. That time may be coming to an end.
This
girl walks by my cubicle. She just started working here recently, and I ask her how she's doing. She tells me that
she needs me to help her with something, and I do so. Her desk is being moved close to mine, and I welcome her as a
future neighbor.
She moves in today, and I help her configure her monitor settings to fit her computer. I
receive an e-mail shortly after thanking me for helping her twice. I'm very glad this nice person moved close to me
because my friend was moving to another place shortly. My friend mentions to her to find an 'e-mail buddy' to
exchange witty banter with to keep spirits high. I don't know if he was doing me a favor, but it crossed my mind
that he was hooking me up. We e-mail each other...I e-mail her with witty comments such as my changing popular song
lyrics to fit random events and quoting movies, and she replies with something cheerful here and there.
We talk
occasionally, and I find myself trying too hard as always. I finally just lay back and let things happen. I see a
person or two pass by and talk to her. She tells me she likes it over where I am because people are actually social.
I know, I have the cool area...designated as such ever since my friend and I started here.
This one guy starts
talking to her frequently...I find myself getting jealous once or twice. I'm not sure why, but you can guess. I get
over it, however, and go about my business.
The talking continues, and I offer such things as to help her move
her things and go take a walk sometime. She smiles and says she might take me up on my offers. Is this a good sign?
I hope so...
It has been a good day today...productive and social. I have my SOE on, and I have no doubt that
this is contributing to the well-being around me. I ask her what she's doing this weekend. We talk about the game
I'm going to Saturday, my relaxing Sunday, and her plans. She has to finish something, so I retreat back to my
desk.
I'm sitting here trying to finish something before I leave for the weekend. I think about helping her
next weekend. I was going to ask about this weekend, but she sounded busy. Suddenly, she gets up and looks at me. I
smile and look at her. The next thing suprises me to no end:
"If I have free time this weekend, I might be going
to a museum if you want to go."
What?!?!?!? I can't believe my ears. It only took two seconds for my
whole world to change. Then again, nothing really changed. It's all perspective, I guess. This whole process feels
very familiar...
"Sure, that sounds fun. Do you want me to give you my number?"
She has a piece of paper in
her hands. I guess that answers my question.
"No, here's mine. Just give me a call, and I'll figure out if I
have time to go do something."
"Okay, and then you can applaud me."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I told you before that
my philosophy is, 'Well, if they want to talk to me, they'll call me.'"
She tells me just to call her and we
can see what's up. I'm looking at the paper with her number on it. Wow, this is a big development. It suddenly
becomes a whole lot hotter in this office. That fuzzy feeling overcomes me.
I realize the office 'dance' that
one has to undergo when in these situations. I take this as a signal that office = subtle, but outside of this I
have to be a man and take action. I can live with that.
Now, I can't promise anything. I'd like to just hang
out and have a work and activity buddy...but I guess that feeling I get is like a signal of what stuff like this
does to me...
Wow, I am suddenly back in the game. When the hell did that happen?
PR
Pancho1188
08-03-2004, 06:17 AM
A
Temporary Inconvenience
By Pancho Rivera
I was supposed to go hang out with this girl on Sunday. I
had been psyched since Friday when she made the suggestion. On Saturday, I went to a soccer game. I was in the sun
all day with no sun screen. Sometimes you just forget these things. I came home looking like a raddish. I was so
red that I could've convinced people that a new skin color existed. I could've started a new form of
discrimination: "Hey, red. Hey, reddie red-red. Hey, red-face. Hey, you stupid rosa. Yeah, that's right...you
red bastard!"
I was fried. Man, it looked pretty bad. I was freaked out that I looked dumb and she would be
embarrassed to be seen with me. What did I do? I called her up, left a message saying that I was wondering if she
was still going out and if I would be accompanying her, and then jokingly told her that I had a fun time yesterday
but got completely sunburned so I hoped she wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me.
We ended up going out,
and we had a great time. I even forgot that I was sunburned. That allowed me to be natural, and everything turned
out fine. I could only imagine what I'd have done had I cancelled out. If I see a chance, I take it. The only
one obsessed with my own shortcomings is me.
I've gotten the, "Looks like you've got some sun," and, "Wow, you
got sunburned," but nobody ever gave me anymore of a hard time than that. I don't even care. In fact, that
particular ailment makes for a good conversation starter.
I get pimples/zits/whatever a lot. I don't even
worry about it. That stuff comes and goes, and I don't even notice anymore except for when it hurts. I have
freckles, so I guess that helps because my face is full of dots, anyway.
In other words, I would rather seize an
opportunity to be with someone and have a good time than to let something stupid like that get in the way. If I
felt bad, I would apologize for it, get the, "Oh, it's no big deal," reassurance from the person I was with, and
forget about it. Otherwise, I would just go on without even mentioning it. There's only so many times someone
will go out of their way to talk to you and get rejected...
Obstacles, problems, and ailments go away, but
you'll always be there.
PR
Pancho1188
08-19-2004, 08:18 AM
Experience
is the Key
A post of realization for the generation gap
By Pancho Rivera
With age
comes experience. It is the natural progression of things. You can tell people to do something, but until they
actually do it they will never understand what the hell you are talking about. My major is a perfect example of
this. I was a finance major, and they didn't teach me jack about making money in the stock market. Hell, they
didn't teach me much of anything. The first thing they admit is that they couldn't tell you how to win in the
stock market game, they could only teach you the principles of the stock market and hope that you learn how to do
the best you can with the knowledge of the fundamentals. Life works by the same rules.
You can teach children
how to live. You can tell boys how to pick up girls. They won't know what the hell you are talking about. They
won't be able to do it without experience. All you can do is lay out the principles of relationships and hope that
by understanding the fundamentals they can learn how to maximize the benefits of this knowledge by applying it to
their lives in combination with their experiences.
People are listening. They just don't have the experience
to apply the principles. One day, they will. When the time comes, they will become wise and try to pass on that
knowledge to the next generation, wondering why the hell the kids don't understand or listen to what they're
talking about. After all, now that you have the experience, the method seems easy. Remember, it's not. It only
seems that way when you've had so much experience that you can't remember life any other way.
Instead of
giving them a verbal smackdown and telling them how easy it is, which only makes people mad and resentful, maybe
it's easier to sympathize and tell them how it's hard until you get experience with it, and the key is to
encourage them to keep trying until it becomes easier. It's almost as hard watching others struggle as it was to
struggle yourself with the same problem only a short time ago.
Life is hard. If it wasn't hard, everybody
would succeed. The hard is what makes all of the hell you went through to get there worth it.
PR
Mtnjim
08-19-2004, 12:00 PM
Ya' know, the difference between an
old person and a young 'un is:
The old person has had the time to make the stupid mistakes a young 'un
hasn't gotten around to yet!! :hammer: :rofl:
Pancho1188
08-20-2004, 08:31 AM
The Keys
Proof
that life is sometimes a series of strange coincidences
By Pancho Rivera
I went to the gym, gave my keys to the lady, and noticed that she gave me my
locker key and didn’t replace my house keys on the hook. I went to my locker, and in the confusion of having to
find a place to put my stuff to change, I proceeded to put my stuff in another locker that was open because someone
apparently took the key back to the front desk without shutting
it.
The person who got that locker's key next came up from behind me, looked at
me and asked if I had the right locker, to which I shamefully started moving my stuff from his locker to mine. He
offered to just switch locker keys, but I declined because I knew that we’d get our keys mixed up at the front desk
and then it’d be a huge mess. I go to the front desk at the end of my workout, and my keys were not on the hook for
my locker number.
I couldn’t remember who took my key, but I specifically remembered that event
of her not replacing the locker key for my keys before she started servicing someone else. After almost ten minutes
of confusion, I finally noticed the one defining quality of my keys from the hundred others: my work cardkey. I got
my keys and went home.
After getting home, I almost set my keys somewhere else other than the place
that I usually put them, and I instinctively stopped myself because I didn’t want to lose my keys like the gym did.
I was going to watch a movie, but I remembered that my computer was screwed up and it wouldn’t play the DVD
properly. I therefore decided to watch an episode of Seinfeld that I hadn’t seen in a while, and after watching it
for a few minutes remembered today’s event. The episode I chose without realizing the connection: The Keys, where
Kramer abuses his key privileges, everyone switches spare key buddies, and Jerry loses his
keys.
Sometimes strange themes arise in different parts of your life. None of
these events would've happened on any other day, but they all happened at once on that particular day. Go
figure.
PR
Snoopy
08-22-2004, 09:58 PM
"A Temporary
Inconvenience"
Pancho, to me, this is your greatest story yet. I'm 19 and ravaged by pimples. Since highschool,
I used to lock myself up at home and get depressed often because of my acne. I even thought about suicide. But after
years of missing out, I realized that there were some things that were just out of my control, and that I had to
live with. Now, I try my best to grab every opportunity I can. I admit, I still have my ups and downs, but they
aren't nearly as severe as before. Reading that story has only strengthened my confidence. Thank you!!
Pancho1188
09-03-2004, 03:17 PM
Deja Vu
By Pancho
Rivera
Deja Vu
By Pancho Rivera
Rita: Have you ever had deja
vu?
Phil Connors: Didn't you just ask me that?
--- Groundhog Day
My whole life has come full circle. I have made many mistakes in my day, and they seem to have come back to haunt
me again. In fact, my very reason for being here...for writing this...it's all found a way to repeat itself. What
is going on here?
There are three people of interest to me between the past year and the year before that...a
big brother of sorts, a serious girlfriend, and another girl that played a major role yet didn't have the
importance she should have due to one reason or another...ironically, the last person's importance is in that
mixture of importance and lack of importance...or something like that.
My 'big brother'/best friend was the
closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from then on we grew apart despite the fact that we
were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we did before. I guess life is funny like that
sometimes.
My girlfriend was part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we made a connection, and
we really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we were in
at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same organization.
Something happened, and we
hooked up. She went home and talked to her friends, and from then on we were strictly friends and she completely
avoided anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We were friends for a while, and I eventually grew
tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just
afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she had been cheated on before and didn't want to
get hurt. I pushed and pushed. I even stopped talking to her for a while when she went out with this other guy
when I thought she'd finally go out with me. Almost six months of best friendship, and I somehow convinced her she
did actually like me and it was worth a shot.
We went out for six months, but when graduation approached, she
bolted. I was crushed, but I eventually got over it. Shortly after this, she developed an eating disorder, and I
gave whatever support I could to help her get better...I swallowed every ounce of pain and anger to help my best
friend...
During my horrible breakup, I met someone who was very much like myself and on the opposite side of
the spectrum as my ex. She had some of the same personal problems I had (not including this recent breakup thing).
She was there for me more than anyone could've asked for...and we were close occasionally (as in we hooked up), but
I continually apologized for my inability to get emotionally attached because of my recent breakup and approaching
graduation. She didn't trust or get emotionally attached to men, so it actually kind of worked out in some twisted
way. On a side note, I wished I could've helped her trust people but ironically was just another one of those
people who come and go in her life since I had to graduate and move on...
My TV broke. My bed (futon) broke,
but fortunately I was able to fix that. I had a slow start in my major, but eventually I came on strong and moved
up to the top of the class...straight A's after the disasterous first semester in Finance. I was lonely for a
period, but then activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...
Fast forward to job...
My start group partner/best friend was the closest relationship I had at the time. Something happened, and from
then on we grew apart despite the fact that we were still near enough to each other to hang out and do the things we
did before. I guess life is funny like that sometimes.
Two weeks after I started, a new person moves into the
desk close to me. She has 75% resemblance to my friend who I left just months before...like a haunting memory of
things past...
My good friend is part of a long story. We were instantly friends because we were new neighbors
at work and really liked each other. Developing a relationship would've been dangerous as to the circumstances we
were in at the time making it hard to be in a relationship being in the same office...same area even.
Something
happened, and there was a moment of awkwardness...even sexual tension. I went home and she talked to her friends,
and from then on we were strictly friends, from a 'preemptive rejection', if you will, and she completely avoided
anything else. She barely wanted to even speak of it. We have been friends for a while, and I eventually grew
tired as I knew I liked her more than that and I could tell by her actions that she liked me more and was just
afraid because both the organizational problem and the fact that she has other issues I am not aware of at the
moment. I stopped talking to her for a while when she tried to get me to go out with this other girl when I thought
she liked me.
My bed broke. My TV broke, but I can get that fixed. I'm having a slow start in my career, but
eventually I hope that I'll figure out where I should really be and flourish. I was lonely for a period, but then
activity started picking up and I had stuff to do every weekend...
My whole life is repeating itself. I'm
watching it before my very eyes. I don't know what to do. I'm looking at this girl, I know that this is the same
situation I was before, but I don't know how to handle it differently. Should I handle it differently? Will I
repeat the same mistakes I've made before? Am I a better man now or is this just another bump in the road of life?
What will happen?
I didn't kiss her when I had the chance this time. The same thing still happened. At least
last time I saw a little action before the girl freaked out. As always, I'm going to tell the truth about the
whole thing and lay it flat out for her. This time, I know the game. I've been there. I know exactly what
happened...even with the parts I wasn't there to witness. I'm going to call her on it. Am I right? Can I trust
myself that I know all that I know? What will happen? Will it even change anything? Am I going to really get to
liking this girl like before? I've been holding back because I noticed the same pattern.
All I know is that
this is really freaking me out. I don't know how to change things. I almost feel helpless, but at the same time I
feel like I have the chance to make different choices this time around...to learn, to grow. What would you do with
a second chance?
I sit staring at the wall. I ponder my place in life. I think about the psychological
significance of all of this information. This is too much for a mortal to process at once. What does it mean?
I'm not sure, but I guess I'm about to find out in due time...
You only live once...or do you?
PR
Holmes
09-03-2004, 05:57 PM
Hmmm.
Karma? Blizzard,
perhaps?
Either way, I know what you mean.
Pancho1188
09-15-2004, 03:17 PM
Memoirs of a Shaky Relationship
By Pancho Rivera
I'm sitting at my desk at the end of the day
I'm
staring at my e-mail and the words on display
I don't know the way, don't know what to say
I just keep thinking
maybe she's just quiet today
I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do
I read the message three
times and still don't have a clue
Is she mad? Is she sad? Is it bad?
I keep on hoping maybe she would tell me
she's glad
To hear from me about my plans for the weekend
And that I'd like to do something with her as a
friend
I don't think she gets it...I don't think she'd let it
Get to the point where we don't talk and then
just forget it
I think about how she's over it now I think and I frown
Don't see a way out I'm truly in
doubt
I wish I could think of a way to get me out of this pout
I think of my ex...I wonder what's next
I keep
on thinking how long it's been since I've had sex
I'm over it now...We've been through this now
I push it to
the back of my mind just for now
And then I stop and I wonder just how this whole blunder
Could shock through
my heart, bolt of lightning and thunder
I only had it for a second and I got the wrong signal
But the words chant
in my mind like on Christmas Eve vigil
I've seen it dwindle...been back in the game
Only to rekindle...what
used to be an old flame
Could you relight it...try to fight it...but despite it
You try to move on, get through
the day undecided
Your head is cloudy, eyes are pouty, smile's lousy
You can't go to sleep even though you
are drowsy
And then you get it, it comes to you in dreamland
You won't regret it, your decision is at hand
You make the final choice and you take a deep breath
You hope your resolution will hold 'til your death
Swallow
your pride, don't try to hide what you will find
Is that your will to do the right thing is lying deep inside
I wake up, shake my head, think I'm dead
'Til I look around and realize that another day's ahead
I think to
myself, "What a dream...could it be?"
Is that the only thing that stands between you and me?
I sigh 'til I
die, never told her a lie
But that's the kind of thing you have to learn how to try
You don't wanna cry, you
keep your face dry
I only think that people like you when you don't ask them why
I think to myself, "What
happened to me?"
When did I become full of sorrow...feel this eternally
I get up to leave, I roll up my
sleeve
And then I get myself going...what a wicked web we weave
PR
Pancho1188
09-16-2004, 03:59 PM
The
Rationale
Logic for Living...Logic for Living Well
By Pancho Rivera
An
excerpt from 25th Hour:
*Looking in the Mirror*
"Heh, $%#* you too. $%#* me? $%#* you.
$%#* you and this whole city and everyone in it. $%#* the panhandlers grubbing for money and smiling at me behind my
back. $%#* the squeegee men dirtying up the clean winshield of my car, Get a $%#*in job. $%#* the *$%#@* and the
Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out of their pores, stinkin' up my day.
Terrorists in $%#*ing training --SLOW THE $%#* DOWN! $%#* the Chelsea Boys with their waxed chests and pumped up
biceps, going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jiggling their $%#*s on my Channel 35! $%#* the Korean
Grocers with their pyramids of over-priced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic, ten years in the
country still ‘no speaka English.’ $%#* the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafes, sipping tea
in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and scheming, go back where you $%#*ing
came from. $%#* the black Haddam in Hasidim strolling up and down 47th Street in their dirty gabardine with their
dandruff, selling South African Apartite Diamonds. $%#* the Wall Street Brokers, self-stout masters of the universe.
Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe $%#!#$%*@ figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those
Enron $%#$%#s to jail for $%#*ing life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that $%#*? Give me a $%#*ing
break. Tyco, Inclone, Adelphia, Worldcom. $%#* the Puerto Ricans, twenty to a car swelling up the welfare, world's
worst $%#*in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dumb-inicans, cause they make the Puerto
Ricans look good *wink*. $%#* the Benson Hearst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warmup suits, their
St. Anthony medallions, swinging like Jason Giambi, Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for The
Sopranos. $%#* the Upper East Side wives with their hand made scarves, and their fifty dollar Gucci artichokes.
Over-fed faces, getting pulled and lifted and stretched all taut and shiny, You're not foolin' anybody,
sweetheart! $%#* the Uptown Brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take 5 steps
on every layup to the hoop, and then they wanna turn around and blame everything on the White man. Slavery ended One
Hundred and Thirty Seven years ago, move the $%#* on! $%#* the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and
their 41-shots, standing behind the Blue Wall of Silence, You betray our trust! $%#* the priests who put their
hands down some innocent child's pants. $%#* the church that protects them while delivering us to evil, and while
you're at it, $%#* J.C. He got off easy, a day on the cross, a weekend in Hell, and all the halleluias of the
leigoned angels for eternity. Try seven years in $%#*in' Otisville, J. $%#* Osama bin Laden, Al Quaeda, and
backward-$%#, cave dwelling fundamentalist $%#*%^&@ everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray
you spend the rest of eternity with your 72 whores, roasting in a Jet-Fueled fire in hell. You towel-headed Camel
Jockeys can kiss my royal Irish @$$! $%#* Jacob Elinski, whining, malcontent. $%#* Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my
best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's @$$. $%#* Naturelle Rivera, I gave her my trust and she
stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, $%#*in' bitch. $%#* my father, with his endless greed, standing
behind that bar, sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen, and cheering the Bronx Bombers. $%#* this whole
city and everyone in it. From the rowhouses in Astoria to the Penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the
Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenaments in Alphabet City to the brownstones in park to the split-levels on
Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage, let it burn to $%#*in ash, and let the waters rise
and submerge this whole rat infested place.
No.....No, $%#* you
Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and you threw it away, you dumb $%#*!"
I look in the mirror.
Look at that face. I haven't seen such mature youth...such pleasant sadness...such calm fury. I stand back...the
scrawny body of a muscular physique...I'd be the sexiest man alive if I wasn't this ugly. At the same time, I
don't know what people are missing because that guy I'm staring at is a hottie...he could be on the cover of a
magazine...so why is he looking in the mirror wondering what an ugly mug he has...
My life is horrible. I hate
my job, I hate my life, I hate who I am, how I think, what I do, where I'm from, what I don't have, what I take
for granted, what I prevent myself from doing out of fear, how I hesitate from indecision, how nothing that comes
out of my mouth makes sense and nothing I plan ever comes to fruition. I watch the man approaching behind me...he
puts the gun to my head and pulls the trigger. I watch myself fall to the floor, knowing my life is over. What
would happen then? Anything? Would anyone care? Would it even matter? Why does everything bad always happen to
me? When is my big break? When am I going to get mine? Why am I always going to be stuck like this? What the
hell is going on? Why can't I ever change anything and why can't anything ever work out for me? Why can't I
find a girl? Why am I so alone? Why can't this just be over already? Who is doing this to me? Why can't the
powers that be just give me what I want so I can be happy?
My life is great. I have a good job, I make enough
money to live comfortably, I like the people I work with, I like my friends and acquaintances, I am healthy, I have
a body that pretty much requires no maintenance besides food, water, and sleep, and I never have to worry about
where I'm going to sleep at night or how I'm going to live through until tomorrow. I eat well and have the luxury
of time to ponder things like how the Steelers did or who might win the election come November. I don't have a
girl right now, but I currently need to focus on other areas of my life right now and probably shouldn't have one,
anyway. I'm feeling well and I know I am both physically and mentally capable of anything I set my mind to do. I
am not sure what I want to do with my life, but most people don't. It's okay, I'll just find what makes me happy
and continue on the path to self-realization. Bad things will hinder my progress along the way, but that's okay
because I wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if they came too easily...I can do this, and nobody is going
to tell me otherwise. Hell, I can't wait to get up tomorrow so I can get that much further towards my goals in
life. The only one who has the power to shape my destiny is me. No one else is to blame for my situation in this
world anymore. I'll be damned if I'm going to hold myself back...
I ponder these two attitudes. One
extremely negative, the other extremely positive. I look at these thought processes. Both could apply to my life
at the same time. I could see things either way. Like my first thoughts, I could even think them at the same time,
creating oxymorons and hyperbole. What has changed? Nothing. Everything is the same, and yet I could have these
two (or three) extremely different viewpoints about my situation.
Who's to blame for your problems? Who has
the power to solve them? What will be your choice when it comes down to it? Choosing to do nothing is still a
choice. Choosing to give up is still a choice.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
PR
Pancho1188
09-26-2004, 02:08 PM
The Run
By
Pancho Rivera
"They can because they think they can."
---Virgil
I've been reading about the
power of the mind. I'm a big psychology buff, and I know there's always room for improvement in the realm of
mental health. Being a recovering advocate of the 'worst-case scenario' thought process, I've lived my life
mostly on the basis of my own limitations. It's interesting to think about limitations, as the only limitations
are the ones you place on yourself. I still have a hard time believing this, but I know that thinking you can't do
something surely isn't going to get you actually doing it.
It's a Saturday, and I'm reading Tony Robbins'
book, Unlimited Power. It's a very interesting read on how to maximize your own effectiveness. It's
pretty much all about learning that your potential is a result of your own limitations, and your success is as
simple as modeling success (i.e. the successful). Sounds easy, right? As my pessimistic side kicks in, I'd say
no...but then my logical side kicks in and laughs by saying that by saying, "No," I'm effectively proving his
point. Wow, talk about an impossible argument...you either believe it's easy and do it, thus accomplishing what
you want and proving his point, or don't believe it and do nothing, also proving his point.
Okay, as a diligent
student of the psychological field...I guess it would benefit to test this theory. I read the chapter on beliefs
and get psyched up. Yes, I can do that! If I couldn't fail, I would do this! I would do that! I could do
anything! What the hell is stopping me? I know...I am! The only reason I'm not doing it is because I don't
think it can be done!
I'm psyched up and ready to roll. Where's my test? Hmmm...I'm going to the gym.
Perfect! I'm motivated, I'm psyched, and I am in perfect condition to get ready to run. In fact, one of the
examples in the book was that by modeling success and having the proper beliefs, a marathon runner cut his time by 9
minutes and qualified for the Boston Marathon for the first time ever.
I drink a sports drink to ensure
hydration, and I haven't eaten for a while...enough to run comfortably. I'm ready to roll. What's a good goal
for this run? My average time getting to the gym is about 26 1/2 minutes...my best to date was 24 1/2. My worst
days showed anywhere from 30-32 minutes when I started this route (I think I got lost the first time...so I guess
that doesn't count). We'll say 30 minutes.
I bet you I can make it in 23 minutes. Hell, today...I'm
going to make it in 23 minutes. Failure was not an option at this point. I am so excited that I almost bolt
out the door. Normally, my, "Are you insane? 23 minutes? Do you realize that this time would be over a minute and
a half faster than your best time? Let's face it...you're not about to win any marathons here. You're nuts.
Maybe 24 minutes...but not 23," would kick in and I'd lose hope that this was possible.
I perform my stretches
to make sure I don't hurt myself despite the fact that I'm ready to fly out of here. Just when I think I'm done,
I do a couple of more stretches to ensure that I'm perfect. I'm ready to roll.
I turn on my music, have my
hand on the timer...*Beep* The timer starts, and I start running.
I think about how I'm going to achieve this.
Good posture. Consistent breathing. Don't go too hard at first and wear yourself out. Keep your head up. Keep a
smooth, steady stride. Don't waste too much movement.
I get almost every light. I don't have to stop for
traffic, and I'm rolling. I see people's walking patterns (I'm on a sidewalk...you know how that is...people
walking in the middle aimlessly without leaving you any room whatsoever...then my favorite where they move from side
to side as they go forward...it's like a video game where you're trying to get around Thwomps and moving obstacles
and fiery pits to save the princess within the allotted time) before and make my moves accordingly. I shake and
move like Barry Sanders around the pedestrians and keep up the pace.
I take on the hills. Inclines are a
runner's nightmare when it comes to time...you try to keep the same pace and end up burning out. I slow down to a
comfortable pace that keeps my breathing steady. I can do this. I don't need to stop.
Doubt almost crosses my
mind for a second. Maybe 23 minutes was too bold of a goal...maybe 23:30 would be okay...I instantly cast this
thought aside and go with my original plan.
Then, I hit a light. I can run, or I can stop. I slow down and
hesitate. I have to stop. This could ruin everything. No, I'm going to make it. In fact, use these seconds as
time to recover so you can go harder when you get the walk sign! 10...15 seconds go by...I'd normally get worried,
but I just relax my body and get ready to roll. Green light...I start on again.
I come up on the end. I'm
tired. It's the final stretch. I wonder what time it is? Hmmm...I guess I'll find out in a second. I turn it
up at the end. I give myself just enough juice to hit the finish line. I'm tearing it up, flying down the road
and feeling the last few seconds tick by...I pass my mark and stop the watch. I am not sure what to expect. I
wasn't keeping a mental note or anything. This is the moment of truth. I look down...
22:56:85
...................not only did I make my time, but I beat it by 3.15 seconds! I still don't believe it. I
crack this skeptical smile and laugh like it's a joke or something. In fact, as I try to catch my breath and
recover, I don't even bend over or need a second. I stand up straight, take a few recovering breaths, and get my
key card out for the gym. I walk in and do my workout, which was also strong, then run home at a leisurely pace.
