Bruce
12-09-2003, 10:44 PM
Jim Kohl sent me these. Maybe it\'s just late or something, but I laughed until I cried at nearly every one.
Check it out.
B
----------------
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
1.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His
thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew
on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep,
throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad
as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his
marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife\'s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a
bowling ball wouldn\'t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty
bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you\'re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.
instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The
hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated
by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
35mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy
Kerrigan\'s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
18. Even in
his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not
eating for a while.
22. \"Oh, Jason, take me!\"; she panted, her breasts heaving like
a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
24.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire
hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
26.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing
up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.
Check it out.
B
----------------
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
1.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His
thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew
on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep,
throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad
as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his
marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife\'s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a
bowling ball wouldn\'t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty
bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you\'re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.
instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The
hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated
by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
35mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy
Kerrigan\'s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
18. Even in
his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not
eating for a while.
22. \"Oh, Jason, take me!\"; she panted, her breasts heaving like
a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
24.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire
hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
26.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing
up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.