MOBLEYC57
11-25-2003, 10:55 PM
May your Turkey Day
be filled with turkey that you don\'t have to chase down with a gallon of water!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
SHE DOESN’T HAVE A HEADACHE
One night, as a couple lay down
for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and
said, \"I\'m sorry honey, I\'ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\" Her
husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife
again. This time he whispered in her ear, \"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\"
A HUNTER’S
MEAL
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for
dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won\'t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn\'t tell
them.
His little boy keeps asking him, \"What\'s for dinner dad?\" \"You\'ll see\", he replies.
They’re eating dinner, and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
\"Ok\", says her dad,
\"Here\'s a hint. It\'s what your mother sometimes calls me.\"
His daughter screams...\"Don\'t eat it,
Jimmy!!...... It\'s a f#cking arsehole!!!\"
A DOCTOR’S FILE
A physician claims these are actual comments from
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. \"Take it easy, Doc, you\'re boldly going where
no man has gone before.\"
2. \"Find Amelia Earhart yet?\"
3. \"Can you hear me NOW?\"
4. \"Oh boy, that
was sphincterrific!\"
5. \"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?\"
6. \"You know, in
Arkansas, we\'re now legally married.\"
7. \"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?\"
8. \"You put your
left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....\"
9. \"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
feels!\"
10. \"If your hand doesn\'t fit, you must acquit.\"
11. \"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity.\"
12. \"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn\'t you?\"
13. \"Could you write me a note for
my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?\"
CUSTOMER SERVICE HAS GONE TO SCHITT!!
A man goes
into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.
The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, \"Single, huh?\" Sarcastically the guy sneers, \"Maybe.
How\'d you guess?\" She replies, \"Because you\'re ugly.\"
STUD SERVICE
A tall woman met a midget at
a party.
The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks
they went back to the tall woman\'s apartment.
\"I can\'t imagine what it will be like making love to a
midget,\" said the woman, \"especially with the size difference and all.\"
\"Just take off your cloths, lie
back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes,\" said the midget.
The woman did as she was told
and soon she felt the biggest thing she\'d ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman was
screaming, and had climaxed eight times.
\"If you think that was good baby,\" said the midget with a smirk,
\"Just wait till I get my other leg in there!\"
T\'WUE WOVE...IT’S A MATCH!
It was Beth\'s first day on
the job, and we\'d never seen each other before. She was in the main archive room, high up on a ladder,
stretching as far as she could to grab hold of a particular file. At that exact moment, I came zipping around the
corner, got an unexpected eye-full from up her skirt, and in the distraction snagged my pants on some part of her
ladder. As my pants ripped wide open, the ladder jostled violently, and Beth came tumbling down with a shriek.
Things might have turned out differently if either of us had chosen to wear underwear that particular morning, but
we hadn\'t. She landed hard on top of me, apparently unhurt, but now sitting on my bare lap. Her skirt was just
enough to cover, so that anyone who might have walked in at that moment would not have seen anything, and we sat
there a moment in embarrassment and shock - then realized we were bare-crotch to bare-crotch! I could actually feel
her warm skin and pubic hair against my pecker. She could tell I was fast getting a hard-on, and at that, we laughed
wildly, became instant friends, and concluded the only decent thing to do was marry.
DANGERS OF ALCOHOL
Three
buddies go out drinking and return home very late and very drunk. The next afternoon, they get together to discuss
the trouble they were in from the previous night. The first guy says \"It was terrible, my wife said she was tired
of my nonsense and threw me out.\" The second guy says \"That\'s not so bad, my wife was so mad she chased me
out of the house with a gun!\" The third guy \"Big deal, I went home and blew chunks\" The other two said \"That
doesn\'t sound so bad.\" But he says, \"You don\'t understand, Chunks is my dog.\"
ALCOHOL MAY BE THE
KEY
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, \"5 shots?\" \"Yes\", the guy
says, \"I\'m celebrating my first blowjob.\" The bartender replies, \"hell let me buy you one!\" \"No
thanks\" the guy says, \"If 5 don\'t get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter!\"
A MONEY
SAVING HITMAN
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap
carrying a golf bag called out to them, \"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn\'t turn up.\" \"Sure,\"
they said, \"You\'re welcome.\" So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, \"What do you do for a living?\" \"I\'m a
hit man,\" was the reply. \"You\'re joking!\" was the response. \"No, I\'m not,\" he said, reaching into
his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper\'s rifle with a large telescopic sight. \"Here are my
tools.\" \"That\'s a beautiful telescopic sight,\" said the other friend, \"Can I take a look? I think I might
be able to see my house from here.\" So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. \"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see
my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she\'s naked! What\'s that?... Wait a minute, that\'s my neighbor in
there with her. He\'s naked as well! ...That bitch!\" He turned to the hitman, \"How much do you charge for a
hit?\" \"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.\" \"Can you do two for
me now?\" \"Sure, what do you want?\" \"First, shoot my wife, she\'s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he\'s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a
lesson.\" The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. \"Are you going to
do it or not?\" said the friend impatiently. \"Just wait a moment, be patient,\" said the hitman calmly, \"I
think I can save you a grand .....\"
Q: What goes: vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blond at a
flashing red light.
be filled with turkey that you don\'t have to chase down with a gallon of water!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
SHE DOESN’T HAVE A HEADACHE
One night, as a couple lay down
for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and
said, \"I\'m sorry honey, I\'ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\" Her
husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife
again. This time he whispered in her ear, \"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\"
A HUNTER’S
MEAL
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for
dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won\'t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn\'t tell
them.