I ran 14 percent faster than average and 6 percent faster than my best just because I thought it was possible and
put myself into the mindset (or 'resourceful state') to do so.
Hmmm...what are my limitations? Maybe they're
only the ones I place on myself...maybe it's time to learn the guitar, improve my Spanish, write a book, improve my
voice/communication skills, learn to read people's body language and belief structures, take the GRE or GMAT, get a
master's degree or doctorate, woo a female, work harder and be happier...
What would you do if you knew you
couldn't fail?
PR
Pancho1188
09-28-2004, 04:36 PM
I Know
What Happened
By Pancho Rivera
I'm sitting at my desk, wondering what just happened. How did
this happen? I was just supposed to sit at my desk and shut up...then all hell broke loose.
I pushed it too
far. I had to go there, didn't I? Mr. Psycho-Wannabe had to try to analyze everything to a point where he pushed
someone back. What an intelligent idea.
What goes on through my head? "Well, things are on the fence right
now...kind of ambiguous...I'm a little impatient...let's just rock the boat and get this over with." Yeah, I
guess I subconsciously push the envelope on purpose to get out of a blurry situation that puts everyone into
"What's going on?" mode...
Actually, that's not entirely accurate. She wanted to clear things up...in the
negative fashion. "It's never going to happen." Wow, that's a shitty thing to say, especially when I never
asked. Maybe I should have just let it go...no, I couldn't do that. Why?
I know why. She liked me. I know
this. I know when someone likes me. I seem to know even more acutely when someone likes me but has problems
getting close to the people they like. Hell, that's my specialty. After all, I've been through that before. Six
months of, "I like you as a friend and don't want to mess things up," turned suddenly into, "I realized that I do
love you." No shit. I could've told you that six months ago. I'm psychic. I'm a genius. Whatever. Don't
mess with what goes on under my umbrella...Pancho know's what's going on under his poncho, dammit. You can slip
one past this guy. Now it happens again. I know she likes me, but this time she's afraid to get close because she
doesn't like---no, that's not right---she just doesn't get attached to people...what a dumb way to think. Ugh.
Why do I get involved with these kind of people? I know why...they're positive, happy, energetic, friendly, and
lighthearted. You know what I've discovered at the same time? It's a cover for something dark deep down inside,
and they use that positivity to cover their own weakness...they don't like to talk about it. I come along...the
"relationship accelerator", the "drill", the deep guy who connects with people on an intimate level...and blow right
through their blockade and hit straight to the heart. I get through. What happens? They go nuts. Alarms go
off...They reach Defcon 1...it's on...WWIII...
The defenses go up...I get completely bombarded or evaded with
defensive maneuvers...and these people are the best. They can change the subject or shoot you down in 100 different
ways without you even noticing...
...I usually keep coming. In the past, I persisted to get into the heart of
someone for six months until I won. But did I really win? It didn't work out in the end...to my own detriment.
This time, I took a shot to myself. I gave her the reason to get pissed off, and she had just the opportunity to
push me out. I don't have the strength I once had...or maybe I'm too proud or trying to do something different to
make things better than before only to make them turn out the opposite. I don't know...but now I'm sitting at my
desk wondering what just happened.
----------------------------------------
I hit it off with this girl, and
we talked all of the time. When things got awkward, she would push me back. I didn't let it get to me, I just
kept doing what I do...and we got close.
She admits to getting emotionally attached and that that's not what
she does. I say it's dumb to push people away because you're afraid of getting close. She keeps her guard up,
and then it comes. I was supposed to be quiet and pretend I was Mr. Laid Back and see what
happened...instead...well...
She asks me to talk to her friend, and I go ballistic. I tell her what a great
idea that was because it got her friend telling her problems to me and me identifying and talking to her so I
wouldn't push any more deep, thoughtful, emotional psychological questions onto her. After all, it'd be a great
idea if she did it for that reason. She tells me it's not like that...I've heard that before...maybe I'm just
always wrong...or maybe I'm always right and it gets to these people so they deny it. Either way, I'm gullible
and could never stick to my guns...
I tell her that she's just mad because I'm right. Well, that didn't
work.
She gets mad and tells me not to talk to any of her friends and to forget everything. Hmmm...I wonder
where I went wrong? Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.
I e-mail her a few days later.
She responds with one word answers to my comments. I stop talking to her unless she asks me a work-related
question...which were the only questions asked of me, anyway.
It's like this for a week. I am unsure about the
whole thing...like if she's mad...so I finally ask her.
"Am I in the midst of a situation that needs
reconciling?" How eloquent.
"No." How eloquent.
Well, I guess that solves that whole puzzle. They're
going to hire me as a detective if I keep this record up.
We decide to take a walk later to talk. This turns
out to be an even worse idea.
We usually take the stairs, but I forget as always and hit the elevator button. I
apologize and go for the stairs, and she says no and goes for the elevator. I take the stairs down, and she takes
the elevator. This is not good.
I beat her down...leaping flights of steps in one bound as I take over a
half-dozen floors in seconds. What an awkward situation when we reunite at the bottom. This pretty much sets the
tone for the whole conversation.
She says that there's nothing wrong and that I only mumble good morning when
she comes in. I only didn't do that once because I thought she wasn't talking to me so I was just pretending I
didn't care or whatever. Anyway, I said that she got short with me on e-mails, and she said she was busy. I said
I stopped talking to her because she stopped saying anything on e-mails so I figured she didn't want to talk to me.
Okay, so neither of us is mad and neither of us doesn't want to stop talking to the other, so what the hell is
going on?
She speaks again, "Well, it put a stop to the 'relationship accelerator'." Oh, so that's
what this is about...
Sure, she'd deny that, but I know that I gave her the ammunition to push me away. Now,
I'm way too uncomfortable around her to even think of anything interesting to say. I don't want to talk to her
anymore, and yet I miss my friend. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.
I pull out a piece
of paper with some information relevant to my last girlfriend. I've been witholding it for months because I
couldn't take the thought of talking to her again. I type an e-mail like I was writing something for work...the
same format and everything. Completely emotionless with regards to a year and a half of the most insane learning
experience in the realm of relationships I've ever had. I am courteous and professional, do not ask a single
question about her life nor reveal a single thing about my life. I send her the information in a mature,
thoughtful, and professional manner. I don't think twice about any of its implications or anything about that
relationship. Apparently, I've been burdened with new problems that bury the old...and I haven't even had another
girlfriend since this person. Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Am I completely wrong? Is it what she says?
Can I believe all of this?
We're close, she keeps me at arm's length, I naturally push through due to my way
of interacting, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached so she keeps me back, she gets mad but is now busy
and can't talk as much and figures that I don't want to talk to her because I do not say good morning with such
enthusiasm when I greet her...
Am I completely right? Is it what I say? Can I believe it?
We're close,
she keeps me away, I push through, she doesn't like getting emotionally attached, she get mad and uses it as an
excuse to keep me away. After all, better far and awkward than close and awkward...She likes me and is full of
shit. Now, however, I just want to get away from this because I don't want to go through this again. Since I'm
keeping myself back, this will die just like anything else you quit feeding.
I just wanted a friend. I
wouldn't have minded a girlfriend, but I always get mixed up with the wrong people. Now I have an awkward
acquaintance.
Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering what just happened.
PR
Pancho1188
10-28-2004, 06:27 PM
The Crush
(Part I)
By Pancho Rivera
I hate crushes. I've had a numerous amount of crushes in my life (I
believe the record stands at 7...but maybe as many as 9). In fact, I seem to have so much experience in being
attracted to girls I would never see the time of day with that I have categories for them, listed in chronological
order as sort of an 'evolution' of the crush:*
-The Secret Admirer
-The Perfect Girl
-The 'Hit It Off'
Girl
*Please note that crushes do not always coincide with girlfriends. I have had girlfriends that were never
crushes and, obviously, crushes that were never girlfriends. Therefore, girlfriends are not mentioned here unless
they were crushes.
The Secret Admirer
This is a girl that you know you have no shot with and
couldn't even approach. This is more for younger age groups when you hang out in different social circles, but it
may very well apply to older people as well. This is the one that is also most like the "boyhood crush" where you
act retarded around them. Basically, the secret admiree becomes the object of temporary obsession. You can't stop
thinking about this person, you can't talk to them because you would die (as you get older this becomes more along
the lines of just losing your ability to carry on a conversation), and you constantly think of ways in which you
could get that person. It's a borderline obsession at times. You know you can't have them because there's
something that will always keep you from becoming more than acquaintances (if you even reach that point).
Nevertheless, your brain will not stop running scenarios and thoughts about the person, and you cannot get that
person out of your mind. The person is perfect and can do no wrong in your eyes. Everything they do is like magic.
This can drive a person to the brink of insanity. This goes on for weeks or even a few months.
How does it end?
Well, from my experience, distance is the best cure. If you never see them, the crush will die. Naturally, the fact
that you see the person frequently is why you have the crush in the first place. Seriously, how many times have you
heard of someone having a crush for more than a few days on someone they've only seen once and may never see again?
I'm sure it's happened, but we're pushing the envelope on crush and looking more towards obsession/insanity if we
go down that road.
The three main ways I've overcome a "secret admirer" crush:
1. Get them to not like you
(or get it through your head as such)
2. Distance/Time
3. Get rejected/dumped or publically humiliated by them
One of my personal experiences on ending a crush was not a very healthy or kind one. I carefully studied why I
felt the way I did, and logic determined that hope was the source of my passion. Therefore, to kill my hope would be
to kill the crush. This has been my savior and also one of the things I'm least proud of. Why did I have hope? How
did this come to be? Well, as long as I never really knew the person, they didn't really have a negative opinion of
me and therefore I always had hope of somehow getting that person to like me. As this was impossible due to the
above restraints, I knew I had only one way to kill this hope: get the person to not like me.
I'll never forget
the time when I sent this somewhat mean letter to the girl I liked (after a few made-up secret admirer notes that a
friend made to play a trick on her and she thought it was me), and when I gave it to someone to deliver to her,
everyone in the class that hated her wrote nasty things on the paper. To top it off, one of them drew hearts on it
to make it look like a love letter. Wow, that cured things real fast. She freaked out, and I heard about what
happened with the mean comments later. Well, on a positive note...knowing she didn't like me killed the crush.
Actually, I think I almost got in trouble for that but the teacher liked me (don't ask what I mean by that because
I'm not sure...I still to this day don't know what was with that man...)
Again, I am reminded of another time
when I had another crush and sat a seat behind and to the left of this one girl. I made sarcastic comments all of
the time to her, which got a, "That's not very nice," response from her once. It's funny because the sarcastic
comments weren't really that mean, and I think she even thought I was a decent guy (I was a smart, nice guy but
just tried that to get rid of my crush)...I can't remember whether it was that or distance that cured that one...I
think time and eventually distance fixed that one. I don't have the heart to be mean...notice that even the first
example wasn't my doing (all I wrote was that she was full of herself if she thought I liked her...but that
wasn't the only thing written on the paper) and this one wasn't even mean...just three or four wise cracks.
The one crush I remember distance/time being the deciding moment was with a girl I liked at my second job. She was
everything I hated in a person, and yet I had the worst crush on her. How is this possible? Well, she was stuck up
and into herself. There's nothing I hate more...but she was also sooooo nice to me. She also thanked me when I did
nice things for her. Whether it be real appreciation and kindness or fake comments to use me...I think it was both.
She was nice to me, but she knew she could get me to do whatever she wanted if she asked nicely. Man, she hypnotized
me. Yes, I could say more than two words to her, but I was never going to have her (she had a bf, I was younger than
her, you name it). I still to this day don't understand why I liked her in the first place because she represented
what I hated in a woman. She was beautiful and nice to me, though, and I guess that's all it took. I couldn't shut
up about her, I couldn't wait to work with her...hell, I'd even work extra days just to see if I could work with
her...and always volunteered when they needed someone to work when she was going to be there.
The worst
part of this was that my best female friend had a crush on me at the same time. Oh, I would go on and on about this
girl and have my friend kindly put up with it forever because she liked me. I hate myself for doing that to
her...but I was seriously under a spell for those few months. If I ever speak to my friend again (we lost contact
after a while), I would apologize for putting her through hell and thank her for being such a good friend.
The
beauty of this sad story is the ending. My crush ended up leaving, and I'll never forget the goodbye. We were
sitting in my boss's office, she gave me a, "Goodbye, Pancho," and after the little pleasantries that was that. As
soon as she walked out that door and I knew I'd never see her again, I snapped out of it instantly. Two seconds
later, I was crush-free. I still have no idea how an uncontrollable crush ended so easily.
The final type is
represented by the worst rejection I think I've ever received. At my cousin's recommendation (I was in 6th grade,
my cousin was in high school), I wrote her a note saying I liked her and left it in her desk at lunch when everyone
left. When I came back, the room was full of people talking about the note. Everyone wanted in on this event.
Everyone was circled around the girl and the note. As I walk in, people turn and approach me, encircling me and
bombarding me with all kinds of questions. As the shy, introverted kid I was in school, I'd never seen anything
like it. I didn't know what to say or do. I looked down and blushed...but I looked down most of my childhood out of
shyness and low self-esteem, so I guess that's not saying much. Anyway, everyone kept asking me if I was going to
ask her out and if she was going to say yes and what was going to happen. There was a couple of minutes before the
next class, so the tension increased. Everyone told me to ask her, and they slowly guided me to where she was
sitting. I paced back and forth a little, mustering the strength it'd take for someone like me to ask this girl
out. I take a deep breath, they open a spot for me, I put my hands on the desk and look down at her and ask, "Will
you go out with me?" All eyes turn toward her. She says, "Yes."
I am not sure what to do at this moment. I
can't really talk to this person, I'm shy, and it's time to go to the next class. I can't remember the next
exact moment, but I believe it resulted in large commotion and half the people going for their books and the other
half congratulating me or something. I got my stuff for the next class, my head was spinning, I was light-headed,
and I walked to the door. As this was going on, she was talking to two of her close friends. As I walked to the
exit, she approached me and said, "You're dumped." That, of course, sent my head into more spinning and
light-headedness, which either counter-acted or added on to the previous symptoms. I remember it being a horrible
moment but somehow this strange thing that came over me prevented me from having an external emotional response. I
remember feeling completely rejected, but I was too out of it to let it hit too hard. I felt bad for a while after
that, but I got over it and the crush was gone as soon as the rejection was made. In fact, shortly afterwards (days
maybe) I had no idea what I even saw in her in the first place.
I had one or two other "Secret Admirer"
crushes in my time, but there's not much to mention there. My first crush, in which the girl actually liked me a
little, had nothing come of it because I was ~8 years old at the time, we only saw each other at school, and peer
pressure (embarrassment, etc.) prevented anything substantial.
In summary, the secret admirer crush can be the
most brutal and yet the most fickle. Distance seems to be the key, but it is impossible to avoid if you are
frequently stuck in the same location for any period of time. Age is the greatest weapon against the "Secret
Admirer", and I wonder if I will have any more in the future as it's been about 5 years since I've had this
crush...
PR
Pancho1188
03-11-2005, 08:38 PM
The Bar
By
Pancho Rivera
I walk into the room. People's heads turn. I can feel dozens of eyes on me. I have never
felt this kind of sexual attention from so many people at once. I suddenly feel very exposed as they look me up and
down, checking me out. I'm wearing a form-fitting shirt that's tucked in and a pair of jeans that fit well enough
to get a good luck at my butt if that's your thing. Apparently with this crowd, it is. The only way I'd get this
much attention in any other venue is if I jumped on the bar and pulled my pants down.
I look around, though, and
all of these people have one thing in common: they're men. I'm in a gay bar.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me start from the beginning...
My co-worker's last day is today. They're having a happy hour for him
after work. I'm working late, but I manage to leave around 7:30 to get to this thing while people are still there.
I was thinking about going home, but after almost getting hit by a car that decided it wasn't going to stop at the
crosswalk I decided I needed a drink. Everyone's having a good time at the happy hour, and after a drink or two to
get my mind off of work, I'm joining in on the fun. We have some good laughs and take a lot of funny photos of the
women getting cute with him. The most fascinating thing about homosexuality is that women have no problem with a
gay man doing whatever they want, whether it's kissing them, touching them, or saying, "I love you." Why is this?
There is no chance of there being any sexual reason for the man doing it. It doesn't seem fair at first, but then
reality hits.
A few of us went to get some food and talked about going out to another bar after the late dinner.
They talked about going to a certain bar...
"Oh, where's that?" I asked.
"It's a few blocks northeast of
here. Did you want to come with us? There's one thing..."
"What's that?"
"It's a gay bar."
"Yeah, that's
cool."
"Have you ever been to one?"
"No, but I hear things from my gay friends."
I agree to go out, and we
finish our meals. Interested in this strange turn of events from a quiet night at home, I decide to capitalize on
this great opportunity to learn and expand my knowledge in the field of psychology. I know that social norms can be
completely twisted when the situation changes, so I am actually looking forward to this event. I joke about whether
anyone would buy me a drink.
"Well, it wouldn't hurt if you flexed your muscles. Maybe you should roll up your
sleeves."
"Like this?" I roll up my right sleeve and flex my bicep.
"Yeah, that might work."
I put my sleeve
back down and keep pondering the possible situations.
"I don't want to ruin your flow, man," I say to my
friend. "How do I make sure I don't cock-block you?"
"Oh, I don't think I'll be picking anyone up
tonight."
"Hey, you never know. I'll try to stay out of your way if I see anything."
We go to the bar and
check our coats upstairs. This is it...my first experience in a gay bar. I wonder what's going to happen
tonight...
As I walk into the room, I find out. I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Unlike women, men have no
reservations about making it obvious that they're checking you out...especially in the bar environment where
you're expected to do such things. I'm not sure if this is a place where many people know or at least recognize
each other well or not, so maybe I'm just 'fresh meat' or a new face in the place. At any rate, I am being
checked out.
"Wow, I've never been checked out like this before. This is weird."
We get our drinks, and I
find the need to have a game plan in this atmosphere. I go down the list of situations:
"If you see someone you
don't like who's interested or someone becomes interested in me, can you pose as my boyfriend or vice-versa?"
"If
that happens, yes."
"How do I know when to pretend to be your boyfriend instead of backing off?"
"Where
they're fucking ugly!" I guess that makes sense.
"If someone offers to buy me a drink and I accept, does that
make me a tease?"
"Think about it if a girl accepted a drink from you who had no interest in you."
"Yeah, that'd
make me a tease."
"Who cares? Be a tease!"
"So how do I let a guy know I'm straight? Is there like a signal
or something?"
"It's best just to be upfront about it. If he offers you a drink, just tell him so you're not
leading him on."
"I guess there's no easy way to get that message across. I mean, maybe I could just clear my
throat and go, '*ahem* Did you see the football game last night? Man, I was eating a 12-oz. steak, working with
power tools, and wearing a plaid jacket when we won that game!' I mean, it just seems kind of rude to say,
'Sorry, but I'm straight.'"
"You know, this is the first room full of men I've ever been in without someone
complaining, 'This is a sausage fest! Where are the girls?'"
"That's because they don't want them!"
"Where
are the girls? I mean, I know that this is a gay bar and everything, but don't lesbians come, too?"
"No, they
have their own bars. Gays and lesbians don't get along. They have different cultures." Hey, I learned something
new today.
I watch the crowd as I take in the cultural and social differences. Interactions are fascinating
when they're out of the norm. After a few minutes, we decide to go upstairs to the dance floor where the music
is.
As much as I am not looking forward to going from a smoke-free area to the smoking area, I am very
interested in what's going to happen in the next hour. I am not disappointed in the shock value, that's for
sure.
We go upstairs and walk to the drinking/sitting area on the side. Shirtless bartenders take our drink
orders. I must say, they hire well-built, aesthetically pleasing men to take their shirts off and serve their
homosexual customer base. I wonder if I could get good tips if I worked here. Hey, the employer would probably
like me because it knows I wouldn't hook up with the customers.
We talk for a little bit, and I know the time
is going to come when my friends are going to start dancing. As a straight man with a few gay men and one female, I
figure my odds are pretty bad of actually dancing with the female. How did I come to this, you might ask? Well, I
don't know her as well as the others do, and as I described before, women who are friends with gay men are happy to
be very comfortable with them, whereas the sexual tension with a straight man would be cause for alarm even in a
completely safe environment where no one else would dare hit on her. The moment does come, and she leads my
soon-to-be ex-coworker to the dance floor. I can feel my comfort level slowly fading as I don't want to be
standing here alone like an idiot and there are no females in my direct vicinity to dance with.
As I look
around, though, I come to one interesting conclusion: gay men have hot female friends. "Fag hags", as my friends
affectionately called the female groupies, were in attendance, and many were pretty fine. There was this pole on a
platform that people were standing and dancing on, and a girl or two would be up there with five or six guys
grinding with them. I'm gauging how difficult it would be to hit on someone in this environment.
In fact,
hundreds of calculations are running through my head. Would a girl be more likely to randomly start getting up in
my face if I was up there (after all, she'd think I was gay)? What would happen if I hit on her and gave away my
heterosexuality? What if I waited until after getting some body-on-body action to admit that I'm straight? Well,
I'd definitely experience the change from a woman being completely comfortable with a person to being completely on
the defensive since I suddenly brought the reality of potential sexual desire into the equation. I'd probably get
smacked, too...even though it doesn't make much sense when with one guy you're perfectly comfortable getting
freaky with on the dance floor and another you were up until the time you found out he could possible have the
desire to have sex with you. I would understand the "grinding under false pretenses" argument, though...
That
all said, I still don't have the nerve to do it, though. Imagine, I have absolutely no competition here, and I
still couldn't do it. I would face the possibility that girls are here for a reason and want to dance and not get
hit on by guys, but I also have the knowledge that most of these girls do want to meet guys but just somehow go out
with their gay friends instead. It's not a risk I'm willing to take during my first gay bar experience...
...as I'm pondering all of this, I suddenly realize that I am very alone. My other two friends went to dance,
and now I'm standing here by myself. Hmmm...this is strange. I keep looking around and taking the experience in,
thankful that two friends do come back shortly after. I ask my one friend if he's feelin' anyone right now. He
points to a guy on the dance floor he says is cute. Unfortunately, he catches the guy making out with someone 10
minutes later. Oh, well. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
He points to another guy and says, "I've slept with
that guy."
I asked, "How was it?"
"Amazing."
The guy he pointed to took off his shirt along with a couple of
other guys dancing on the platform/pole area. This is some wild stuff.
I have to say that the most interesting
thing is that because I had bad eyesight, there were some guys that looked very much like women there. I squint
really hard while looking at this one guy and say, "That's a guy?" I need my glasses, apparently...but I'm
sure even then it'd be hard to tell sometimes.
As if this wasn't all interesting enough, it's about to get
even more incredible.
This one person who I didn't know but came with one of my friends begins to talk to me.
He's a good guy, but he seems like something in his life is bothering him as he's being critical. I enjoy the
sarcastic humor and witty banter, though. He asks me why I came (after all, I'm straight).
I said, "Well, they
asked me if I wanted to come, so I thought it'd be fun."
"Are you glad you came?"
"Yeah, actually. I find this
all fascinating. I'm learning a lot."
"I'm not glad I came."
"Why's that?"
"I don't like this whole
thing."
He explains why he doesn't like it and asks if I get it.
"Yeah, I get it. It's like me. I'm an
introvert, but I don't want to be around introverts because I think, 'They're boring.' Then I think, 'Does
that make me boring?' It's very confusing, but it messes with your insecurities."
He looked like he couldn't
believe I gave a response that rang true to what he was thinking. Well, I'm the master of perception tonight, and
that conversation was no exception.
He asks me if I liked to dance. I told him I wanted to dance but didn't
want to go out there by myself and look like an idiot.
He said, "Yeah, but would you dance with a boy?"
"I
don't care." He says something and kind of shrugs it off, giving me a way out. Instead, I take the road less
traveled...
"No, seriously. I want to dance."
I guess he figured that's all he needed to hear after giving me
a way to get out of it while he saved face, so he grabbed my hand and took me to the dance floor.
I have never
been so comfortable dancing in front of other people my whole life. I wasn't trying to impress any straight girls,
and I wasn't going to be made fun of by any straight guys. The word self-conscious meant absolutely nothing to me
at that moment because there was nobody who cared---myself included.
We danced to a couple of songs and then
walked back to the group when we saw that they were back. They seemed a little surprised that I was dancing, but I
just smiled because I felt very empowered knowing that I was secure enough with both my sexuality and myself to do
whatever the hell I wanted without feeling awkward or insecure about doing something that most people would find
strange for someone of my sexual orientation to be doing.
After my stunning rendition of "Baby Got Back" (no,
not karaoke, I just know all of the words and showed up everyone who tried to recite as much as they could along
with me), the female and my one friend went back out on the dance floor while the other left...leaving me to sit
down with the guy I was dancing with.
I'm not sure how the topic turned to this, but eventually I heard the
following things: "You're hot, you know you're hot, and I'm actually drunk enough to tell you that."
As you
could imagine, that took me by surprise. It's been a long time since anyone has told me I was hot to my face.
Again, the transitions are fuzzy, but somehow I ended up telling him a story where one of my gay friends got a
straight friend off while he was drunk because he said he was horny.
The straight friend said, "If you shut your
eyes, it's all the same."
Apparently, my new friend loved this story. I love telling it because it's so
funny. Anyway, he says, "He's right! It's all the same! You should try it sometime!"
Well, here's where my
line is drawn in the sand, but I am still not even fazed by the comment and am happy to explain why I am not capable
of doing such a thing.
"You see, it's like purple ketchup. I know it tastes the same as regular ketchup, but I
just can't eat it. Ketchup isn't purple, it's red! I can't have it any other way!"
"Yeah, but you should try
it, anyway."
I tell him the story of how many of my gay friends have tried to turn me over the years. I even
say that I almost wished I was gay because I get so many more men than I do women. After all, I made a pact with my
friend earlier that night that we were going to switch sexual orientations because he attracted all of the women and
I attracted all of the men. If we switched, we'd be unstoppable! That said, I could never do it. I can
confidently say I'd never want to do it because unlike a homophobe, I have no insecurities to hide. I looked at
that option and realized that I just don't like men and could never like them in that way ever.
Obviously, that
response didn't go over well with my new friend, so he took what he could get and got me back on the dance floor
again. After a second, I finally remembered an argument that would win.
"If it's all the same when you shut
your eyes, then how come you don't want women?"
My reply came in the form of two middle fingers shoved
less than a foot away from my face...to which I responded, "Oh, come on...you liked that as much as you hated it."
After another dance and a second where I watched my friend talk to someone he had apparently hooked up with (it's
a small world in this club, isn't it?), we go back where our friends are back from dancing. The ex-coworker was
talking to an ex of his (again with the exes!). I'm standing there, and all of the sudden I look over and see
these pair of eyes staring at me intently. I quickly turn my head back and lean to my friend.
