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bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:35 AM
I\'d like to learn more about compliments and flattery. Girls think I\'m attractive and incredibly funny. Now the thing is I need to learn how to give compliments. I\'ve always been uncomfortable about giving them, and when I do, it\'s usually forced. I am a little insecure when I give them.

Are there any online guides or ebooks that can give details about flattery and \'sucking up\' and stuff, lol.

Elana
03-06-2003, 06:38 AM
If you are being sincere about the compliment, then it should not be uncomfortable. Are you just saying things to sound nice or are you really being genuine?

bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:42 AM
That\'s a pretty good point. Compliment only when based if its genuine. Sometimes I do it to gain brownie points though.

bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:43 AM
Some say however that flattery will get you everywhere. I want to learn how to suck up to get where I want. You know what I mean, charm.

Elana
03-06-2003, 06:43 AM
You really do love that junk food. Now you want to earn points for brownies? /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:44 AM
Lol, oooh I am becoming greedy now. Well I kinda want girls to think like \'aww hes so sweet\' and stuff of me. I want to learn how to gain that type of response.

Elana
03-06-2003, 06:46 AM
<<Some say however that flattery will get you everywhere. I want to learn how to suck up to get where I want. You know what I mean, charm. >>

Sucking up is cheesy...not charming. Intelligent women can sense lines and disingenuous men a mile away

bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:47 AM
Well that\'s true. Good point. I want to learn how to be \'sweet\' though.

trejoe
03-06-2003, 06:48 AM
I agree with them if you mean what you say then you should not fill weird but try this look in a mirror and try giving compliments to yourself. Builds Lots of selfasteam.

Elana
03-06-2003, 06:48 AM
<<I want to learn how to be \'sweet\' though.>>

Sweet is nice. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif
More junk food talk lol

bsxs
03-06-2003, 06:50 AM
Lol all flattery can be related to junk food. It can be really \'cheesy\'. There must be some online guide to getting a response like \'aww youre so sweet\'.

CJ01
03-06-2003, 07:06 AM
Yep Elena´s right. And you know what there´s nothing worse than unsincere flattery. You may as well just insult them straight out because that´s what such bs lines come across as. Better off saying nothing at all.

Sucking up sucks!!! Charm is something very particular you either got it or you don´t.
And some people find one person charming others find that that person has none at all. So just be yourself, have good manners and you´ll be okay.
CJ /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

belgareth
03-06-2003, 07:24 AM
bsxs:

Some of my thoughts here are going to sound old fashioned and probably are. Others in the forum have called me a wimp and a wus for them but I do get regular compliments from females and have never lacked for attractive partners with my behavoir. It used to be called chivalry, I call it being a gentleman. In short, treat a lady like a lady and always make sure your behavoir is above reproach in public.

For example, hold a door or a chair, watch your language and keep your word. Use please and thank you frequently and express appreciation. If you want to compliment somebody, make it sincere and do it with a smile. If you notice that she has changed her hairstyle, ask her about it and if you like it, tell her so. Same with clothes or anything else. Don\'t ever make up a reason to compliment somebody, you can almost always find a real reason to say something nice. One of the highest compliments you can pay somebody is to ask their opinion or how they do something. \"I loved the way you did ... Can you show me how?\" Or \"What did you think about...?\" But be sure you mean it!

None of this means you need to or want to be a push-over. Make your own decisions on what is right and wrong and stick to them unless you are presented with a good reason to do otherwise. Don\'t do anything because somebody else thinks it\'s the thing to do. Be your own person at all times. It takes time to really develop the right attitude, but in the long run, you will not lack for good friends and great relationships.

cuddlebear
03-06-2003, 07:29 AM
I\'m curious, who called you a wimp for having that opinion? I can\'t say my public behavior is always beyond reproach, but I do consistently hold doors open for ladies, and if that makes me a wimp, then, whatever, I\'m a wimp. I\'ve been called worse. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Cuddles

EXIT63
03-06-2003, 07:30 AM
If you really want to impress a girl. BANG HER BRAINS OUT. She\'ll love you for it and you don\'t have to be a brown noser. Which by the way will get you no where. Except stuck in the LJBF zone.

belgareth
03-06-2003, 07:32 AM
It\'s been quite a while now. I don\'t even remember who it was. We were debating how to treat women and I kept trying to make the point that women should be treated with proper respect. Others were denigrating them.

belgareth
03-06-2003, 07:33 AM
If you say so. My way has always worked well for me.

