View Full Version : reading others
apple
03-01-2004, 09:58 PM
ok i am SO bad at reading
how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no
prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to
waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know
how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i care about that i want to read better to help them and
me!
anyone know any sites that really help people learn to read others\' deeper emotions? maybe even to find
out how much one person cares about another? not just little surface emotions? or books? something to help me pick
things up!
Apple,
try reading
their body language. People are often very good at hiding their true feelings in their faces, e.g. they may try and
appear interested when they\'re actually bored... but most people don;t think twice about adjusting their body
language too.
Look at their general posture...are they looking down more than usual...not making much eye contact
etc....
EXIT63
03-02-2004, 05:00 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are
feeling. I can easily pick up if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean
if theyre sad and trying to act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone
is sad, i wanna know if its a little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ...
honestly this is about people i care about that i want to read better to help them and me!
<hr
/></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Ask them.
Elana
03-02-2004, 05:03 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font
class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up
if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to
act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a
little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i
care about that i want to read better to help them and me!
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Ask
them.
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
I was just going to write that.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Ask them what is going on. Don\'t try to play Jr. detective
with someone\'s feelings.
EXIT63
03-02-2004, 05:22 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I was just going to write that.
Ask them what is
going on. Don\'t try to play Jr. detective with someone\'s feelings.
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
Great minds think alike. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Elana
03-02-2004, 05:23 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font
class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I was just going to write that.
Ask them what is going on. Don\'t try to
play Jr. detective with someone\'s feelings.
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Great minds
think alike. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
but you scare me /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
</font><blockquote><font
class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
ok i am SO bad at reading how other people are feeling. I can easily pick up
if its good or bad, but thats about it... surface stuff is no prob (by surface i mean if theyre sad and trying to
act happy i can still tell theyre sad) but i can never tell to waht degree! if someone is sad, i wanna know if its a
little thing or devistation, if theyre happy i want to know how happy. I dunno ... honestly this is about people i
care about that i want to read better to help them and me!
anyone know any sites that really help people learn to
read others\' deeper emotions? maybe even to find out how much one person cares about another? not just little
surface emotions? or books? something to help me pick things up!
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
Body language can give you a cue, but it is up to you to go find out what is going on if you
really care. It is called communication, open and honest. You will find that you may have to be the first to open
yourself up, but if you do people usually respond to that. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
EXIT63
03-02-2004, 05:48 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you scare me
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
Is that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be able to resist him\" scared.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Or a \"this guys a complete psycho\" scared?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Elana
03-02-2004, 05:49 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font
class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you scare me
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Is
that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be able to resist him\" scared.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Or a \"this guys a complete psycho\" scared?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
both
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
EXIT63
03-02-2004, 05:51 AM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font
class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
but you
scare me
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
Is that a \"He\'s so irresistable I won\'t be
able to resist him\" scared. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Or a \"this guys a complete
psycho\" scared? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
both /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
Now I\'m scared. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
DrSmellThis
03-02-2004, 12:23 PM
A goog thing is to
say, \"You look (insert emotion)\" or , \"Are you feeling (insert emotion)?\" OR to summarize someone\'s
statement back to them with emotional references, as in, \"Sounds like you (insert summary and emotion)\". Then
you see how they respond, correct your impressions based on that, and repeat until mutually satisfied with the
communication. Counselors do this sort of thing in their training.
I liked the body lanuage comments,
BTW.
Although it\'s a skill that can be learned, emotional sensitivity is typically a sign of maturity, or
of having needed such skills for survival at some point in early life.
apple
03-02-2004, 12:41 PM
thing is i ask, and I
get \"im ok\" or \"Im fine\" >.< and its OBVIOUS nothing is ok OR fine! ill ask if theres anything they
need from me, or if i can do anything to help and I get the \"nothing\" comments or \"no im fine\". drives me up
the WALL! or when im opening up, sometimes i get them to open up, and then later they tell me what they said was a
joke. I opened myself and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its suddenly a joke grrr
i dont know how to tell whats serious or not or what the real feelings are, so confusing
Elana
03-02-2004, 01:21 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I get them to open up, and then later they tell me
what they said was a joke. I opened myself and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its
suddenly a joke
<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">
That\'s not very nice.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
DrSmellThis
03-02-2004, 01:58 PM
</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
thing is i ask, and I get \"im ok\" or \"Im
fine\" >.< and its OBVIOUS nothing is ok OR fine! ill ask if theres anything they need from me, or if i can
do anything to help and I get the \"nothing\" comments or \"no im fine\". drives me up the WALL! or when im
opening up, sometimes i get them to open up, and then later they tell me what they said was a joke. I opened myself
and shared things, then it seems they open up too and share but later its suddenly a joke grrr i dont know how to
tell whats serious or not or what the real feelings are, so confusing
<hr /></blockquote><font
class=\"post\">
I\'ll offer a couple observations:
A. You\'re asking close-ended questions in
this example, as opposed to the recommendations in my last post. Open ended is the way to go, or penetrating
observations that the person can respond to, as I suggested. Sometimes, when women ask me things like that (is there
anything you need me to do?\", \"Are you OK?\" etc.) I feel it\'s a bit distancing, or as if they really think
whatever I\'m feeling is my problem, or that they don\'t really care enough to wade through the muck. It\'s
like, \"let me know if one of your limbs falls off or there\'s a dire emergency\". \"Anything I can do to
help?\" in these situations, symbolically puts the person in a helpless position; suggests a person needs help or
isn\'t helping themselves; or isn\'t as empowering; in addition to expressing a lack of interest in
understanding the person (unless it comes after such understanding). So of course, a person responds with
short answers that \"nothing is the matter\", or \"I don\'t need help\" (= \"no I\'m not a helpless
pussy\"). You have to demonstrate genuine interest in understanding the person and their feelings, as well as
readiness to deal with whatever then might emerge.
B. Aren\'t you really talking about you and your
boyfriend? If so this complicates things a little, as the general need/power/space dynamics of the relationship
determine much of it.
apple
03-02-2004, 02:07 PM
hes one of the people i
want to read better for sure, but not the only one
i just dont know what questions to ask! i ask stuff like that
caue i cant read what exactly is wrong and so i ask to try and figure it out
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif im not trying to make them feel bad, im trying to show im there to
help if they need it, that im there for them
DrSmellThis
03-02-2004, 02:15 PM
(See edits here
and above)
You have good intentions, obviously. But we need to go out on a limb sometimes and read the person
the best we can (based on body language, what just happened, etc.). You need not be afraid to guess wrong about what
they\'re feeling, as this will at least be interpreted as genuine interest. I recommend studying my examples if
you want, and mentally inserting specific things you might say in specific situations.
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