Guys, explain this to me

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Why would a guy be obsessed with the idea of group sex to the point of pissing his partner off?

What about a woman would make you think that she would be approachable about the idea?

Please, guys only.

[bivonic]

> Why would a guy be obsessed with the idea of
> group sex to the point of pissing his partner off?
When you say group sex, I assume you mean a threesome? Men want to feel dominant & to have 2 women at once is sure to be a big ego boost.

> What about a woman would make you think that
> she would be approachable about the idea?
Not sure if I understand your question, how does a guy know if his woman would be receptive? Probably if she either made comments about how beautiful a certain woman is or more to the point was open to the idea of going to a strip club, then I\'d say she\'d be open to a threesome.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Two women and the guy, right. But ALSO, that he would like to see someone else do me. And have foursomes. And orgies. And this is important enough to him to piss me off about it.

It\'s not the first time this has happened to me and I don\'t understand it. I don\'t get what the absolute crave could be. Why is all that better than one on one?

[DrSmellThis]

It\'s just a fantasy guys often have. He wants to see if the woman could ever do that with him. He wants to know where to \"file her\". He might want to see if he can get it all in one relationship or if he has to go elsewhere.

Being obsessed -- I don\'t know. maybe he is obsessive in general, maybe he\'s bored, or maybe he\'s trying to bring things to a head -- orgy or get off the pot.

The guy probably doesn\'t care if he didn\'t get a signal she was into it before. It\'s his fantasy and he wants what he wants. He\'s not going to wait around for the world to give him subtle signals, because he\'ll have to wait many lifetimes; he\'s just goin to ask for what he wants.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

\"if he can get it all in one relationship or if he has to go elsewhere.\" Right.

Ask is one thing; insist is another.

But nevermind that.

Honestly from the guys, now - I have guy friends who laugh in my face and tell me that no man who cares at all for a woman would want her to be in a group situation with him. Do you think that\'s true?

[DrSmellThis]

Why is all of it better than one on one? Why don\'t all men just want to be with just one woman their whole lives? Why is it better for two women to like you and screw you at once? Who would enjoy one beautiful woman kissing and another giving head? Why would someone like more? What could be fun about that? Who would want to be surrounded by adoring lovers? Who would want to experience fantasy and reality all at once?

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Please don\'t be smart.

It feels to me like the complete antithesis of intimacy.

[DrSmellThis]

NO. These are people imposing their values and judgements.

I was just being honest and avoiding censoring... I don\' know what he\'s thinking. He\'s stupid to keep bring it up if it\'s pissing you off, though.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I personally rather be with one partner at once especially one that I am comfortable with, it would be kind of arkward with 2 or more people and I think it would be an insult to my partner she would probably think that she cant satisfy me herself or she\'s just not good enough. She would slap my silly and drop me on the spot if she saw me kissing another woman.

[DrSmellThis]

Now keep in mind I\'m not recommending anything, just talking in general. Knowing your situation might well make me say something very different.

Intimacy for men is about time, history, familiarity, doing thing together, emotions, feeling safe from abandonment; openness and trust of acceptance.

Women I\'ve known tend to equate intimacy with sexual monogamy. Men\'s feelings don\'t necessarily work that way. Sometimes they do.

How is having a fantasy come true anti-intimacy, just because there are more people one or more occasions in someone\'s life? He\'s not talking about constant overpopulation of the bed. From a male point of view this would usually be about increasing intimacy. The walls come down emotionally. Very very rare feeling for a man.

If he can be open about his fantasies and get accepted, if he can completely be himself through you and with you, if he can be open about everything without reprisal, that is intimacy.

Now a caveat: this applies to healthy situations. There are probably other things going on. Plus, being pushy or disrespectful is never cool.

People are going to have the fantasies they are going to have. People have always had \"weird\" fantasies. Sexuality is not what we want it to be, what out families and teachers want it to be or what our churches want it to be. It just is.

Particular sexual preferences are often unacceptable to partners, and they should probably leave if they can\'t accept it. Still, there are wonderful people out there who have fantasies and preferences, and sometimes it\'s worth it to help give someone their fantasy if things are otherwise cool. people with \"weird fantasies and preferences\" can make great partners just like anyone else, given a compatible person.

[DrSmellThis]

Yes she might feel insulted, feel compared, feel inadequate, feel violent, and dump you. That does not mean you think she is not enough or are comparing her at all. Yes we want to be considerate of others\' feelings. But sexuality is too big a part of ourselves to always let some else\'s emotions keep us from being who we are. You are fortunate to be the way you are, being highly monogamous, as it is very adaptive.

But it is better to bring others in than to cheat behind someone\'s back.

[bundyburger]

It just so happens that last night one of our free-to-air TV stations played a special \"Between the Sheets: A National Sex Survey\":

It ran for about two hours and covered EVERYTHING. The most common number one fantasy for men: Guess? /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif ...and by a long way too!
So keep that in mind for how much it is a part of him FTR.
They showed some video interviews accross women and men. The women were varied with their fantasies but ALL men they showed said threesomes etc. (For women the number one was \"sex in a public place\")

I think it\'s fair enough that he brought it up, sorry. /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif
If it was his fantasy then all he could do was mention it. Once. It\'s wrong that he is insisting. Once you said \"no\" the first time he should be smart enough to know you would never change your mind. I believe you have a right to be pissed off if it has been brought up many times when you\'ve given a strong answer.

The general idea I get is that it\'s not liked by most females. And more, most are offended or feel negative about it being even brought up. One female friend I know liked the idea (She brought it up. AND didn\'t imply my involvement). She would be in for two girls + one guy if her boyfriend was willing to recipricate and as long as she got to choose who. In the case of her with two guys, she didn\'t really want penetration but more foreplay \"touching\" type of sex with the two. I think even for a me having just another female there caressing/kissing both of the \'couple\' while they went at it would \'pass\'.

Personally, knowing what I know, I would never bring it up myself. I would discuss it if it was brought up by the girl. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

[**DONOTDELETE**]

I don\'t have any judgment about it being \"bad.\" I just don\'t understand it. I do better with something I can understand. I haven\'t said no. It\'s true that it\'s better to do things with each other than to cheat behind each other\'s backs. I do feel threatened and I do most fervently wish he felt I were enough for him. DrST, if you had ANY idea what our sex life was like or what my mind is like about sex, you would not be talking to me about accepting people\'s weird fantasies, or worrying about what anyone else thinks. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Honest to god. I could probably shock even you. Just because I say I don\'t like something doesn\'t mean I don\'t think anyone else should like it. I just had a phone conversation with someone who I think put their finger on it. My guy is insisting we put this together right now because he\'s SO stressed that he needs something extreme to take him outside himself. It has nothing to do with how he feels about me. That I can understand and sympathize with. If I can get to a point of empathy, I can function. To me it\'s an absolute violation of my privacy. It\'s the last thing I want to do. But the obligation I feel to satisfy my partner\'s needs overrides. I just keep running into this situation and wish to god I didn\'t, and I can\'t see the appeal --but that really doesn\'t matter. I don\'t have to understand his needs to meet them. It would just make it easier.It does seem inescapable. I knew that it\'s the #1 fantasy - I was just hoping one of you could make real to me what the appeal of it is. If you believe what you\'re telling me as far as it increasing his feeling of intimacy with me to have this fantasy come true, then it\'s worth whatever mental contortions I have to put myself through to do it. I have just had conversations with guy friends about this who think I\'m an idiot and that no guy who respects me would ever ask for such a thing. It makes me very confused. I\'m suspicious enough as it is. As far as monogamy goes - he already has someone else in his life. Monogamy is not the issue - that he wants to f*ck someone else is not the issue. It\'s my privacy. It\'s that he wants to see me be as open with strangers as I am with him, my very own heart. I can\'t even have an orgasm with anyone else. Maybe that makes my side of the situation more clear. Whoever said they would never tell a woman that fantasy - I think you should, even though I\'m saying I have a very hard time with it. You\'re much better off going through whatever you have to go through to be honest with each other about your sexuality than you are with hiding your needs and pretending you can do without what you really want.

[Watcher]

Im in agreement with FTR, its something that can quite readily destroy a relationship (3some that is) stick to you and youre partner if you are in a serious relationship as playing with fire will get a lot of people burnt.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Watcher, this is what I\'ve read, too. That threesomes are destabilizing to a relationship. This relationship, such as it is, is very important to me. It\'s very important to him, too. I think he doesn\'t know what he\'s doing, and that makes me very nervous.

[druid]

personally I believe that this fanstany stems from the \"more is better\" attitude most of us apply during our lives. When one is a child, he/she thinks \"I like this candy bar, I wish I had more\". Or \"I lifted weights a couple times last week and I like how my chest looks now, I will do it everyday\" or \"I like the taste of beer, think i will have some more\" etc. I also think pornography might have something to do with it -- I know I rarely watch the one on one scences -- usually fastforard to the girl-girl-guy scenes. And how many guys here think of only one girl while jerking off? For me it is usually at least five (hey it is my fantasy!). Why he would do it to the point of pissing you off? I have no idea........

[bundyburger]

I\'ve thought about this some more.
Trying to think about what the appeal is.

For me...

Appeal type 1 -

To be able to satisfy two women at once.
i.e. laying back while one rides your d!ck and the other sits over your face. To have two sets of legs, two sets of arms, two whole \'beings\' pleasuring you. All the different stimulations happening at once.
As bivonic said an \'ego\' thing as well. In this case I (personally) wouldn\'t necessarily want/need to have my girlfriend involved.

<<Honestly from the guys, now - I have guy friends who laugh in my face and tell me that no man who cares at all for a woman would want her to be in a group situation with him. Do you think that\'s true?>>

When I thought about that it seemed, at first, totally right. I would have agreed with them. You would lose some type of respect , ...no, some kind of dent in the \'illusion\' of exclusivity I had with her. BUT... (a big but!) it didn\'t make sense for me to feel this way because I DO remember having fantasies once of being in a threesome with a girl I was seeing. Who I REALLY cared about. This was a brain teaser for a little while. I had to figure it out (or more to the point \'remember\') /ubbthreads/images/icons/crazy.gif
Which brings me to...

Appeal type 2 -

To see your girlfriend in absolute total ecstasy.
(FTR, you KNOW how guys love to get there woman off. To know that they were responsible for her apparent extreme joy and astonishment at there guys ability! LOL.)
To be pleasing her yourself and to have another person there (in my case I\'d prefer to see a woman, but even a man) stimulating her. To see her in fits of unavoidable/uncontrollable ecstasy like it was the best thing that ever happened to her. To see her overwhelmed by the variety of stimulations. THAT would be a turn on. To know that I was part of the best thing that ever happend to her in her life (LOL... even if it wasn\'t. It\'s MY fantasy. /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif )

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<<Two women and the guy, right. But ALSO, that he would like to see someone else do me. And have foursomes. And orgies. And this is important enough to him to piss me off about it.>>

I wouldn\'t want that myself. I wouldn\'t want to see another guy \'do\' my girlfriend. But that opinion would be different from man to man.
I CAN see that fitting into the \"Appeal type 2\" definition. To see your gal get off. And maybe jerk off to the visuals OR be involved in someway as well. I could understand it. Even if it\'s not my type.

FTR, that he has asked you to be involved to me points out that he would LIKE you to be involved. To me, him saying that he would like to see another guy doing you says it\'s NOT about asking you just because you might be open to it but also because he really loves seeing you in pleasure. /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

************************************************** ************************************************** ******
Of course everything above doesn\'t matter if he really keeps pushing you toward something you REALLY don\'t want. /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

[seadove]

Not for me, thanks.
I use my heart as a sex organ.I can\'t share.

/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif