MOBLEYC57
11-01-2003, 03:18 PM
DOCTOR KILLDARE
While
doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man\'s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he
decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
\"How\'s your sex life?\" the doctor asked. \"Pretty good,\" the man said, to the doctor\'s relief. But then
he added, \"I\'ve had some strange side effects.\" \"What\'s that?\" the doctor asked anxiously. \"Well,
every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a
hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.\"
A DOG NAMED FELLA
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing
about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose
could perform the most impressive feat.
\"Okay, Rover,\" ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a
table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped
Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
\"Hit it, Spot,\" commanded
the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of
a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from
the doctor.
\"Your turn, Fella,\" said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their
cookies, and went out to lunch.
BONDS....JAMES BONDS
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a
seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What\'s
so special about it?\" Bond explains, \" It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says,
\"What\'s it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you\'re not wearing any panties....\" The woman giggles and
replies, \"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties.\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Dammit!
The bloody thing\'s an hour fast!!\"
TOP 10 PLACES NOT TO GET A BONER
10. With your wife, visiting her
sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7.
Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled
over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your
child’’s 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of
nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a boner is....When your best friend, on a guys night
out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER
- He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He
does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST
PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not
HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE
or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does
not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is
PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT A MAN WITH BIG FEET, EH? HE NEEDS BIG SHOES!
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she\'d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it\'s true what
they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, \"Shore is, little lady. Why don\'t you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?\" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night
with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, \"Well, thankee, ma\'am. Ah\'m real
flattered. Ain\'t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.\" \"Don\'t be flattered... take the money and
buy yourself some f#cking boots that fit!!\"
KIDS
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for
his home. She read, \"And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: \'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?\" The teacher paused, then asked the class, \"And what
do you think the man said?\" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, \"I think the man
would have said: \'Well, f#ck me! A talking pig!!\'\"
SEXUAL HARASSING
A man walks up to a woman in
his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can\'t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in
Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file
a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
\"What\'s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?\" The woman replies,
\"It\'s Keith, the f#cking midget!!\"
Done wit yer coffee yet?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
While
doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man\'s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he
decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
\"How\'s your sex life?\" the doctor asked. \"Pretty good,\" the man said, to the doctor\'s relief. But then
he added, \"I\'ve had some strange side effects.\" \"What\'s that?\" the doctor asked anxiously. \"Well,
every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a
hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.\"
A DOG NAMED FELLA
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing
about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose
could perform the most impressive feat.
\"Okay, Rover,\" ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a
table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped
Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
\"Hit it, Spot,\" commanded
the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of
a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from
the doctor.
\"Your turn, Fella,\" said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their
cookies, and went out to lunch.
BONDS....JAMES BONDS
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a
seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What\'s
so special about it?\" Bond explains, \" It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says,
\"What\'s it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you\'re not wearing any panties....\" The woman giggles and
replies, \"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties.\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Dammit!
The bloody thing\'s an hour fast!!\"
TOP 10 PLACES NOT TO GET A BONER
10. With your wife, visiting her
sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7.
Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled
over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your
child’’s 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of
nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a boner is....When your best friend, on a guys night
out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER
- He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He
does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST
PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not
HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE
or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does
not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is
PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT A MAN WITH BIG FEET, EH? HE NEEDS BIG SHOES!
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she\'d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it\'s true what
they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, \"Shore is, little lady. Why don\'t you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?\" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night
with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, \"Well, thankee, ma\'am. Ah\'m real
flattered. Ain\'t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.\" \"Don\'t be flattered... take the money and
buy yourself some f#cking boots that fit!!\"
KIDS
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for
his home. She read, \"And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: \'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?\" The teacher paused, then asked the class, \"And what
do you think the man said?\" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, \"I think the man
would have said: \'Well, f#ck me! A talking pig!!\'\"
SEXUAL HARASSING
A man walks up to a woman in
his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can\'t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in
Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file
a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
\"What\'s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?\" The woman replies,
\"It\'s Keith, the f#cking midget!!\"
Done wit yer coffee yet?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif