Why do women do this?

[proteus]

I have a question that I don\'t know whether anyone could answer as it puzzles me. I\'ve been LJBF\'ed 3-4 times over the years, and in three of those cases I agreed to \"just be friends\". In all cases the ladies involved were
seeing other guys for a portion of our friendship - yet in every case the moment I began dating and got myself a gf, they would have nothing to do with me (and this would be even after being \"friends\" for over a year).

It didn\'t bother me too much, but it just seems peculiar and because this has happened fairly recently *again* it seems, I\'m wondering, what explains this behavior?

[CJ01]

Dunno, did you ever ask them? Maybe they reckoned that your gf would get jealous if they still hung out with you and didn´t want to risk it for your sake? Just one possibility I guess.

[oscar]

proteus,

The answer to your question seemed to jump right out at me.

A smart employer always has someone to step into every crucial position should the person in that position leave the company, or become incapacitated.

All professional sports coaches have at least one backup player for every position on the team.

Why else would your finding a girlfriend suddenly make you ineligible as a \"friend\", other than the fact that your \"friend\" had always known that your interest could easily be taken beyond the bounds of mere friendship, and thus felt more secure having a backup boyfriend waiting on deck. Odds are you were never really considered a friend so much as \"bench depth\".

Sometimes \"Let\'s just be friends\" could more honestly and accurately be stated, \"Let me just park you out in the back lot in case my preferred ride breaks down.\"

Sad, but true. This makes a genuine LJBF sentiment seem NOBLE by comparison.


Oscar /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[CJ01]

Dunno, I only know that if I offer my friendship to someone, I mean it - male or female.

Things can change all the time, rows, not keeping in touch enough...but you´ll never know until you try to find out.



Besides what´s wrong with being friends anyway? What´s wrong with NOT screwing someone of the opposite sex? It´s mostly men who complain about this btw, and I don´t want to be sexist or anything - where is the bloody problem?

[franki]

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Besides what´s wrong with being friends anyway? What´s wrong with NOT screwing someone of the opposite sex? It´s mostly men who complain about this btw, and I don´t want to be sexist or anything - where is the bloody problem?



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

That seems pretty simple: They want to screw that girl.

[proteus]

What you said makes sense Oscar, and I\'d considered this for a moment. But then I thought, if I was supportive of her in her new relationship and didn\'t suddenly discard the friendship when she began seeing someone (and I was the one who accepted her LJBF even though I was interested in being more than friends}, then you\'d think she\'d be equally supportive and not suddenly cut off all contact. Logically what you said makes sense but it\'s still confusing to me as they did say they had no romantic/sexual interest and I\'m positive would never have dated me even if they were single again, so why would they get upset.

As for what you said CJ01, I never got the chance to ask as in all cases they just wouldn\'t talk after this, almost like I\'d cheated on them - and yet no rows prior to my telling them I was now dating someone. Perhaps this backs up what Oscar says - I guess they were never really my \"friends\".


</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
proteus,

The answer to your question seemed to jump right out at me.

A smart employer always has someone to step into every crucial position should the person in that position leave the company, or become incapacitated.

All professional sports coaches have at least one backup player for every position on the team.

Why else would your finding a girlfriend suddenly make you ineligible as a \"friend\", other than the fact that your \"friend\" had always known that your interest could easily be taken beyond the bounds of mere friendship, and thus felt more secure having a backup boyfriend waiting on deck. Odds are you were never really considered a friend so much as \"bench depth\".

Sometimes \"Let\'s just be friends\" could more honestly and accurately be stated, \"Let me just park you out in the back lot in case my preferred ride breaks down.\"

Sad, but true. This makes a genuine LJBF sentiment seem NOBLE by comparison.


Oscar /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif



<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

[CptKipling]

I\'m with Oscar on this one.

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
But then I thought, if I was supportive of her in her new relationship and didn\'t suddenly discard the friendship when she began seeing someone (and I was the one who accepted her LJBF even though I was interested in being more than friends}, then you\'d think she\'d be equally supportive and not suddenly cut off all contact.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

The thing is, you being supportive to her relationship is completely different (in her eyes) to her being supportive of your relationship. In her eyes, when you support her relationship, you are still giving her attention, and therefore still a viable backup boyfriend.

Sucky I know, I\'ve had this aswell.

Some women LOVE (if not need) to know they have men romantically interested in them all the time, and when your with someone else, you cant have this interest. And yes, this does still apply if they would never consider going out with you ever again.

[krtel]

I also agree with Oscar\'s suggestion. A real friend wouldn\'t bail on you like that. She was using you as a \"spare tire\". So, don\'t feel bad that she doesen\'t talk to you anymore - consider it a good thing.

Krish

[Whitehall]

The women are just banking you. It makes them feel secure that they have someone on call. Plus, your continued interest is flattering and an ego boast.

Personally, when this happens to me, I just give them a little attention but certainly no pursuit. After all, the odds of getting a booty call are often worth the low level effort you expend on her. Besides, a little socializing doesn\'t hurt, even if you don\'t get laid - a network of good references is a good thing to have so above all, remain a gentleman.

When she sees that you\'re now involved, most women give up and move on. Let them.

[DaVinciKittie]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
But then I thought, if I was supportive of her in her new relationship and didn\'t suddenly discard the friendship when she began seeing someone (and I was the one who accepted her LJBF even though I was interested in being more than friends}, then you\'d think she\'d be equally supportive and not suddenly cut off all contact.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Oscar definitely takes the prize on this one- here\'s another vote. Let me add another angle though. It\'s been stated already that some women like to have men romantically interested in them all the time, as a \"backup\" of sorts. I\'ve been dealing with this lately (new SO), so here\'s my thoughts...

It\'s a compliment when a man is interested in a woman, and I imagine it\'s probably the same the other way around too. The more men a woman like that has interested in her, the better it makes her feel- a validation, of sorts, that serves to replace the self-confidence and -worth she lacks. Therefore, it follows that when said guy takes a SO, Needy Woman has lost his admiration, and that\'s a blow to the ego and the pride. That\'s why she gets hurt and/or defensive and/or angry. Some women really do mean LJBF when they say it, but not all, and it gives us a bad rap. The situation with me right now is that two of SO\'s exes are reacting badly to us getting together- one got angry and bitter and is giving him hell (roommate), and the other was hurt and confused and somewhat depressed. Both of them have self-worth/confidence issues, and I think that\'s where it stems from.

Anyway, just my $0.02 /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[CJ01]

Just proves to me again that men and women aren´t as different as many (like to) believe at all.
CJ

[ScoobyDoo]

If you\'ve ever seen \"Bring The Pain\" by Chris Rock, he mentions that platonic friends to a woman is like \"Having a d**k in a glass case.\" In this instance, she replaced yours with someone else\'s...