Love Problems

[Andy]

After a long time of beeing a convinced single I felt in love about 8 months ago again. I started to believe in love again and this feeling was much more intense than ever in my whole life. I\'ve been together with this very special person for 5 Months now. I knew it wouldn\'t be easy, because she had depression problems and I had still problems with my past. We\'ve been like medicine for each other and things developed well though this was a long distance relationship (500km, but I am really mobile and we have seen each other a lot). She broke up out of sudden yesterday though I had to promise her the day before that I\'d never left her. I\'ve been completely clueless and had no idea why this happened. Her best friend told me that she loves me more than anything else and is broken down herself. She just told me it would be better this way ?!?!

[Elana]

I am so sorry, Andy.

[Bruce]

Andy,
I wouldn\'t give up so easily. You mentioned that she has been battling with depression. Her girlfriend says she loves you. Looks to me like she could be playing some sort of destructive game. Of course you don\'t want to spend the rest of your life persuing someone who is always taking off on you, but you might want to have a talk with her before giving up on love. I think there is good reason for hope.
Bruce

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Me, too, so sorry to hear this.

Here\'s my guess about what happened: she terrified herself when she gave in to the need to hear you say you\'d never leave her. And she decided once she realized how dependent on you she felt, that she was going to have to trust you. And she decided against it because she felt like she did not have the resources anymore to deal with it if you couldn\'t come through for her. She realized it had become a high stakes game and she felt she couldn\'t afford the gamble.

What that says about how to proceed, I don\'t know. But I don\'t think she suddenly decided she didn\'t love you. I think she suddenly realized how much she did and decided she couldn\'t do it.

[Andy]

I had her on the phone and she is really broken. She can\'t let me go like I can\'t let her go. She begged me to give her some time and take care of me and that it would be her end in case something would happen to me. I am lost in my own emotions.

[MOBLEYC57]

Andy - Since when have you ever known two people so in love being apart, or wanting to be apart, or needing to be apart? PERIOD. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ooo.gif

[Andy]

Sorry ... but I just don\'t understand your Question ....

Update:

She couldn\'t stand it anymore, just like me and I\'ll get to her tomorrow. No matter what will happen, I am so glad that I can hold her in my arms again and talk to her. This is the first wife I ever considered to marry and have children with. What happened was a plain shock, but the phone call relieved my pain. I never had feelings like this for any person before. I thought I knew what love is, I knew nothing, this is so different .... can\'t explain it. It is like our souls are tied together, whenever one of us get\'s ill the other has the same symptoms without knowing why, but as soon as we call each other it becomes clear. She had an headache ... me too, I had problems with my back and she complained to have the same feelings before she knew what was up on my side. Sometimes we even answer questions the other hasn\'t already asked .... weird stuff ... and we click so well ... by all means ... and the sex ...... *sigh* .. I don\'t know whether I would have the power to continue my old life after I learned what love means .... and I strongly believe that 99,9% of the people don\'t know what this little word we are using so often means.

Bruce ... would you please change the Topic to something different, delete the last two sentences of my first post and this one as well ? It just doesn\'t fit anymore, but I want to keep this topic ....

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Are you the first two to ever really be in real love? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

So happy things worked out.

[Andy]

I thought I knew what love means before, but I\'ve been wrong ... all this years.

[MOBLEYC57]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Sorry ... but I just don\'t understand your Question ....

She couldn\'t stand it anymore, just like me and I\'ll get to her tomorrow.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

You didn\'t understand my question, but \"She couldn\'t stand it anymore, just like me and I\'ll get to her tomorrow\" is exactly what I was talking about. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif When you love somebody...there\'s no such thing as needing/wanting space, or time alone. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif Glad your world is back to spinning again. An ugly feeling wasn\'t it? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

[franki]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />


Bruce ... would you please change the Topic to something different, delete the last two sentences of my first post and this one as well ? It just doesn\'t fit anymore, but I want to keep this topic ....

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Andy, I deleted that sentence in your first post and changed the title of this topic.

Franki /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[seadove]

Song for Andy :

Can\'t buy me love, love
Can\'t buy me love

I\'ll buy you a diamond ring my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I\'ll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right
\'Cause I don\'t care too much for money
For money can\'t buy me love

I\'ll give you all I\'ve got to give
If you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give
but what I\'ve got I\'ll give to you
For I don\'t care too much for money
For money can\'t buy me love

Can\'t buy me love
Everybody tells me so
Can\'t buy me love
No, no ,no, no

Say you don\'t need no diamond ring
And I\'ll be satisfied
Tell me that you want those kind of things
that money just can\'t buy
For I don\'t care too much for money
For money can\'t buy me love

Can\'t buy me love
Everybody tells me so
Can\'t buy me love
No, no ,no, no

Say you don\'t need no diamond ring
And I\'ll be satisfied
Tell me that you want those kind of things
that money just can\'t buy
For I don\'t care too much for money
For money can\'t buy me love
Ooh, can\'t buy me love, love
Can\'t buy me love, no

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Andy]

Thanks Dove, Bruce, ftr, Elana, Mobley, Franky.

I just have to wait a few more hours till I can board my car and drive to her. I hope I don\'t crash on the way, that\'s the bad side of a car that\'s able to drive quicker than your guardian angel is able to fly /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif.

Just wish me luck .....

Ahhh FTR ... I am still blushing because of your pm ... gawd.

[MadDoctor]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
It is like our souls are tied together... Sometimes we even answer questions the other hasn\'t already asked .... weird stuff ... and we click so well ... by all means ... and the sex ...... *sigh* .. I don\'t know whether I would have the power to continue my old life after I learned what love means .... and I strongly believe that 99,9% of the people don\'t know what this little word we are using so often means.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

I agree with you completely. Of course this means that you are one of the lucky 0.1%, so make it work! I\'m one of the lucky 0.1% also, but I had a little bit of a hard time adjusting just as she may be doing. We were together for some months, and she asked me why I hadn\'t proposed to her. The reason was that I thought that she could do better than me, and that I didn\'t dare dream that we would always be together. She straightened me out on that in a hurry, and I proposed on the spot. That was 8 years ago, and I\'ve never regretted it for an instant. We still answer each other before the question can be asked, now more than ever.

It may be that she is feeling similarly, that she feels like her depression or some other of her traits might make her in some way less than ideal for you, that she cannot believe that she is worthy of so much happiness. If that is the case, your job will be easy, because she\'ll want to be talked out of it anyway. Let her know that she\'s wrong! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Andy]

You are right, she mentioned that she didn\'t deserve me more than once. She\'s trapped inside a cocoon now and I hope I can free her and make her believe that she\'s wrong.

[proteus]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
You are right, she mentioned that she didn\'t deserve me more than once. She\'s trapped inside a cocoon now and I hope I can free her and make her believe that she\'s wrong.

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

Good luck! Women are impossible to figure out and will throw you for a curve when you least expect it. After one of my ex gf\'s (the only one I ever truly loved) broke things off I promised myself never to let a woman get that close to me again as it took me at least 2 yrs. to get over her. Hope things work out for you as I know what it means to lose someone you really care about.

[Andy]

This would mean that I\'d have to continue my old life .. fling here, ONS there, etc. That\'s something I just can\'t do anymore because I\'ve found something that special. No matter how cautious you will walk in that case, you\'ll break glass left and right, not because you stepped on it, but because it rolled in your way. I don\'t want to hurt anybody, never did, but it\'s impossible to prevent it. I love sex too much to stay abstinent, but I reap more benefit of \"her\" pleasure than of mine. That\'s quite tricky because it will leave a deep impression (at least that\'s what I experienced in the past) and maybe love that might not be reflected.

[Andy]

Ok ... It\'s time .... wish me luck.

Too bad I don\'t have any A1, I think I\'ll have to bet on soe this time and my new secret weapon. I spiked some Aqua di Gio with one tiny drop of 10 year aged indonesian patchouli. I had two hits while washing my car just a few minutes ago. Really strange ......

[Andy]

I am back, but the visit left a bitter taste. We had a really wonderfull night together but she\'s still convinced that I am better off without her /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif. She begged me to leave and I left her while she was standing at the door with tears in her eyes and short before I got in my car I heared her scream and cry. I ran back and knocked at the door ... but she didn\'t open anymore. I called her later and she\'s still alive at least. I feel so .....

[Elana]

It doesn\'t seem like this story is going to have a happy ending with the two of you running off into the sunset together. If you stick around, you will probably be taken for the wildest rollercoaster ride of your life. Some days you will feel like you are on top of the world when she calls to tell you how much she loves you and wants to be with you. The next day you will feel like your world has come crashing down on you when she tells you she wants to break up again. Ultimately, this situation is out of your hands. The only thing that you have 100% control over is what you choose to do. Are you going stick around through her mood swings and get your heart trampled on, or are you going to realize that you need to walk away?

Andy, I\'ve been there. It is pure hell. I really am sorry that you have to go through such pain.

You are a gorgeous, intelligent man. Any woman would be lucky to have your heart.

[MadDoctor]

Sorry to hear that your visit turned out a mixed bag. I won\'t make any suggestion how to proceed, since I really know almost nothing about the situation, or about you two as people. I don\'t necessarily share Elana\'s pessimism though, since my wife\'s been taking antidepressants since she was in her early teens, but between a little Wellbutrin and a lot of affection, ahe hasn\'t been significantly depressed in the 7.5 years we\'ve been together. It\'s not insurmountable.

I\'m sure that your story will have a happy ending, whether or not it\'s one you expected. Once you know what love is really like, you are, as you said, permanently changed, there\'s no going back. You will always know exactly what you want, which is, I think, the biggest stumbling block that people face. If things don\'t work out happily with her, you will have a much easier time finding someone who is perfect for you. In my case, I didn\'t know exactly what I wanted until I was in my mid 30s, but once I did, I found her almost immediately... and it was worth the wait.

[MOBLEYC57]

What Elana said...minus the gorgeous man bit! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif I wouldn\'t know. BUT it\'s hard sometimes to walk away when your heart\'s in it El. I wore those trample on shoes for almost a year, and I\'m here to tell ya! Never again! I hope! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif I can only say this...when enough becomes enough...he will draw the line. Everyone does....well, mostly everyone.

[Andy]

I knew that it won\'t be easy from the very beginning, because she has major depressions from time to time. We\'ve already been gone through this over and over, I didn\'t care because I know what a wonderfull person she might be and I am usually strong enough to handle the situation. She stopped me from helping her this time by blocking every contact. I think I pushed things too much and she had no choice (in her messed up mind) but to break up. I fear that she hurts herself. I don\'t fear beeing alone, because I don\'t need to be alone, it\'s my choice. That\'s what makes things different ... I am not with her because I need somebody to have sex with ... I think what we have (as long as she is herself) is this mysterious thing you\'ll only find once in your life ... true love ... *sigh*

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Andy, gorgeous Andy, I\'m raising my hand and waving it at you, smiling. You will have it again. Those things come around once every few years. It will be different but you will think once again, this is really love, this is what it\'s supposed to be - with the other ones, I just thought it was. The truth is, it all is, and it seems to appear and reappear but really it\'s always there, it just comes to you when it will. But it will come.

I have learned this: if someone tells you they are not good enough for you, accept their opinion and move on. Because here is the reason: they will move heaven and earth to prove to you that what they said is true. They will move heaven and earth to prove to you that they are not good enough for you.

Now I know that it is a noble ideal to be steadfast in the face of difficulty and I admire it more than anything. But it comes a time with some people that it\'s either you or them - they\'re going to drag you down with them. And then you have to decide whether to sacrifice yourself to their problems, or whether you would prefer to live.


I know this in my life that as soon as I hear \"I am not good enough for you\" to cut my losses.

People will say this is draconian and maybe it is and maybe I\'m wrong but I am just saying what has been true for me.

[xxxPantero]

f.uck it...

in his case, i\'d still stick around. and yes, i\'m stupid.

[Elana]

Great post, FTR

[seadove]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
I have learned this: if someone tells you they are not good enough for you, accept their opinion and move on

<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

I have learned this : It also means \"Go away, you\'re ugly!\" /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Sorry Andy, it was so tempting, I couldn\'t resist. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif

[Andy]

Yup ... that\'s it ... I am just too ugly but a bombshell between the cushions /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif, that\'s why she lets me fugg her but not be with her .... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Hehe ... so that\'s why you are called seadove, because you shyt on people\'s heads when they least expect it /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif.

Looks like her depressions are getting better .. I know why I am trying to cure everything with sex /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif. Giving up so easily isn\'t like me FTR. I\'d have to betray myself to sneak out like a little weasel and this is a price I am not willing to pay, I\'d rather suffer enormous pain (like I did). I\'ll give her some time and see how things will develop.
I just need a yellow shirt and green pants to be mistaken as a traffic light ladies. Please stop making me blush that way all the time /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif.

[seadove]

</font><blockquote><font class=\"small\">Quote:</font><hr />
Hehe ... so that\'s why you are called seadove, because you shyt on people\'s heads when they least expect it .


<hr /></blockquote><font class=\"post\">

That was so funny, I laughed so loud people entered my room to see what was so funny. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Then I suffocated they had to bring me a glass of water. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Hall of fame stuff!!

[Andy]

Nice that I made your day a bit brighter .... hope you are able to breathe again /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Ok ... I\'ll have a lazy time t\'day ... walking around my favorite lake and enjoying the sun with a fat lip of cope ... hmmm ... or maybe skoal wintergreen /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif. Just doin\' man\'s stuff, just without the fishing or hunting .... hehe.