Gossamer_2701
02-25-2004, 09:59 AM
Dear
Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I\'m a huge fan of
yours. My friend, you always seem to
be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you\'re even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates
as you warm us when we\'re stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
However, lately I\'ve been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that
any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for
a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let
alone all
hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a kabob
with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
Nesquik
& topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I\'m an eclectic eater,
but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you\'re subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It\'s
completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day
is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can
often clarify the last point below, but the
following
costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in
public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,
or bras. Also, what is with you making
me take pictures with
people I clearly don\'t like when I\'m sober? Yet they
suddenly become my best friends
when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do
not. Please do not request that I
go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The
phrase
\"Let\'s F***\" is illegal from now on. While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially
in public. Please stop
me from talking to the guy/girl with
the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they
so appealing to me while I\'m with you & why
are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have
worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous
evening\'s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover
immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matt!
er)
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to ensure that we
remain on good terms. You\'ve
been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don\'t know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue
this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look
for
an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you, from your biggest fan.
___________________________________________
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE
DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don\'t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no
more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you\'re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn\'t it lovely
out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn\'t. No one wants to hear me sing
\"It\'s not the sin to fall but the sin to
stay down.\"
Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I\'m a huge fan of
yours. My friend, you always seem to
be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you\'re even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates
as you warm us when we\'re stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
However, lately I\'ve been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that
any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for
a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let
alone all
hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a kabob
with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
Nesquik
& topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I\'m an eclectic eater,
but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you\'re subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It\'s
completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day
is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can
often clarify the last point below, but the
following
costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in
public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,
or bras. Also, what is with you making
me take pictures with
people I clearly don\'t like when I\'m sober? Yet they
suddenly become my best friends
when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do
not. Please do not request that I
go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The
phrase
\"Let\'s F***\" is illegal from now on. While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially
in public. Please stop
me from talking to the guy/girl with
the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they
so appealing to me while I\'m with you & why
are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have
worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous
evening\'s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover
immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matt!
er)
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to ensure that we
remain on good terms. You\'ve
been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don\'t know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue
this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look
for
an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you, from your biggest fan.
___________________________________________
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE
DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU\'RE
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don\'t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no
more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you\'re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn\'t it lovely
out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn\'t. No one wants to hear me sing
\"It\'s not the sin to fall but the sin to
stay down.\"