"Is that guy back
there looking at me?"
"*Looks* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. Definitely. He's watching you."
"Oh, shit," I grab my
cock-blocking buddy and put my arm around him. "You're my boyfriend."
He's out of it and probably doesn't
even know what's going on since he wasn't in on what just happened, but I say, "That dude is checking me out. You
have to save me!"
My friend, obviously drunk, replies, "I think you'll be okay," and then lets me go.
Bastard.
He's hanging me out to dry. I try not to make any sudden moves and hope the guy loses interest. Fortunately,
nothing came of it.
As the night winds down, we go upstairs to get our coats. There's a long line for the
coat-check, and this situation gives me a joke with too many funny meanings for those in a drunken stupor to
comprehend.
"They should put up a big sign and call this, 'The Pick-Up Line'. You can try to pick up your
coat, you can try to pick up a guy, and it's what you'd try to use in the line to get that guy to go home with
you!"
PR
CptKipling
03-12-2005, 12:17 PM
Nice to see you back Mr Rivera
Pancho1188
03-26-2005, 04:57 PM
The Crush
(Part 2)
By Pancho Rivera
-The Secret Admirer
-The Perfect Girl
-The 'Hit It Off' Girl
The Perfect Girl
I have to admit that this is the hardest crush to describe. Unlike the Secret Admirer
crush and the Hit It Off crush, the Perfect Girl crush is more subtle. I've only had one major instance of this
type, and any others I may have had probably didn't have the time to develop like this one did.
The Perfect
Girl describes someone who truly captures everything a person could want in someone. It's interesting how your
brain and your heart interact in this situation. Your logic calculates what you know of this person and realizes
that this person has every trait you could find desirable. However, your heart is kind in the fact that you don't
necessarily become infatuated faster than you can pick your jaw up off of the floor. I think the best way to
describe this crush is to differentiate it from the others. The Perfect Girl crush is less intense than the Secret
Admirer crush and not conversationally-based as the Hit It Off crush.
You know someone at a place you frequent
such as school, work, or extracurricular activities. Because you're around them a lot, you get a good feel for who
they are as a person and decide that they would be the perfect girl. The strange thing is that you may not be
compatible, but you could tell that the person has all of the traits you'd like in someone. You may be able to
become friends with that person, or you may never really have a chance to meet her or get to know her personally.
Either way, whenever you see her, you think, "I would really love to have someone like that as my wife." It gets
interesting because you don't fall head over heels right away. Even though they are attractive and wonderful, you
seem to be able to remain calm around the person. You will, however, always feel something subtle because you know
that you would like to have someone like that.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say in my personal
experience with this crush. I met this girl somewhere between 7th and 9th grade. Notice how I don't remember
everything because it took a while to become familiar with the person before I actually realized she had the traits
I liked in someone. Anyway, once I thought about it for a while, I realized that she had everything I could ask for:
she was intelligent, athletic, healthy, funny, happy, successful, sweet, ambitious, kind, and attractive. I thought,
"Wow, I would love to do out with someone like that." I knew from that moment on that I would one day like to be
with someone like that.
Notice how strange this crush can be. Unlike the Secret Admirer crush where I became
fixated on one person, I found my ideal type of person. She was the basis of what I'd like to find in someone, and
something I could strive for. I wanted to become a better person to be able to get someone like that. To this day, I
still have no idea why I didn't develop a major crush on her...but she was almost like a dream I would like to
realize eventually.
I talked to her every once in a while, but you know how different crowds in high school can
keep you from developing friendships. The interesting thing about my high school was that there wasn't a "most
popular" crowd in my school. There were different groups, but if we would have a popularity contest, I couldn't
tell you who would have won...it was that diverse (you'll see later why I mention this fact).
I went through
high school, trying to get through those brutal times (I didn't like high school). Whenever I saw her, though,
something always warmed up inside because of how great of a person she was. I'll never forget, though, what
happened my senior year.
It's Homecoming, and I run out on to the football field with the team to practice.
They're doing all of the Homecoming events while we're getting ready for the game. All of the sudden, they bring
out an archway, and a bunch of women in dresses and their parents line up on the field. I didn't care about any of
these festivities, so I forgot that just the other day we voted for Homecoming King and Queen. As I mentioned
before, we had many different groups of equal popularity, so the competition was fierce. Their were about six or so
people for each title, and they were all equally capable of winning. I'm not even sure if I remembered who was
running, so I went along with my drills with the team. Anyway, you should've seen the surprise on my face when she
was named Homecoming Queen. Boy, I can sure pick them, can't I? After four years, I guess everyone saw what I saw
after a short time. Go figure.
In summary, the Perfect Girl crush can be the most interesting and yet the
least intense. The key to this crush is to learn all you can about why you like the person because it may help you
in the future when you have an actual opportunity to meet someone like this again in the future and make it work for
you. I have no secrets to getting rid of this one because there's no need to when it's controllable. You should
learn a lot from this crush so maybe one day you will be prepared to get the perfect girl.
PR
Pancho1188
03-26-2005, 11:44 PM
The Crush
(Part 3)
By Pancho Rivera
-The Secret Admirer
-The Perfect Girl
-The 'Hit It Off'
Girl
The 'Hit It Off' Girl
This is the most rational of the crushes, if you can call infatuation
rational. Actually, the 'Hit It Off' crush is close to being in love or having a solid relationship...there's
just one problem: for one reason or another, the transition just doesn't happen.
You meet a girl at a social
gathering. You begin talking, and you quickly realize that you two get along very well...almost too well.
Everything's going great. You become great friends easily. In fact, you find yourself wanting to progess things
as soon as possible. You feel the chemistry, and everything seems to be working out judging by your interactions.
It just seems natural that you should be going out together. Why doesn't something happen? Well, at this point
things can move in one of two directions: you end up going out with her or acquiring the 'Hit It Off' crush.
Now, you're probably wondering, "Why isn't this just called 'falling in love'? After all, isn't that what
falling in love is?" Obviously, the line between infatuation and in love not perfectly defined, so I will base the
differences in definition on time, perceived willingness to commit, and expression/reciprocation (e.g. shorter,
uncertain, and not communicated/reciprocated for infatuation and longer, certain of devotion, and
communicated/reciprocated feelings for in love). In addition, I would say that in this instance you hit it off so
well that you become infatuated and therefore unable to see any flaws. Being in love would mean that you see things
for what they are and still love them for everything she is.
I've had these circumstances go both ways. I've
hit it off with girls and quickly gone from friends to relationships. This transition was sealed by hanging out
leading to making out leading to making love. In my cases, this sealed a relationship since our shared views were
that if things progressed to that point, it would be with someone with whom you had a relationship. The
relationship thus ends any possibility of considering my feelings a 'crush'. On the other hand, sometimes things
don't progress to that. There are many obstacles that can prevent this transition, including: a boyfriend, a bad
romantic history, fear of the type of relationship (I'll explain that one later), a need to be/feel independent, a
fear of getting too close to someone, or simply a fear of taking the steps toward that transition (aka "making a
move").
When this roadblock occurs, the 'Hit It Off' crush begins. The insanity that one may derive from this
crush rivals the Secret Admirer crush, and the feelings you have for this person are a mix of the previous two types
of crushes. Therefore, it causes a combination that can overwhelm you. The mix is very complicated, so I'll use
excerpts from the previous sections to describe the combination.
Aspects of the Perfect Girl crush:
The
'Hit It Off' girl describes someone who has qualities that you would want in someone. It's interesting how your
brain and your heart interact in this situation. Your logic calculates what you know of this person and realizes
that you get along well with this person. However, your heart is kind in the fact that you don't necessarily
become infatuated faster than you can pick your jaw up off of the floor.
Aspects from the Secret Admirer
crush:
Basically, the 'Hit It Off' girl becomes the object of temporary obsession. You can't stop thinking
about this person and constantly think of ways in which you could get that person. It's a borderline obsession at
times. You know you can't have them because there's something that is keeping you from becoming more than
good/best friends. Nevertheless, your brain will not stop running scenarios and thoughts about the person, and you
cannot get that person out of your mind. Everything they do is like magic. This can drive a person to the brink of
insanity. This goes on for weeks or even a few months.
How the 'Hit It Off' crush ties them together:
You
see how many positive traits the person has...but since you are hitting it off, your chemistry emphasizes the
positives, and your interaction can spot potential negatives. Therefore, she's no longer 'perfect' but 'perfect
for you'. Once this sinks in (the longer you remain friends, the stronger it gets), you become more and more
infatuated until it gains the strength of the Secret Admirer crush. Once this happens, you can either let your
feelings go or let the friendship go (as in relationship or nothing at all). Those are your only two options, and
it becomes a difficult decision when your feelings build.
I have two examples of this type and a few
instances of averting this type. Averting this type of crush is very easy: if the other person liked me back,
showed interest, and was willing to follow my lead, I could just make it happen. Case closed. In fact, in all
instances I can think of, I've been able to avert this type of crush in a day...yes, a day. In other words, I met
the person, we hit it off, and I didn't waste any time. However, there were a couple of challenges, and those led
me into the hell that is known as the 'Hit It Off' crush...
I'll never forget the time I introduced myself to
this girl. I've never met anyone with so much positivity and youthful charisma. I was drinking at the time,
something I hadn't done very much at that point but decided to occasionally use to counter my introversion. At any
rate, I was watching a game of beer pong, and this girl was making almost all of her shots at the time. I'm still
not sure what I was thinking at the time, but I remember saying something stupid when she hit her shots...
"Oh!!!!!! Did you see that?!?!? That was a perfect shot! Did you see the arc you had on that?"
I walk over
next to her and mimic her throwing motion, emphasizing how her form created the perfect trajectory.
Looking back
on that moment, I think that has to rank as one of the dumbest things I've ever said or done (beer, making people
stupid since 1862!), but she loved it. I goofed off and cheered her on for a while, and then we went upstairs to my
room to chat. She gave me her IM screen name that night. Just the day before, I stopped my IM program from
automatically starting and removed all shortcuts to it (I couldn't remove the whole program, as it was a way to
communicate with my fraternity brothers and sisters, but I was only going to use it when I had to) because I wasted
too much time checking people's info and away messages. That night, I put it back on and added her screen
name...
...and so we hit it off. We hung out a couple of times for the next week or so, but then comes the
turning point: my birthday. It just happened to fall on a party night with some risque costumes, so I had my shirt
unbuttoned with nothing under it, and she was rather lewd, lascivious, salacious, and outrageous herself. She told
me how hot I looked. Oh, yeah. It's on.
Cutting out the pretty details, I thought I consummated our
relationship...apparently not. Thus, the 'hit it off' crush began. She practically pretended like nothing
happened when we spoke again except for acting very nervous around me. I found out later that she had been cheated
on and was afraid of getting hurt because she knew the relationship she'd have with me would be serious (remember
"fear of type of relationship"?). I don't know how that issue resolved itself, but we were best friends for six
months. It was heaven...and it was hell. I couldn't get her out of my head, and I was addicted to her like
nicotine. Still, no matter what I did, I couldn't have her. It drove me insane. I came to the point where I had
to let go of my feelings or let go of our friendship. I chose to let go of the friendship. That was a big gamble,
but it worked. She realized she cared too much for me, and we became a couple. Thus endeth the 'Hit It Off'
crush...although you could argue the transition to falling in love much earlier than that because we had gotten so
close as best friends.
The other example took me in the other direction. This was a girl who was enjoying total
independence for the first time, and to make things worse, I worked with her. That is a recipe for disaster.
We
started talking and hit it off quickly. She wanted to explore, and I wanted to go out and do things with someone.
It worked great because at first I played tag-along and then suggested things myself. Then came the wall that just
couldn't be scaled. I just couldn't get close enough when the person didn't want me getting any closer...not
because she didn't like me but because she "doesn't get close to people". Yes, she actually tried to explain this
concept to me. I tried to convince her to just let her guard down because I'm the most trustworthy person you'll
ever meet, but I guess it doesn't work like that. We ended that strange conversation to end all strange
conversations, and somehow we were cool on Monday, described best by her comment to me:
"I thought after our
conversation that things would get awkard. I'm glad to know that you're above that."
Ironically, things began
to get awkward a few weeks later. What happened? We had our first heated exchange. I use heated exchange because
'argument' and 'conflict' wouldn't work (since we were obviously arguing and in conflict before, though it was
friendly), and it was over e-mail so we kept enough composure to keep it from being a fight. It was only when I was
mad and tried to stop talking to her that I realized how much I liked her.
The less I talked to her, the worse
it got. It started getting worse when I did talk to her...and then when I didn't talk to her. In other words, it
was snowballing out of control. I had to see her every day, too, so that didn't help...but even on weekends it
killed me because I couldn't get her out of my head.
This time, however, I knew I couldn't win. There's just
no way I could overcome the odds against me because you can't change a stubborn woman's mindset...at least not
with the short timeframe and limited opportunities I had. I had to let it go...my feelings this time.
It took
forever, but finally we moved desks so that I wouldn't have to be in close contact with her for most of the day.
That gave me just enough strength to get over it. It still hibernated within the depths of my heart and resurfaced
with prolonged contact that resembled the 'hit it off' period, but it was good enough to survive until we went our
separate ways.
In summary, it is hardest to let go of the 'Hit It Off' crush. I have no advice for this
one, as in the one case I fell in love (part of me will always still love her), and in the other I let my feelings
go...but I know they're still there deep down inside. There are four universal remedies to lost loves: time,
distance, acceptance, someone else, or getting them back. Of course, in the case of a crush, you can't get
something you never had to begin with.
PR
silksand
03-27-2005, 03:07 PM
Wow, I'm just catching this
thread now and have to say I've really enjoyed your stories, Pancho. Very nice writing, so true, so well-told and
so funny! Early on I was reminded of the Charlie Kaufman film "Adaptation" - the same kind of pointed portrait of
the crazy way we over-think our most primal drives for love and acceptance... but your take is much gentler and more
subtle, though just as funny. Bravo!
Pancho1188
04-06-2005, 04:51 PM
Love is Blind...and so Am I
By Pancho Rivera
It's not hard to figure out where the saying,
"You're so blind that you can't even see what's right in front of you," came from. We often use metaphors like
this one to describe how people do not comprehend the fact that someone may or may not be interested in them,
flirting with them, or trying to get their attention. It's not every day the meaning can be taken figuratively and
literally at the same time. This, of coure, is where I come in.
I'm looking into laser eye surgery. Instead
of wearing glasses or contacts, I've chosen the worst option of walking around and squinting when necessary after
two instances of getting hit in the face: one where I scratched my glasses and the other that almost blinded me from
getting slapped in the face. I am finally financially and chronologically sound enough to undergo this precedure,
so I schedule my eye exam. I get up in the morning and decide that I haven't been wearing enough SOE when I use it
because I've heard that 6" is better than the 4" I normally use. Of course I find the perfect amount of -mones to
use when I can't see a thing.
I go to the doctor's office, get my eyes dilated, have the exam, and get back to
the office. I only took 12 steps into the building before an attractive woman starts talking to me. I'm wearing
sunglasses inside because my pupils are the size of dimes, and my sight is so messed up from the eyedrops that I
can't see well with or without them. Needless to say, I had no idea that this attractive woman was talking to me
as I walk inside the elevator. Seeing as we're the only two people in the elevator and she's looking at me when
she speaks, I finally get the hint.
I can't believe what is happening. In my whole life, I probably have more
fingers than I have memories of attractive women starting a conversation with me. I'm wearing SOE that is
apparently working, my most form-fitting outfit that accentuates my thin, muscular physique in all the right places,
and sunglasses inside an elevator. This woman is talking to me, she's going to the same floor as me, and she's
looking at me with what I perceived with my horrible vision to be one of the most sincere and playful smiles I've
seen in a long time given in my direction. It's only when I'm completely discombobulated and in the most
uncomfortable of circumstances that an attractive woman flirts with me. I have two words for Fate, and they're
not, "How ironic..."
As I walk up to the elevator, she starts talking about how much noise her shoes are making.
She makes a comment or two that I don't remember because I didn't know she was talking to me before we went
inside the elevator. As we got in together, I see her talking directly to me with the tone of voice like she just
made a couple of jokes about them to me in a friendly, almost flirty way. When she looks at me with a big smile on
her face, I suddenly become very aware that I'm still wearing my sunglasses, and although I know I'm still wearing
them because my eyes are dilated, anyone else would just think me a fool trying to be cool. Between the look on my
face from feeling uncomfortable because of my lack of regular eyesight, dilation, and wearing sunglasses in an
elevator, I couldn't help but think she must think I'm crazy. It reminded me of the small part of Scooby-Doo
I watched the other day where the nerdy girl tries to be attractive and the guy asks if she needs to use the
restroom. I'm sure I was pretty close to that.
Somehow, though, she keeps going with a big smile on her face
and being friendly with me. I'm trying to get my act together so I can pay attention to what she's saying despite
the fact that I'm still trying to focus on getting used to my hindered sight. She looks at the bottom of her heel
and notices that the rubber or whatever that was at the bottom wasn't there anymore, so the heels were making
noise. Without saying a word, I manage to keep my eyes on her (even though I couldn't see well) enough to give the
impression I was with her on what she was talking about even though I'm completely out of my element. I snap out
of my daze and get myself together, but all I can come up with is what I would naturally say as almost instinct in
response to what she said: "Well, I guess you'll have to walk on carpeting for the rest of the day."
Okay, so
that's pretty good for the situation I was in, but it's pretty sad that it took me a good 30 seconds for what
should've taken 3. She apparently likes my joke, as she laughs and keeps talking about it as we walk out of the
elevator. I start going in the other direction as she keeps talking. Now, I could have gone the other way and
walked with her to get where I was going, but I went the other way.
That's all I said, by the way. That one
sentence. I don't forget things, either, and I barely remember much of that incident. I'm not sure it's
forgetting as much as it is not being able to capture it in the first place because I couldn't see.
I walk to
my cube and sit down. The rest of the day was similar, as I had abnormally attractive women walking past me all
day. I don't know where they came from, but I don't remember them being there before. You may insert your joke
about me not being able to see so they appeared more attractive here, by the way...
Of course, I make the best
of every encounter by---what else?---keeping a strained look on my face because I'm trying to keep my eyes
protected from their extreme dilation. I haven't seen so many attractive women give me looks looks like this all
in one day, and yet I can't see well enough to appreciate it or keep an attractive look on my face to capitalize on
it.
I don't fully comprehend everything until I get on the elevator to go home with two attractive women I've
never seen on my floor before. Both of them look at me, and one of them looks at me three times...all with a hint
of trying to size me up. When this happens, I walk outside realizing everything I missed that day. I smack my
forehead and think to myself, "Oh, man...I can't believe that."
They say that love is blind...it must be true
because the women are really feeling me when I am. It figures.
PR
silksand
04-06-2005, 05:27 PM
I wonder if your dilated eyes
had some subliminal effect on the women ... you know how our pupils dilate when we see something desirable? Maybe
you were looking very aroused in your discombobulated state... ;)
How interesting that without perfect
vision, you didn't hear very well ... are you visual-dominant?
Mtnjim
04-07-2005, 09:50 AM
" I'm looking into laser eye
surgery. Instead of wearing glasses or contacts,"
No matter what happened that day, you are lucky. I too was
looking into laser eye surgery. During the exam, they discovered they couldn't do it because I have cataracts (like
I keep telling people, geting old isn't for wimps!). The good news is that right now they are still controllable
with glasses, but when time for surgery comes, it'll be like getting Laser Surgery, except it'll be covered by
insurance.
Pancho1188
11-08-2005, 10:02 PM
Introverts and the People who (Don't) Love Them
By Pancho Rivera
(Readers: Please note the dual storyline - a story and commentary. If not, the writing will seem to jump
off topic too frequently. The font colors are different, but in the event that you cannot see the different colors,
dividers have been provided.)
I'm exhausted. I spent all day with a large group of people
and then entered into a large social gathering and didn't even have the energy to carry on a
conversation.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the
beginning.
*****************
I'm an introvert. Introversion is very misunderstood
concept, as many mistake it for shyness or social anxiety disorder. Both are inaccurate descriptions. It's about
time that I define it for the misinformed, as I am tired of people telling me that my behavior is somehow wrong or
curable.
There are two types of people: Introverts and Extroverts. Although they differ greatly in many
respects, there is one fundamental difference in the way the body charges its psychological/emotional battery. You
either charge your battery by being alone and taking time to think or mentally rest (Introvert) or become energized
through large gatherings and feed off of the life of a crowd (Extrovert). What does this mean? Well, it means that
an extrovert can only spend so much time by himself before he goes crazy, while an introvert can only spend so much
time in a large group or crowd before he goes crazy.
Another example is how one becomes stimulated. Introverts
are stimulated internally through thoughts, feelings, and ideas, so too much external activity/chaose will
overstimulate them and create the need for time alone. Extroverts can only receive stimulation externally, so they
must attend social functions and large gatherings in order to gain a satisfactory amount of stimulation.
An
extreme extrovert is a person who is on the phone 24/7 because they can never spend a quiet moment by themselves,
and an extreme introvert is someone you will never see at a party because they cannot take the chaotic, crowded
environment. If you have ever seen a wallflower at a party who just wants to go home, you have seen an introvert
(or someone being introverted) who does not have the energy to be social at that party. If you see someone at a
bus/subway station or airport not able to sit for more than 5 seconds before they have to talk to a stranger or call
500 people, you have seen an extrovert (or someone being extroverted).
Once you understand this concept, you can
understand the following situation...
*****************
I'm walking into a
restaurant where almost 40 of my colleagues are getting drinks and making small talk. As I look through the window
and see the socializing, I feel the culmination of my dread. Why would I be dreading this moment? Well, I just
spent all day in a [corporate] classroom with these people, and I have a sinking feeling that I'm not going to be
able to do this.
*****************
Why wouldn't I be able to do this? I am asking
several questions...but I already know the answers. The questions are the result of over two decades of
brainwashing that going out and socializing with a bunch of people is the greatest thing in the world and what every
person should love to do. From that perspective, this is a great opportunity to meet new people, make small talk,
network with colleagues, and maybe even learn a thing or two about something or someone. That would be true if that
sort of thing excited me...if somehow holding a dozen or so conversations over the course of the night with twenty
different people would get my spirit up and energize me...but id doesn't. Instead, it sucks the life out of me.
Don't get me wrong...I can handle large social gatherings if the need arises. With proper preparation (and,
for my sake, a buffer in the form of a friend that I can lean on to get me started), I can mingle and carry a
conversation as long as it needs to go. It is just an exhausting task. If I do not conserve energy as best as
possible, I will be miserable and speechless in a shorter time than it takes to decide to tear apart an envelope
that says "Important Information Enclosed" (Nothing sent via mail that was actually important has ever had that on
the front).
*****************
I look back at the week so far. Two complete days
engaged in a large discussion with a group of 50 people. A swarm of conversations ensue between presentations. I
know I used to do this for school a lot, but even in high school it was mostly lectures you could space out during
and college was only 3-4 classes per day. I have been around a lot of people for a long period of time, and all I
can think about is how I just want to go home. Now, as I walk to the door, I know this is just not going to happen.
I enter the restaurant to accept my fate. As I walk in, I pull classic introvert moves. I move to where I can do
something other than talk: the food and drink tables (Note: The bathroom is usually the sanctuary for introverts
trying to escape a crowd). I swear I ate like there was no tomorrow, and I kept my mouth chewing at all times. I
realized that I was just going to be here to say I was here and get out as soon as
possible.
For the first time in my life, I did not even try to pretend
that I was anything other than an introvert who had no energy for a social gathering. I made no attempt to engage
other people or do anything. I came, I ate, I departed [well, I at least hoped to leave ASAP]. Then, of course, as
I stick a large piece of food in my mouth and try to make my way over to the beverages, I am intercepted and brought
into a conversation. Dammit...
Then, I thought: wait a second.
This is the perfect time for a social experiment on introversion. I just made a huge connection today. My
interactions have been less than fulfilling all day, and I wonder if this has something to do with it.
*****************
I have been in a slump recently. Just as most people's lives ebb and flow, my social
life/ability/interactions fluctuate greatly, containing trends of weeks to months in duration and quick jumps within
a day (conversations in the morning could be fantastic, another two later in the day could be horrid, and the tone
of my interactions will return and maintain that relatively great level).
In the mid to late summer, things were going great. I had a crew from work to have lunch with and go
out with after work if the mood struck us, and I found myself being a key part of this group. I had the witty
comments, the Seinfeld references, the interesting facts and stories all flowing perfectly. I haven't been
part of a solid group like this for almost a year now, and the time before that was the end of my college career. I
thought maybe the tide had turned in my favor, and I was looking to keep it that way.
Things change,
however, and I had found myself losing my important role in the group. I felt like I was quickly becoming an
outcast, whether is was because I missed a few gatherings or because I was running out of material.
"Running out
of material"...it is funny how change can make you think that maybe you're just putting on a facade and it suddenly
went away. I don't believe that for a second, but you know things are starting to get bad when every other thing
that comes out of your mouth is either not understood by anyone or practically ignored when the subject is changed
immediately. It comes to the point where you think you are either boring or having nothing interesting to say to
people.
I don't claim to understand it, but I go from conversational guru to socially disfunctional from one
time period to the next. Go figure.
*****************
I look back at my
day. For the past 36 hours, I have felt either ignored or socially ineffective. It has been a part of a recent
stretch of relatively frequent social debacles, and both cases have involved high people engagement. Things like
body language, attitude, appearance, and pheromones could all be factors in this, but I have just realized that
there might be more. When I am socially exhausted, people become completely turned off by conversations with me. I
can do anything, but my efforts would be as futile as trying to stop making Rocky movies or bad reality TV shows.
Here is my chance to test it.
After chewing the enormous bite I
took, I make my attempt at solving this riddle that has puzzled me for my whole life. I make sure that my body
language and conversation content is practically identical to any other time or situation. I take my best shot at
salvaging this potential disaster. This conversation lasts a couple of minutes before it dissolves. Fortunately,
they put some new food on the table for me to go sample. When I return, I get one more shot at this. A person I
have not met before walks by, and I introduce myself and my colleague. After a few minutes, my colleague goes away,
and I am left alone to battle the inevitable boredom and tedious conversation that would typically arise in my
state. I pay attention to body language, and I can see that this guy is looking for an out. Granted, he decided to
leave the event, but I think I can just tell that this was not one of my best
moments.
I leave the party feeling miserable. I hit the gym and
start running. For the first few minutes, I listen to the music while cursing in my head and venting overall
aggrevation. Then, I realize, that this was all caused by my energy being drained. I realize the irony of
understanding that my energy was drained and running helped recharge it (charging one battery while draining
another, I guess), but it all makes sense now. When my battery is dead, people do not respond to me at all, and I
begin to feel miserable. Just as pheromones cause people to act differently, my body's psychological energy level
can affect how people react to me and even how I feel. What a fascinating
realization.
*****************
I
am introverted. I interact with the world on a much different level that 75% of the United States. For the first
time in my life, I do not represent the majority. While the single, white, male, 20's demographic (alias John Q.
Public, alias Joe Schmoe, alias will fit the basic profile of most serial killers when he reaches an older age
group) was my previous locale, I now fit in a minority of people that have a difficult time assimilating to the
culture because I am different.
They say the hardest part of life is finding out who you are. What about
the part where you have to accept the difference between who you are and who you have to be to fit in? I've spent
my whole life making excuses, and when I first told the truth, people think I am shy/reserved/quiet or I have an
anxiety disorder.
I would continue this pondering, but I have another class soon and have to recover so as
to be prepared for my next social marathon. It could be worse...I could require partying hard, taking drugs, and
seeking cheap thrills to get the external stimulation I would need as an extrovert.
I think that for once in my
life I'm content being alone with nothing to do but relax. Apparently, I need it to retain my sanity.
PR
Visionary7903
11-10-2005, 04:25 AM
Excellent stuff Pancho I
learned something from that! :thumbsup:
I am an introvert too and proud of it. I think there are a lot of
intoverted-type of people on this forum looking to improve their lives and who need the 'edge' that mones
provide.
Visionary
Pancho1188
11-12-2005, 09:25 PM
Panch Drunk
Love
By Pancho Rivera
I'm in love.
Not really, but the thought pops into my head a lot. I
guess I really want to be in love, or maybe I just never differentiated between being attracted to someone and
having feelings for them. Either way, I seem to like to think about that a lot in my interactions with women. In
fact, I do it so much that I no longer trust myself to know how to tell when I actually do love someone because of
my inability to clearly differentiate attraction, affection, infatuation, loneliness, and love.
Maybe I took one
too many psychology courses and confused love with positive regard (for those non-psych people, when patients had an
unloving childhood, psychologists use "unconditional positive regard", the professional equivalent of a parent's
unconditional love, to get them to feel comfortable talking and sharing their inner thoughts and feelings). After
all, I can't get a smile from a girl I'm attracted to without turning into a bumbling idiot and losing the ability
to form a coherent sentence. When I can, it's usually because I am so focused on something else that I can never
do anything about it, anyway. Finally, when somehow things do seem to click, it is usually because it is impossible
for anything to happen. That is something I never fully understood, but it is something that is very real.
************************
Fortunately, I have grown past the point of loneliness being my only
motivation for trying to be with someone. I had an opportunity to go out with someone a while ago. Although she
was an attractive girl, I wasn't attracted to her at all. My friend kept asking me if I liked her and telling me
to ask her out. I can take a hint...no matter how dense I make myself out to be, I could see that one. It seems to
be that you can always tell when someone you don't like likes you. I won't say it is never the case the other way
around (after all, that would go against one of my other stories), but I would say that I have yet to have it happen
for someone who made me forget my own name when I saw her (I guess you have to have a name before someone can like
you, right? ;)).
This woman happened to live near me, so I told her that we should hang out sometime. She came
over my place, and we watched some movies after I made dinner. I made a pretty good meal, and it was a good time
all around. I popped in another movie, and I even switched the futon into the bed position so we could lie down. I
know how bad that sounds, but I have this natural inclination to lie down when I'm watching a movie at home, and I
was already slowly tilting over more and more on the futon as it was until I was curled up in a ball, trying to stop
from stretching my legs and kicking her. So, of course I was lying with her with some blankets watching a movie,
and I stepped back for a moment to assess the situation. It had been a while since I had been in this situation,
and I found it strange and funny that I had no intentions other than to watch this movie. I flashed back to my
ex-girlfriend, with whom I shared many movies and many moves on this same futon, always hoping to cuddle up and make
out at some point during or afterwards (usually afterwards on the making out - hey, I watch movies from beginning to
end).
I was close enough to feel her body close to mine, and I was tempted beyond Adam and Eve to do something
while I was there, but I didn't. I did not like her more than a friend, and although I knew I could have done
something about it, I didn't. I think I finally decided that I should learn how to be friends with women and leave
it at that. This is not because I can't, the way I thought about it in the past, but because I don't want to deal
with it. I am taking control, and I do not want anything right now.
The movie ended, and we lied there for a
while, not wanting to get up. The pressure was rising, as it was obvious that it was an easy move to make. After
all, I've done this several times before and could do it again. When I know something like I did then, I could
just do it. This time, however, it was just not right. "I wish I knew what you were thinking," she said. Be
careful what you wish for...I don't think she wanted to know the answer. I didn't even want to know the answer.
Finally, we got up, and she got ready to go home. I walked her out and asked her how she left it with this guy at
work who likes her but she didn't like him. She looked directly at me and said, "I told him that I was interested
in someone else." I tried not to physically mimic the whincing that was going on in my head. I pretended like I
thought she was insinuating that she lied to the guy and started laughing that laugh I do at random times in the
conversation that makes people wonder what is so funny. It wasn't the same after that. The next morning, we met
on the way to the bus to work without me saying much. I don't usually talk in the morning and made no effort to
pretend that I did during that trip, which basically made her uncomfortable. We tried to do something again later,
but I was busy and nothing ever really happened since.
************************
This
was not my only moment of personal growth. The friend who actually was trying to get me to go out with that girl
was actually the first step in this new development.
Shortly prior to the above incident, I meet the newest
addition to our team. We became friends quickly, as we connected with some great witty banter and interesting
conversations. What is funny is that, looking at her for the first time, I do not find her attractive. In fact, I
notice that she has almost a lisp (not quite, but the closest analogy I could make), which I could not determine
whether it what her manner of speaking English as a second language (even though she speaks it as well as I do) or
because of the structure of her teeth, which I noticed to be slightly different than what I would consider perfect,
although there is nothing inherently wrong with them.
As it turns out, she is gorgeous. Guys hit on her all of
the time, and she even has the attitude of someone who is gorgeous sometimes. I don't know how I missed that one.
Maybe it was because she stopped by my cube on her first day like I was supposed to know her, so I thought she was
someone else I knew for a short time and waited to get more information as to what she was doing at my cube before I
was comfortable making a final guess. Obviously, it was her first day.
She is the first woman of that caliber
that I have ever been friends with. I obviously have to attribute this to the fact that I didn't notice her beauty
at first and that I am not and was never attracted to her. Therefore, I did not act like it and did not go into my
goofy character that seems to emerge in the presence of the attractive. This was possibly the greatest breakthrough
in recent memory. Why? With an attractive female friend comes...well...more attractive female friends.
My life
turned on its head after that. I was introduced to several other attractive women and now have a group of
attractive female friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. Like George Costanza in the Seinfeld
episode where he uses a picture of an attractive woman to get him into the circle of attractive women, I raised
my game and probably my perceived attractiveness to a whole level.
************************
By controlling my feelings, preventing loneliness from imparing my judgment, and deciding that I am
not going out with anyone right now and will actually try to befriend women I am attracted to rather than acting
like an idiot with a crush, I finally felt alright about things. I kept myself out of trouble (i.e. keeping my mind
out of the attraction mindset) for a while, but something had to happen. There is a woman that collects trinkets
from different cities, and I sent an email about two months ago to my family as a joke that if they ever found a
cheap trinket with the city's name on it to get it and send it to me for a free drink (the offer from the woman to
anyone who finds one for her). Of course, my family steps up to the plate and asks me about this request. I told
them I was joking around (I mentioned to the woman that I had family everywhere around the US and could probably
fill her collection quickly), but of course I get one from my grandmother the next time that I see her.
How am I
going to sell this story? "Hello, I emailed my whole family so I could get a trinket to add to your collection.
Now you have to hang out with me long enough for me to seduce you." Men have said and done worse, but I of course
have no intention of that. As I said, I am not going out with anyone anytime soon, and I would like for once to
befriend women I find attractive. Unfortunately, as the difference between a straight male-straight woman
friendship and gay male-straight woman friendship, if you have a penis and you are not gay, women naturally think
you are hitting on them if you do anything...anything at all. Seriously, you could be Superman saving a woman from
falling to her death, and when you set her down, someone somewhere would walk up to you and say, "Nice...so what, do
you like her? Why didn't you ask her out?" One day, I would like to just ask someone out as a friend, have them
reject me thinking I'm asking them out for a date, and say, "What, because I have a penis, I can't be your friend?
Whatever..."
I walk down the hall to her cube ready to tell my little story. I ask her if she has a moment,
and I sit down and tell it to the best of my ability, saying that I sent an email to my geographically dispersed
family as a joke thinking that nobody sells the things she was collecting and got a call and an email from family
members asking me about this and telling me they'll buy one for me while they are in Seattle, Austria, or other
places. I tell her about my grandmother and how she gave me the trinket to give to her and how she said, "Enjoy
your free drink."
As I say this, she smiles and set her hand on my knee, which catches me by surprise. I swear,
I must be autistic because people touching me always makes me jump and then freeze until the contact is completed.
I think I handled it better than in the past, though, and despite my blushing and obvious embarrassment upon her
telling her colleague and probably being overheard by two or three more people, I get through my story. She tells
me how much she understands because she is close to her grandparents and would even like to send my grandmother a
thank-you note. I tell her I'll email her the contact information and wait for her to let me know when she was
available to take me out for that free drink (it's Q4, so people in her area probably have tight schedules, and
besides, if she's supposed to take me out, she should extend the offer, I guess). I sent the information, but I
have yet to hear back in a couple of weeks. Oh, well. I guess you can't get past your gender in these situations.
I was all excited, too, because she is gorgeous and would be a great new addition to my list of attractive
friends.
************************
I thought that would be the last little
excitement in the female arena for a while. In fact, I thought that my new philosophy was working so well that I
would be done with any romantic fantasies until I decided I was ready to actually pursue, acquire, and follow
through with something real. Apparently, I thought too soon. I had it so easy for a while that I underestimated
the power of a woman that could melt my heart at the sight of her face.
There's this girl that works in the
same department as I do, but fortunately for my sanity I do not interact with her much. As you can guess, it was
during one of these periods in which I had several interactions that I broke down, and it just got worse from
there.
I don't know what it is about this woman, but she is the kind of girl that could make me forget my own
name. After a good conversation with her, I will walk around with a pleasant feeling for hours. I am not the same
person after it, and I walk around in a daze forever until I finally come down from the high and go back to normal.
I think it has to be quite obvious, and I tell everyone how I am just completely infatuated with this woman when I
am in her vicinity.
I walk by her cube late one night to set something on a colleague's desk, and she asks me
what I am still doing here. I tell her I had to get something on someone's desk before I left, and then I ask what
she is doing here because she is usually gone much earlier than this. She tells me she is travelling to the big
meeting we have tomorrow and has to be ready for her 7 a.m. flight. I ask her if there is anything I could do to
help, and I hang around while she is getting copies of some projects ready to take with her. I ask why I don't see
her at the gym anymore, and she said she quit 'donating' to the gym a while ago. I walk her outside and ask her
if she forgot her purse. She tells me that her friend is waiting for her outside and it's in there already. I say
goodbye and go home, but the feeling lingers. It takes about an hour or so to snap out of it.
A little over a
week later, she stops by my desk and hounds us for not signing up for the 5K charity event that she is the main
contact for in our area. Of course, I made a bunch of signs last year for the event and was going to do this one
but never heard anything about it. While I had the opportunity, I figured I would go and pick a fight (the kind you
pick with people you like). I printed out my signs and went over to put one on her cube. She said that the person
organizing it for the department probably wouldn't like it, but I could hang it up inside her cube. I told her
that I wasn't going to hang it up if she didn't want it, but then she insisted so I taped it to the wall. I asked
her how to sign up, and she said just to email her. I, of course, go back to my desk and write one of my signature
emails with a serious part and a joking part, saying how I just ran a marathon so I should be able to handle a 5K
and that I don't get why everyone is so uptight about me posting fun signs for the charity walk (I took 50 Cent, P.
Diddy, etc. from their "Vote or Die" campaign and altered the pictures to say, "Walk or Die"; I also took the "Rock
the Vote" sign and changed it to "Rock the Walk"). I guess you can't mix business with pleasure or
something...which brings me to the part where she never replied, as she almost never replies via email. She must
get a million emails per day like a lot of people I work with.
Shortly after this encounter, I have a
conversation with my friend (my attractive colleague I'm not attracted to) about having a surprise party for the
woman's recent promotion. While we were on the subject, she tells me that the woman has a boyfriend.
"I know,"
I reply. "She has two pictures of him on her desk."
She asks, "How did you know it was her boyfriend?"
"It was a
picture of just the two of them and the only one in a frame. Besides, he was doing the boyfriend pose - you know,
he was turned slightly in her direction and had his arm behind her, and they were standing rather formally."
"Oh,
so you already knew she has been with this guy for four years?"
"No, actually, but I was working late one night and
noticed how everyone's lights are always left on. Her lamp was still on, so I went to turn it off and noticed the
pictures."
"But you still like her?" She asked this because she knows my policy.
"Hey, usually my mind snaps out
of it the minute I hear the word 'boyfriend', but it just never clicked for me in a way that kept me from acting
stupid around her. I told you, though, I was never planning on asking her out. Look, I know how you are when you
know someone likes someone else. You mention them a lot and ask questions." I was referring to the fact that I
knew she was insinuating I go out with the girl I mentioned earlier. "Please don't mention me to her; I don't
need her figuring out from you that I have this stupid infatuation that I am never going to act on, anyway."
Of
course, later that day, we have cake for her and my friend just has to go and mention that I was the one who bought
the cake. She thanked me, but of course I was too busy trying to put the box to the cake with the last piece back
together to give to her before she left to give a better response than, "Of course."
Once again, I figure that
this was it for a while. I seriously need to get back to the way it was recently where I somehow forgot that I was
a human with the need for some sort of deep emotional connection with someone. Instead of going to sit down, I was
on deck and stepping up to the plate shortly.
This week is over 45 hours of intense training for my job. On top
of that, I need to keep up with the preparations for the meeting we have coming up, so I need to check email and do
some extra work after hours. Even worse, the training is with over 50 people, and spending that much time every day
in the same room with engaging conversation is testing my energy level as an introvert. To add to this situation,
there are a couple of girls in this room that could draw my attention away from the speakers for half of this
program. I figure I will be okay, but time and events can have an effect on people.
The first pitch is
delivered while I am not looking. I am running to my desk to check email, and then I run back to the room. While
running down the staircase, I am of course watching the steps and not paying attention to anything else until I
hear, "Hi, Pancho. How are you doing?" As I am flying down the stairs, I look up in just enough time to see my
trinket girl passing right next to me. I, not looking and still running to get back in time, think just enough to
release a, "Hi, I'm doing well. Thanks for asking!" before I clear the stairs and bolt into the room. Of course,
I missed my opportunity to flirt and secure that coffee date in the near future or at least build rapport and ask
how she is doing, making it a called strike for a 0-1 count.
I am two days into the session, and I think the
intensity of the training, the people, and the time is getting to me. Since I am in the presence of so many pretty
faces, I take plenty of long glances to the girls that strike my fancy. I guess it keeps me awake and motivated,
since beautiful surroundings create pleasant feelings. I can feel it starting to get to me, though, in the sense
that I am starting to feel like I want to be with someone.
The second pitch comes the next day when we are at
lunch. This cute girl who I've known for a while and have talked to a couple of times sits next to me in our
group. I mention the Northwestern joke I made about her since Penn State beat them a few weeks before and I rubbed
it in her face for no reason but to get a laugh. While eating my pizza, I look down and notice that my hands are
covered in black from part of the pizza being overcooked. I am having an obsessive-compulsive fit because I can't
get it off, and she talks to me while I say, "Look at this! This black stuff is all over my hands! I can't get it
off! Ahhhh!" When I finally realize that she was talking to me, I apologize and ask her what she said. "Oh,
nevermind. It was nothing important." I haven't heard that from someone in years...in fact, I say that a lot but
am not used to hearing it. To show that I wasn't not paying attention to her because I didn't care what she was
saying, I said, "No, go ahead. It was something about my program..." I finally got her talking about it, and we
had a decent conversation. I noticed a hint of something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I think it was
interest, but I probably couldn't recognize it because I haven't seen it in a while. That was a ball, bringing
the count to 1-1.
The next day, a similar event occurred. I arrive at the meeting last, as usual, and the first
seat I find is right next to the girl I sat with at lunch the previous day. Besides having a great seat, at the end
of the day, she had her presentation sitting on the floor next to a bottle of lotion. I take the lotion bottle and
start fake-pounding on it with my fist, pretending to squirt it all over her presentation. "Sabotage!" I whisper
to her. I am not sure she gets it at first, and I am not even thinking about the possible miscommunication that I
am doing something else. Once she sees that I am facing the nozzle at her presentation, she laughs, picks up the
bottle, and puts it out of my reach like a mother keeping a trouble-making toy away from a mischievous boy. Ball 2,
2-1. I get a replay shortly later of this when I enter the copy room and she enters behind me to copy her
presentation to give to her team. I was about to scan a large document, so I suggested that she go first. As she
was copying, I made a joke:
"It would be a shame if you had an extra copy and I stole it from you to use in our
final presentation tomorrow."
"But you already saw this presentation today."
"True, but I didn't get a chance to
copy all of your ideas down."
"You seem set on sabotaging our presentation."
I give an evil grin and wonder if
she knows I am just playing with her. She wishes me a good night, and I go to do my scanning.
It is a little
late at the office, and I pass by the woman that makes me swoon. She is still there, so I decide to stop by and
give her a hard time as an excuse to bother her. As I walk up, I notice a huge vase of roses, and I instantly know
who sent them. This serves as a reminder of that long relationship, so reality sinks in and this just becomes a
moment to talk and make a quick joke.
"Wow, those are nice. What's the occasion?"
"Anniversary."
"Ahhh.
Which one is it? How long has it been?"
"A long time..."
Whoa, does she know how she just sounded? Now, by
this time in the week, I have to admit that I am way too out of it to make a judgment call, but that sounded almost
sad. Maybe it was just wishful interpretation and she was just saying that to emphasize that it had been a while,
but, honestly, how many satisfied women do you know who answer like that? At this point, I just keep going.
"4
years?"
"How did you know?" She never told me that. Remember, I heard that from my friend when she was giving me
all of that information about her relationship status. I didn't expect her to think anything of it, so I scrambled
to make my usual wisecracks.
"Well, you said, 'A long time...' That's a long time. Actually, I found out
about it on the internet. There is a whole website devoted to your relationship with pictures and everything."
Wow, I am one step from having my foot in my mouth, but I guess that was alright.
"Anyway, I wanted to know
where my card was. You came all the way over to bug me about it, I sign up, and you don't even give me a card to
put on my cube to show I'm participating."
"We ran out. David isn't here today, and I didn't want to raid his
office to find them."
"Oh, okay."
"Here, you can have mine."
"No, I don't want to take yours, I am just giving
you a hard time about it." I am just here to talk to you because the love chemical in my brain goes crazy when I
look at you and I will bother you with any legitimate excuse I get. Don't you see that? Don't you?!?!? I hope
not, because I'd like to keep that to myself, anyway.
"No, really. Here, take mine. Everyone knows I'm
walking."
I protest while she talks, but she hands it to me and I hold it while I finish talking about it.
"You never got anyone else to sign up." Every usual comeback to that statement comes into my head and is quickly
destroyed because it would usually be self-deprecating or mean-spirited humor like, "That's because I'm a loser,"
or, "I'm not going to bother anyone with that," or whatever. My thought goes to my friend, who isn't walking as
far as I know and would be the only person I would bother asking if she was going. That is the only reason on earth
I can think of for why I said what I said next.
"I know. Maybe I should have done something like this." I
point to the vase of roses. I have been looking at them as much as I've been looking at her.
"What, given them
flowers?"
"Uhhh...yeah." What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! That doesn't make any sense at all. At this point,
I am so out of it that I don't know whether I either said or thought, "Well, one rose." I don't know what the
hell I was thinking, so I quickly change the subject.
"I really feel bad taking this sign. I am going to put it
back on your cube."
Again, she tells me to take it, and I say that I'll go put it up right away. I go to leave
and then remember the other reason I stopped by. I ask her about this project I set up, and she says that she heard
it went well. I tell her I'd give her a copy for her team when I was done in case she wants to use it for another
project. I finish talking to her and go back to my cube. A little time goes by, and I decide that now that I am
out from under her spell, I should actually say something nice about her anniversary. I was so out of it that I
didn't even wish her a happy anniversary. I decided to write something heartfelt instead.
"Subject: Beautiful
Flowers
Someone must be really lucky. :) Then again, maybe two people are really lucky."
Obviously, I was
ambiguous in the first one as to whether I was talking about her (for the flowers) or him (for being so lucky that
he sends flowers in appreciation). That, of course, might be enough to insinuate something, but the second sentence
left no doubt that I was just trying to pay a compliment and make her feel special with what she had. I did not get
a reply, as I knew I wouldn't, but I hope it did something to brighten her day. She is still there almost an hour
later.
"Why are you still here?"
"Why are you still here?"
"I'm not the one with a dozen roses on my
desk," insinuating that she shouldn't be here anymore because there is somewhere else she should be. I still
don't get why she is still here, but it is not my business to press. I still have this feeling that she likes me
despite some evidence that suggests otherwise. Ball 3, 3-1.
I'm ahead in the count. This should be great,
right? Thinks seem to have been in my favor recently, and maybe just the right moment will come where I'll get
something going.
Friday arrives, and the last day of training is here. I spent hours the previous night
drafting the presentation to lessen the work for our teem today. Apparently, this work was desperately needed, as
we arrived in our final team preparation meeting with a lot of work to be done. I am scrambling to get things done,
and I get slide after slide ready without moving from my seat. Lunch goes by, and I get about 5 bites of my
sandwich the whole time before final edits are made.
As I am working on the fifth or six page, one of the women
in our group comes over to show me her page. This woman is all-around beautiful, but there is something about her
that I cannot get past and even know why. She has these big, beautiful eyes, and if you know anything about
psychology, you know that big eyes are attractive. Babies have big eyes for this reason: an evolutionary way for
humans to naturally find babies to be adorable, they have several characteristics that make them great. Also, these
type of eyes are rated highly in attractiveness scales. I feel bad because I was staring at her constantly, and to
make it worse it was always directly into her eyes because they were captivating. If I could, I would stare into
them all day. Honestly, besides knowing that she has short, blond hair and that she is thin, I don't know what the
rest of her looks like in more detail than those eyes.
She goes over the page with me, and I draw it up on the
computer. She comes by later, puts her hands on my shoulder, and asks how I am doing. I am not even sure if I
answered her because I was so focused on what I was doing. A half-hour or so later (time was crunched and I could
not tell how much was going by at any moment despite my constant clock-checking), the presentation was almost done,
and we were racing the clock as our presentation was almost about to begin. She puts on her makeup and tells me
that she would buy me a drink if we weren't already having a company-sponsored happy hour after the presentation.
I look up as she says this, and she is putting on some type of shiny lipstick. I stare for a moment and look at
something other than her eyes for once. Damn............................. *Snap* I get back to work. Strike 2.
3-2.
We give the presentations, and I go back to the room we were preparing in to get my stuff. Apparently,
this was the site of the happy hour. Whoops. They moved all of our stuff in no particular order to another room.
I scramble over to look for my stuff, but the cap with attached necklace to my USB memory stick is gone. I can't
find it, and it is driving me insane because I never lose anything. My obsessive-compulsive behavior kicks in, and
I am looking frantically for it. I grab what I could find and take it back to my desk so I don't lose it, and I
get back to my cube only to find my chair is gone and someone was logged into my computer with their username
locked. I'm starting to stress out. I've been around a large group of people all week, there is a large social
event going on, someone touched and moved my possessions, and I can't find things. I am losing it. During this
little panic, I miss the bulk of the happy hour.
As I am running around, someone tells me that someone found a
USB-related item. I turn to find the most attractive girl at the meeting standing two feet in front of me looking
directly into my eyes. I did not see that one coming, and I am shocked. I could have stopped and talked to her,
but instead I thanked her and ran off to find my stuff.
Later, one of my teammates stops me to say goodbye, and
I ask her if she happened to see it or (even better because I'd have found it) take it while she was putting her
laptop away. We looked for a minute or two, but then she had to leave. As she was leaving, Big Beautiful Eyes was
getting ready to leave, too, and overheard me talking about how I never lose anything.
"You'd hate being with
me, then." What?!?!?!? Did she just say what I think she said? Once again, I hear my words coming out of someone
else's mouth that have always been used around someone I like. Of course, I was too busy scrambling to find my
lost stuff, so I kept looking around. As they left, she thanked our teammate for keeping us all together, and then
they thanked me for my job on the presentation, saying there would be no presentation without me. They leave, and I
make my final attempts to find whatever else I could find, missing what appears to me in hindsight to be huge missed
opportunities. Strike 3. I'm out...
I go back to the happy hour, have a drink, and help the organizer clean
up. I am about to leave when I decide to thank someone I never met in person for helping me out last year on a
project via a colleague and email. Because of this, I get into a conversation with him and this girl that I
actually had lunch with through the same colleague a couple of times a few months before the other event, meaning it
was almost a year and a half ago. As thanks for my assistance with cleanup, I got a free ride home courtesy of the
organizer, who I should have remembered better before being reminded.
I slowly begin to fall asleep after I get
home while thoughts and images of the week's events danced through my head. I suddenly remember that I was going
to try and ask out this one girl, one of the attractive girls in my lunch group, to a movie over the weekend but
never had a moment that day to make it to her desk. I had a dream about her the night before, and I had a feeling I
should ask her out the day before when I stopped by to give her a cookie and show her something we were talking
about the previous week. I can't put my finger on it, but something was telling me to ask her out. Unfortunately,
time was not on my side this week, and I fell asleep thinking about the romantic adventures of Pancho Rivera...
I wake up on Saturday and take a day off from life. There needs to be some downtime from all of that action. I
figured that this might finally be the end of things for a while since I won't be seeing the people I had training
with very much anymore. Of course, I check my email to see if anything happened last night that I should be aware
of, and who would have thought: the trinket girl sent me an email the night before apologizing and telling me that
we will definitely go out for a drink very soon. The catcher must have dropped the ball on the third strike and
gave me a chance advance to first. Maybe things might work out after all. Maybe this crazy week with women might
amount to something. Maybe I'll get to think for the second time in my life, "I'm in love." Maybe I'll just,
for once in my life, have a gorgeous female that I am attracted to as my friend. Either way, three out of four
ain't bad.
PR
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