The difference between Friendliness and Flirting

[bsxs]

This is a very basic thing, but it gets so confusing. Sometimes I mistake friendliness for flirting in girls and I end up embarassing myself. How can you tell the difference between these two things? They can get very close.

[bundyburger]

Wear a pair of infrared goggles when you go out. If the girl who\'s talking to you show\'s an increase in heat in the crotch head and neck then you are more than likely onto a winner. /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

[bsxs]

Lol that could work.

[bundyburger]

I think it\'s a mental problem I have, but for me it\'s harder to tell if a girl is flirting with me when I think she is really hot. I miss the cues (until later). If I don\'t find the girl attractive I pick it up better.

Someone pointed out an e-book you might find interesting. It\'s on a recent thread. Apparently it talks about all the different body languague to watch out for. You should (and me too I \'spose) try and get it.

[bivonic]

I agree it\'s real tough to distinguish. Take for example something happened about a month ago to me, I ordered a beer from this girl I know, she brings me the bottle of beer & I say to her \"how come my beer always has a head on it?\" As she\'s walking away she says, \"There\'s nothing wrong with a little head\" As she smiles, she said it so softly that I actually couldn\'t hear her - it was kind of loud in the bar & my hearing is not 100%, my buddy who was standing two steps closer to her told me what she said & he said his jaw almost dropped when he heard her say this. I think sometimes women don\'t even know if they are being friendly or sexually flirtatious.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

She was being clever. Puns, witticisms, double entendres, repartee ... all just part of social interaction between men and women who enjoy being men and women. She just made a little play on words.It\'s a good thing she didn\'t sayPENIS.

[jcarter]

It\'s been said before, but it\'s worth noting that not all women will conform to your conditioned rules of interaction. I\'ve been hit hard with that problem myself.

All of us have certain rules and expectations that we have internalized through the years, based on upbringing and personal experiences. In my case, I come from an are of the US that is known as being part of the \"Bible belt\", so the behavior of woman vs. men is perhaps more circumscribed than in other areas of the country, particularly large, urban areas.

As an example, let\'s consider touch. There are only a very limited number of situations where it would be generally acceptable for a woman, married or single, to have intentional, physical contact with a man she is not involved with or related to. As already alluded to, the list of acceptable people would include relatives and SOs, while acceptable situations might be nurses and hair stylists. I think that you see my drift by now.

So what happens when you meet a woman, whose personal idea of what is acceptable \"touching\", is radically at variance with your own? One who likes to stand so close that breasts press into your arm? Who likes to pick up your hand and hold when she talks to you? Or who will come up behind your, as you sit at your desk, a play with your hair, because she likes the feel of it? Oh, did I mention that she\'s married and more than fifteen years my junior or that I\'m also married? Bewilderment!! confusion! huge uncertainty, based on what appears to you to be conflicting signals. And, if you happen to be unprepared and a bit vulnerable, massive heartache when you finally realize that your hearts not only betrayed you, but has been hung out to dry in the process!!

Just remember that woman are not as straight forward as you are. Their thinking and behavior is frequently less obvious than that of men, who are generally single-minded and to the point.

Good luck!

[Watcher]

So if all else fails brush it off as being friendly and move on.

[Sexyredhead]

I\'m in the Bible Belt, and i know what you\'re talking about. On the other hand, I find most women flirt with most men on a general basis, just to be friendly. I think the difference depends on how far she takes it. If she\'s interested, she\'ll take it further than if she\'s not. You\'re right though, I\'m usually only physically affectionate with boyfriends and good guy friends, although I\'m touchy with everybody, and I think that\'s a Southern thing too. Having said that, I do play with hair if it calls to my fingers, and I do scratch backs absentmindedly. Mostly because I used to have a dog and he trained me well. lol I really don\'t think about it, and if I\'m working on something with a guy, waiting in line, etc, I tend to do that. Nothing really intended out of it, I just do it.
One thing I have noticed with me personally is that if I\'m flirting with a guy I *do* like, I\'m a little more shy/reserved. So the thing to watch for may not be how MUCH she does if she\'s being really nice to you, but maybe how sweet she is, and that she does less to you than others.

Confusing, I know, and I apologize. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

[seadove]

<<<One thing I have noticed with me personally is that if I\'m flirting with a guy I *do* like, I\'m a little more shy/reserved. So the thing to watch for may not be how MUCH she does if she\'s being really nice to you, but maybe how sweet she is, and that she does less to you than others.

Confusing, I know, and I apologize. >>>


That\'s quite interesting, SRH, because as other men will also vouch for what I\'m gonna say, if a male does what you call as innocent friendly flirting to a woman she\'ll probably club him on his head and call him \"PERVERT\", or maybe even sue him for that./ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I\'d be curious to know how many men who write on this forum have actually, themselves, personally, been sued for flirtation. My bet is not one.

[Sexyredhead]

Very true. However, this is not something I do with my boss or some guy I just met either. I attend college in a small town and work in a very social environment, mostly with my friends, so it\'s rare that I would be in a situation where I wouldn\'t know if it would be ok or not. Truth told, the guys down here tend to be just as flirty with us girls, and we don\'t mind. If anybody does, they\'re pretty quick to say so. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

[Sexyredhead]

I think being sued for flirtation/sexual harassment is more of a problem in bigger cities. I think people in certain areas of the country are just more affectionate than others. Southern women aren\'t considered as affectionate as Hispanic or French women, but they are more than your typical northern female, at least if I remember correctly. There was a study a while back on how many times you would be touched during a timed conversation, depending on where you were in the US.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I think sexual harassment lawsuits are possible and because they\'re possible, companies have to train personnel so they are able to identify what legally constitutes harassment, to minimize risk of lawsuits. I think sexual harassment lawsuits are pretty rare and no more likely to happen in big cities than in small. It\'s true Southerners are more touchy-feely than Northerners, and maybe small town people more friendly than big city people - but most people conduct themselves in accordance with what\'s going on around them. You have to repeatedly and insistently do things to another person for them to have enough basis for a lawsuit against you. Mussing someone\'s hair or absent mindedly scratching their back is hardly going to get anyone sued. If you keep on after you have been asked to stop, that\'s another story.

[bivonic]

I\'d be very interested in seeing that article, I wonder where I could dig it up.

[seadove]

>>>Mussing someone\'s hair or absent mindedly scratching their back is hardly going to get anyone sued<<<

I\'d say this is a definate sue issue here.In a public office there are now special departments that deal with men(usually) that have \"long\" arms.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Once, Seadove? And you\'re speaking of behavior in the office, right? Not out and about, socially.

[seadove]

<<<Not out and about, socially. >>>

You say trying it once to a girl is okey?So a guy can hop along to all the girls and comb his fingers to 10 girls\' hair and that will count as \"once\"?
Men however will be quite content that the opposite sex comb their fingers with the male hair.
(we promise not to complain)/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

[Sexyredhead]

Let me see if I can do a search and find it. I learned about it in a class at Ohio State, eons ago.

[Sexyredhead]

Here\'s a link to another article that lists the study I was thinking of:

http://www.iusb.edu/~journal/2000/chown.html (\"http://www.iusb.edu/~journal/2000/chown.html\")

Here\'s the quote I was thinking of. Shows you my memory is not quite as good as I\'d like it to be in my old age:

``researchers observed people seated in outdoor cafes in each of four countries, and counted the number of touches during one hour of conversation. The results were: San Juan, 180 touches per hour; Paris, 110 per hour; Gainesville, Florida, 1 per hour; and London, 0 per hour\'\'(Business Horizons 77).

And that citation is: Business Horizons 36.3 (May/Jun93): 69-79

[bivonic]

yeah doesn\'t seem too comprehensive within the US, Gainesville, FL is that retiree country, not sure where it is although I\'ve heard of the town.

Thanks for looking it up for me though!

[Elana]

Gainesville Florida is a student town. Still, I agree...the study didn\'t seem too comprehensive

[CptKipling]

A good thingh to look out for is sort of a coy twinkle in her eye, but only if she is i little shy.

If she isnt shy, then you will just know.

Another thing to consider is that some girls just flirt for the attention, and aren\'t actually interested in you in that way.