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View Full Version : SEX, ANIMALS & A BLONDE!!



MOBLEYC57
01-24-2004, 07:08 PM
80TH

BIRTHDAY WISH! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

An old man went in to see the doctor and

said, \"Doc, I\'m turning eighty tomorrow. I\'ve hired a hooker for the night, and I\'d love to do it just

one more time before I die. Can you give me something that\'ll get me up?\"

The doctor smiled. \"I

don\'t normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night.\"



Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, \"How\'s it going?\"

\"Fabulous,\" the old man said. \"I\'ve cum three times already.\"

\"That\'s great!,\" the doctor

said. \"the hooker must be astounded!!\"

\"Not exactly,\" the old man said. \"She\'s not here

yet.\"


HOOKER MADNESS!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

A man walked up to a

hooker and asked how much she charged for a hand job.

\"$100,\" the hooker replied.

\"What the

f#ck, over!?\" said the man. \"That\'s a bit rich isn\'t it!!?\"

\"See that Porsche parked over

there?\" she said. \"I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town.\"

The man thought that this was

OK and agreed to the fee.

The hand job went on for hours. The guy loved it so much that he asked how much she

charged for a blow job.

\"$300,\" the hooker replied.

\"F#ck! That\'s a bit rich isn\'t

it!!?\"

\"See that block of units behind the Porsche?\" said the whore. \"I paid for that with cash

because I give the best blow jobs in town.\"

\"Son of a b!tch!!,\" said the patron. \"I guess I\'ll

give that a go, too.\"

When the pro finished the best blow job the man had ever had, he asked the hooker how

much for the real thing.

\"See that factory behind the block of units?\" the hooker

asked.

\"Yeah,\" he replied.

\"Well,\" the hooker sighed, \"That\'d be mine if I had a

pussy.\"


WHAT THE!!!? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

A man is calling on

his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend\'s wife of 30 years has died.

When he

knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the

house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

\"Jack!!\", says the man,

\"But you wife just died yesterday!\"

His friend looks up and says, \"In this grief, do you think I know

what I\'m doing!!!!?\"

TRICKS ARE SOMETIMES...SCARY!!

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother

bake biscuits in the kitchen.

\"Mom?\" she asks. \"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of

marriage?\"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats

down picking the dough up with her vagina.

\"Practice this and when you can do it, I\'ll guarantee that

your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,\" said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced

until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy

negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee,

and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from

the bed as quick as a crackhead cat, and backed away into the corner of the room with this horrified look on his

face.

Confused by his actions and the look on his face, she asked, \"What\'s wrong, honey!!?\"

He

replied, \"Holy sh!t woman!\" as he stepped further away. \"If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure

as hell don\'t want to throw any meat at it!\"

SHEEP LOVERS SPECIAL!!

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when

the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says, \"My! My!, Farmer Petrovich,

you\'re certainly giving that sheep a beating! You wouldn\'t do that to your wife, would you!?\"

The

farmer says, \"If she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her, I would!\"


A BLONDE

INTO SPACE /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On

board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage

drops off. Contact is made:

\"Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.\"

\"Oink, oink,

here Pig 1, read you loud and clear\"

\"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?\"

\"Yes, when

we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.\"

\"That\'s right. Over

and out.\"

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

\"Hello, Pig 2? Come in

please.\"

\"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.\"

\"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your

instructions?\"

\"Yes, when we\'ve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button

to initiate the launch program.\"

\"That\'s right, Pig 2. Over and out.\"

An hour later when the

rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts

again.

\"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?\"

\"Kiki here, reading you loud and

clear.\"

\"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?\"

\"Yes,\" Kiki says, \"I feed the two pigs

and keep my hands off any of the f#cking buttons!!\"

POTTTTHEADS!

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.


Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, \"Is that it!? Where\'s the f#cking

beef!!?\"

Hey! Gotta pig I can borrow? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif