MOBLEYC57
10-09-2003, 09:53 PM
Mornin all. Here’s a
little something to go with your coffee, and if you don’t drink coffee - milk. If you don’t drink
either....WHAT....EVER!!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
COOL COMEBACKS
1. A flight
attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, \"Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub.\"
2. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn\'t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The
stock boy replied, \"No ma\'am, they\'re dead.\"
3. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. \"I\'ve been waiting for you all day,\" the cop said. The kid
replied, \"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.\" When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
4. A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads \"low
bridge ahead.\" Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, \"Got stuck, huh?\" The truck driver says, \"No, I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas.\"
5. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow\'s final exam. \"Now
class, I won\'t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that\'s it, no other excuses
whatsoever!\" A smart-as$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, \"What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?\" The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, \"Well, I guess you\'d have to write the exam with your other hand.
6. COMEBACK OF
THE YEAR: A divorced man meets his ex-wife\'s new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes
over to the new guy and asks him: \"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?\"
To which the new husband
replied: \"It isn\'t that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it\'s all brand new.\"
EXCUSES NOT TO DO THE
NASTY
Everybody knows that no matter how much you\'re in love when you get married, at one point or another the
honeymoon is over. That\'s when the excuses start. I\'ve used them, you\'ve used them and believe it or not,
my wife has used them. Following is a top ten list of some of the best excuses to get out of having sex with your
significant other.
10. I\'d love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We\'re out of paper bags for
your head again.
8. You haven\'t shaved in so long I\'m afraid I\'d feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7.
You\'re 20 bucks short.
6. We\'re out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry,
this isn\'t a conjugal visit.
3. I can\'t tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those
pornos.
2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.
And the number 1 excuse to not have
sex:
1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don\'t like seafood.
TICKET TO HEAVEN
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it
crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of
Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
\"Gentlemen,\" the Devil started, \"Due to the
fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don\'t know or cannot answer, then you\'re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if
not, then you\'ll come with me to Hell.\"
The philosopher then stepped up, \"OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates\' teachings,\" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the
Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
\"Then, go to Hell!\" With another snap of his
finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, \"Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!\" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
\"Then, go to Hell!\" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, \"Bring me a chair!\" The
Devil brought forward a chair. \"Drill 7 holes on the seat.\" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the
chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, \"Which hole did my fart come out from?\"
The
Devil inspected the seat and said, \"The third hole from the right.\"
\"Wrong!!!,\" said the idiot,
\"it\'s from my a$shole.\" Annnnnd...the idiot went to Heaven.
GREEDY MONKEY
A guy walks into a bar with
his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he\'s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on
the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the
guy, \"Did you see what your monkey just did?\" The guy says, \"No, what?\" \"He just swallowed the cue ball
off my pool table whole!\", says the bartender.
\"Yeah, that doesn\'t surprise me,\" replied the bloke.
\"He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I\'ll pay for the cue ball and other stuff.\" He finishes his
drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he\'s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The
bartender is disgusted. \"Did you see what your monkey did now?\", he asks. \"Now what?\", responds the bloke.
\"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!\", says the barkeeper.
\"Yeah, that doesn\'t surprise me,\" replied the bloke. \"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since
he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!\"
A CHEAP GENIE AND TWO IDOTS
Two guys, of limited
intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6
days, they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to
find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped
a tired old genie who said, \"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I\'ve been doing this 3-wishes
stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I\'m burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I\'m outta here.
Make it a good one.\"
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, \"Give us all the beer we can drink for
the rest of our lives!\"
\"Fine,\" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
\"Great move, Einstein\", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head.
\"Now
we\'re gonna have to piss in the boat.\"
THE DEATH OF A DIRTY OLD MAN
One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges
of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. \"Well, your honor,\" she began coolly,
\"I figured that at 92, if he could f#ck, he could fly!!\"
SILLY WABBIT!
A little rabbit is happily running
through the forest when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, \"Giraffe, my
friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. You’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!\" The
giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across
an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, \"Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. You’ll see, you’’ll feel so good!\" The elephant looks at
them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The
three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. \"Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!\" The lion looks at him, puts down
his needle and starts to beat the living sh!t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror,
they look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!\" The lion answers,
\"That little f#cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!\"
THOSE
ANIMALS SOUNDS
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals
made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds. \"Who knows what sound a cow
makes?\" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, \"Mooooo!\" \"Very good,\" replied the teacher. \"What
sound do sheep make?\" \"Baaaa,\" answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, \"What sound
does a pig make?\" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone
at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, \"Up against the wall, mutha-f#cka!!!!\"
DOING THE NASTY
My story: We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm
breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race
know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic
scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to
a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her
pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the
tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she
approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself
blowing it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I
could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too
quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun
melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long
and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then
whispered, \"Baaaaaaaaaaa Baaaaaaaa,\" and rejoined the flock.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif
Hope yer have a lovvvvvely Friday!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif
little something to go with your coffee, and if you don’t drink coffee - milk. If you don’t drink
either....WHAT....EVER!!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
COOL COMEBACKS
1. A flight
attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, \"Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub.\"
2. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn\'t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The
stock boy replied, \"No ma\'am, they\'re dead.\"
3. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. \"I\'ve been waiting for you all day,\" the cop said. The kid
replied, \"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.\" When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
4. A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads \"low
bridge ahead.\" Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, \"Got stuck, huh?\" The truck driver says, \"No, I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas.\"
5. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow\'s final exam. \"Now
class, I won\'t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that\'s it, no other excuses
whatsoever!\" A smart-as$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, \"What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?\" The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, \"Well, I guess you\'d have to write the exam with your other hand.
6. COMEBACK OF
THE YEAR: A divorced man meets his ex-wife\'s new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes
over to the new guy and asks him: \"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?\"
To which the new husband
replied: \"It isn\'t that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it\'s all brand new.\"
EXCUSES NOT TO DO THE
NASTY
Everybody knows that no matter how much you\'re in love when you get married, at one point or another the
honeymoon is over. That\'s when the excuses start. I\'ve used them, you\'ve used them and believe it or not,
my wife has used them. Following is a top ten list of some of the best excuses to get out of having sex with your
significant other.
10. I\'d love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We\'re out of paper bags for
your head again.
8. You haven\'t shaved in so long I\'m afraid I\'d feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7.
You\'re 20 bucks short.
6. We\'re out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry,
this isn\'t a conjugal visit.
3. I can\'t tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those
pornos.
2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.
And the number 1 excuse to not have
sex:
1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don\'t like seafood.
TICKET TO HEAVEN
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it
crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of
Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
\"Gentlemen,\" the Devil started, \"Due to the
fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don\'t know or cannot answer, then you\'re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if
not, then you\'ll come with me to Hell.\"
The philosopher then stepped up, \"OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates\' teachings,\" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the
Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
\"Then, go to Hell!\" With another snap of his
finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, \"Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!\" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
\"Then, go to Hell!\" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, \"Bring me a chair!\" The
Devil brought forward a chair. \"Drill 7 holes on the seat.\" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the
chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, \"Which hole did my fart come out from?\"
The
Devil inspected the seat and said, \"The third hole from the right.\"
\"Wrong!!!,\" said the idiot,
\"it\'s from my a$shole.\" Annnnnd...the idiot went to Heaven.
GREEDY MONKEY
A guy walks into a bar with
his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he\'s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on
the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the
guy, \"Did you see what your monkey just did?\" The guy says, \"No, what?\" \"He just swallowed the cue ball
off my pool table whole!\", says the bartender.
\"Yeah, that doesn\'t surprise me,\" replied the bloke.
\"He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I\'ll pay for the cue ball and other stuff.\" He finishes his
drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he\'s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The
bartender is disgusted. \"Did you see what your monkey did now?\", he asks. \"Now what?\", responds the bloke.
\"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!\", says the barkeeper.
\"Yeah, that doesn\'t surprise me,\" replied the bloke. \"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since
he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!\"
A CHEAP GENIE AND TWO IDOTS
Two guys, of limited
intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6
days, they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to
find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped
a tired old genie who said, \"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I\'ve been doing this 3-wishes
stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I\'m burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I\'m outta here.
Make it a good one.\"
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, \"Give us all the beer we can drink for
the rest of our lives!\"
\"Fine,\" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
\"Great move, Einstein\", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head.
\"Now
we\'re gonna have to piss in the boat.\"
THE DEATH OF A DIRTY OLD MAN
One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges
of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. \"Well, your honor,\" she began coolly,
\"I figured that at 92, if he could f#ck, he could fly!!\"
SILLY WABBIT!
A little rabbit is happily running
through the forest when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, \"Giraffe, my
friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. You’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!\" The
giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across
an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, \"Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. You’ll see, you’’ll feel so good!\" The elephant looks at
them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The
three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. \"Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!\" The lion looks at him, puts down
his needle and starts to beat the living sh!t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror,
they look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!\" The lion answers,
\"That little f#cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!\"
THOSE
ANIMALS SOUNDS
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals
made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds. \"Who knows what sound a cow
makes?\" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, \"Mooooo!\" \"Very good,\" replied the teacher. \"What
sound do sheep make?\" \"Baaaa,\" answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, \"What sound
does a pig make?\" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone
at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, \"Up against the wall, mutha-f#cka!!!!\"
DOING THE NASTY
My story: We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm
breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race
know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic
scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to
a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her
pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the
tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she
approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself
blowing it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I
could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too
quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun
melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long
and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then
whispered, \"Baaaaaaaaaaa Baaaaaaaa,\" and rejoined the flock.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif
Hope yer have a lovvvvvely Friday!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif