How do I know if it's love?

[xxxPantero]

Hey all, I needed to ask your wisdom.

I have been with my current girlfriend for about 1 yr and 5 months, off an on once in a while (for a day or two, during which i confess i spied on her and yes, she stayed home).

She\'s had 3 other sexual relationships (so i guess it was semi-seious for her) before and swears she is ready to settle down with me and have 2.3 kids and a dog.

I met her and I was a virgin (although now she thinks otherwise, because recently I told her that I had sex once before I met her - and she was happy for some reason - maybe that I wouldn\'t be so pathetic, maybe?), and I\'ve cheated on her twice with two other women (one 23, one 15)

We started out very obsessed, and we still have some of that. But lately I have closed myself off, largely due to resentments. For about 8-9 months we\'ve had problems with each other. She wouldn\'t feel anything when she kissed me, wouldn\'t feel happy to see me, etc. But because we are obsessed, she stayed with me. The last month things have picked up and we\'ve had good times, and we\'ve played around sexually, and she even said \"I like your style/technique\" and has suggested a joint account, promised not to talk to any of her exes, and rip up all her old pictures, except maybe the one of her first boyfriend. Now, being that I had begged her for a while to do this, I figured she wasnt\' going to do it, and so instead closed off and said \"keep your f.ucking memories then\". So when she offered, I said no. Ironic, huh?

Anyway, my question is this:

Although she may or may not love me, the first question I have to answer myself is do I love her? I\'ve never had any other relationships, and I don\'t want to break it off to experiment, only to discover that it was love. My only alternative, it seems, is to \"play the field\" (and not just for sex) and compare. I think that\'s a bit f.ucked up, but I don\'t know what else to do.

Can anybody help me?

Am I in love? Is there a way of finding out? Or is the fact that I\'m asking at all a sign that I\'m not? Please, help me, I don\'t want to settle, but I don\'t want to miss out.

[Watcher]

Love for women is different from love for men. ? i would ask, is she in love with you.
What is love anyway ? sometimes its an illusion.

[bundyburger]

It doesn\'t sound at all like \" in love \" to me. You asked for opinions and that\'s mine. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

\"Please, help me, I don\'t want to settle, but I don\'t want to miss out.\"

Don\'t want to settle? You aren\'t ready and you KNOW it. Why fight that??? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
What if you forced yourself to stick to this person and you \"MISS OUT\" on the REAL one??? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

Look at how many people don\'t settle until they\'re thirty and older!!
Nineteen?! Don\'t stress, you\'re NOT going to miss out. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Maybe the both of you have a lot in common but aren\'t genetically suited to each other. ???? ...sorry I\'m totally guessing there. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[bivonic]

I agree with Bundy, trust me you won\'t miss out on anything, you have 80% of your life still to live, waiting another 4-5 years while it may seem like forever to you right now is only a drop in the bucket. I\'d recommend if you have serious reservations then tell her you want to take a break & see other people, maybe take the summer off. You\'d be surprised how that can strengthen a relationship by taking time off if there is a love connection then you both will know it. If you do not think you\'d be ok seeing other girls or her seeing other guys then reassess your situation. Just don\'t feel pressured to take it to the next level.

[Elana]

Agreeing with Bundy and Bivonic

[bundyburger]

Another thing that should be said is you will be doing both you AND your girlfriend a favour by relaxing and holding back here.

[seadove]

When you start arguing with her about \"nothing\" that\'s love.

Did you get to this point yet?

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[Goddess]

Seadove - you crack me up!

Pantero - if its love, the whole world revolves around the two of you together. Doesn\'t sound like it\'s happening here. If you\'re even questioning whether it is or isn\'t true love...it isn\'t!

Yeah, I may be a little cynical, but I\'ve been there and done that. It\'s just easier not to bleed your heart out. And listen to advice (like I didn\'t do.)

Best wishes for a great life ahead - and it\'s there for you, you just need to go out and look for it. Nothing good ever just finds you, you need to find it!

Goddess

[MOBLEYC57]

If she\'s the first thing on your mind when you awake, the last thing on your mind before you start cutting Zs, annnnnd it\'s still that way after 6 months! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

She makes you smile by just seeing her, after:

you get an eviction notice.
your lights got cut off because you didn\'t pay your bill.
your car just got repossessed.

If she does....tis twue luvvvvvvvvvv! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[EXIT63]

Generally, I just feel nausea.

[xxxPantero]

thanks for your responses everybody...

no, we\'re not planning on getting hitched anytime soon...
and yes, sometimes we do argue about nothing...


the thing is, sometimes i smile after my whole day is [bad word] and she calls me, sometimes i could care less... thanks anyway guys

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I think you\'re asking the wrong question. It doesn\'t really matter if it\'s love or not. The question is, do you want to spend 24/7 with her. If the answer is no, then don\'t get married. If the answer is no, then you should see other people, as you have, when you\'ve felt like it. How much in love with her were you when you were f*cking the 23 year old and the whoever the other girl was? No reproach, just asking you to be straight with yourself.


It\'s habit. That\'s my read. And my advice would be not to sweat. As often as you genuinely want to see her, see her. If you don\'t want to, then don\'t. It can vary from day to day and that\'s all right. I say just act on your true feelings, whatever they are, even if they\'re different from one day to the next, and let the chips fall where they may.

There is no such thing as escaping your fate. That\'s why it\'s your fate. Get it? so that if she is your \"true love,\" assuming there is such a thing, then you will be together in the end whether you take a break from each other, date other people, whatever. If she isn\'t, then you won\'t. These things have a way of taking care of themselves over time.


Just stay in the moment and try not to make decisions based on insecurities. I say that because the root of your question seems to involve what if you miss the love of your life (and therefore end up all alone). First off, you won\'t miss the love of your life, because she\'s the love of your life. And if you don\'t get a love of your life this time around, life is still good and there are still lots of women to enjoy.

Just try to stay in the moment if you can, and trust that everything is happening just the way it\'s supposed to.

[xxxPantero]

hey thanks.

and as far as the times i\'ve cheated - they both sucked because she\'s always in the back of my head - for better or worse, and at that time, i loved her and hated her at the same time

the main reasons i cheated were out of a) curiosity and b) to get back at her in my mind for having exes

now is that f.ucked up or what?

okay, it seems that i\'m going to have to do this:

start up another relationship and continue doing this until i am sure she is or she is not the one.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

The curiosity thing is not fukked up at all - that\'s natural and good.

But spiting her because she had exes is fukked up.

Pantero, you don\'t love her. You love who you wish she was. She\'s not that person. You wish she was a virgin when you met her. She wasn\'t. You wish she had never even had a boyfriend before you met her. She did.

This thing you\'re calling love is about control. You\'ve spied on her. You want to eradicate her past, tear up pictures of people that had a place in her life and meant something to her. You want there only to be you and only to have ever been you.

Look, she can\'t go back. I think you will always feel like punishing her for not having been a virgin, and there\'s no way she can win. And I think the reason it upsets you so much that she\'s had other lovers is because she won\'t tell you that you\'re the best she\'s ever had. She\'s openly critical of you in bed and it\'s eating you up that you can\'t make her completely submit to you and tell you you\'re the man. You\'re competing with the other guys using her body for a battle ground.

The love/hate thing, man don\'t I know it. I promise you that\'s not a good kind of love for long term. Feels like being in jail sometimes, right? That\'s not the good love. The good love makes you feel free. The good love would be that you\'re happy that she was happy with other people before you and you like her just the way she is, past and all, like, you could sit on the couch with her and look at her old pictures with her and smile, and talk to her about her old boyfriends, and have good conversations about what happened between the two of them, how did they meet, what was their relationship like, how did they break up, etc. -- you could take a friendly interest in her life before you, boyfriends included. The good love would be that you don\'t always feel like you have to compete with her previous lovers. And that you don\'t feel a need to spy on her.


Maybe try to think through some of the control issues before you get involved in another relationship. And I think it would do you good to have sex with more people and get your sexual confidence more solid. And maybe get with a partner who for one, knows herself better, and for two, has a little more tact. A lot of the stuff she complains about in bed between the two of you is about her, it\'s not about you. I remember your posts about it very clearly.

[xxxPantero]

Actually, I don\'t wish she was a virgin before she met me, because I know she\'d be curious,too. I\'m just envious that she had a good time with them.

\"This thing you\'re calling love is about control. You\'ve spied on her. You want to eradicate her past, tear up pictures of people that had a place in her life and meant something to her. You want there only to be you and only to have ever been you.\"

yes, that\'s true. the thing is, her and i are the same way about those kinds of things.

\"Look, she can\'t go back. I think you will always feel like punishing her for not having been a virgin, and there\'s no way she can win. And I think the reason it upsets you so much that she\'s had other lovers is because she won\'t tell you that you\'re the best she\'s ever had. She\'s openly critical of you in bed and it\'s eating you up that you can\'t make her completely submit to you and tell you you\'re the man. You\'re competing with the other guys using her body for a battle ground.\"

Actually, she has told me i\'m the best she ever had (even before i asked her), but she has also told me the times when i didn\'t measure up. she is truthful with the bad and the good. my only problem is that i always doubt the good and exaggerate the bad. I\'m the type that can\'t take a joke and doubts compliments.

\"The love/hate thing, man don\'t I know it. I promise you that\'s not a good kind of love for long term. Feels like being in jail sometimes, right? That\'s not the good love. The good love makes you feel free. The good love would be that you\'re happy that she was happy with other people before you and you like her just the way she is, past and all, like, you could sit on the couch with her and look at her old pictures with her and smile, and talk to her about her old boyfriends, and have good conversations about what happened between the two of them, how did they meet, what was their relationship like, how did they break up, etc. -- you could take a friendly interest in her life before you, boyfriends included. The good love would be that you don\'t always feel like you have to compete with her previous lovers. And that you don\'t feel a need to spy on her. \"

Actually, i did talk to her about all of that. I know all about her relationships, and i still remember half the the things she\'s forgotten. that\'s why when i get insecure, all the details eat me up, and i know a LOT of details - how thier interaction was, how they met, how and why they broke up, and all about the sex. she\'s past hating them, she doesn\'t even care about them, except as people. the problem here is me.

\"Maybe try to think through some of the control issues before you get involved in another relationship. And I think it would do you good to have sex with more people and get your sexual confidence more solid. And maybe get with a partner who for one, knows herself better, and for two, has a little more tact. A lot of the stuff she complains about in bed between the two of you is about her, it\'s not about you. I remember your posts about it very clearly. \"

yes, i have no sexual confidence. even when she HAS complimented me, i\'ve felt like she was lying. but, being a blunt person, she doesn\'t lie - for better or worse.

for the record: i am not the world\'s greatest lover yet, but she assures me i\'m the best she ever had. part of me believes this since she doesn\'t assure me when i need to hear a comforting white lie. and the rare times when she does slip, she tells me the day after.

and what do you think about this?
when i DO ask her if i am her best, she says \"yes, because i love you\"
she tells me that physically it\'s all the same, but it\'s more intense because of the emotion - any replies to this, FTR?

[Cloud9]

Quote from the bible about love for others:

Love Is Patient, Love is Kind

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

--1 Corinthians 13:4

[MOBLEYC57]

How do you know if it\'s love? When you\'re looking in her eys 50 years from now, and she still makes you smile without saying a word. That\'s my final answer, and I\'m sticking with it! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Violins, teddy bears, walks on the beach holding handsies...

[MOBLEYC57]

And they start crying once they spot Mobley and FTR happily cuddling in the sand, and lip dancing. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Awwh baby! You\'re not feeling good today. Come on!!! Who\'s your buddy, who\'s your pal? Say it FTR! \"You are Mobley!\" You can say that again!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Mobley, I\'m a nasty girl.

You definitely would not want anything to do with me.

So cut it out.

Go talk to some goody two shoes and leave me be.

[MOBLEYC57]

That\'s it FTR! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mad.gif Sure I\'d want something to do with you...I\'d be happy to have you as me friend. You\'re stuck with me, so get over it! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[CJ01]

Pantero, you´re asking if you´re in love this girl?
You´re not in love. If you loved her you would know. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif CJ