Joke Via Bivonic

[Elana]

Bivonic\'s job caught on to his tendency to spend his entire day here at Love-Scent, so they cut off his ability to post during the day. /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif

He emailed me this and asked me to post it for him....

A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They checked all the doors, turned on a light, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. (They don\'t want the cat shut in the house because \"she\" always tries to eat the bird)

They then phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door leave their house...but the cat scoots back into the house as the leave.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn\'t want the driver to know the house will be empty, so she explains to the taxi driver: \"He\'s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.\"

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. \"Sorry I took so long,\" he says. \"Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked...I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her into the backyard.\"

[**DONOTDELETE**]

ROFL

[bundyburger]

LOL!. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

[bivonic]

Yeah normally I wouldn\'t use Elana to post garbage, here are some more you might like...

#1
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: \'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.\' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: \'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.\' And the Englishman was thinking: \'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I\'ll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.\'

#2
did you hear about the peanut that was walking in the park the other day?

it was assaulted.

#3
Serena and Venus Williams were talking the other day. Venus asked Serena if she thought their father had pumped them full of steroids as children to enhance performance. Serena asked why she was asking. Venus says \"well, I\'ve got some hair growing in some strange places\". Serena asks \"where? your lip or back?\"
\"No, my balls\" Venus replies.

#4
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

#5
Scientists have discovered that 85% of women have contained intelligent DNA, unfortunately, 60% of them spit it out again.

#6
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.

#7
Actually a heart warming story...

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my
breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night\'s chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine
years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred pound dollars and disappeared into the night. \"Why didn\'t you scream for help?\" I asked. The boy said, \"I did.\" \"And nobody came to help you?\" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. \"How loud did you scream?\" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, \"Help me!\"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

#8
Why didn\'t Hellen Keller skydive?

It scared the hell out of her dog.

#9
Why didn\'t Hitler drink whiskey?

It made him mean.

#10
Four brewery presidents walk into a bar. The guy from Corona sits down and says, \"Hey, Senor, I would like the world\'s best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, \"I\'d like the best beer in the world. \"Give me \'The King of Beers,\' a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, \"I\'d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors.\" He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents looked over at him and ask, \"Why aren\'t you drinking Guinness?\"

The Guinness president replies, \"Well, I figured you guys aren\'t drinking beer, neither would I.\"

#11
Saddam Hussein is captured by US troops and is being hustled away for trial in Guantanamo.
A reporter from CNN manages to get a microphone up close while he is being held at the airport.

CNN: Mr. Hussein, now that you have seen all the devastation caused by the war, and you can reflect on Iraq\'s prisons, and the torture, and the rapes, and the assassinations, is there anything you would have done differently?

Saddam Hussein: Yes, now that you mention it, there are some things I would have done differently. Next time, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

[franki]

lol ...