His little boy keeps asking him, \"What\'s for dinner dad?\" \"You\'ll see\", he replies.
They’re eating dinner, and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
\"Ok\", says her dad,
\"Here\'s a hint. It\'s what your mother sometimes calls me.\"
His daughter screams...\"Don\'t eat it,
Jimmy!!...... It\'s a f#cking arsehole!!!\"
A DOCTOR’S FILE
A physician claims these are actual comments from
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. \"Take it easy, Doc, you\'re boldly going where
no man has gone before.\"
2. \"Find Amelia Earhart yet?\"
3. \"Can you hear me NOW?\"
4. \"Oh boy, that
was sphincterrific!\"
5. \"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?\"
6. \"You know, in
Arkansas, we\'re now legally married.\"
7. \"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?\"
8. \"You put your
left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....\"
9. \"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
feels!\"
10. \"If your hand doesn\'t fit, you must acquit.\"
11. \"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity.\"
12. \"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn\'t you?\"
13. \"Could you write me a note for
my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?\"
CUSTOMER SERVICE HAS GONE TO SCHITT!!
A man goes
into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.
The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, \"Single, huh?\" Sarcastically the guy sneers, \"Maybe.
How\'d you guess?\" She replies, \"Because you\'re ugly.\"
STUD SERVICE
A tall woman met a midget at
a party.
The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks
they went back to the tall woman\'s apartment.
\"I can\'t imagine what it will be like making love to a
midget,\" said the woman, \"especially with the size difference and all.\"
\"Just take off your cloths, lie
back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes,\" said the midget.
The woman did as she was told
and soon she felt the biggest thing she\'d ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman was
screaming, and had climaxed eight times.
\"If you think that was good baby,\" said the midget with a smirk,
\"Just wait till I get my other leg in there!\"
T\'WUE WOVE...IT’S A MATCH!
It was Beth\'s first day on
the job, and we\'d never seen each other before. She was in the main archive room, high up on a ladder,
stretching as far as she could to grab hold of a particular file. At that exact moment, I came zipping around the
corner, got an unexpected eye-full from up her skirt, and in the distraction snagged my pants on some part of her
ladder. As my pants ripped wide open, the ladder jostled violently, and Beth came tumbling down with a shriek.
Things might have turned out differently if either of us had chosen to wear underwear that particular morning, but
we hadn\'t. She landed hard on top of me, apparently unhurt, but now sitting on my bare lap. Her skirt was just
enough to cover, so that anyone who might have walked in at that moment would not have seen anything, and we sat
there a moment in embarrassment and shock - then realized we were bare-crotch to bare-crotch! I could actually feel
her warm skin and pubic hair against my pecker. She could tell I was fast getting a hard-on, and at that, we laughed
wildly, became instant friends, and concluded the only decent thing to do was marry.
DANGERS OF ALCOHOL
Three
buddies go out drinking and return home very late and very drunk. The next afternoon, they get together to discuss
the trouble they were in from the previous night. The first guy says \"It was terrible, my wife said she was tired
of my nonsense and threw me out.\" The second guy says \"That\'s not so bad, my wife was so mad she chased me
out of the house with a gun!\" The third guy \"Big deal, I went home and blew chunks\" The other two said \"That
doesn\'t sound so bad.\" But he says, \"You don\'t understand, Chunks is my dog.\"
ALCOHOL MAY BE THE
KEY
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, \"5 shots?\" \"Yes\", the guy
says, \"I\'m celebrating my first blowjob.\" The bartender replies, \"hell let me buy you one!\" \"No
thanks\" the guy says, \"If 5 don\'t get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter!\"
A MONEY
SAVING HITMAN
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap
carrying a golf bag called out to them, \"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn\'t turn up.\" \"Sure,\"
they said, \"You\'re welcome.\" So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, \"What do you do for a living?\" \"I\'m a
hit man,\" was the reply. \"You\'re joking!\" was the response. \"No, I\'m not,\" he said, reaching into
his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper\'s rifle with a large telescopic sight. \"Here are my
tools.\" \"That\'s a beautiful telescopic sight,\" said the other friend, \"Can I take a look? I think I might
be able to see my house from here.\" So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. \"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see
my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she\'s naked! What\'s that?... Wait a minute, that\'s my neighbor in
there with her. He\'s naked as well! ...That bitch!\" He turned to the hitman, \"How much do you charge for a
hit?\" \"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.\" \"Can you do two for
me now?\" \"Sure, what do you want?\" \"First, shoot my wife, she\'s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he\'s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a
lesson.\" The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. \"Are you going to
do it or not?\" said the friend impatiently. \"Just wait a moment, be patient,\" said the hitman calmly, \"I
think I can save you a grand .....\"
Q: What goes: vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blond at a
flashing red light.