EXIT63
03-06-2003, 07:34 AM
Hey, whatever floats your boat!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Irish
03-06-2003, 09:05 AM
Early on, make your compliments:

In a casual tone of voice, like you\'re commenting on the weather
Observe something unusual or unique about her dress, style, etc - nothing too personal right off. Make it something nobody else has likely ever noticed
ALWAYS follow immediately with a question, to avoid an awkward reaction.
Don\'t think about yourself at all - truly focus 100% on her.

Example: That\'s a beautiful bracelet - very unusual. It matches your outfit so well. Where did you get it?

Now she will answer you instead of freezing up. Have a followup compliment/question in mind after she finishes talking. Keep this up as long as she reacts well.

If she responds well to flattery you can become more and more personal - just keep going deeper with it. If she doesn\'t respond well (rare) just go back to ordinary conversation like it never happened. Try again at a later meeting - eventually she\'ll come around when she knows you better (unless you\'re a complete doofus).

When you get comfortable with flattery, and good at reading a girl beforehand, you can devastate a woman\'s defenses with observant, extravagant flattery. The trick is not to be self-conscious, not gushy emotional or sentimental, and determined to keep pounding the wall of defense until it crumbles. In an ideal situation she will be denying your compliments (out of a hopeless attemt not to appear vain), at which point you will be \'arguing\' with her about how beautiful she is. I\'ve learned to recognize that fleeting smile that lets me know she\'s melting under the \'pressure\'.

Every man should have flattery in his arsenal - it\'s just too effective to overlook.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 09:26 AM
Women want the two C\'s: compliments, and cunnilingus.

Listen to Irish, he\'s exactly on target.

Your objective should be to make her feel that, TO YOU, she is especially desirable. That you and only you could maybe truly appreciate her unique self. That\'s the objective of the compliment. If you can convince her via compliments and the way you treat her, that you recognize she is the only She in the world and just your cup of tea, you\'re in.

camusflage
03-06-2003, 09:37 AM
Damn! You beat me to the punch on this one. Focus on something that sticks out (positive, not negative fellas), and get her talking about it. Learn and use the art of reading responses to figure out whether she\'s liking it/you or not.

At the heart, people like talking about themselves. I know I\'m going to butcher it, but I saw a quote once that the most brilliant conversationalist is one who lets their partner talk about themself. Even people who are ordinarily quiet and reserved will open up dramatically if you get them talking about things they enjoy or are important to them. Use that unique thing about them as the crack in the wall to get in.

Speaking for myself, I always have something that can be a conversation point. Typically, it\'s a tie. Today, for example, I\'m wearing a green shirt with a matching Gumby tie. My watch is a very distinctive piece, one that has garnered many compliments over the years.

CJ01
03-06-2003, 09:52 AM
/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

WHO called you a WIMP???
I´m such a sucker for a real gentleman. Unfortunately chivalry is not even in most mens vocab anymore. Irrespective of the age group I´ve found /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif
But that´s exactly what most women, no matter what age want.

You´re right not to care about what whoever says because you´re right and they just don´t get it! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif CJ

bjf
03-06-2003, 10:13 AM
alot of compliments women know are BS. Especially when you tell them you like an article of clothing. As if you really do. let\'s face it, you just like what\'s under the clothing. A woman who knows whats up knows this an won\'t be impressed with u. Don\'t make compliments unless something actually occurs to you that is not phony bologny. That won\'t happen very often. If u think she looks hot, go ahead and tell her. But cut the crap. It shifts all power to her, makes u look full of it.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 10:17 AM
Yes, that kind of insincerity just means you want to get laid, but not specifically and in particular by her. The \"specifically and in particular\" is the key. That\'s why your compliment should be genuine and specific. For example, it\'s a turn off to hear from a guy that he loves redheads. He\'s just lumped me into a category and let me know that I\'m as good to him as any other redhead, we\'re fungible. Complete turn off. If, however, he smiles at me when we\'re out together walking and tells me the color of my hair is so beautiful when the sun hits it, I\'m starting to think about which lingerie set I\'m gonna wear with him.

Irish
03-06-2003, 10:24 AM
You\'re absolutely right that compliments can\'t be phony (unless the girl is stupid or desperate for praise). That\'s why you have to be truly perceptive and truly focused on the girl - your compliments have to be honest. I disagree though that it\'s hard to actually find something praiseworthy about women. Almost every female goes to great effort to make herself look good when out in public - just appreciate what she\'s done, especially if it reflects her own personal style. That\'s your starting point. Masters of flattery quickly move toward psychological perceptions, the kind of thing FTRH pointed out that show you truly appreciate her unique feminine presence.

Guys that are uncomfortable giving praise are usually focused more on themselves and how they come across - a sure unconscious signal that you are self-absorbed and therefore lack confidence with others. Put yourself out of your own mind, and truly look into her soul - she\'ll never forget those things you say to her (so I\'ve been told by women I complimented years ago).

Every situation, every person, has positives and negatives. Why not focus on her positives, and let her know about it. Leave it to others to be the critical ones (heaven knows there\'s plenty of those types to tell us what\'s wrong with ourselves). It\'s fun and easy - make it your job to make her honestly feel good about herself. You will be amply rewarded, believe me. And you will be known as a positive person to be around - women will seek you out. No one really enjoys the company of a self-absorbed critical loner, do they? So become the opposite - or at least choose th keep the dark side to yourself when chasing girls.

bjf
03-06-2003, 10:28 AM
yea, i guess the key is how to look sincere while being insincere. Cause lets face it, most women are in a big group to men. Having a penis is a blessing and a curse. You crave so many women, and therefore and likely to very often now get what you want. And, of course, you have to try and BS your way into a woman\'s pants. It is not a joyful thing, at least the ideals behind it. But your body sends you other messages.

Just as few men are unique to women, few women are unique to men. The only different is that we don\'t need emotion to be attracted to someone, while women more so do.

bjf
03-06-2003, 10:32 AM
being able to give truely unique compliments involves some time of discovering what is truly unique about her, and i think the post may have been about compliments on the pickup scene as well. I think it is hard to be give honest compliments in that setting. Yes women spend a lot of time making themselves up, so just say \"you look beautiful\", because that is honest. Why the fancy shmancy stuff? That just comes off like you are trying to hide what you really think -- that she looks hot -- so just say that.

Irish
03-06-2003, 10:41 AM
Every hot girl hears that she\'s hot all the time, and she knows it if she owns a mirror. I\'m saying it\'s possible to get pretty deep inside a girl\'s head, and perceive more than what\'s on the surface, pretty damn quick if you\'re a good conversationalist and with a little practice. It will seem like \'magic\' to her, and you will seem unique in her eyes, because mostly people are too preoccupied with themselves to notice much about athers.

It does take a little work - I\'m just saying for those that can do it there are lots of rewards.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 10:47 AM
bjf, men are unique to women. I wish to hell they weren\'t sometimes. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

\"Why the fancy shmancy stuff? That just comes off like you are trying to hide what you really think -- that she looks hot -- so just say that. \"

Because \"You look hot. (I like hot girls).\" does not make her feel unique. It lets her know you\'d like to do her. Guess what? So would every other guy who looks at her. \"You look hot\" means you\'re thrown back into the pool as just another d!ckhead.

The only time a compliment like that works is if the girl is obviously not sure she\'s hot.

For the girl who IS hot, you usually have to do a little better than that.

bjf
03-06-2003, 11:01 AM
bjf, men are unique to women. I wish to hell they weren\'t sometimes.>>> Of course they are. I was only implying that not every attractive person you meet is someone who has the qualities that you feel you can\'t get out of another attractive person.

Irish -- if you can give such romantic compliments that don\'t seem you are coming on to fast, then boy, you got game. I am sure though that you can appreciate that , when you say something romantic too soon off the bat, it sounds like a line, even if you are sincere and reading someone\'s min right. I\'d love to hear some examples of what you got.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 11:32 AM
Irish has got serious game. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

\"I was only implying that not every attractive person you meet is someone who has the qualities that you feel you can\'t get out of another attractive person. \"

This is the crux of what we\'re talking about. If you can convince a woman that you do have qualities that she can\'t get from another person, you have put yourself in an enviable position. Women WANT to think that about men. Irish is telling you about the art of the compliment, which is one of the ways in which you position yourself in a woman\'s eyes as being able to offer her something no other man can. Special qualities. What differentiates one attractive man from another attractive man has to do with how special he makes the woman feel.

bjf
03-06-2003, 11:36 AM
That\'s why I\'d like to hear some of the compliments that he has told women because I am not sure whether to believe him or not. I\'d like to see if he has any art.

Has any guy ever wrote a poem for you? Doesn\'t it sound so stupid, no matter how well written, if it is written too soon?

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 11:42 AM
Yeah, a guy wrote a poem for me once. Something about kissing my mouth was like tasting a rose filled with honey. The poem was in Spanish. It wasn\'t stupid at all, in fact, it made my heart race just now thinking about him. I still remember exactly what that poem looked like, what the paper looked like, his handwriting, etc. I still remember the first time he kissed me. He\'s one I\'ll never forget.

It\'s not stupid. That stuff is not stupid.

belgareth
03-06-2003, 11:45 AM
If nothing else, it gives me something to chuckle about.

Irish
03-06-2003, 11:49 AM
It\'s not necessarily romantic, which would sound corny at best and nutty at worst. No, when I focus on a woman, I try to gain as much insight as possible into what \'makes her tick\'. The truth could very well be the exact opposite of what she is leading me to believe through her words. Call it an \'on the spot profile\', if you will. I also do this with males in business scenarios, with different goals in mind, and with about everyone I meet to some degree. I am fascinated with people, their motives, their hidden hurts, and the inner person they are masking with their outer person.

This inner person is the one to deal with, and carefully if fragile, but necessary to engage if you hope for real intimacy. For me this is not necessarily an attempt to bed someone, it\'s how I connect with prople. It just so happens that women often respond to intimate psychological connections with sexual feelings.

I can\'t break it down into a \'how-to\', but I think it is possible to glimpse the true person behind the mask rather quickly, to get inside another\'s skin. When I was talking about giving compliments above I mentioned moving quickly from physical observations to psychological ones. Maybe not everyone does this - to me it\'s just second nature. I do know women appreciate insightful comments about their personality, and rarely seem to get them. One very young woman invited me to her place after our first conversation shifted from her looks (beautiful), to her intellectual interests, to her emotional needs and desires for intimacy, and sides of her personaity that were at odds with her public persona. She said she \'felt like she always knew me\'.

I often hear things from women like \'You really seem to understand me\', \'You know me\', \'We just met but you seem like my best friend\', \'When we met it was therapuetic!\'. I think it comes down to the fact that we all have a public mask, that we put up for our protection. Problem is our inner true self is safe from direct harm behind the mask, but also very isolated. We want to be accepted and validated for who we really are, but it\'s too risky to expose our true self. I try to see that true self behind the mask, and compliment/validate/appreciate that person, at no risk to the target (if I\'m wrong about her, well, no harm done! But I\'m rarely wrong anymore). I try to see the hidden self, and I praise it.

So anyway, to answer your question, I extend my compliments to validate more than her appearance...I include positive parts of her psychology that I think she may be insecure about or hiding out of hurt. It\'s art more than science, but it does get easier the more you think this way. It requires intense focus on the other and a setting aside of yourself.

Once I told a woman, who had a very ditzy manner and a universal reputation as an airhead, that I perceived she was highly intelligent and the ditzy routine was an act (certain clues led me to believe that). On our next meeting she showed me a magna cum laude university diploma, and explained she hid her intelligence because she thought men were intimidated by it. We had a very passionate affair.

MadDoctor
03-06-2003, 11:56 AM
I\'m not so sure that most of these ideas are mutually exclusive. While they run the gamut from the chivalric approach to \"bang her brains out,\" I personally think that a combination is the ideal. If you really care about her as a person, treating her right will be easy, even automatic. So will sincere compliments. So will banging her brains out, and having the patience to make sure she has a great time of it, instead of one of those selfish quickies our gender is so infamous for.

I can\'t give any real suggestions on flattering people you don\'t care too much about though. That\'s a distinct specialization, I think, and not one I ever worked on. Having glanced over a couple of the \"player\" boards referenced in this forum, I\'m not sure that flattery is agreed to be useful under such circumstances. Some seem to think that the right way to go involves no compliments or special marks of favor. Not buying them a drink, not going on a date, nothing.

Guess it all depends on what one\'s intentions are.

bjf
03-06-2003, 12:03 PM
first off, FTR, i would screw that guy with a poem that good. I don\'t think that stuff is stupid. I am talking about something else. I can\'t describe it, but you know it when you hear it.

Irish - you do have game. I am especially good at reading people, though maybe not compared to you, but I really do read the inner self of people well. My dad is a shrink, so maybe that is where i got it from. However, I don\'t think I am as articulate as you are in making the transition to that area because I believe that the woman will be embarrassed by the fact that i can see her \"emotionally naked.\" I don\'t go there unless I have enough trust already established because I want to feel like th women is comfortable enough to share that part of herself with me. Otherwise, I feel like there are boundries that are not ready to be crossed. I commend you on your skills and respect your abilities.

belgareth
03-06-2003, 12:09 PM
I agree with you completely. However, some approach must be used to get her to the point of banging her brains out. I am saying that my approach has always worked well for me. Once in bed, I\'ll do everything I can think of to completely satisfy a woman, as often as possible. Quickies? Ewwwww! Yuck! What a terrible thing to do to anybody. /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif

My thoughts on flattering somebody I don\'t particularly care about are simple. I don\'t bother. Not in my personal life and not in business. It\'s dishonest and degrading to give false compliments. It may not work for others and it has caused me a few problems but in the long run, it works for me and I get to keep my self respect. The bottom line is that I treat everybody with dignity and respect until they prove to me that they don\'t deserve it, then I mostly ignore them.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 12:10 PM
\"first off, FTR, i would screw that guy with a poem that good.\"

That was the guy who really opened me up. I think I was 26 or so. We were together a couple of years and broke up because he wanted me to move in with him and I didn\'t want to at that point in my life. I had had a lot of sex but never at that level. He\'s the one who really took my virginity, if that makes sense, not talking about the physical one.

Good response, that last of yours. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

P.S. Gerund would be good on this. If he doesn\'t chime in, pm him for advice. I\'m sure it would be worth hearing. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Irish
03-06-2003, 12:23 PM
As long as you frame your psychological insights in sincere compliments, women seem to jump at the validation. But you\'re right, it\'s sensitive and potent stuff. If you have real insight into another\'s hidden personality you have them in a vulnerable spot - you can make them soar in the clouds with joy - or pound them into the dirt - with just a few choice words. What I\'m usually looking for is frustrated talents or dreams (that I can validate or help live out), a \'sensitive\' nature hidden behind a \'tough-girl\' exterior, talents that women are normally not recognized for, and any other positive trait that is not obvious or she seems to hide. \"I noticed how you smiled when you looked at that van Gogh - are you an art-lover…or perhaps a painter yourself?\"…that kind of thing. If I\'m right, then not only is her talent acknowledged and appreciated, I am perceptive and \'in tune\' with her for noticing - we are kindred spirits.

A few years ago I pursued a woman very hard -we had hung out as friends several times but I couldn\'t get a serious date. I devised several \'games\' one night on bar napkins, all geared toward \'proving\' how beautiful she was. She was flattered and entertained, but then I wrapped it all up by working a new compliment into the game. I explained how her beauty was completed by her warm and loving nature (something she tried to hide behind a \'snooty\' stuck-up exterior), that I could see through all the hurt in her life. She asked me out immediately for our first real date. Point being it took more for her than to just hear about her looks, I needed to show deeper insight into her personality for her to be interested in me.

Of course everyone has negative traits too, and we often hide them for good reason. I leave that stuff alone if I notice it.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 12:33 PM
You guys are right on target. bsxs, what a noble idea to want to give compliments - no matter what your reasoning may be.

This is going to be tough, but I\'m going to tell the truth. I will bitch and moan about being ignored, not being complimented, being taken for granted, etc. The truth is: IF I can tell that he likes me, wants me, and enjoys my company; I am more stimulated by what HE has going on....I like a mover and a shaker and I want to be onboard. But, it has to be a hot and fast ride - or, he has to give compliments.

Am I twisted?

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 12:36 PM
No. It\'s nice if you can find a guy who knows how to treat you AND who has something going on that especially interests you. In the absence of the latter, though, the former will do. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Lucky
03-06-2003, 12:40 PM
I would love to have three men all the time, all decent people. One that loved me to death, one that was purely my sexual toy, and one that had lots of money...all my bases would be covered.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 12:43 PM
and a mansion in Spain

I\'d settle for one that loved me.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 01:06 PM
<I\'d settle for one that loved me.>

That\'s what I did. Wonder if that\'s what most women do?

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 01:10 PM
Usually what you think you\'re getting, would you agree? is one who loves you and one who is your best sexual match. If you are VERY lucky, you might end up with him continuing to love you. Usually the sex goes straight to hell. /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

The money thing can fluctuate so much that I don\'t let it enter into the equation.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 01:15 PM
I think I\'m going to take on a lover. It will be sex, sex, and more sex......

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 01:16 PM
Sex is good. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Irish
03-06-2003, 01:16 PM
Could one guy fulfill all three roles (he\'s great-looking/sexually attractive, wealthy, and madly in love with you), or does each quality need to be in a separate guy?

Reason I ask is some guys think they need to sparate their different desires towards females into separate women...

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 01:22 PM
The fantasy is one guy who has all three things, but especially regarding sex, my experience has been that they lose interest and it becomes routine and mechanical and sometimes, to add insult to injury, infrequent, and since I don\'t cheat, I have to leave, which is becoming exhausting. I don\'t know what the answer is. It\'s not so much, at least for me, whether he remains sexually attractive - familiarity is sexy to me - it\'s whether he remains sexually considerate. The quality tends to deteriorate over time.

One guy who had all that ... yeah, well. Like I said. And a mansion in Spain. with a fig orchard. and horses. and pastures to ride them in. and etc castles in the air. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

belgareth
03-06-2003, 01:33 PM
It\'s a two way street. A man can dearly love his woman and try his best for her. Then she gets bored with him and it becomes mechanical. She may even be out chasing it somewhere else while telling him that she doesn\'t feel like it. I\'ve over-simplified but you get the idea.

I think it is a feedback loop. She/he begins to lose interest, after trying his/her best the other party eventually quits trying. Pretty soon things fall apart and we have another unhappy couple in the courtroom.

It\'s difficult to do your best when it becomes apparent that your partner just wants to get it over with so she can go back to her book or whatever she was doing before being rudely interrupted.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 01:33 PM
Absolutely. Mine did, until he gained weight and slowed down. I have a problem with an insatiable sexual appetite.

I\'m sure it\'s the same for both sexes. Lots of women get married and just quit. Quit everything. Some men do.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 01:39 PM
It\'s odd. My complaints, and sounds like Lucky\'s too, are more like men\'s complaints than women\'s, on this subject.

An insatiable sex drive is a lifelong problem.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 01:50 PM
Yep. I love it. I love it. I love it.

franki
03-06-2003, 01:55 PM
Hey, can you girls tell me: How do I recognize a woman that will still have a reasonable sexual interest (in me) after 7, 15 or 20 years of relationship?

Franki /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

belgareth
03-06-2003, 01:56 PM
Have you considered reading tea leaves?

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 01:57 PM
I don\'t know. I wish I knew the answer to that about men, too!

Lucky
03-06-2003, 02:03 PM
I can answer this.

Chemistry. Everything else can and will probably fail at some point; the love, the trust, the dedication, the excitement, the finances...get my drift?

The chemistry will carry you through.

CJ01
03-06-2003, 02:36 PM
franki, it´s like predicting the lottery numbers y´know. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif
Sexual interest, do you mean sexual interest in you only and exclusively?

franki
03-06-2003, 02:41 PM
I have read that it is so common that a woman\'s sexual interest in her partner dies down after a few years (often after she has had kids). There have been studies about that.

Then there are also women whose sex life dies down completely. Both are problematic of course. I realize the male partner plays a very big part in all of this by being to able to keep the (sexual) relationship interesting for the female-

Franki /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

MadDoctor
03-06-2003, 02:43 PM
Maybe this whole process needs to be backed up a step. Sincere compliments require appreciating the person concerned, which in turn requires knowing what it is you\'re looking for. To some extent you can get that from solitude, although bad relationships clarify things wonderfully. You find out what you really want, what you really don\'t, and what your true priorities are. If you can do that, and find someone who fits, I think the rest usually takes care of itself. You will say and do the right things without having to think about it at all.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 02:46 PM
\"Chemistry. Everything else can and will probably fail at some point; the love, the trust, the dedication, the excitement, the finances...get my drift?\"

Better if you don\'t expect love, trust, dedication, excitement, finances, much less expect them to last. If you release yourself from any expectation other than the chemistry, I think you have a reasonable chance of success without too much heartbreak - but even then, folks are fickle.

Lucky
03-06-2003, 03:04 PM
Those women are either crazy or have a bad partner.
Pick one.

MadDoctor
03-06-2003, 03:09 PM
Yeah, what you say definitely DOES happen. It happened to my first marriage. But I made sure that my second would be different. We\'ve been together for almost seven and a half years, and have a GREAT physical relationship with several hours of fun a week. /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

I can\'t tell you how to stay madly in love, other than to say that you should have chosen the right person in the first place, and you should *never* take her for granted. But DO choose a woman with a really healthy libido to begin with, and not one who has any sort of insurmountable sexual hangups. DO agree from the very beginning that the honeymoon is to go on forever. DO learn everything conceivable about sex, because if you can keep teaching her new aspects of pleasure, it will never get old.

When you get married, you are getting a license from the state to jump each other\'s bones. You are also (special arrangements excepted) agreeing that you will not jump anyone else\'s. You can hang out with other people, love other people, etc., you just can\'t be screwing other people. I think that this is a very persuasive argument for sex\'s role in a marriage. And I know that there are women out there who agree with this, who won\'t just expect you to sleep on the couch as soon as you\'ve had your quota of kids.

camusflage
03-06-2003, 07:23 PM
I\'ve had EXACTLY that problem before, re: getting inside a gal\'s head. I\'ve gotten pretty good these days about who can take what and when they can take it. I\'ve run off a few in my days with the insights I\'ve given them in just a few moments\' conversation, but by the same token, the keen perspicacity has cemented far more weak bonds than it has destroyed. Again, it comes back to making a woman feel special and unique. Know what their buttons are, and the sky\'s the limit.

Still though, even after that trust is built, it can be somewhat difficult for me especially because that same attentiveness to language (verbal and body) that is given to others is given to my own conduct, making it extremely difficult for others to read me. Telling me to stop controlling it is as difficult as telling someone to stop breathing. Even people who pride themselves in being able to read people have said I\'m almost impossible to read, unless someone knows me exceptionally well and can pick up on micro-momentary responses.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-06-2003, 07:31 PM
Why is that a problem, that they can\'t read you because you play your hand close to your chest. It keeps you in control of the situation, and the smarter women watch what you do, not what you say. If you keep doing the right thing over time, you win trust and the woman will stop trying so hard to read you.

camusflage
03-07-2003, 05:19 AM
The problem comes in that the women I\'m usually interested in, genius level on up, are not accustomed to not having the upper hand, if not outright control of the situation as far as who reads who better. My ability, combined with an inability to read me, has caused more than its fair share of misunderstandings large and small.

nonscents
03-07-2003, 12:26 PM
camusflage,
This is real general. Can you give the specifics of a particular situation?

MadDoctor
03-07-2003, 02:40 PM
Total honesty is good at overcoming things like that. Even a highly accomplished storyteller would have a hard time keeping wool over the eyes of an IQ 135+ partner, and many of those same women appreciate not having to sort out what is some kind of obscure metaphorical hint of uncertain veracity and what\'s a transparent statement. If you don\'t hide whatever your feelings are, your actions will be consistent with your words, and I don\'t see how you can go wrong with that.

Sure worked for me, anyway.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-07-2003, 02:43 PM
I think I\'m in love with you.

camusflage
03-09-2003, 05:36 PM
Oh, I don\'t even try to begin to fool such women. Part and parcel of the typical woman I\'m attracted to is a keen insight into human nature (and unfortunately, just as with me, an inherent distrust of most people), so that course is almost sure to be a short one. My actions and words are totally consistent with one another. Where the problem sets in is when they try to tell what I\'m thinking. Unless I\'m at an emotional extreme, it\'s difficult for someone without a strong combination of inherent skill or knowledge of me to be able to read me. Most understand and get used to this, becoming better through both learning my particular signals and through honing their own skills in general, though some have been unable to reach that and have moved on over it. Things that would shake most people seem not to faze me--on the outside that is--leading some to think that I don\'t feel emotion. I feel them very strongly. I just hardly show my reactions to them at all.

Watcher
03-09-2003, 05:45 PM
Some women are easily fooled others arent so.
Just as long as youre actions and words are in alignment with each other it will be to youre benefit except with women, you need to lie and fool to get laid - that is just a way they respond in an actual sexual way. Men who display this behaviour will get laid more often.
I have the same problem as u except i have worked my way around with with plenty of self improvement and identifiying and changing those traits i feel need to be changed in order to make myself a more well rounded individual. And become more attractive to the female of the human species in a generalized manner.

MadDoctor
03-09-2003, 10:15 PM
They will understand, I think. People who are in some way different have to develop defense mechanisms of one sort or another. Yours may be of a different type and intensity than hers, but their origins and purpose are identical. If she sees it for what it is, she can\'t hold it against you.

MadDoctor
03-09-2003, 10:22 PM
Love you too, FTR, I could go on for some time singing your praises. But then enerybody in the forum would start yelling \"Get a room, you two!\"

I suppose we should seize the moral high ground before anyone\'s brought it up, and get a room.

**DONOTDELETE**
03-09-2003, 10:45 PM
Well, if you think that would be the most considerate thing to do, of course.

Watcher
03-09-2003, 10:45 PM
FTR does a good service to this forum with her posts.